Spirits

I dont like being drunk anymore!

The night of the Lantern Parade, after watching Miss Engg, Kenneth (LE's friend) invited me and LE to a drink at Drews. I did not say no. It was quite some time already since I last got drunk (less than a week).

There we drank and we drank and got tipsy and tipsier and crazy and crazier and craziest! I found myself puking at a bucket outside the restroom. LE was laughing at me as if she wasnt drunk too. Then on Reggie's car on our way home, I puked again. It was really embarrassing! I excused myself for the smell. They had to open the windows...

When I got back at the boarding house, I was still drunk. I even forgot to brush my teeth and all that. At least I managed to change my clothes (I got some vomit on my pants yuck). I kept tossing and turning on my bed. I was mumbling, they said. And I threw things. Well, I was really drunk!

I was scared when I woke up. I thought Id land on some other room. I remembered that I had this urge to get some that night. I think I even half-stood up on my way out of the room. I was lucky my dizziness saved me. I dont like to think of what might have happened. Scary.

Here's another story.

Yesterday, Lori and I went to SM North to buy some gifts. It was actually not my plkan to buy some gifts for my family. My plan was not to spend much this Christmas because I want to save for a new fone. But then it is Christmas. And I realized that if I cannot make myself happy on my own, maybe Id just make other people happier.

Perhaps it will be nice to see my parents open the gifts I made them. Its the first Christmas of me earning dough. I want them to be happy. Shit I am such a SISSY! Why am I still a good person even if I dont believe in God? I forgot to buy a gift for my pet cat though.

Dont want to talk about this anymore! Bye!

Fine Fine

After two days, I am still not over losing my fone. All I can say is -- shit. But I have to accept it.

This morning I accompanied LE at LTO to get her student driver's license. And along the way, I was talking about that same topic about you-know-who. I am really quite miserable since I lost my fone (I cant help help thinking about what a big loss it was) so I thought I better talk about some things which should make me happier. And so I landed on that topic.

In a way, it was pathetic. I mean, I have said that it was all over and all those... but BUT BUT I cant get it ALL off of my mind. I have nothing else to think about these days. Schools almost on vacation. No text messages for me. No more gimmicks for me. No booze or parties since I lost my fone. Nothing to think about! So there, I cant help thinking and talking about that.

It is sad, really. Sad. So much that I can cry. I am sad not because I was left behind. Im sad because Im still thinking about you-know-who. LE keeps on telling me that I am pathetic. I dont get angry. I get sad because it IS true...

Im not really hoping anymore. Its gone. Everything has been made clear. Im just nourishing that idea of 'what if'. I KNOW it isnt helping at all... but I cant help it. And as Ive said its the only thing that makes me happy now. But Im thinking of an impossible thing, so it will only hurt me more eventually. In the end, I will just get hurt more. Hurt more.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always so sad. Sad since October 4. "It wouldnt hurt so bad if it didnt feel so good." Is something wrong with me? I have a feeling I am overanalyzing things. Why do some people - some with heavier problems than I have - dont blog like I do? Are you all safe and snug inside your own persons? Dont you have issues you want to talk about? Dont you have these kind of pains and sufferings? How do you handle them? Am I the only one like this? Am I not right in the head?

Anyway, back to what happened this morning. When we were on our way back to UP, LE told me something about letting people go if you really love them. I was quiet for some time after she said that. Dont I love you-know-who that much? Cant I let go?

I had a sudden image of myself holding you-know-who and letting go. Letting go for good. I imagined you-know-who looking back at me, looking happier, and walking away out of my sight forever. Forever indeed. I can do that, but it will hurt me loads.

Perhaps I really need to let go. But do I have to let go now? Now when I have lost most of the things which make me happy these days? (There are some other things I lost which I did not mention here in my blog.) At this low point in my life?

It gets hard, sometimes... I do wish that Joy was still at the boarding house. I need someone to talk to. I need a shoulder to cry on. I really need to accept to myself that you-know-who is really gone. And that things are better as they are at present.

Really? This is better? I could have been SO happy with you-know-who. So happy. I have so much love to give! So much! And its all going to waste! Guys, you dont know how deep I can love. When I really love someone I can go to all lengths just to show it. All this nice feeling inside me going to the drain. Going to the drain when its draining me empty too.

This miserable state I am in now is better? Shit! This is shit! But I have to accept these things. I have to accept that I lost my fone - my favorite thing in the world - to someone evil. I lost it without a fight. Without it lasting for a month. All the memories I have attached to it. All gone! Gone!

I have to accept that you-know-who can never be with me. I have to give up. Give it all up. Give my dreaming up. It is over. No more contacts. Not even friendship. Nothing! Nothing left of us. Not even memories. All is to be forgotten.

I cant take this. This is too hard for me.

(After a few minutes..)

I lost the momentum. I was talking about..? Oh that. Okay then I will try to accept my losses. Geez I was talking about this serious shit again. Fine fine. I will try to be fine. Check out this song...

you are an obsession i cannot sleep
i am a posession that you feed
theres no balance no equality
but still i will not except defeat

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way, and i will have you
like a butterfly, a wild butterfly

i will collect you and capture you
you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

i feed you i drink you my day and my night
i need you i need you by sun or candlelight
you protest, you wanna leavelike a butterfly oh a butterfly
i will collect you and capture you
stay oh theres no alternative

love is a bit of skin
i see the beauty there
but i see danger, stranger beware
a circumstance in your naked dreams
you reflection is not what it seems

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

my fantasy has turned to madness
and all my goodness has turned to badness
my need to possess you has consumed my soul
my life is trembling i have no control

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way and i will have you
like a butterfly a wild butterfly
i will collect you and capture you

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me

Helping You Out

Hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! I lost my fone again at that blasted hotspot of infernal snatchers- Philcoa. Putang ina! Wala pang isang buwan ang motorokr fone ko sakn! Leche! Putang ina nila! Bastards! It wont be easy to make ipon another 17thou for that! At best I will be able to buy the same fone next Feb pa! Mga hayop!

Shit. I will be out of the map again for a while this holiday season. No more gimiks for me! Time to make ipon a lot of bucks! Lecheng mga snatchers! NO parties, NO gifts to give for me muna. Just when I thought I really had something I like! Kukunin pa sakn?! PUTANG INA NILA!

Lecheng buhay to. My new fone is one of the few things that makes me smile these days tapos... Waaaaah! Lagi nalang akong nawawalan...

Sigh. I guess I can do nothing about it but accept it. Sana lang mapunta sa poor family ung money na makukuha ng hayop na snatcher na un.. or sa family ni Maxi.

At least hindi na lang ako nasaktan. And besides I dont think I deserve that fone. i mean, Ive told you that Im basiucally wasting my money on booze and parties.

Ive been so bad lately, perhaps it was payback time.. Dont I deserve to be happy once in a while God? See Im blaming things on God now. Perhaps I just shouldnt believe in him na lang. Ill only blame him for bad things that happen to me.

A good turn, whoever is directing my life. Take them away frome me. Shux ang drama.. It was no big deal actually. Not as big as losing people I care for. If it was meant to happen, it will happen. I need to learn to value the money I earn.

Well, life has a funny, funny way of helping you out... helping you out.

On My Bed

There is this person I know. His name is Bryan. Or Bry, as he is called now. He was a particularly curious boy. Because he himself believes that he is particularly curious.

He thinks he is always sad, this boy. I dont really believe that. Especially lately when hes going out with his friends very often. Hes having fun! Its just that he focuses more on his failures than on his achievements. He has sort of taken for granted all that he has gained. And he does not easily accept things that he lost. He knows how to handle victory. But failures?

Let me tell you this story. There was this mouse. A small gray one who fell in love with a cat. He thought that the cat has the most lovely eyes - like jewels on a starry night. He knows that it is wrong to fall in love with a cat. Cats go with cats. Mice go with mice. But can he stop it? Can he stop how he feels? His mice friends told him to think carefully. He decided hed better risk it. He wasnt able to think about nothing but the cat the past few days.

So then the night came when he had to tell the cat about how he feels. The cat looked at him angrily. He explained everything - how it started, what was happening to him lately. The cat took a very long time to give a reply. And then, the cat just ate him.

And so there he is, inside the cat's stomach. Suffering, because, you know, he had to squeeze inside the cat's slimy esophagus, and be bathed in stomach acid. But you know what, he was happy then. Even if he will die in a few moments inside the cats tummy. Because, he said, that he has never been closer to the cat's heart before.

He could feel it beating, the cat's heart, somewhere to his left. Or right. He was becoming less aware of direction. The pain was just overwhelming, but he was happy.  It wasnt beating for him though, he knew. He knew, but it was enough to have felt it at least.

That was how deep his love for the cat was. No matter how he has been punctured by the cats teeth, how his bones were cracked by its jaws. How much he bled. How much he was deliberately hurt. How much he was ignored. How he is suffering right now, he still loves the cat.

Foolish mouse! His friends said, after hearing the news that he was eaten by the cat he loved. Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, the mouse. He thought how inferior the cat was in comparison to him. He has thought about that. But it did not matter.

Foolish mouse! His friends wailed. He hardly even knew that cat! Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, too, the mouse. He thought how he barely knew the cat and yet he has developed feelings as deep as his. He asked himself why. Could it be just the cat's eyes that he liked? He wasnt sure. So what if he barely knew the cat? It did not matter.

Foolish mouse! His friends cried. He fell in love with a cat! A cat! A CAT!Foolish foolish foolish!

He has thought about that, too, the mouse. Falling in love with a cat. He knows the risks. He knows. And yet did it matter to him that he fell in love for a cat? A mouse falling in love with a cat? No. It did not matter.

What was important for him was the feeling. It was the love he could have given. He thought how happy he would have been if the cat liked him too. He thought of how he could endure everyone's gossiping. How he could endure being hurt, just to be with the cat. It was the love he could have given. The love which went to waste. Which went to nothing.

He died inside the cat's stomach thinking about these things. Did it matter to him then that the cat reciprocate his feelings? No. What was more important was that he has shown how he felt. He loved, even if he was not loved back. He loved. Thats it. Thats what matters.

And that was a part of his story. And how is the mouse now? Dead of course. A part of the cat. A part of the cat's poop.

How is Bry now? A part of the cat's poop!

Ahahaha! This is all shit anyway! If I were to see that cat? Id step on it! Id slash its body open! I will hold it by its tail and smash its head to bits on the ground. Ill take its brain, squeeze it in my hand and throw it everywhere! I will take its heart. The heart it denied me. I will eat it! Crush it with my teeth. And spit it out! Spit it out! Hahahaha!

You think I will let myself lose? Hahaha! I do not take failures too easily. Poor you. I will haunt you! Hahaha!

Veritaserum

It is weird. I think I am a chicken after all. No, I havent watched "Chicken Little", and I never will. I just realized that I went on boasting how brave I was about killing myself, and not believing in God, and yet I cannot face that person.

How chicken shit is that? I am not going into that phase anymore. Sometimes I just have to put some more guts into me. Messing up relationships has always been a bad thing to me. But now I wont. Sometimes, you just have fun. You fool around.

You made a fool of yourself? Laugh at it! Make believe that you meant to look that way all along. Somebody hurt you bad? Laugh at it! Why will you be affected by that pathetic person? Laugh and tell yourself that they dont know what theyre missing, leaving you like that. Do you need them more than they need you? Of course not! You are an independent being. You dont lean on anybody, they lean on you. You are the best, the greatest, and losing you was the worst mistake they ever made!

Ha! Who was I kidding? I am not this person. I am honest with what I feel. If I feel hurt, I write that Im hurt. If I feel shit, I give you shit. If Im pathetic, I tell you Im pathetic. Do I need to pretend? That sucks! I am not ashamed of what I feel, thats how I am! I mean, if people dont believe in what you feel anymore, will you do the same to yourself too? I am the only one Ive really got and I will not desert myself. If I feel stupid shitty feelings, I help myself let go of them. I dont reprimand myself. I wont pretend that theyre not there and try to live another life.

Some people may say that that is the way to get over some things. Maybe true for some cases, but not with this. I believe that I will get over this without pretending and fooling myself. Without ignoring what I really feel. Just let it out. Dont hide it. And I think I am feeling better. Not perfectly okay though, to be HONEST. Sometimes I wonder whether I would return to normal again. Hey Im referring to this one issue, okay? I am normal in other aspects (in fact better in some). Hehe. Here goes my big head again.

You know one good thing about all my blogging is that I learn while I blog. When I sit in front of the computer, I do not know all that I will write. I just go on typing. Sometimes I get an idea. Most of the time though, when I want to blog, i just blog. And I usually end up my entries nicely-suited to my initial intentions.

Yes, I learn while I blog. Its just like talking to somebody when youre trying to find a solution to your problem. But unlike mere chatting, you organize your thoughts when you write. And you wont be distracted. Also, you get all your ideas from yourself. It gives you a good feeling when you realize that all along you have the answers to your hells within you. You just have to distill them.

Almost Crazy Fantastically

I can never trust myself. Sometimes, I turn out to be this fantastic liar. Why? Its because I keep saying things that I eventually contradict in the end. For instance, I have said in this blog that I am okay. (Remember "Resurgam"?) But I disproved that with "Escape". I do not want to be judged a liar. And I did not really lie in "Resurgam". Back then, I thought I was okay. That was the truth, then. It was not the truth in "Escape". I hate myself in that manner.

Do you think I am foolish? Yes perhaps. Why is it taking me such a long time to recover? In fact, I was about to write in this blog about me being quite okay now, but then, I saw this something, and now it appears that I would be writing about me being not okay after all. Silly. I have never been this inconsistent. With my heart.

What would it take for me to truly escape? Or perhaps I am just rushing things? You, how long did it take you? Here are some of my thoughts on my quest for finding out why this is happening to me. It could be because of the person, the experience, or my ego. Or it could be two of them, or all of them.

Lets analyze one - the person. Hmm.. Hmm.. Thinking about it gives me jitters inside. Lets say I am in front of that person right now. What would I say? I was actually preparing for that moment when I was riding at the Ikot jeep a while ago. You can never know who you will meet.. No. I would probably ignore it.  When I am in the right mood, I could be as cool as hell. There were times that I raise my chin so high that if I bumped into that person right then.. I will come out in my best. But there are times (like now) when I would rather not. I would probably do my best to avoid the encounter. What is happening to me? Fuck me! Why am I like this? I feel like I am really in need of a memory modification. Or perhaps I could just kill myself.

I have seriously considered killing myself a lot of times before. I think its cool. Killing ourself. It just shows that you are the master of your own life. A fast car does not hold the end of your life, neither does your enemy. Or bacteria or viruses. I think that is, in a way, deprecating.  Bacteria killed you. Those almost brainless simple creatures. No. Im sorry if I offended some people. But really, Id rather kill myself than be killed by anything else.

What would happen when I kill myself? Id try to tell you how it feels. Id find out a way. A bloody way. I dont want to die through an overdose of pills. Thats a  chicken-hearted way of dying. Id have it all messy, all painful. I want to feel my own life's worth. No sleep. Id feel every second of my remaining  life. How Id love that!

And I dont want to die without causing a commotion. Ill engrave it inside people's minds - the manner of my death. I dont want to be easily forgotten. I want to be the one told in ghost stories - how this seemingly cheerful and content boy, no, man, died so horribly, and how he left his farewell message in his friendster blog. That is terrific!

It is weird but I am actually feeling excited about killing myself. I really am! Believe it or not, i have that anxious feeling in your stomach right now. Like when youre in a contest and the winners are about to be announced. That feeling. It IS weird.

Okay, lets take both sides. Lets find reasons why I shouldnt kill myself. First, I will be missed by those who love me. Will I? Yeah, probably. But if they really love me, they would understand and let me be. Theyd say, "Oh, he wanted to kill himself. We let him do what he wants." There, those are my friends! They cry for themselves but not for me, since I did what I wanted to do. Dont worry I wont leave this world without leaving some notes to you. That would probably take a long time - writing to every one of you. Perhaps Ill just make a general-sort-of letter. And Ill just write your names there. Aint I nice?

What about my family? There, thats the catch. Id probably hurt my mom by killing myself. That I can never do. Perhaps if she dies ahead of me, I will probably follow her death very very very very soon. A matter of weeks, perhaps? Ah here's an idea! Id be the worst son there'd be! So she wont miss me when I finally go. Or perhaps I will kill myself when Im already out of touch with them. When Im abroad, so they wont know until its too late. No, my mom loves me more than all of these. No matter what I do.. Hmm.. Ill have to find a way to get around that before I decide to kill myself.

Hush, dont worry, though. Perhaps when I am drunk, I wont remember my mom, and then I could go on and kill myself! Thatd be great! Or perhaps when I am in a low state - so low that Im almost crazy I wont remember anything, even my mom. But I have to remember to kill myself in a fantastic manner. That I should not forget. Perhaps I should have it tatooed on my arm or something - "Hey Bry, die fantastically!"

I dont want to discuss the other two points I have picked out way above anymore. No, I just want to talk about death. Death, yes, death! Hell's glare! Finally!

Im an agnostic. I dont really care where I go to when I die. If I go to hell, and suffer there, then Id suffer. Dyou think Id cry out? NO. It was my decision that led me there, and Ill stand by it. Sometimes, I believe that those who believe in God are chickens. Some of them. Those who just want assurance that when they die, theyd be in this "better" place. Those who cant fight demons on their own. I dont believe in demons either, thats part of my being agnostic. Sometimes, it takes guts to be an agnostic. Because being one will mean losing your pretty little guardian angel. You are all alone in this world, dumb ass. Cant you see that?

Hey, perhaps that was a bit too hot. I was just carried away. Anyhow, death death what more to say? I want to feel hell, feel pain inside me. Masochistic. Its because I have this shitty feeling inside me still (how many fucking times have I said that?). I am so FUCKING TIRED about having no other topic to talk about here. I am SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! What does it take? Tell me!! What does it take to forget??! Ive drank all the alcohol I could and still I cant let this out. I need more! More! Its just not enough.. I am trying to forget and still I end up here. I am so damn weak.. What does it take? How can I forget all this, fuck YOU!!!

Sigh. Writing here helps though. Right now, I feel a little bit tired. Like the tired feeling you get from bashing things when youre mad. That kind of tiredness. A tiredness that wants to make you feel relaxed.. Like you just want to close your eyes for a while, lie down, and not think of anything. Turning away from people for a while because they can never really fully understand you. Especially me. I am more complicated than a normal person. Really.

I actually considered trying to tell you something. But I have lost my momentum. And besides, if you just read carefully all my entries here. If you think, if you put pieces together and has a good hold of grammar, you will know by now what I am talking about, and so I dont need to write it out here. If you are not smart enough to figure it out, then perhaps, it is best for you not to know for now. It really isnt that big a deal, and if I still have enough writing momentum, I could easily type it here.  But as Ive said, Im quite tired now.. I will tell you what you want to know. One thing at a time though. One thing at a time.