Soon

I am afraid for the coming weeks. I have to be prepared. I dont know if my students see, but... I am afraid.

Last Friday, when classes were suspended, I invited some of my 28.1 students to play frisbee with me. It was still early, so I thought that they might want to spend their free time with me. Nica and Mae came. I was glad they did.

They came. I somehow expected them to come. But what about the others? They would rather study perhaps. Or sleep. Or spend their time doing something else profitable for themselves. I know they have their reasons, and that I had no reason to be hurt. But I was. It was like I am pushing myself on them. It is like they dont realize that our days together are numbered. I dont know...

They might say that we are not really close enough to spend more time together. Why am I pushing the limits between what should be? I am just a teacher.

Just a teacher. Just a lab instructor. And yet I have grown fond of being with them. My kiddos. I like leading them towards something fruitful. I have grown into that role. And soon, it will all be over. It is just sad that perhaps they do not realize how much I will miss filling that place.

It is not their fault. It is my problem. Or is it a problem at all? Soon they will go. They will go! No avoiding that. But like what my student Jel said, I should smile instead because it happened.

I am so happy. I was able to have such students with me for one semester. But, I cannot deny that I will be SO hurt when they go again. It hurts me much!

But is there any point in focusing on the sadness? Maybe I wont even cry after all. Maybe. I am a heartbag. A big bloody sissy heartbag.

That is a painful lesson that I have learned. Some students do forget.

Or maybe the remedy is to simply do nothing. Perhaps I will be hurt less if I will start acting colder? No, I cant do that to them.

I can picture the last day in my mind. Everyone there (hopefully). Once we walk out the door, everything will be different. New students will come, but they all are meant to go anyway. I hope some will stay. Please do. Stay, keep in touch. Never forget that I am still here. The same old grumpy touchy me.

Every meeting from now on counts.

The Locked Door In Me

My new album is almost finished. I've got about two weeks before its release in March. I have to finish it in time before my students become out of reach. I would have liked each of them to have a copy, but because of financial constraints, I can only give it to some, unless I opt not to give them my other gift... It "costs" to be a friendly teacher...

I dont hesitate spending my money on my students, but the trouble is, I dont have anything to spend. I am always broke. Shit, I even lost my only investment - that blasted fone. I hope you die! You who took my fone, I know your face thief! The next time I see you, I'll slam you to the ground!

Anyway, back to my album... I found it harder to make this second album than when I was making the first one. I keep on changing the lineup. The first one came more smoothly, naturally. And when I listen to it, I feel like I am cradled from one song to another. Like I am recalling the things which have happened to me the first semester of the current school year. It was the best album that I have made so far. Will I surpass that with my second album? It is hard to judge since I was really in a "right" state back then. It is different now, when I hardly have anything to vent. My skies are bluer and clearer at present, not like the iron gray clouds which used to streak the sky of my past. Dreary, and yet full of passion.

Sometimes, I miss those times. Since I was never so close to myself as I was back then. I think I am a masochistic. I like pain, in a way. Maybe I just miss those times when life seemed so sharp and vivid.

I am not saying that I do not like where I am now. I am in a "homey" state at present. Of course, being here is great in a different manner. A bright state in an unselfish way. Like Im in a garden full of flowers, everything looks so fresh and wonderful...

This new album, I have to admit doesnt make me feel as much as the other. But it is still great, Im telling you. Some songs make me smile, some cut me, some makes me wonder about everything which has happened. It really feels great to listen to something which sums up a period of your life. I like making albums. I hope I wont stop as I grow older.

My new album, for one thing, is happier than the previous one. It has more upbeat songs and less slow or gloomy ones. You will have a lesseer chance of falling asleep listening to this. I dont know... until I listen to my finished second album, I will not ba able to judge which is better. And besides, why judge? Each album, like what Alanis said, is like a different room in your house. Each has its own distinct smells and memories, so perhaps maybe it will not be okay to compare one different thing from another.

Why am I blogging about this nonsense? Nonsense for you, but not for me. Making an album is not simply choosing songs you can relate to and compiling them in one CD. It is about looking back at the songs which became a part of you back then. Back then when I cried, when I was hurt. Back then when I was happy, when everything started from blood. Making an album is arranging these songs such that each feeling will flow from one to another. A smooth ride.

It is like telling a story. You introduce it with intersting sounds, before you go deeper into the real stuff, and then closing it with as much memories as you can inflict. With as much effect as if a part of you died with the end of the album. Which, indeed, is what really happens. As the last song comes, a part of my life ends.

Making albums is my way of connecting to people. My way of telling them of what happened to me. My own special means of giving a part of my life to others. Of making you feel than in the short term that we have met, you have made a strong impression on me that I am willing to let you enter the walls of my private domain. That you have been a part of my life, and hopefully, I have been a part of yours too. It is akin to letting someone read your diary...

Rereading my entry makes me feel weird about myself. Its like I have become a total heartbag, if I might invent such a term.  I always feel too much, use my heart too much. I wonder why other people are not like me? Is being like this bad? I dont care. I am just putting all my passions into the things which matter most to me in life. And what are those? Memories, friends, my life.

I am far from having the perfect life. And yet I am contented with what I have now at present. I always feel so full internally. Is that love? Maybe... I just feel good, that's all.

I recall Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix... The final fight scene at the Department of Mysteries. Inside one of the rotating doors is a room where wizards attempt to study love. Harry and the others were not able to open it.

I think I really am like Harry in this manner. He uses his heart more often. He cares so much about his friends... Perhaps I really am Harry after all.

Love Spell

Valentine's Day never seemed to be such an important holiday to me before. Never have I been so anxious, never have I felt so special, never have I felt the energy hanging in the air on this day before. Last year's Valentine's, I was at home, absent from school. I never even remembered that it was Valentine's...

This year though... it is different. I already knew Valentine's will fall on a Tuesday last month. Plans came and went. Schemes came and went. But my real Valentine's surprise hasnt even come yet. I thought that since on V-day, everyone's expecting surprises, Id better reserve my surprise on another day. Is that logical? You know me, I am a nonconformist.

Fish died today. Our pet fighting fish named Fish. I saw him lying on his side on the bottom of his small aquarium home. It is sad, losing Fish. I used to like him very much.  Even if I cannot even touch him... Sigh. 2006 is indeed a year of losses. Even animals will die this year. I so very hope my pet cat, Baby, wont die this year. Fish only lasted a week. Baby has been with me for five years now. It would be harder for me to lose him.

Marnie, my Chem 16 student last sem, has been taking tutorials with me for her Chem 17 exam on Sunday. It feels nice, that I am still able to talk to her, and laugh with her, and share memories with her. She is often with Adrian, and that, in a small way, makes me happy too since it seems that I was involved in how they became friends. I am glad I am still in touch with a handful of my past students. When we're together, you will not guess that I was their teacher last sem, not a common friend. Well, unless you her them calling me "Sir" occasionally...

I had a henna tattoo done on my forearm last night. A lightning bolt. It did not really look like how I drew it to the artist, but it should do. When it starts to get ugly, I will have it covered with a bracelet.

Ive been to the Fair twice now - last night and on V-day, and Im planning to come again tonight. My students invited me. Well, my money these days is more slippery than water for me to hold on to.. I wonder when I can really save. February is not conducive for saving. Will the Valentine's bonus really come?

Tonight I am going to the Fair again. With my Chem 28.1 students. Too bad I wasnt able to meet my Chem 16 students yesterday. Perhaps they would have invited me too.

I am really happy that I am able to spend time with my students. Soon, it will be over, so I am stocking up as many memories as I can. I have a feeling that I will have fun tonight, spending the night with my students. Riding the Octopus (aka Variety Show), having tattoos, eating, walking around, listening to the bands, sitting on the grass, meeting friends. I like being one with my students in spirit and in spirit still!

Like an Ogier to a Stedding

My Chiyo's love (take note, I am only using my as an indication that I am referring to the Chiyo I am with. I do not own her, and no one should ever will) is like so many things. For one, it is like cooking tuna carbonara impromptu on a weekend morning. We are not always given the best of options, and we often had to make do with what is available, and yet through her wit and innovative ideas, she can come up with something very very tasty. Cooking involves hard work and patience (which I unfortunately do not have) and you need to be motivated for your dish to be really really good. Well, I had the chance to have a taste of my Chiyos' love and I have to say that it is very good and can compare with dishes from other restaurants. I am not aiming for flattery, in fact, I was very surprised that the dish turned out very good. Seems like "Like Water for Chocolate" is real after all.

My Chiyo's love is like washing my underwear. She knows my deepest... secrets. I have nothing to hide from her. She has seen all of me (hehe). All she needs to do is ask and I will tell her what she needs to know. Transparency, for me, plays a big part in relationships. Both sides should know what is going on inside each other's heads and hearts. And that should not be a burden or a discomfort when both are aiming to make their relationship last. Scrubbing out the dirt which accumulated over the day on my undies. Not wincing at the weirdness of the task - that is my Chiyo. She knows that it is for my own well-being and she will not hesitate to help me in ways that I am incapable (which I might say are quite many). Besides, she will also benefit from my clean undies. Cleaner... surroundings?

My Chiyo's love is like the silver ring she gave me as a gift for this Valentine's. It came early, out of plan, all things going wrong and yet she was still able to surprise me. With her "Love Actually" pauso of using index cards with words on them and not speaking, I have to say I was charmed (and that is something, knowing that I am made of equal parts of whalebone and iron). Something you think went wrong and yet life came in to help you out. Like what Alanis says in "Ironic", life has a funny way of helping you out. Her love is like my new silver ring, because I cant help but notice it. It sparkles like a diamond even though it is made of silver. At first glance, it is simple but when you look closely, it is full of fine details. But you can never see what is inside unless you take the ring off of my finger (which is a very difficult task since I can hardly remove it sometimes). What is written inside is very simple and yet has a way of touching my heart no one else has done before.

My Chiyo's love is like hours spent on the rooftop beneath the night sky. On some nights there may be no stars, or no moon. Some nights, there are no clouds. But there is always the lights of the city. the darkness in the trees. The cool night wind. Things may not always be as best as they can be, and yet spending time there is never a waste of time. When I go down from the rooftop, I am always filled with a sense of something slowly being filled inside me. Something which makes me feel relaxed, my thoughts clear. Something which cannot be fully explained but has something to do with just spending time with my Chiyo-san on the rooftop.

My Chiyo's love is like hours spent laying on her bed. When you dont ever feel like getting up. I always had to get out of her bed because of work or chores or of necessity, but never because I just wanted to. Sometimes, we wish that the hours would not pass while we are lying there, simply holding each other close, talking little, just having some really good quality time with each other. Just that. Just knowing that I am there and she is there and we are together... finally.

My Chiyo's love is like passing through hell's glare and back. Passing through the worst kinds of situations typical in drama series on television. Scenes fit for an afternoon ala-TGIS show. Undergoing so much emotional trauma that we needed to take in antidepressants (joke!). When almost everyone disagrees with what we are doing. It is us against the world , and we have won! We have won! I will say it to your face moralist. Jokes on you, you pessimist! We have won! We have passed through hell not once but THRICE! (Ala Susan Roces). When things are meant to happen, it will happen. Despite the odds.

But most of all, my Chiyo's love is like... my Chiyo. She's probably lying on her bed now. Waiting for me to come home. Waiting to pester me about where I went. Waiting to tell her stories about what happened during her day. Wondering what I am doing... Things are simply not the same without my Chiyo here. Right now, I feel the need to go home (like an Ogier to a stedding) and just see her, and sit beside her, and fool around... hehe. Nah. I simply like being with her. God, I am sliding down hill from my old self, and I never thought it would feel this good.

Happy Valentine's Day, my Chiyo. I dont want to say those three words here. You know that I am not one who just throws those three words around to anyone anytime. I dont want them to become bland the next time I say them. They are three very precious and meaningful words and perhaps you might hear them some time soon...

What Hurts Me Most

When you update your blog too often, people seem to lose interest in checking what youve written new since it happens too often. Unless they are really interested in what you are writing...

This time I am going to write about my life as a UP chem lab instructor.

Teaching is not hard, but I guess it depends on the person. Last sem's end was heartbreaking, no exaggeration. I recall one night last year. It was the last day of classes - October 1, the same date for the third Chem 16 exam. I was lying in bed ready to sleep, listening to the CD some of my students gave me. The ending songs in the CD - Closing Time, Kuwarto, and Paglisan - made me cry.

Some of my colleagues are probably getting a bit exasperated about me when they see me being close to my students too much. I get too attached. And that night, the songs made me realize that I will never see some of my students again. Never see them smile when I encounter them walking in the Chem corridor, laugh at my jokes in class, see their eager faces when I am discussing a particular lesson. Never again will I check their quizzes, following each student's progress. Or simply have all of them - complete - inside the walls of our very old laboratory home where we met 6 hours a week for a whole semester. Never again.

I cried, recalling the happy memories we have shared. How we had so much fun and yet were able to do what we need to do. Never again will I see them do experiments, ask me things about the procedure. All those things. They have been a part of my life for five months, and then suddenly, each goes his or her own way. Leaving me inside our classroom, recalling memories. Looking at the dry sink, the empty tabletops, the spotless blackboard... listening to the quiet of the room. Nobody calling me "Bye, Sir!" or "Hi, Sir!", or simply "Sir!" anymore.

I read the messages I made my former students write me a few hours before we all parted. Saying thank you's, saying good luck's, telling me how they had fun. It has been four months now and still I get this teary-eyed feeling as I am writing this. My work gives me so much pain and yet I will not ask for more.

If I worked in the industry, where salaries are higher, where the equipment is better, will I get the smiles I receive when I see my students? Whenever I walk by the Chem pav or even in the streets of UP, all students would be strangers to me. I would have missed so much. I wouldnt have met such wonderful friends such as Marnie, Zynka, Caps, Lyn, Ate Julie, Adrian, Giselle, Ace, Kristel, Tom, Korinah, and all the 60 others. All of them would have been strangers to me if I did not teach.

Will I have the memories I have with me now? Memories of reportings, accidents in the lab, bloopers in the procedure, sharing stories, all the laughter? No!

I feel grateful that I seem to be following the right path. That at an early age, I feel content and fulfilled about what I am doing. I do not really consider teaching as "work", its my mission. When I discuss topics in front of the class, I dont feel that it is something that I had to do, its something that I want to do. Its just like being with your friends, like Im helping them learn. I enjoy what I am doing.

Teaching is a noble job. We are not merely giving students lectures, we are giving them knowledge they can use for their future careers. And it not only stops in that. As an instructor, I can help make this learning process fun and memorable. Through teaching, I am able to touch their lives. I am able to be a part of their story, even for a few months. In the short time given to us, Ive made some of them laugh, relax, just enjoying being a student of chemistry. Ive made a difference in their lives. Who can ask for more?

I feel weird about myself. I have changed. Before, I usually do not care about other people that much. All I think about is myself. If I were to be made an instructor then, perhaps I would be a business-is-business instructor. Do this, do that, listen to this, no fun, work, work, work! But perhaps, the students themselves changed me.

Ive made made my students write an essay about our class and they always seem to like their classmates. All of my three lower chem classes mentioned that their classmates are fun and easy to hang around with. That, in my opinion, did not happen by chance. I simply let the students be themselves. I foster an atmosphere without tension, so students can feel at ease, and hence learn more not only about the lessons but also about their classmates. I also make it a point to share some of my experiences to my students. It is a sign that I trust them, and that I want to be friends with them. It not only makes it easier for them to interact with me, it makes it easier for me to talk to them and teach them better as well.

Sigh. The end is coming near again. February is almost halfway over. And then March, and then goodbye. Goodbye students all over again. My life goes in circles. Nothing left for me but memories, and most of all the friendship that we have developed through the hours weve spent together. If I feel this now, what would I feel when it is really time for goodbye? Maybe I can handle it better this time. Maybe not. But I dont care if I get hurt even more this time. What matters is that I was able to enjoy being with my students even for the limited time given to us. That I have been friends with them, and perhaps through a bit of my help, I have made them friends with each other.

I am always the fox in the Little Prince. I allow them to tame me and when the time for leaving comes, I get hurt. But the colour of the wheat fields will always stay. Always.

So, students. Of the past and the present. Please do not forget me. I am still remembering. But, I know that when people are apart, they grow apart. And perhaps we will too... But in the myocardial cells of my heart (this sounds so cheesy but it is true) and in the neurons of my brain, you will always have a special place which I will tend as long as I could.

Do you know what you could do to hurt me most? You can make me suffer so much. I am at the mercy of just one word. And what is that?

Forget.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones/ Aimed with angry art/ Words can sting like anything/ But silence breaks the heart

Strength

I am currently waiting for Chiyo to come here in the lab. She's working late somewhere, and I am starting to worry that the security guard might come up here and check on me. Technically, I am not allowed to stay here this late. For one thing, I do not have a valid reason for staying. If I were to do my waiting, it should be outside.

So I thought about writing in my blog. It feels like it has been a long time since I last wrote an entry, and I am a bit excited about what I would write now. I recall something: my Tarot card reading.

It is this tarot card test I took in tickle.com. I am probably a sucker for these psychological tests, since naturally, I want to know myself better. I want another person's opinion when I try to analyze who I really am. That is one thing I find weird about me: why do I want to know myself too much?

In that tarot card test, I picked three cards which represent my past, present, and future. The card for my past was the Devil, signifying negative emotions of which I remember most is obsession. That did reflect my past. Obsession. Remember a previous post(s) of mine?

My present is represented by Justice. I dont really need to explain this too much, it explains itself. And still it fits my current situation. Im in a phase where I have to judge two things fairly and without bias. It gets hard sometimes but I think Im doing well.

My future is represented by the Strength card. Hell, how it fits. In a relationship, I need to be strong. Especially me. It gets me into thinking sometimes when I have to fight some basic emotions which arise inside me. When they do, I label them as wrong, therefore, to be deleted. And sometimes, it does get hard. But I am not giving up. I have my personal ups and downs. But in the end, I come back to my home. Where I feel loved. Where I feel happy and content. Where simple things matter most. Just the thought that I am with someone who knows me inside out.

Storms have come.. and passed. They are essential in relationships. If things heat up, I let it cool down and think about it rationally and calmly. I should not strike back and that may only deepen the problem.
Thinking back, I havent really been in a real relationship before. Ours is different since we see each other almost everyday. We live together. Do things together. Sleep together. It is like I am married. Somehow, despite all that, It hasnt really crashed into me that I AM with Chiyo-san. That after all that has happened between us, at the end of the day, I feel her beside me, sleeping quietly (unlike me I snore loudly). When I wake for work in the morning, shes still there beside me. Before I go, a goodbye kiss - as if we will not meet later in the morning. A laugh there, a hug here, and kisses all over the place. Those simple things are enough to dispel the difficulties that I go through sometimes.

And now she's back. Worried that I waited for her too long. Giving good news that her new assay worked. She sat on my lap, and I had this dawning that I was REALLY happy for her, and finding it weird that my facial expression cannot express how I truly feel.


Chiyo-san, please bear with me. You know me for who I am. I may not always be showy, and there might be times in the future when you will feel that I may not be there, but I want to hold on to us with all my strength. Including my right arm biceps strength. Hehe. I just need time to sort things out on my own sometimes, but in the end , I have a feeling that we will win against my inconsistencies. With you here, I will try to be the man you have always believed to be within me.