Sunday, January 29, 2006

Wasting Sperm Cells

I finally found the answer to the question: Why am I not getting any heavier no matter how much I eat? After years of sleepless nights and frustrations, I suddenly came upon the answer while I was fooling around in bed. I am wasting all my nutrients on my sperm cells.


This, added to the fact that my hair grows fast, deprives me of essential proteins needed for muscle building and fats for energy storage. Hair, as you well know, is made of keratin, a protein. And sperm cells together with all the components of semen are made of biomolecules, most of which are energy sources.


Just think. How much do I ejaculate everyday? How many sperm cells, painstakingly reproduced by cells in my testicles, die in the sheets, on tissue paper, on my skin, on other's, inside that small area in tip of a condom? How much find themselves prey to bacteria or who knows what organisms when they are released into the outside world? Am I simply wasting the food that I eat on producing sperm cells which eventually are fed upon by other organisms? Am I being controlled by such low lifes?


Imagine how many sperm cells are sacrificed just for me to have an orgasm. How much of what I eat goes to some other person's mouth (hehe.. feeding?). Ehem ehem...


Dont think this is a green entry, I am simply stating facts in a scientific biochemical approach. This is partly based on real experiences and not on pure assumptions and guesswork. (Whatever). It is really unfair. Women just need to give one egg cell and some fluids! Lets forget the blood cells...


Poor sperm cells. Complete with lots of mitochondria, cell membranes, nuclei (do they need these?) yet destined to die on some place unholy. I pray for the millions of sperm cells I as good as killed with my hand. I am sorry. But some things just cannot be stopped. Hence, I will continue to be as thin as I am now. If I get any thinner, you should be scared! 

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Three Asterisks

I am once again in the mood to blog, yet I do not have anything in mind to tell you.

I am in a stable state right now. As Ive said I am buffered against feeling negative emotions at the moment. There is no angst for me to vent. I do miss telling you lots about what has happened. What has happened?

It was nice. It has been nice. Im feeling well. It seems weird though, like being in a relationship unconsciously stops you from dwelling on negative things. Its not like I have forgotten about my past miseries. It seems like they dont matter much anymore. I know they do and they should, and thats the weird thing about being in a relationship. You have something within you changed unconsciously. That makes sense to you?

Anyway what else to talk about? Oh yeah Im planning on doing another album for this sem. I already have a tentative title, but I dont want to reveal it now. It might easily change and I have two more months before its release. Did you know that I thought of naming last sem's album, "Back for More" as "Ever After", and "Wheat Field"? Ever After was actually my working title.

As usual, I am very excited about making this one. I am predicting changes, probably drastic, about the lineup since Im planning it too early. But I already have a concept about the cover. It will have to be a representation of me since the album is about me.

The coverage will be from november until march, so it will include both good and bad things. Some songs do not reflect how I feel at present, but they did at a certain period of my life so I will still include them. I hope those who had a copy of my previous album will enjoy this one as well. It wont be as sad as that one, I assure you.

Anyway, I am not that good a writer about good things as I am when writing about sadness. I do would like to share some things but they are not quite within the realm of decency, hence I should not put them here. Dont ever get the notion that nothing is happening in my life at present because I am not blogging about it. You should think that something too crazy is happening that I cant talk about it here (or perhaps I am doing something dangerous enough that it cannot be exposed to the public.)

Hey. I just realized that I can put anything in here. Even disturbing or disgusting things. Well, thats the power of blogging. Why dont people all blog? I guess some are just more inclined to write about their experiences rather than talk about them. Look at me, I am not a talker. Well, not in a person-to-person way. I talk a lot in my classes.

If I say that my girlfriend is <toot!> and that I am a <toot!> would you be surprised? If I tell you straight that I <tooted!> my <toot!> would you <toot!> me because of that? I am handling enough surprises for two people. I would have loved to know yours though. I would have liked to be in your shoes for a while and know how it feels to be you. Its a give and take relationship dammit. I tell you mine you tell me yours. I am sure your life is interesting. Why dont you talk to me?

I am crazy. I am just typing thoughts as they come to my head. I cant wait to plan for my new album. I cant wait. Its coming soon and it will blow your head off!

***I guess perhaps the reason why I am not writing too much at present is that I will not be the only one involved in my stories. I would have to consider which ones she will allow. Its not like shes forcing me not to talk about us. In fact, shes asking me to stop smoking and yet I cannot (addicted?) and I do not want to. Come to think of it - she is already a part of my life. I am usually egocentric and yet that realization sounds nice. I am not feeling choked, I am free. I am free - no relationship can cage me. And yet the limitations I have on myself are imposed by me and not by her. I think that should be the way relationships work. I mean, you can cheat anytime. You can do what you want. But you should bear in mind that what youre doing is hurting the other person. If you can bear hurting her then maybe you should rethink.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Toy's Victory

Finally after a long ride, Im settling down to my Chiyo. No more angst. No more bitterness. It is weird sometimes I almost feel that I am married - a weird thing. Very weird especially since i thought that I will never ever get married.



I am buffered against feeling bad things at the moment. I dont even care about my lost fone anymore. I dont even care about losing that fucked up ***. I am just content about the way things are for me.



Imagine that! After all that has happened to me. All the pain Ive put in here. All the shit... I didnt think I would ever come to this point! Now my life has changed. My point of view. My priorities. Almost everything. I havent felt like this before. Its different. I used to be a single human being. Single in the sense that I think about myself first, I live for me. But now it seems like I am living for another one as well. Like I am part of something bigger.



I am just so.. fulfilled and contented. I do not deserve this. But here I am.. Goodbye lonely days. Goodbye sonuvabitch. 2006 is a year of deaths and one of those who left is you. Rest in fucking peace forever!



Wow. It is just so amazing. But I know.. relationships arent always smooth sailing. The storms will come, I know. And yet. Just having this feeling inside me now.. it seems like I can handle all of those. Like they dont really matter.



After a very long war against myself, Ive finally won. Victory at last. I wish I could stay trapped in this state forever.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Catcher

Im falling from this cliff again
Not knowing where ill land
Im making things happen again
A reason to be glad



And yet i try to look up on
The place where i began
The cliff which gave way under me
From which away i ran



Im falling from this cliff again
Not knowing where ill land
Im relishing the howling wind
Until my journey ends



And yet i hope and wonder
Will there be another time
Where i can sit and ponder
Having someone really mine



Im falling from this cliff again
The ground is coming near
Theres someone there to catch my fall
I have nothing to fear



It comes and goes, my catcher dear
It comes and goes again
We can say that were both here
But in essence were not there

Goodbye Sir Willie

My thesis co-adviser Dr. Willie Barraquio from IB just died last monday because of a heart attack. If you dont know him, watch local tv and wait for the Joy Antibac commercial.



Well, I was sad. And knowing myself, I was surprised that I was sad. I even cried in the wake.



Sir Willie is really a man of science. I wont forget what he told me and Rhay while we were doing our thesis. He said that to be a really good scientist, you have to sacrifice your social life for a while. Because you need to devote your time in the lab. I laughed about that at first, but then, he was right. I cannot be a good scientist in my current attitude.



I will not forget how I become fearful everytime I pass by his lab. Its not that he is bad. He is just intimidating. He is really kind and when he gets angry it is for a good reason. Science requires tough discipline. It was because of him that I was able to graduate on time.



Science will mourn his loss - he has contributed a lot of papers to international journals. In a way, he has inspired me.



Now whenever I pass by Bio Pav, I wont feel fear anymore. I will not fear accidentally bumping into him, fearing a scold.



But when I look at Petri dishes, at autoclaves, at gatorade bottles, at shakers, at growth solutions, at saline solutions, at UV light, at zinc dust, at centrifuge tubes, at Venoject tubes, at phenol, at my thesis, at bacteria (as if I can see them), I will remember Sir Willie and the price of being too tardy when you cannot afford to be.



Sir Willie, goodbye. Im sorry if I wasnt able to do my best with you. I want you to know that you are one of the few people who have changed me. Thank you for the gift of research you gave us.



2006 is a year of loss. A year of dying. I do not know who will go next, maybe I will. Maybe some of you will. And I do not want to leave loose ends before I go, so please, can you forgive me? Can we start afresh this year?