Friday, June 30, 2006

Blah Blog

Good evening class, our lesson for today is about blogging. Ano ba ang blog? Paano nga ba mag-blog? Ano ba ang katuturan nito sa ating buhay? Makakain ko ba ito? Let's answer these questions one by one. If you have any questions, simply raise your hand. There is no need to rise from your seats.



First, let's talk about the term. Blog, as most of you already know, came from the word "weblog" from which we might deduce as a log of events published in the web. Hence, it is an open journal of whatever you want to record. Depending on where you publish it, other people may be able to view your entries as they wish.



There are many popular places where you can write your blog, aside from your own website, if you have any. There is Friendster for one thing, which wasn't really meant to be a blogging website. (You might have noticed that Friendster, lately, has given more focus on its user's blogs, which is a very good thing for bloggers like me.) There is also the quite popular LiveJournal (I have an account there, too, but those who I want to view my entries are here in Friendster so I don't post there as often), Blogspot (the original blog site), and similar friend-connection-centered sites such as MySpace, YouTube, and others. (Actually, I'm not that sure about the latter two.)



So, how do you blog? Well, anyone can write a blog. There are no rules. Just type whatever you want to type. However, there is an unwritten distinction about good blogs and bad blogs. We should remember that, when you blog, you are doing it for a purpose. It isn't simply a blank page where you can tell whatever you want to tell - not as crude as that. Take note that the reader is a part of this. So in essence, your blog must produce an effect to your readers.



It's just like having a column in the newspaper. You put things in there, but you are not sure whether people will actually read your entry. But once they do, you have to keep your audience. You have to make sure that whenever you post another entry, somebody will read it. Otherwise, your blog will just become a private diary.



How do you keep your audience? Well, you have to keep their interest. You might write about something funny, something weird, or something informative. After reading your blog, the reader should get something out of it. A lesson or a laugh are best, but you can also make your readers have a headache or a heavy heart if you want to. You might make them think or be more open-minded about stuff. The key is - it should have an effect.



There are various ways for you to know that your readers responded to your entry. They might tell you something about it verbally, they might post a comment now and then, or they might even start their own blog, inspired by your own.



As in all forms of communication, it should be important that your reader clearly understood what you wanted to tell them. Language is a primary concern. make sure that whatever language you choose, you must be fluent enough in it. Also, the language you use depends on the purpose of your blog. I could have written this in Filipino if I wanted to, but since this is more of an informative blog - quite formal in a way - English serves better since most of us are used to reading information in English (as in our textbooks.)



Form is another factor, and needless to say, it depends on the purpose of your blog. Prose is the more common form since it is more flexible and can be applied to many types of entries. You can also write poems if you want to, especially those who have a touch of being an artist in them. There are also other forms - you can write a dialogue for instance.



My opinion is that you have to be more careful with poems. For one, it should be nice enough. Others tend to use overly flowery words in poems. Those poems if not executed properly tend to fail to reach their readers, even if they look appealing and intellectual. Myself, I prefer to use simple words if they suit the thoughts I want to convey best.



A blog should have a purpose. Or at the least, it should have an underlying objective, if you want your readers to really appreciate what you've written. You might tell a story about what happened to your day, but in the end, it should have a certain degree of significance. You might share what life's lesson you've learned after your long day, for example.



But other blogs are good to read on their own, even if they don't have a "moral lesson" as some would say. These blogs have an innate "interest" factor in them. A traveler might share about the places he has been to, or a clown might tell a story about this party he's entertained. It's just like telling a story to your friend. If you're going to write about "Hey, this morning, I woke up. I dressed, got out of bed. I took a shower..." then your readers might not want to finish reading your blog. Write about something new. Write about something your readers would like to hear.



Now, let's proceed to the person writing the blog. The "blogger" has a purpose in publishing his entries. For instance, class, I blog because I want to make my thoughts about matters more coherent. I want to share these thoughts that I have to my friends and hopefully, they would make a comment or two. My blog is my emotional outlet when a friend who might listen is not at hand.



In Friendster, class, those who will read your blog are most likely your friends so you are quite ensured that they are somewhat interested in what you want to say. If you post a blog shouting "I'm devirginized!", your friends (if they are really your friends) will definitely read it, while other people might not be interested enough whether you are really devirginized or not.



Blah blah... blah blah blah. Just blog your ass off dammit!



This entry is getting too long even for me, and I'm not sure if I could write like this any longer. All I know is that tomorrow, something will happen to me. Something pivotal. Dizizit! But I'm not going to rave about it like I did. I'm going to take it coolly, and just hope that I'll still be walking straightly on my way home...



Wink!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

A Note/ Plan V

This afternoon, I was checking my Chem 16 students' prelabs, and I came upon this small sheet of paper inserted in a lab notebook. The thing was... it was not from the lab notebook owner.



It was a note of apology, primarily. A short one, but heartfelt. I knew immediately who it came from. The handwriting was quite obvious, and the tone somewhat familiar. It was signed as someone I don't know - a jumble of letters or an anagram perhaps? But I know who it came from. I felt it.



Well, I think it was I who should apologize for what happened. I was really in an irritable mood that day, I never thought of how my words might sting. I really am sorry and I am not angry at you. I've never been. It takes a lot for me to be really angry at someone.



I've noticed you've been hanging around IC again, and I want you to feel more comfortable whenever I come across you. I think you were a bit shocked, the first time you came face-to-face with me. Don't be. We are friends, and nothing will change that, okay?



***



>>Operation Reports for PLAN V:



Plan A
Time: 0900 hours.
Date: 28 June 2006.
Location: Gateway.
Head of Operations: Commander B.
Medium: Agent Drew.
Status: Failed.
Cause: Transmission Error, Communication Stopped.
Reason: Unknown.
Hypotheses: Unnerved about enemy position? Found something else to concentrate on?
Decision: Abort operation. (Neknek nya!)



Plan B
Time: Not assigned yet.
Date: Possibly next week.
Location: Not assigned yet.
Status: On-Going.
Head of Operations: Lt. Divine Lisa.
Medium: Col. Miami Vice.
Chances of Success: 70%
Hindrances: Enemy position. Action specificity. Sufficient response to enemy.
Decision: Go go go! (Good luck D!)



Plan C
Time: Not assigned yet.
Date: Near future?
Place: Not assigned yet.
Status: Not even begun but already approved. Reply accepted. Waiting for verification.
Head of Operations: Commander B.
Medium: Agent Drew.
Chances of Success: Projected --> 50%
Hindrances: Enemy appearance. Too formidable. Might not respond favorably.
Decision: Waiting... (Gito or rehjim?)



Plan D
Time: Classified.
Date: XX July 2006. Later date eyed.
Place: Classified.
Status: Plans to attempt second attack. First attack failed. Second attempt not started yet. Last resort.
Head of Operations: Commander B.
Medium: Agent Drew.
Chances of Success: 80%
Hindrances: Funds.
Decision: On hold. To operate if previous plans fail. (Sure thing)



Plan E
Time: Classified.
Date: Three months to go.
Place: IC.
Status: No actions done yet. Target yet to be observed if worth attacking.
Head of Operations: Commander B.
Medium: Mistress V.
Chances of Success: Unknown.
Hindrances: No information about target. Not enough signs.
Decision: Waitlisted. Observe target. (History repeats itself)



>>Classified Operation:



Plan F
Head of Operations: Secret Agent A
Medium: Classified.
Status: On-going but slow in progression. Might be aborted.
Chances of Success: 1%?
Hindrances: Past associations? Target inconsistency.
Decision: Commander B has stopped this operation. Secret Agent acts on his own decision. Still given permission to submit reports to headquarters.

Reports Submitted: Target unattached. Target exhibiting weird behavior amomg like targets. Agent decision about target ---> possibility of being infected with H or B Virus.



***



>Commander B's Notes:
>>Life isn't all that hard. Never give up from your failures. This is for you. For >>your own good. Don't let others hold you back from doing what you should. In >>combat, be safe, bring ample protection. Know about combat beforehand. >>Learn enemy terrain - look for site points. Target desirable areas. Most of all, >>have fun. be yourself. Learn to be you, soldier.
>>
>>End of message.



Tuesday, June 27, 2006

This Page Cannot Be Displayed

Who would like to read about something so taboo, it shouldn't even be written nor read?



Who would like to read about the insufferable drama of a UP Instructor so frustrated about his life to the point that he becomes blinded to everything else?



Who would like to read about another failed attempt for a person who wants to go out in the world and know himself?



Who would like to read about the rantings of a person, a teacher you once knew who keeps on blogging, almost everyday, when you have enough problems of your own?



Who would like to take a part of what I'm feeling right now, bursting last night about what his supposed-to-be "answer" finally coming and then knowing at the last moment that it wouldn't happen after all?



Who would like to feel foolish about himself, blurting everything out here to the eyes of the world and getting no consolation, no words of support?



Who would like to feel desperate, trying vainly to regain his former self, losing it, then trying to regain what was lost too late?



Who would like to never learn from his past mistakes, never learning what the words caution and moderation are for?



Who would like to realize that the most important persons in your life aren't happy for you?



Who would like to be the source of shame of their parents?



Who would like to feel being left out?



Who would like to feel being played upon?



Who would like to feel restless?



Who would like to get no answers?



Who would like to hope and fail?



Who would like to feel that nobody cares about the most important issues about you?



Who would like to be me?



Answer me because I'm serious, who would like to be me?!



Would you like to be me reader?



You think I don't notice your secret smiles, your knowing eyes everytime I come across you?



You think I don't notice how you read my blog avidly and yet do nothing to help me out of this, content to ponder that at least these things did not happen to you?



You think I don't know how much you gossip about me?



You think I'm crazy?



Well then, so be it!

























Monday, June 26, 2006

On The Fulcrum

I've never been in this state before.



I'm hot. Fevered, I mean - not exactly what the term means to most of you. But in a way, that also applies to my present condition, too... Oh shit, I am hot.



It's coming... It's coming soon! And I'm sooo nervous about it... I have to vent this out somewhere or I'll explode like a... like a... firecracker! Kaboom!



I have hours. Hours left before it happens. If I already feel like this now, what would I feel when that time comes? Will I totally lose my head and my control on myself? Or will I be as stiff as... never mind.



This will be a turning point in my life. It's the turning point. Will I say goodbye to all I hoped I could be? My foot is raised, ready to step on to the next level. I just hope that after this, things will be clearer for me. I'm now given a chance to balance the scale and see which one has gold and which one has fool's gold. (Ha! That might be a quotable quote for you.)



This is it. This is IT! (Sorry for the annoying redundancy. I just type what I have in mind.) Fucking hell but... this is IT!!!



But what if plans go awry? Will I be disappointed or relieved? Relieved I guess, at first (for a few milliseconds perhaps?), then disappointed after. And then my cycle will go round again. Then, I will write another entry about this. And rave about it. And I will say "This is IT!" again.



I'm old enough for this. I'm even too old, in my opinion. I've done my hiatus. I've taken my time to reflect, but nothing has changed. I'm a boulder resting on top of a hill. One push, and I will be going down on the other side like an avalanche. Nothing, then, will be able to get in my way. Nothing will be able to get in the way of Bry the Bi!



Still, no matter how much I write about this, I will never be able to guess what the aftermath of this decision will be. All I know is that my whole life led to this moment. All the drama I've let out here, all the vague pain I've been experiencing... Finally, I will be able to get some answers. After this -- and that will happen a few hours from now.



The day has come. And the clock is ticking...



Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Venus

"'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe"



Venus was rising in the early morning sky as I sat on your bed, feeling the coldness of the fresh air coming from the window. The sheets were smooth on my bare skin. I shivered. But not from the cold.



I looked at the sky outside, and tried to forget what happened. Tried to isolate myself from this confusion developing within ourselves. Enveloping us in a slowly-tightening web which will eventually prevent us from escaping from each other. I start it, true. And I decide when to end it, but in the middle, I lose it. Because I cannot concentrate on you.



I cuddled closer to you, and tried to sleep. Sleep and dream. Things stop for a while when we sleep. When we sleep, nothing happens between us. There is nothing to make this complicated situation more difficult, when we sleep.



But sleep is the one which brings us together again. After the coldness of the day, the indifference of the afternoon... In the night, we become the old me and you. Rebuilding, in our small way, our supposedly planned future. The wee hours of darkness is our twilight zone where what is real in the day can be dismissed as fiction. That is when our unconscious minds, our basal instincts, take over the formality of relationships. Eclipsing what was decided long ago.



Such things are to be left in the hands of gods. We are taking what we want, and we will pay for it. Eventually.



We can only see Venus during the dusk and the dawn, where the end of one leads to the beginning of another.



"But another what?", I ask myself.



I shift to the other side of the bed as dawn slowly lightened up our room.



"'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe"



*Excerpt from Lewis Carrol's "Jabberwocky"

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Cum Laude For Nothing

Maam: "The energy is equal to L minus B over..."


Me: L? Hindi ba alpha yun?


This was my last coherent academic thought while sitting in Chem 230. The room (PH 2203), despite the fans, always has a stuporous effect on me. The lights are too dim, and the air too stuffy. I never liked that room, except when I used to pass there just to take a peek at my student(s).


I sort of reflected on my academic self as I was sitting there, listening to Ma'am Arco's lilting voice (which I have to admit, does get you off of your doze if the topic was interesting enough.) I used to be one of those my classmates can go to whenever they missed something the teacher said. That was the old me. Always glued to his teachers without much effort. The new me is disinterested in his academics.


The new me is sick of the goody-two-shoes life. He is sick of always striving to know the answers in his academic subjects. He is tired of the endless bouts of exams, quizzes. The new me just wants to live life. Take the back seat for a while and do the things he should have done when he was younger. It was the academe who stole those which the old me missed.


Now, I am unleashed from the school rules. I wear whatever I want to wear. I swear whenever I want to. I go wherever I can afford to go to. The new me wants freedom from the academe. The new me wants love. Love that I want.


I've had enough of academic recognition. I want something else.


I will not deny that graduating with honors did help me clinch this job. I will not deny that a good academic record ensures me of a bright future. But what is happening to me now? I'm not who I used to be academically. Have I learned, after all that has happened to me, that honors do not matter? That I would have rather been dumber than be the person I am now? That I would have gladly exchanged some points in my GWA for a better physical appearance or for heterosexuality? For richer parents or for a normal brother?


Yes. Yes! I would if I could. Being intelligent didn't bring me the one I want. The one I think I love. Intelligence is bullshit! You can all have it.


We all want what we do not have - that's quite proven. But it just galls me to think that there are luckier people out there in the world. People born into rich families. People with complete sexual identities. People who can be closer to the ones they love because they look good. Intelligence is shit!


I am not blind though. My honors will bring me money someday, and with more money I can improve myself. But can love be bought?


Intelligence is bullshit!


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Heto Na Naman Tayo

Gabi. Hindi ka pa umuuwi. Nasa'n ka na kaya? Tanong ko sa sarili ko. Shet, ang hirap talaga ng walang fone.



Buong araw nasa apartment lang ako. Walang magawa. Nag-internet. Nag-yosi. Kumain ng Chippy. Nagbasa. Wala nang ibang magawa kundi ang hintayin ka. Iniisip ko, bakit ganito? Baka... ano... kwan. Wala lang ito.



Humiga ako sa kama. Maluwag, dahil wala ka. At nagbasa. Tapos, hayun, bigla kong narinig ang boses mo sa baba. Natuwa ako. Napangiti pa. Sa wakas, umuwi ka na din.



Nagpanggap akong nakikinig ng music para hindi halatang hinihintay kita. Ang tagal mo bago umakyat. Kaya inaliw ko muna ang sarili ko sa pagbabasa. Tapos, andyan ka na. Naramdaman ko. Tinanggal ko ang headphones ko at inulit mo ang sinabi mo.



"May pasta sa ibaba," ang iyong sabi. Malamig ka. Parang malayo. Napangiti na lang ako. At sinabi ko sa sarili ko, "Heto na naman tayo..."

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Mga Pagtakas Sa Katotohanan

Kagabi, walang magawa. Naisipan kong uminom nang mag-isa. First time! (Dati kasi, beer lang. E hindi naman ako agad nalalasing dun...) Hayan na. Timpla na ko ng pomelo juice (first time din) tapos halo ng GSM Blue. Masarap siya actually, yung GSM Blue. Kaya nung hinalo ko na nga sila, masarap din ang kinalabasan. Halo sa pitcher, tapos dagdag ng yelo at presto! Handa na akong maglasing, kahit walang kainuman. Pinatugtog ko na ang aking mga CD's.



Hindi na ko gumamit ng shot glass kasi ako lang naman ang iinom so mapapagod lang ako sa kakatagay nun. Narealize ko na medyo kulang pa ang tama, so dinagdagan ko pa ng gin. Hanggang sa ayos na, inom lang nang inom, sabay kain ng favorite ko na Chiz Curls. Yung mascot nga lang nun (yung parang Powerpuff Girl) ang kausap ko. Hwahahaha! Hayan na ang tama! Talon diyan, sayaw dito, higa dun sabay iyak at tawa. May tama na nga ako. Tapos, dahil boring na (hindi naman kasi sumasagot yung Chiz Curls Girl), tinatamaan na din ako ng antok. 10pm pa nga lang e. Kahit na hindi ako satisfied sa tama ko, nagligpit na din ako. Kalahati lang ng pitcher yung naubos ko (pero note na may yelo pa yun tapos dinagdagan ko pa ng gin). Ang hina ko! Pero inaantok na kasi talaga ako. Alam ko naman na kaya ko pa. Muntik ko pa ngang maitumba yung ref namin dahil hindi kasya yung pitcher sa loob.



Paggising ko, wala namang hang-over. Frustrated, dahil hindi ko din na-accomplish ang aking goal na magpakalasing nang todo. Wala naman kasing mag-aalaga sa akin just in case. Ewan ko, sa lahat nang dinanas kong mga problema, kulang na kulang ang paglalasing na iyon. Mamaya na lang ulit siguro...



***



I got this concept from Alan Lightman's "Einstein's Dreams." The book was a collection of stories about different worlds, each of which has a different type of time. In one, there were two kinds - body time and mechanical time.



People following body time do not depend on clocks or watches. They eat when they are hungry, they stop working when they're tired. Those following mechanical time have rigid schedules. They have lunch at noon, dinner at 6pm. They do not eat when it isn't the proper time yet. I tried to do an experiment on myself to see to which group I belonged.



I wear my watch all the time, except when I'm home (where I can simply look at the wall clock), or when I'm taking a bath, or sleeping. After a few minutes of not wearing it, I became uneasy and agitated. I kept wondering whether it was time to go to the internet cafe yet, or whether it was already time to eat lunch, or get out of bed even. Like most of you out there, I realized that I am a slave of mechanical time.



***



Bago pala ako uminom, nung hapon pa, nagpunta ako sa UP at tumambay lang sa Sunken habang nakikinig ng music from my upcoming album. Gusto ko sanang magpakasenti at lamunin ng nostalgia pero lintek! Ang dami palang tao. Yung mga joggers at iba pang sporty people na nagsosoccer at frisbee. Ang dami pang lovers dun, ung tipong pahiga-higa pa sa lap at ano pang kalandian. Holding hands, konting hug diyan. Hindi nakatulong ang pagpunta ko sa Sunken. Naglakad na lang ako around the Academic Oval.



Nung pabalik na ako, may nakasalubong akong little girl, kasama ang dalawang matandang babae (siguro relatives nya). Nung malapit na ako, may inabot na papel yung bata sa akin. Siyempre nagulat ako, nakikinig din kasi ako ng music nun. Yung papel, may naka-stapler na candy. Tapos yung message sa papel, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?" napa-smile na lang ako, at tumawa din yung bata. Sa loob-loob ko, sabi ko, "Shet, is this a miracle? Is God reaching out to me, finally?" Pero after a while, nakalimutan ko na agad ang aking planong magbalik-loob. Napuno na ang isip ko ng usok ng yosi, ng mga busina ng mga sasakyan at iba pang ingay-tao habang pabalik ako sa KNL. "Nothing's gonna change my world" sabi nga ni Fiona Apple habang tumatawid ako ng kalsada.



***



Nanaginip ako kanina. Tinitingnan ko daw ang picture mo. Yung todo close-up with your close-up smile din. Tapos bigla ka daw pumikit, at unti-unting gumalaw. Parang picture sa mundo ni Harry Potter. Sabi ko pa daw nun, dapat pala dati ko pa ito ginawa. Hayun, nakatingin lang ako. Pinapanood ka. Pinapanood ko ang mga kilos mo, tapos masaya na ako. Sana hindi na lang ako nagising.



***



Nanaginip din ako ng action dream. May barilan daw. Tipong ala-NPA vs the government. Sa mall nangyari ang lahat at may kasama ako na panig ng mga NPA. Heto barilan daw, at in fairness marunong daw ako bumaril at umilag sa mga bala. In the end, natamaan daw yung friend ko na NPA. Yung kasama ko na girl, hindi pa. Tatlo lang kami.



May nakasakay daw sa kotse - isang lalaking nagdadrive at si Jean Garcia (wow). Nabaril daw namin yung driver kaya bumaba na si Jean. Nakatago daw kami sa damuhan (by then nasa labas na kami ng mall). Nagka-ubusan na ng bala at yung mga attempts ko na barilin siya ay nag-fail dahil dun. Tapos heto sya, nakita nya na ang hiding place namin. Tumayo ako, pero yun nga wala na ngang bala yung baril ko. Dinare daw niya ako at tumayo siya sa tapat ko dahil alam nyang wala na nga akong bala, bago niya ako barilin. Nagtarget na ako, isang hila, at bumagsak siya. Sabog ang puso.



Kung kaya ko pumatay sa panaginip, kaya ko din sa totoong buhay. Hindi ba ganun iyon? Dahil habang nanaginip ka, akala mo totoo yun.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Open-Mindedness

According to the test I took at www.web.tickle.com:



"Bry, you're more sinful than the average person.


"And it's affecting your life in ways you might not realize. For one thing, your sex drive may ultimately be your downfall. Beware of prioritizing sexual experiences and conquests above other things. These kinds of desires alone should not control your life.

"If you continue to focus on them, you might find yourself jeopardizing the things that are most important to you."








My reaction? I kinda laughed inside. (Can you imagine laughing with your eyes looking scared? Like being caught in a lie and trying to laugh your way out?) Was it true?? Ummm, let's just proceed with the rest of this blog. Okay, fine fine! Yes, I think it is true.




"Sexual conquests"? Hahahaha! "Jeopardizing the things that are most important to you"? Hmmm, makes me think.






I took another test. A harmless one called the Color Test. Here's the result:






"Bry, the first color you chose reveals that you're feeling Calm today.
"For centuries, colors have been known for their energizing, calming and empowering qualities. In schools of psychology, a leading color theory suggests that your color preferences can also indicate what's on your subconscious mind. From your choices, here's what we found out about you. Like other people who chose Blue first, you tend to take things in stride. Instead of getting worked up over situations, you probably solve problems without feeling too much emotional stress. The fact that you chose Blue first also indicates that others probably see you as a mild-mannered person who has a balanced approach to life.

"How rare is this color choice? 33% test takers also chose Blue first, but less than 0.10% of test-takers share your exact 8-color sequence."






See, reader? I am following what I've written in "Hiatus." I'm not thinking or feeling too much lately. However, I kinda laughed inside (again) about this part: "Instead of getting worked up over situations, you probably solve problems without feeling too much emotional stress." HA! One of the best jokes I've ever heard!






But honestly, I don't feel too worked out about my other problems. Financial ones, for instance. Or problems regarding my acads or my work. I only throw my head over the fence about my emotional problems, so in a way, the result is still quite true...






I took one last test for the day in that website - a difficult one about my handwriting, and here is what it revealed:






"Bry, your handwriting reveals that you are Orderly.
"Your writing style reflects that you like things to be neat and orderly, and that you generally follow the rules necessary to keep things clear."






What I do know is that most people I know (especially women) are loads more orderly than I am. At least, I think I can say that I am not a complete slattern.




I changed my mind and took one more test called The Religion Test. Here's what it said about me:






"Bry, your belief system is best suited to religions that value open mindedness.


"How do we know? While you were taking this test, we compared your religious beliefs against 10 of the world's most common religions. Your score shows that you share core beliefs with religions that encourage you to find your own spiritual path.

"You are attracted to a religion that tolerates mixed beliefs about the existence of God and upholds the idea that there is something to be learned from every religion. You are open to a wide variety of religious and spiritual ideas. You are attracted to spiritual groups that are composed of typically open-minded and intellectual people who actively engage in individual exploration of many different spiritual truths."








VERY true.






If I turned out to be a psychologist, what are the risks of me going insane? Will I continually analyze myself, taking tests all the time to completely map the basis of my emotions and urges? Will I do psychological techniques on myself to improve what I think needs to be improved? Or will seeking psychological help from other people fail since I already know what they are trying to do to me?






Being a chemist did not prevent me from feeling. It did not prevent me from analyzing myself even if I already have a notion that emotions are but impulses from our nerves. That feelings are carried out by chemicals - by organic molecules or by ions, in some cases. I have a feeling that even if scientists have already established that feelings are simple by-products of chemical reactions, I would still be like this. Who would choose to live a life without happiness or pain anyway?






I'm on my way to hell. In my Form 5, I write that I am a Roman Catholic, even if I am not. Who would stay in a religion where homosexuality is shunned? Sometimes, people are just too blind! You, reader, answer this question I got from the same site.






























Homosexuality is:
  A special blessing that warrants reverence
  A completely natural sexual orientation
  A sexual tendency that should be discouraged and overcome
 

A sinful and perverted sexuality

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The End of the Count's Tale: The Cliff

NOTE TO THE READER: This entry is Rated R. Don't tell me I did not warn you. If you are weak-hearted or conservative, forget you've seen this. Believe me, it's for your own good.



The Final Chapter of the Series. Wow. I can't believe I'm ending this story with this entry. I'll miss writing this "Count's Tale". I've grown fond of the Count and his emotions. I'll miss everything about this. Feeling writer naman ako. Here goes... I'm writing this in the point of view of the Count for a more dramatic effect (kuno).



***



I pressed him against the wall, against my body. We were sweating.  My eyebrows seemed to have disappeared completely for sweat kept getting into my eyes, stinging them.



"Do it now!" the Hunter told me. "Now!"



"I... I can't..." I was trembling, and holding him was the only thing keeping me from falling down on the floor in an incoherent heap. "I can't do this!"



The hunter's already scared eyes searched mine. "This is your plan. This is our only chance. You have to do this. Do you get me?" We were so close I can feel his breath on my face.



I nodded, but further movements seemed beyond me at the time. Dying for him was easier than what he was asking me to do. Still, I did nothing.



"Please," he added. "Be strong. Do this for me!" And he pulled my head towards his neck roughly. "Do it now before I lose my nerve!"



I was crying. It was the only way, I kept telling myself. The only chance we have. I simply have to... but his smell filled me. Filled me, like in my dreams. My tears mingled with his sweat. I can feel the beating of his heart. I can feel the skin of his neck with my lips. I can feel his body tensing for what would come. I can hear his ragged breathing. All these were the last living moments of his life. Of my hunter's life.



A jingling sound, then the sound of footsteps hurrying towards us.



"Now!" he whispered hoarsely. And with a cry, I punctured his veins with my fangs.



He struggled, but I kept him trapped within me. His blood flowing in a warm current towards my mouth. I am slowly... slowly killing him. Killing my hunter. The only man I loved...



"Hey!" somebody from faraway shouted. "Get off..." but the voice seemed to dwindle into an indefinite buzz. It was unimportant. Everything was unimportant. There was only me and the hunter. And death.



I loosed the grip I had on his arms, and he sagged a little. His heavy head was pressing against mine. My eyes were closed all the while, and I could hear no more breathing. I can feel no more tension in him. The heartbeat I felt against my chest was... gone.



I fell on the floor, and he fell with me. I handled him like a newborn baby, cradling him in my arms. The first step is done. I should take the next.



Hands were forcing me up. Trying to tie my hands. Pulling the hunter away from me. "NO!!!"



I gave whoever was behind me the strongest blow I could deliver with my newly-replenished strength. Chaos followed. Shouts for help mixed with curses. In a flash, I transformed myself into a crow and the hunter into a hawk. Carrying his limp body with my talons, I flew high, escaping their attempts to hit us. My mind intent on only one thing - carry him to the witch. The flames of the torches flickered as I flew past them towards the distant light.



---



Panting, I knocked on the witch's door, calling out her name. Normally, the witch was already outside to greet me. Sometimes even before I landed. This time, it took a few minutes before she finally peeked through the door.



"You need to help me," I immediately blurted once she opened the door. "I need to bring him back to life." I pointed her the hunter's body, leaning on the nearest tree. "Please teach me the spell! I don't care if I die in return. Just please teach me!"



She held his hand up to silence me, and took her time covering her shoulders with her shawl. She wasn't able to look me in the eye. For a moment, I thought I detected something in them. Was it pity? But it was gone in an instant. Mostly though, she looked pensive.



"The spell," she calmly said. "Has limitations. You are a..." Suddenly, she changed her expression. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, her face was like a stone. Emotionless.



"Please," I said. Unstoppable tears leaking down my face. "Please don't take him away..." I've known the witch for a long time already and she never hesitated before. She gave help, or denied it at once. She doesn't dawdle. Something was wrong, I knew it.



"Please!" I cried, holding her hand. "I'll do anything in return! I need to see him alive! He doesn't deserve this. I should be the one dead! He didn't do anything... I was the vampire... I... I..."



She touched my lips with a finger, and caressed my face. She gave me a look of pure sympathy, turned her back, and closed the door.



"No!" I pounded at her door. "Please help me. Bring him back. You're the only one who can! You don't understand. He's... He's everything to me!!"



I ran back to the hunter's body, sobbing. I held his already white hand, and mourned. He's dead, I thought. He's dead, and I was the one who killed him. Life is bitter, I thought. It isn't worth living for vampires like me. God brought me here in this world to experience pain. Then more pain. The hunter is gone. He is dead. Dead. Dead!



The cry of the ravens was my sole companion.



---



I buried him near the cliff. It was not a suitable place for graves. For one, the wind never stops there. The trees were scary-looking. The place looked wild. No flowers there, just tough-leaved thorny bushes.



I sat beside him, my hunter. Dead now. And talked to him. Talked to him about my life. About my struggles. I talked to him about things which makes me happy. Besides him, I amended. And I laughed at myself. He laughed, too. Shyly.



I laughed. I fell silent. I cried beside him. I can see him beside me, listening to me. We decided to stand nearer the cliff and look at the view below.



The mountains were blue. The sun covered by clouds. The wind brought us the smells of the forest. Wildness. Untamed love. I smiled at him, and he smiled back... It was beautiful.



A strong wind blew on the now quiet cliff, taking with it the Count's secrets. There are no more stories to tell about the Count. No more tales to tell about his struggles, because the Count, like the dreams he cannot have (including the hunter) is no more.



***



Crowfeather_1 But, you know reader, deep within the grave, next to the hunter's heart, lies a single black feather. It was a love that lasted 'til the end. Whatever that means to the Count. :)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Hiatus

I am letting things lie by themselves for a while. I realized, after talking with my high school friends during my "Coming Out Party", that I am taking too much control over my life. I think and feel too much that both are getting me nowhere. Perhaps it is the scientist in me - always striving for the answers. I am always measuring this or that about myself. Perhaps a month or so of reflecting would do me good.



Blogging by itself, is already a part of my reflections. Weird, that I feel attached to my blog already. I am becoming too dependent on this, in fact, that I cannot seem to think clearly without writing my thoughts in here. (So that's another reminder for you, reader, I don't just blog without a reason. Keep that in mind. I'm no Kris Aquino. Well, perhaps she had her own reasons too for blurting out much about her personal life. Sorry if I offended some fans out there...)



I'm already just a step from doing what I needed to do. Somehow, what my high school friends kept telling me (about losing something in myself when I finally do it) crashed into me. Am I being low, reader, if I resort to this thing, which if put into the most vulgar of terms - into prostitution? My concept of being free, of not caring what everyone says (in the ruse of trying to get to know myself) is battling with my concept of righteousness and self-respect. I still believe that, in due time, the man (or human, to be safe) who is really meant for me, is waiting out there. Sometimes, I realize that there is no need to rush my life. I am still young. I've got loads of days to live yet. But if that is so, why did I break up with her in the first place? When I think of that, it just convinces me to do it now - just to justify my actions.



Reader, you might think me numb. I mean, I've just broken up with my longest relationship, and the only relationship I had which can be counted as "real", and I haven't written anything here which showed that I was hurt by that. From reading my entries, you might have concluded that I completely jumped over to the other side without any guilty conscience about what I did to the other. The fact is - I am hurt. Perhaps too deep I can't let it out completely here. It crashes unto me sometimes, but the pain seems to be unconsciously felt. It is still here in my heart. That is why I am having these difficulties.



Now, in light of my decision of letting things lie for a while, I am not going to analyze this further. I am going to take a break from that. I will try to concentrate more on my work and my studies. This is already my second year of teaching and taking my masterals, and without elaboration, I can say that my responsibilities here have increased instead of the opposite as I thought it would be.



As early as this, I am already planning my new album for the first semester. I've had my sampler CD finished even before classes formally started. See, I am focusing on this rather than on my strangled emotions.



I have my friends out there, reading my blog entries. Following my life, even if they don't post a comment now and then. Ziel said that the bad feelings I let out in here are sometimes contagious, and even Sandie said she gets a headache after reading my entries here. To my friends out there, thank you very much. This from my heart. It is really very nice to realize that no matter how dejected I feel sometimes about myself, you still keep on with me. Still there, patient to get me out of this. Patient to read through my numerous, long, and "overly hearty" (as Esme says) blog entries.



In a lighter topic, I am on my way of fixing my broken friendship with Hunter. I have a friend out there, who, despite our lack of time together, is willing to mend what has been destroyed between me and Hunter. I am hoping that things will turn out okay between us after all.



A light shines on my way - I've read this somewhere I can't remember.



I will still blog though, but I will try to write about lighter things for a while. Today, I am feeling better than I had in days. And who can I account that to? Well, you, reader! You're my friend!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Up Drama Down

I'm on my way to starting anew, and like the usual feeling when you're about to begin a new phase in your life (like when you're going on a trip, or like the first day of classes), I am nervous.



I just don't know what to do. I've never been into dating before. Well, actually reader... I DID. Once. And it was quite a disaster on my part. I felt so bad after, I never ventured into that thing again! I never even apologized to the person. Perhaps, I wasn't ready as I thought I was back then. And now, am I ready?



I thought it would be difficult for me to do this thing, but it turned out that there are a lot of understanding people out there. People I don't know who are really willing to help. Some have been in the same or a similar situation. I never thought that the third sex community was really what it meant - a community, where people help each other.



At present, I am not able to proceed with my plans because of the lack of a fone. So I'm planning to buy a new one this month. But that's not the only purpose of that. I also need to get in touch with my friends and my student friends. Enough justifications.



I thought I was loose, but it seems that casual sex is not easy for me. For one thing, I haven't done it with a man before. Perhaps I need to get myself really drunk before I can do it. IF I can do it, that is.



Scared. I am scared about this new thing I am about to enter. Enter, I will, since if I back out again, I will be back where I started.



Strange. How I feel like I'm really getting older. I'm on my own, now. It is my decision alone to go into this... and... and... I am just scared I have nothing else to say.



I have another question. Am I looking for a new relationship? A relationship with someone like me? I have my share of loneliness, too, but not enough for me to be too desperate, that I'd just pick the first person I see. My thoughts, reader, are incoherent in this matter, so perhaps I'd better drop this and not think about it for the meantime.



This evening, my friend will be having a "Coming Out Party" for me. That's what she calls it anyway. I'll be meeting my high school friends for the first time in six months, and there, maybe I could tell them what I've been going through these past months. They've got so much to catch up on.



Reader, do you share the same opinion as I have of myself? I feel like a lot of things have been happening lately in my life. I've changed a lot from the nerdy  but good-looking (haha) high school valedictorian they once knew. Now, I'm red. I'm out. I've become more serious. My heart has outgrown my liver in terms of size and outdid my brain in terms of control over my life. I used to be the passive listener to their problems, secretly wishing inside that I would have liked to live a crazier life. Now I got my wish.



Still, I don't think my life is too crazy for me to handle. I like it. I love my life, too, John Ray. It feels nice to know that I am progressing towards something better. I have a ladder to climb. Unlike others who just eat and sleep. No time for self-analysis. No time to predict where their lives are heading. No inner purpose.



I sound too egocentric. I am aware of that. Sorry if you're not liking it. But I'm not going to change, whatever you say. I'd listen to you though.



Nah. I'm just fooling myself sometimes about liking my life. Ha! I just contradicted myself. Lately, I just can't arrive at any conclusions about my issues. Is your life like this, too?



I'm always in the middle, I wish I was away somewhere. Not trapped in this physical body with its limitations. A traveling soul looking at the lives of others. Looking at their follies, their triumphs, what makes them happy and what makes them sad. I want to be one with nature. Removed from these too human problems. That's why I want to be dead. I want to be removed from feeling for a while. I just want to exist and not be bothered by these.



Just me - no other people in my life. No hunter. No nervousness. No regrets. No uncertainties. Just existence. I'm feeling too much I'm getting sick of it.

Thursday, June 8, 2006

All You've Left Me With

And yet here comes another blog entry about bullshit (a.k.a. LOVE).



The die is cast. And its spinning inside of me, not in my head like Mat Cauthon, but in my sore and rotten region - my heart. I have valid and strong reasons for not doing it now, but I've convinced myself a long time ago that this is something I should do. I don't feel him much anymore, I think. And instead of amusing myself with other men at present, I thought that perhaps, I'd rather go with a Pussycat Doll. Loosen up my buttons... (drool)



I always want what I do not have - that's a realization I got from talking with Jel and Fai. Now that I'm free to go with men, I begin thinking I don't like it, too. What will happen to me if I go on this way? Someone should snatch me, I think. This time, I don't want to do much of the active part in relationships. Fall in love with me. But then again, I'm not so sure if I would like that, too. Try if you want. Anyway, it's useless telling you that here. I'm not looking here anyway...



"It's me, not you," was a new perspective in looking at this bullshit problem of mine. Sometimes, I feel like all these doesn't matter anymore. Perhaps I am only in love with the idea, not with him. The idea of someone like that... Shit, I'm gay. But with him, I do not care what you say. For the others, well... I could be as straight as a rod!



But do I really want to change what I'm feeling? Do I really want to escape? No, I think. Because I'm a big TANGA in these issues, and I'm standing up to that reputation because I like, no, I love pain.



I was pushed away. Why? Did not explain. All the time, I thought it was my mistake. I kept blaming myself for I destroyed even our friendship. But now I knew, "It's me, not you."



And it's on its way to him now. Don't know if he'll take it or not. Like it or not. But in my heart of hearts, I fervently wish that he'll take it, and like it, and feel it. That's the only compensation for losers like me. That's my small way of showing him - "Hey, you gave me hell you know that? But I still... well, I think I still like you despite that. Even if you don't like me, know that you've got me. Sometimes, I'm not very okay with that fact too, but it's real so no need for me to hide it and pretend like I've moved on. Always been and always will be under my skin.



"I don't fancy being with you anymore. I don't fancy big things like that. I'm just hoping to come across you, and ignore you. Ignore you like how you ignored me. But unlike you, I'm ignoring you because I know that there's still that something. Otherwise, I would have said hello. Is that your reason why you ignored me, too?



"I would have liked to talk to you personally. I would have liked to know what you've been up to lately. And most of all, I would have liked you to explain why you did this to me. Imagine, if I did not come across you, what would I have been doing at this moment? (My blog would have been non-existent, for one thing.) I want you to reject me in my face. I'm so hungry, I'll go for scraps of your attention. That even if you're very mad or very annoyed at me, at least I got you to think of me for a few seconds.



"Deep inside, I know that I'm nourishing something dead. Dead in you. But that hope is what keeps me going these days, do you know that? That is the only thing which makes me really smile. My other smiles are nothing but muscle movements. And someday, perhaps, I'll find someone new. But I know that you'll always be in my thoughts because you're the one I never had. You're nothing but a dream. And that's the only place left to me where I can meet you.



"Even in my dreams, you're cold. You're angry. You ignore me. But even so, that's enough for me, because you've taken our friendship away. You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING. I'm just reliving my memories. Every minute spent with you. Every small thing I can associate with you. That's all you've left me with."



If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would tell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
Trace your steps with my fingertips
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
Oh it's you

Monday, June 5, 2006

Suicidal Blog Entry

This morning I transferred my belongings to my new table in the faculty room. And as I was rummaging through my things, it dawned upon me that - shet, isang taon na pala akong nagtuturo.



Grabe - the year that was. Kakaiba. Ang daming nangyari simula nang magturo ako dito sa UP. Iba ang feeling talaga. Kanina nakita ko pa yung mga lab notebooks ng past students ko. Medyo may sentimental value pa din, kahit na mga lab notebooks lang. Di ko magawang itapon. Pati nga mga postlabs e. Pati yung panyo na naiwana sa lab na wala pa ding umaamin kung kanino.



Nalulungkot ako. Kasi namimiss ko na sila. O sasabihin nyo na namang kacheapan to. Well, baka nga. Pero iba talaga kasi e. Iba akong teacher, at ibang klase din ang mga students ko.



Isang taon na sina Zynka at Marnie, sina Lyn at Reya, sina Caps at Mr. Linquico, sina Kristel at Tom. Kamusta na kaya sila? Naaalala pa kaya nila ako? Si Sir Harry Potter?



Sa ngayon, kakaiba ang nararamdaman ko. Nakita ko din yung kanilang mga special postlabs at naramdaman ko talaga na nakareach-out din ako sa kanila. Ang sarap basahin ng mga sulat nila. Yung mga tipong "Hindi kita makakalimutan, sir", "Salamat sa lahat", "Astig ka!", "Yosi pa!", "I never thought that I would enjoy Chem..." Hehehe.



Yung mga souvenirs na nakuha ko sa kanila - si Elmo, ung picture nila Zynka and company na nakalagay sa picture frame ko, ung pencil na ibinigay ni Jen, ung anime drawing ni Dhesz, ung last postlab ni Marnie, pati ung mga clay models ng molecules (tinatago ko pa din yun), pati ung latest addition ko - ung binigay ni Ey na board with matching "Kapag mainit, maligo!" Plus, yung yellow na lobo na may mukha ko na gawa nina Lee.



Kanya-kanya na kaming buhay ngayon. Tapos na yung mga panahong nakikita ko sila lagi. Yung mga tawanan at kwentuhan namin. Bawat klase, may moments. Mahal ko bawat isa. Kahit na yung 125 class ko...



Naiisip ko minsan na ang liit naman ng sweldo ko. Pero yun nga, kung nagtrabaho ako sa iba, puno nga ang bulsa ko, maginhawa ang buhay, bago ang mga damit, pero paano naman ang soul ko? Ang puso ko? Walang laman. Ang buhay ko, walang lalim.



Iba talaga ang bonding ko sa mga students ko. Kaya ang hirap kapag nawawala sila.



Ikaw, reader, hindi mo ito nararamdaman kaya sasabihin mo lang - blog nang blog na naman tong si Bryan, wala namang kwenta. Putang-ina mo Bry! Magapakamatay ka na nga! Gago ka! Fuck you! Go to hell! And so forth. Puro teaching chorva lang, paulit-ulit lang naman siya. You thought wrong. Gago ka! Putang-ina mo, anong teaching chorva? Hehehe joke lang.



Isa sa mga greatest wish ko, kapag paalis na ko papunta sa abroad, magkikita kami lahat ng mga students ko. Isang malaking despedida para sa akin na sagot nila lahat ng gastos. Tapos maaalala namin lahat nang ginawa namin in and out of the lab. Gusto ko balikan lahat.



Puso kung puso. Puro ako puso. Kahit na nasasaktan ako, natutuwa ako kasi dito ako natututo. Ngayon nga, kaya kong umiyak dito sa computer shop. Pero siyempre, may tamang lugar para sa mga ganito.



Bakit ba ang lungkot ko na naman? Una, dahil mag-isa na naman ako sa mundo. Pangalawa, ewan...



Nung saturday night, nag-inuman kami ni mommy. At habang medyo lasing pa ako, sinabi ko na sa kanya ang aking pagkatao. Anong reaksyon nya? Siyempre, umaasa sana siya na magkaka-apo siya. Kaya yun, hindi niya masyado tanggap... pero through time siguro, maiintindihan niya din.



Nung past days, walang trabaho. Walang magawa sa bahay. Hindi ako makatulog, kahit na puyat na puyat na ko. Naisip ko na mag-laslas. Minsan, kasi nagsasawa na ako sa ganitong kalagayan ko ngayon. Pinipilit kong tanggapin ang sarili ko na silahis ako, pero hindi pala ganoon kadali. Akala ko noong una, kasi tago pa ako. Pero ngayon na alam mo na, at alam na din ni mommy at daddy (by now, sinabi na ni mommy yun), hindi pa rin pala madali. Kasi ang kalaban ko dito, hindi talaga ang ibang tao, kundi ako.



Bakit ba kasi hindi ko matanggap? Kasi, hindi iyon ang gusto ko. May mga panahon na naisip ko na finally, I can be myself. Na feeling ko masaya ako. Na ayos na magkagusto sa lalaki, pero hindi pa rin. Ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin?



Mahirap ang mga problemang kagaya nito. Tipong internal kasi. Mas madali pa ang problema sa pera, mga LQ, mga deaths, mga bagsak na exam (kahit na hindi ko naranasan hehe), pressure sa studies. Iba.



Alam mo, kung nagbabasa ka ng blog ko, mag-comment ka naman or mag-message. Kasi hindi ko inilalagay ang lahat ng ito dahil walang dahilan. Kailangan ko ng tulong, advice. Kailangan ko ng comforting words. Ang tagal ko nang ginagawa ito nang mag-isa. Eventually, darating din ang kasagutan. Darating din ang ligaya pero sa mga panahong kagaya nito na wala pa siya, kailangan ko ang tulong mo friend. Pare, (mare?), konting help naman dyan, pasayahin mo naman ako minsan.



Masarap ang ganitong buhay. Walang comfort zone. Walang sagot, kasi, alam mo, kapag tumanda na ako, ang dami kong makukuha sa mga ganitong experiences. I'll be a better person. Ang saya kilalanin ang sarili mo. Ang saya makipag-usap sa sarili. (Baliw na kaya ako?) Ang saya kasi may mga napagdaanan na akong hindi ninyo napag-daanan. Yung tipong masaya na ko dahil sa contentment na ok na ko with myself. Yung ganung kababaw na level that you take for granted. Maappreciate ko na ang ganoong kasimpleng bagay.



So anong gagawin ko for the mean time? Magtrabaho, kasi excited na ako sa isang panibagong sem. Isang panibagong taon. Heto nga may... secret na lang!



HIndi naman ako nada-down masyado na feeling ko hindi na ko makakakita ng bagong karelasyon (the term). Kasi kahit kulang ako sa looks, bawi naman sa personality. Bawing-bawi talaga, umamin ka na, gusto mo din ako. Hahaha (hollow laugh).



Confidence lang naman iyan. Kung alam mo yung worth ng sarili mo, you will do well. Kita mo ako (heto na naman sa Mr. Hangin...) Saan ka pa ba makakakita ng taong kagaya ko? Wala! Huwag ka na magsinungaling! I am very interesting (kung nababasa mo kaya 'to, ***? Natauhan ka na ba? Joke lang.)



Sabi ko nga sa mga students ko, ang totoong magaling, hindi na nagyayabang. E hindi naman ako nagyayabang e, sinasabi ko lang ang totoo. (Sabay kidlat, with matching paghaba ng ilong pa.)



Kagaya nito, kahit papaano, napasaya ko ang sarili ko habang nagsusulat nito. Nung una, ang sad ko, but now, may mga hirit na na jokes! I'm so great! (Kitams, joke un!)



Pero syempre, pag-uwi ko sa apartment, paghiga ko sa bed, back to normal na naman ako. Sad. Sorrowful. Lonely. Not happy. Makapunta nga sa Word at makahanap ng synonyms.



Anyway, ano bang sense nitong pagblo-blog ko. Ilang percent lang ba ng aking friends ang nagbabasa nito? Minsan nga naiinggit ako kay Chiyo, kasi ang daming nagcocomment sa blogs nya. Ako, nasan ang mga friends ko? Huhuhu.



Ay sus, sasabihin ng mga students ko diyan. Si Sir, nagtampururot na naman. Mabatukan nga. Syempre, Sir, andito lang kami, walang iwanan forever! (For sure may mag-cocopy and paste nito at ipopost as comment. Pero un nga, sino lang ba ang mga makakabasa nito? Wala din...



Makabili na nga ng fone. Kaso gabi na pala. 1am FYI.



Wala akong maisip na title for this blog. Hmmm ano kaya? Grabe talaga ano? Wala nang maisulat kaya tipong pati mga ganitong thoughts tina-type pa. Ano ba naman to... Gutom na ko. Sa pag-ibig? Sa laman? Gago.



Hayun "Suicidal Blog Entry" na lang title. Para kabahan kayo nang kaunti at basahin nga ang blog na ito. Pero totoo nga ung attempts ko. Masakit pala siya. At sabi nga ni Chiyo dapat blade daw ang gamitin ko at hindi knife. Mamaya, don't worry, bibili ako ng blade. Papakita ko sa iyo ung scar ko sa wrist. As a ghost! Hwahaha.

Friday, June 2, 2006

My AC/DC Shirt

This evening, I showed my dad the vintage shirts I took home for laundrying. He was doing this T-shirt printing job with someone, and they wanted to get some ideas.



I showed him this black vintage tee I have with the "AC/DC Back in Black" print on it. You probably have seen me wearing it. (Lately, I'm into wearing black tees... dunno why.) I was apprehensive about showing it to him because of that print. Anyway, he was commenting on it - being rubberized, how white looks good on black, etc. and then he asked me, "why do you wear this shirt?" with a funny and yet menacing expression on his face. "Do you know what "AC/DC" means?"



I got very nervous for I knew where we were heading. I said, "Isn't it a band?"



He said, "Yes, but do you know what wearing this shirt means?"



I mumbled, "Yeah... I know" in a very small voice.



"It's connected with batteries and electricity," he added. As if I didn't know. I almost shouted "Of course I know! I teach electronics, remember?" But I didn't answer. I was avoiding his eye.



"AC/DC also means being silahis," he finally said in his almost shouting voice. And when I saw his face, it's like he was enjoying the discomfort he was causing me. I've never seen that expression on him before. It's like he wanted to be mad at me, or... or humiliate me and question me. All I was able to say was, "Yes. I know..."



All along I thought my dad already knew. I'm pretty sure my mom knew about it already. Even if I've brought home Chiyo with me a few times before. My mom was probably hoping I'd turn out straight after all. Perhaps mom didn't tell dad because he knew he wouldn't take it well. Or perhaps dad was just goading me this evening.



It was very uncomfortable afterwards, being in the same room with my dad (we were in the living room). He was doing his work, and I was playing some music but I felt I needed to get out of there. I went out of the house. It was drizzling, but I went out anyway. I needed to buy some smokes because I left mine at the KNL apartment. I didn't mind the rain, as I walking on the streets of our sorta community. Nobody was out on the streets.



I came back and sat just outside the door, looking at Baby while smoking my sorrows away. I felt different then. It was one thing to let your friends know about it, but it's another when your very own dad knows. I thought I was fine with me being bisexual. I thought I've already accepted it. That's why I was surprised I still felt bad after what happened.



I sat outside for a longer while as mom was preparing dinner. I didn't want to be subjected to my dad's scrutiny right then. I almost cried while I was sitting there. I thought, "Yes, dad, I'm bi. That's why I broke up wuth her! That's why I was having problems with my relationships! Now come on, dad, laugh at me! Laugh at your bisexual son!"



When mom announced that dinner was ready, I came in being unnaturally polite to her. My mom was being too kind to me, too. Dad probably told her. They knew about how uncomfortable I was feeling.



Why is the world this way? Why won't it let accepting my sexuality easier for me?



You know what, reader, I have a confession... I am immersing myself now in the world of male homosexuality. And I found that... I don't like it as I thought I would. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am sexless, I think.



I don't like how people keep on looking for sex! You thought I was liberated? I am. But too much is too much. And I... I'm still not very okay with doing it with a man.



Perhaps, eventually I will learn to just like it...



The thing why I can't let hunter go is that he's the only man I think I can love. Weird. Or perhaps, it is just too early to tell. Perhaps I haven't met the right people yet.



Tonight, if I could get hold of some beer, I will drink. I want to escape from these identity problems even for just a few minutes please? Please let me be... happy about myself, even for a while.



Now, where's that beer?