Sundo

The 27th of April. It was a quarter to nine when I arrived at the MRT Quezon Avenue station. Just in time, I thought. In times like these, when I was supposed to meet my baby somewhere, I have to be there early. I have to show up because I don't have a fone.

There were a lot of people hanging around, and the area where I used to wait for him was occupied. I remembered the second time we met - our first date. It was October 1. Last year. I was wearing my Simple Plan shirt and khaki shorts. I was so nervous, then. The same feeling I had when meeting one-nights. So much has happened between us since (not to mention going beyond one-nights). And tomorrow will already be our sixth monthsary.

He wasn't there yet. Still early. And there was an awkward moment where I was looking around, finding the best place where to wait for him. I lingered in front of the food stalls. For something to do, I looked at the hotdogs, the fish balls, the empanadas and the yemas and pretended I was thinking of buying some.

In the end, I decided on buying some sago and gulaman drink. I was a bit thirsty anyway. The vendor was still busy with some customers when I went to her stall, and I wished she would take her time and not notice me right away. I was looking for excuses to stay there as long as possible since I had nothing to do.

My drink was finished sooner than I thought even if I drank it as slowly as I could. It was still a few minutes before 9. And I was still standing there in front of the stalls, folding my arms beneath my chest. Looking impatient and awkward at the same time. I wanted to smoke but I was unsure if that was allowed inside the station.

A couple of trains have arrived since I finished the drink but my baby was not in either of them. It was already a few minutes past nine. It wasn't normal for my baby to be late. At the most, I thought, he will be there by 9:30. I walked to a place where I can look down on the vehicles zooming past below to amuse myself.

There's something different about looking down on the cars, the buses of Manila's mighty Edsa. And I thought of the postcard pictures showing the lights of this certain city, with the roads marked by indistinct lines of light made by the cars' headlights. I even tried to predict how such a picture of the view I was looking at would look like. Every three minutes or so, a train would arrive (I can see them before they reach the station) and I would hopefully turn my back on that view to observe the alighting of the passengers, trying to catch every one of them as they cross the silver thingies where they insert their tickets. But my baby still wasn't there.

I returned to my waiting place, thinking while looking at the vehicles moving fast below me. The longer I stood there, the more apprehensive I became. I imagined that the security guards were looking at me suspiciously, wondering what I was doing. I imagined them telling me to go, especially after seeing a sign with "Bawal Umistambay" on it. I imagined the vendors secretly laughing and gossiping about me, about what I was doing there. While I had my back turned, I imagined someone pulling the back of my shirt and throwing me down the hi-way. I imagined falling off the station and wondering what my last thoughts will be before I hit the road or smash onto a car and die.

It wasn't like my baby to be this late. Once, last sem, when I used to wait for him at the Solair shed after his masterals every 7pm, we missed seeing each other. I was 5 minutes late, and his professor dismissed them early. I waited in the shed til 8pm, only to find out that he went straight to my apartment, and has already left when I returned.

While I was considering the possibility that I might have missed him - that because I wasn't in my usual waiting area, that maybe he didn't see me - someone approached me. He was a middle-aged man wearing a cap. He didn't talk to me. He simply stood there, waiting beside me. He pulled out his fone and pretended to text or something.

I wasn't as clueless as some guys about these things. "Shux", I thought. "Where's my baby? Pinipick-up na ako." I looked at the guy sideways, and saw that he wasn't my type. He's too old, for one thing, and his belly bulged a bit. And I wasn't there to be picked up in the first place. To show him that I wasn't there waiting to be paid for sex, I ostentatiously looked at my watch and pointedly looked at the passengers.

After ten minutes or so, with him trying to call my attention discreetly and me ignoring him, he finally left. It was already an hour since I came there, and I was starting to have the bored and hopeless look of a person waiting for someone who will never arrive. I was seriously considering leaving the station, thinking that my baby might have taken the bus instead.

From repeatedly looking at the passengers on their way out, I've noticed that it takes a surprisingly short time for such a large number of people to get out of the station. In fact, they were almost running. A few do move towards the food stalls for a bite, but most have the determined look of people with a purpose. People with their destination clear in their minds and have no other intentions but to get there as soon as they can.

I thought that most of them might be going home, their families waiting for them. Some might be going out on gimmicks, their friends waiting for them. Some might be on their way to their call center work, foreigners on the line waiting for them. And some of them, might just be like the guy who tried to pick me up, waiting to feel affection. Waiting to come across someone to love and who will love them back in this train station, one of the few places where a large number of unrelated people mingle. For a short time at least.

From looking at the hundreds of passengers passing through, I also realized that there really are a lot of people in the Philippines. In Manila particularly. That even if I streaked right there, no one will know who I am. And I thought of how small I am. How insignificant I appear. I was trying to touch as many lives as I can through my teaching. Trying to make a difference in this world, but there are just too many people... It was frustrating.

I looked at the other waiting area where I used to wait just to check if my baby was there, and I was surprised to see that there were still a handful of people waiting. "Looking for hookups," I smiled inwardly.

It was now 10pm and I was wondering if it was already closing time. The vendors and some of the security guards were packing up. More than an hour waiting, and my baby still wasn't there. "One last train and I will leave", I thought. "He's probably waiting at the apartment."

Waiting is an exhausting task, true, especially if you don't have a fone, but I felt that there was something quite symbolic about that whole waiting scene. That in a way which I cannot fully describe, there's a correlation between me standing there patiently waiting for my baby, and relationships in general. I was about to grasp that something when the last train arrived and poured out its passengers.

Finally, there was my baby, looking around the place in that cute manner of his, and spotting me, standing on the side, my arms crossed and tapping my foot. I looked at my watch and he smiled apologetically as he approached me.

"Anong oras na?," I asked in a mock-angry tone.

"10pm," he answered still smiling.

And I knew, right then, that it didn't matter how long I waited. Because in the end, my baby is still there. That in the end, we are in love. We have each other. And that two hours later, we will be celebrating our half-a-year together in this relationship.

And I also realized that it was foolish of me to worry that I might have missed him, because he will also be looking for me. If I failed to catch him, he'll still be there to catch me.

I couldn't help but smile as we went down the stairs together. The waiting is over.

On Fire

Sometimes there are times when I feel so high. Times when listening to "Forca" makes me raise my arms, and say "Hey, I'm alive! Com uma forca!" Times when I feel like doing an Oble pose, opening my arms to the electric light in the apartment living room, my eyes closed, and simply feeling happy, enjoying the moment. Enjoying these positive emotions crashing through my heart and body.

It just amazes me that, hey, I'm finally experiencing real happiness here. That, hey, you know the old Bry, the old emotional maniac who's filling your email with notices of entries close to suicidal madness? Well, he's gone. I don't know where he went to. The new Bry here, is, you know, he's just so alive. He's like clapping his hands and jumping and typing like he's never known how to be really happy before.

Things are just so going well for me at the moment. For one, I have this really great job. I'm gaining lots of new friends. I get to share a lot of things to my students. I don't just teach Chem. I teach them about Life and Love. I teach them about Thoughts and Emotions. Like how the saying goes, "We teach more by who we are than by what we teach."

Sometimes, it just crashes into me like crazy, like hey, so what if I don't have a high-paying job? So what if I can't go abroad just yet? Do you experience what I'm feeling right now? Like have you ever been in this state? It's like, look at me, teaching is my passion. I like to teach. I see the nobility in my job. I see it's higher purpose. How about you? Is there any point in trying to sell items, or working in the lab doing routine work?

It's like, hey, I'm having fun teaching you know. I like to interact with my students. I get through them. In just a few meetings, we can become friends. As in real friends. Not just the polite thing that most students and teachers do. When I say close, I mean close like we share our deepest feelings. There's absolutely no barrier. We can cry, in the presence of each other, and we will not feel uncomfortable. Can you imagine doing that to someone you've only met for a week?

And that's not it you know. It's not only me who's enjoying teaching. My students like me back. They miss me. They appreciate what I do. They cherish the friendship we've developed. They don't want it to end, and what's more they remember me. I'll never be that "sino nga ba yun?" teacher. It's just so warming to feel that the people you care about also cares about you? Have you ever experienced that?

It's just like, you know, amazing, that I am able to experience this kind of life. That I've never thought that my adult life will be so fulfilling. I just feel so lucky to have the perfect job. The job which is right for me. A job where, aside from letting me do what I like to do. Aside from giving me room for my creativity, it gives me the chance to touch other student's lives. It's like, hey, I'm affecting lives here you know. I'm instilling happy memories into these students. What more can you ask for in a job?

I mean, in the end, who cares about that goddam salary? I'm happy with my own. I'm happy because the friendship I get in return from teaching is worth than any amount of money you can offer me. I'm gaining trust, love, friendship, and acceptance. I'm gaining laughter, tears, smiles, and memories. What more can I ask for in a job?

I was going to talk about more... About how things are going so well between me and my baby these days. Pero sa amin na lang muna yun! Hihihihihi!

Yun lang, I'm just happy. High. And I'm shouting because I've never been in this state before. Like the person you love, loves you back? Like gaining friends? Like having fun? Like having internal peace? Like being yourself and not caring about what others say?

Top of the world, is that you?

Hahahaha! Woooohooooooo!!! I love you all!

:)

Prophecy

My Friendster horoscope for the day: "You have to let yourself let go of someone -- and let go of your disillusionment."

If this piece of random advice was referring to O (whose pic I still had to include for this summer album's cover), then it is totally inaccurate because I already had let go of him. (Gosh, I still couldn't quite believe it.) Some nights ago, while I was restlessly tossing and turning on my bed being my nocturnal self, I had this blog idea which was supposed to start like this:

So, you think you have moved on from me? What recklessly madeup mindset makes you say that? You cannot deny the extent of my power over you - that even a pale memory, my mere shadow, alpha, already confuses your mind and heart. What makes you say that this will be any different with your past relationship? I've destroyed you and her, I can do that again with you and him.

...or something a bit more intense than that. You see, I've completely lost the thread of that supposed entry, so much so that the few thoughts I was able to recall now seem pale and insincere... It's hard for me to write about stuff which I am not really feeling at the moment.

But why did I still nourish that idea when I've already said that O was gone? My honest answer to that is - I'm testing myself. In fact, if he suddenly showed his pretty face here and a "not-so-wholesome" offer hung in the air, I think I might refuse. I will refuse. He might be drop dead hot true, but I don't want to do... that with a jerk! (cringes)

Anyway, I was about to talk about a prophecy about me. A prophecy I made for myself about six years ago when I was still a high school senior. It was in my Values Ed class. My teacher, Miss Nabong (whose surname by the way, is the same as my middle name, although we aren't blood-related... let's just say that it adds mystery to the prophecy)  asked us to write a "book" about our lives, starting from our birth to our magnificently planned deaths. Back then, I couldn't quite see the academic point of the whole thing, but I had to do it because I cannot question her actions (it was high school ya know), but I think she was just eager for gossip.

The way I wrote my past was more or less accurate because I asked my mom questions. I even included something which happened before I was born. A weird thing - that I cried while I was still inside my mother's womb. It happened in November, a few days before I was born, so that supports the idea that my vocal chords were already developed at the time. My parents, egged on by my grandmas, being more of the superstitious sort than the scientific, believed that it may have been caused by their previous visit in the cemetery. That perhaps a malignant spirit was hurting their baby - hurting me.

But last year, I've read in "One Hundred Years of Solitude" that crying in the womb is a sure sign of an incapacity to love. When I read that part, my hair (my body hair at least) stood on end. It was really weird because it went shockingly near the truth about me. And right now, I still can't say for sure whether the book was wrong or not about me. (My baby might just disagree a bit. Hihihi!)

Moving on, I got most of the things about my future wrong. Like in there, I said that I wasn't going to UP for college, (because while I was writing, I was mistakenly told that I failed the UPCAT) and that the course I took was Chemical Engineering. I was vague about my adult life, because my imaginative brain wasn't as creative as it is now. But something else stuck to mind about what I wrote after all these years - that the person I am going to spend the rest of my lifetime with will have a name which starts with the letter (gasp) D!

Doubts and sneers suddenly appear on your face. How did I choose that letter? I took a paperback novel and opened it in the middle. The page number I saw must have contained a 4, which will correspond to the letter D. Though at that time, I was not as gay as I am right now, and I mentally sifted through a list of people I know, especially my female classmates whose name begins with that letter, and I landed on possibly marrying my close friend, Diana. The idea didn't repulse me, but it didn't excite me either. Way back then, it seemed a bit unlikely because I was still heavy on someone else (a different girl).

Well, the catch of this whole thing is, that my boyfriend's name starts with D. Which is at the least... quite sweet. Hihihi!

But it's not like I actively made my prophecy come true. I met my baby in a virtual place (for people like us), and his codename there isn't his real name. And when he did tell me his real name, the prophecy was not in my mind so I wasn't attacked by sudden intakes of breath and oh-my-gulays. Actually, I only remembered it last February, on the bus while I was taking him home.

I can still remember that afternoon when I told him. We had some tiny misunderstandings on that trip. I was silent, and he was urging me to talk but I didn't feel like it so I kept silent. And then suddenly, the prophecy flashed in my mind, and when I told him about it some minutes later, my voice was deeper than usual because I was in earnest. It was really weird to recall it in such a time! And I can remember him looking a bit afraid when I turned to face him because perhaps, he thought, I will be saying something angry. I was that serious-looking.

He was understandably doubtful, but I have my proof. The book of my life (I named it "D. I.") ---> Hey can this also stand for Dusk at Red Island? What a mystical life!!! The book still exists and I can show it to you to prove that I am not lying. Or perhaps you can ask Joy Flores, I let her read it two years ago.

But this entry still isn't over. The catch of the catch is...

...

O's real name also starts with D.

(Gasp!)

The question is: Which do you believe the prophecy pertains to?

***

P.S.

I like this entry because as it talks about magical stuff like prophecies, even beginning with a horoscope, the entry itself has magic. It surprises.

But you will not be surprised if you don't even know who O used to be. Too bad.

And about babies crying inside wombs, I did some research and found out that babies can make noises while still unborn, though it isn't exactly the same with our general concept of "crying".

The Kill

I know what you're doing so don't take me for a fool. Just because I deflect all your shots, it doesn't mean that I don't feel them. Don't try me. Don't show me that you like me. I've told you to go away, so go. Just go.

I will not let myself be the victim of you and your friends' "sport". You think I'm insensitive? I'm not. You want to see how far you can go? How far I can tolerate your moves? Are you waiting to be tripped to my bed? Well then, trip yourself, because I will not make a move. I'm giving you permission for that.

And how about you? You're not helping either. I know you're aware, and it's my fault I've let you become aware. But why act the way you do? You've got a long way to go to understand these things - you're still a boy. Inside and out. I'm sorry to say it because most may not like it on others, but it's what makes you attractive. And you already know that.

And what about you? I've told you I have my needs, and if you're not filling them up... If you don't want to fill them up... How much longer do you think I can take it? In other circumstances, I would have been more patient but you're not even trying. And you say you can't even explain why? Or maybe you're just skirting away from the truth because you're afraid of hurting me?

It's been so long. I've told you that. And I wasn't kidding then. And I'm not kidding now. It's what makes it harder for me whenever you're away. I have my fucking needs dammit! And you're giving me permission to look for it in other places? You think I was pleased to hear that from you?

Look, I don't want to be angry. I just have to let this out. Because I'm nearing the edge. I'm almost desperate. You told me to take it easy. You want me to be happy as much as possible. You told me not to think too much. And I let you because I want to please you.

Sometimes we need to talk about it you know. To end it. To clarify things. To help me understand you're coldness. You can't avoid issues for long because sooner or later it will come back and will cause us worse consequences.

You already know my insecurities. My defects. Maybe it's time to look into yours. For you to learn to admit that you're not perfect either. This is a two-way process you know.

Now back to you. You say you want to be tripped? Be careful what you wish for because I might just deliberately misunderstand what you want from me. You don't want to wake up in that state.

Mood swings.

I Love You

Gabi. Sa kuwarto ko sa apartment.

D: Bry, dahan-dahan lang...

Bry: Paano? Ganito? (does something)

D: Hindi eh...

Bry: Ganito? (does it again)

D: Hindi pa din

Bry: Hehe, baby, gentle ba ako?

D: Hindi. Binubugbog mo nga ako eh...

(Fiona Apple's "Across the Universe" was playing on the background.)

Bry: Aah dapat ba sasabayan ko yung song?

D: (nods)

Bry: (does it yet again) Yun ba, baby? Slow na ba yun?

D: Haay hindi pa din

Bry: Hehehe. Ano bang song ang ginagawa ko? "Somewhere I Belong"?

D: (laughs)

Bry: "Forca"?

D: Oo. (laughs)

Bry: Hmm baby! (does it again)

D: Hindi pa din gentle yun eh! Slow lang kasi Bry...

Bry: As in slow? Baka makatulog na ako nun eh... (does it for the nth time)

D: Hindi pa din

Bry: Hindi na naman ako nagpapaka-gentle eh. Mamaya na yun! Warmup muna.

D: (smiles)

***

Kinabukasan. Takip-silim. Magkatabi sa bus.

Bry: (whispers excitedly) Ang gwapo nung naka-black sa kanan!

D: (turns to look) Oo nga. Oy, looking at those his own age na din. Hindi na cradle-snatcher...

Bry: (ewan ko sa iyo...)

Bumaba na ang katabi ni black shirt guy.

D: Uy lipat tayo...

Bry: (considers a bit, but...) Nge!

Santolan-Annapolis.

D: Mamimiss kita... (watery eyes)

Bry: ... (smiles but looks away, doesn't quite believe what he's heard, emotions astir but calm outside)

Ortigas. Malapit nang bumaba.

Bry: (puts hands on his side near D)

D: (holds hands with Bry)

Bry: (squeezes D's hand but looks outside)

D: (squeezes back)

Konduktor: O yung mga wala pang tiket dyan...

Bry: (nagbayad na kami 'no?)

Konduktor: (nangungulit)

Pagbaba ng bus...

Bry: Nakita ba tayo? (about them holding hands)

D: Oo. Ang dami nga eh...

Bry: Talaga? (laughs)

Boni. Sa Jollibee.

D: Paano mo ako icocontact? Wala kasing YM sa office...

Bry: Friendster?

D: Wala din. Email na lang...

Bry: Anong email?

D: Yung yahoo... ************ at yahoo...

Bry: Ok. (a bit surprised at this pleasant change)

Pagkatapos mag-hapunan. Nasa gilid ng Edsa. Maghihiwalay na ng landas.

Bry: ... Babye

D: Ingat (sincerely)

Bry: (flushes, thinking of what to say...) Ikaw din... (awkwardly)

D: (i love you)

Bry: (i love you, too)

Uuwi na pareho.

-END-

Music Update: Plans for the New Album "Forca" in Full Force

13 April 2007
Grand Dizontech Hotel
KNL Heights, Manila

The still-alive-and-kicking Electrique Recording Company has just unveiled its plans for this summer's greatest hits album, "Forca", which (if sufficient funds will allow) will be released this May as a farewell treat for Aldasiel Alchemy & Potions School's summer students as well as for its graduates.

Planned after "Lovely", the album will include fan favorites from the three albums released for AY 2006-2007: "Break", "On the Horizon", and "Light". But Mr. de la Isla, the ever-mahilig-sa-pauso President of Electrique says that this time, others will have the final say in the final lineup of the songs.

"It is only fair," he announced in the post party after the "Light" concert, "that those who have copies should have their opinions heard. I've already sent them Friendster messages asking for their votes and I'm very eager to hear from them."

In another press conference held kanina lang in KNL Heights, representatives from MTV asked Mr. de la Isla for hints about what "Forca" will be like, and how it will compare with last year's very successful "Lovely."

"I'm planning to make it even better than "Light" or "Lovely" ", he says amidst maniacal cheering from the media. "I've tried in vain to choose the songs myself, but the songs from the three albums are just too good. That's one of the reasons why I have to ask other listeners to help me."

Poll results will be publicly shown in a special space at the end of this entry, and fans are encouraged to take a look at how the vote is going every 5 minutes or so.

Critics from all over the universe have said that this summer's album trio was better than last year's. Will that have a significant effect on the content of "Forca"?

"Obviously," the president replied, "Better songs will make a better album. This album will be as alive as "Lovely" was sad, but the difficult thing is how to arrange the songs effectively. "Break" is somewhat the opposite of "Light", so there might be alternating songs between these two in the album. Indeed, it will be quite challenging to unite chosen songs from the three musically-varied albums."

A crazy Britney Spears fan asked Mr. de la Isla if her idol will make a contribution for the new album.

"I have her on the list," Mr. de la Isla replied. "But we still aren't sure if she will make it through the coming weeks of song selection. But I'm quite certain there will be songs from newly-enlisted artists Akon and Maria Mena." Wild howlings from respective fans followed this apocalyptic announcement.

More avid Electrique fans clogged the prestigious and pristine streets of KNL Heights in order to harangue Mr. de la Isla with questions about the album and his love life. Hunky, sexy, and very good-looking soldiers from Aldasiel's Army tried to cut a way for him out of the Grand Dizontech Hotel where the press conference was held, but he simply disapparated with the words, "Com uma Forca!"

At this seemingly magical incantation, media people suddenly stomped, gnashed their teeth, and tore each other's hair since they forgot to ask about the origin of the title. The remaining soldiers from Aldasiel's Army, however, resumed their flirting with each other.Why the album is to be called "Forca" will remain a mystery until its scheduled release next month.

After his disapparition, cute and well-curved psychologists (also from Aldasiel's Army) quickly arrived at the scene to inquire about Mr. de la Isla's current mental state. When asked for their medical results, the doctors simply shrugged and said that everyone has to wait until Mr. de la Isla's 23rd birthday, when his chances of developing schizophrenia will finally be nulled. (RIOTERS)

POLL RESULTS

BREAK: waah nakalimutan na yata ako ng mga studes kong ito... :(
Across the Universe - 5
White Flag - 2
My Immortal - 5
Let Me Go - 6
Salamat - 1
Linger - 6
Trouble Sleeping - 5
I Think God Can Explain - 3
Creep - 2
Vindicated - 3
Only Time - 2
Taning - 5
Somewhere I Belong - 1
It's You - 1
End Of Me - 2
Larong Kalye - 1

LIGHT: dami nang votes!
You And I Both - 10
I'm Moving On - 8
Somewhere Only We Know - 7
Feels Like Home - 4
Bitch - 9
On the Way Down - 8
Satellite - 8
New Deep - 7
Please Remember - 3
4 In the Morning - 9
You Can't Hurry Love - 8
Now I Can Dance - 8
Naked - 5
Sunshine - 2
Those Sweet Words - 4
Afraid - 1
Free to Decide - 1

Who has voted?
Abel, Maki, RD, Nissa, Charlene, Deone, Ivy, Matthew, Ayel, Nicholas Ian, Fatima, Davie P., Darell, Baby, Jenny, Bex, Doreen, Haziel, Ry. Sir Bry (worth 3 votes :p), Katrina, Marie Joy, Brenda, Mela, Em, Ugi, Nevin, Diegs, Dexter P., Mark P., Milan, Jerome

Thirsty

I am assaulted with temptations left and right, but I'm holding on to you.

I am being plagued with dreams I'd rather not have, but I'm holding on to you.

I am induced to be involved in emotional tangles, but I'm holding on to you.

I am haunted by memories of ghosts of the past, but I'm holding on to you.

I am constantly devoured by doubts whether you're missing me or not, but I'm holding on to you.

I am experiencing bouts of baseless fear and uncertainty, but I'm holding on to you.

I am blue from not being able to communicate with you, but I'm holding on to you.

It would have been so easy
To find solace in somebody else's comforting arms when I'm missing you the most...

It would have made me feel much better
If I can forget missing you by immersing myself in my work but I can't...

It would have helped ease my loneliness
If I can fool myself with flings and one night's...

It's been so long
Since I've held you in my arms

It's been so long...
Baby...
Since you kissed me

And I know
That I wouldn't have felt all these unpleasantness
If you were here with me

I wouldn't have felt all these
If you can accept me for who and what I really am

I wouldn't have felt all these
If only I was sure

That you love me as much as I love you

...

But baby...
Even if that was so...

It's okay...
It will always be okay

Because we both know
That I'm the one who needs to hold on to you

Electrique Anthology

Tracklist Legend:
Red - Song of the album
Green - Personal favorites
Blue - Significant songs

ELEVEN
Release Date: October 11, 2005
Working Title: Six Feet Under
Copies Made: 2
History: This was supposed to be for O, but he didn't show up where I was supposed to meet him so I gave this to another instead.
Why "Eleven"?: 11 tracks, given on the 11th of October, and his class number was 11

Tracklist:
01 Avril Lavigne - How Does It Feel
02 Plumb - Boys Don't Cry
03 6 Cycle Mind - Sige
04 Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle
05 Marion Raven - Six Feet Under
06 The Corrs - What Can I Do
07 Session Road - Suntok Sa Buwan
08 Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had
09 Simple Plan - When I'm With You
10 Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces
11 Sugarfree - Kuwarto

About the songs: Too sad and unformed. Musically varied. Some songs shouldn't have been included, but all in all, still manages to capture the feel of hopeless love.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

BACK FOR MORE
Release Date: November 2005
Working Title: Wheat Field
Copies Made: 15
History: A gift for my closest class on my first sem of teaching. Aside from songs for my students, this also includes songs about me, O, Y, and about the three of us.
Why "Back For More"?: From a track of the same name. The song says, "When you think the party's over/ Look over your shoulder/ I'm at your door/ Coming back for more." So what I really wanted to say with this album was that I will not really go unless they'll forget about me first.

Tracklist:
01 Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away
02 Frente - Bizarre Love Triangle
03 Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand)
04 Hale - Broken Sonnet
05 Linkin Park - My December
06 Simple Plan - Everytime
07 Michelle Branch - One Of These Days
08 Gabrielle - Out Of Reach
09 Lifehouse - Blind
10 Gwen Stefani - Luxurious
11 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
12 Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye
13 Plumb - Taken
14 The Cranberries - Dreaming My Dreams
15 A Teens - Back For More
16 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
17 Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
18 Bonnie Bailey - Ever After
19 Alanis Morissette - You Learn

About the songs: Still musically immature. Lacks overall cohesiveness, except for the first 9 tracks which flow perfectly from one to the next. Heart-rending. The last track, though well-meaning, seems ill-fitted after following a dance track.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

TIME OF MY LIFE
Release Date: March 2006
Working Title: Toy's Story
Copies Made: 75

History: Covers the period from when O "left" me to my relationship with Y, as well as the trials we had to go through because of my twisted sexuality.
Why "Time Of My Life"?: From Oasis' "Don't Go Away" which says, "So don't go away/ Say what to say/ Say that you'll stay/ Forever and a day/ In the time of my life/ 'Cause I need more time/ Yes I need more time/ Just to make things right." No other song in the album could have put the theme better than that.

Tracklist:
01 Gorillaz - November Has Come
02 Bachelor Girl - Buses And Trains
03 Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing
04 Backstreet Boys - I Still
05 Imago - Akap
06 Radioactive Sago Project - Alcohol
07 Sugababes - Obsession
08 Natalie Imbruglia - Intuition
09 Simple Plan - My Alien
10 Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
11 Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
12 Alanis Morissette - Simple Together
13 Marion Raven - Little By Little (not included in earlier copies)
14 Lifehouse - Chapter One
15 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
16 Oasis - Don't Go Away
17 The Cranberries - I'm Still Remembering
18 Eraserheads - Minsan
19 Kamikazee - Narda
20 The Beatles - In My Life (hidden track)

About the songs: Too varied. The arrangement of the songs made the whole album sound fragmented into three parts. Individually, most of the songs are good. The introductory songs are particularly boring, although with better arrangement, they could have stood out well.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5

LOVELY
Release Date: May 2006
Working Title: Lovely
Copies Made: 45
History: My first greatest hits album which includes choice tracks from the earlier three as well as 8 new tracks.
Why "Lovely"?: "Lovely" was the name given by my "Back For More" students when I used to make kwento about Y and me's relationship, and what better title to name my album than to use that, since essentially, the past two semesters centered around her and her love. However, the exact release date was a few days after we broke up, and it was too late to cancel the album.

Tracklist:
01 The Cranberries - Daffodil Lament
02 Switchfoot - You
03 Kelly Clarkson - Beautiful Disaster
04 Madonna - I Deserve It
05 Lifehouse - Blind
06 Marion Raven - Six Feet Under
07 Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest
08 Gin Blossoms - As Long As It Matters
09 Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle
10 Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You
11 Imago - Akap
12 Oasis - Don't Go Away
13 The Beatles - In My Life
14 Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had
15 No Doubt - Running
16 Coldplay - X & Y
17 Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
18 After Image - Tag-Ulan

About the songs: Very well-chosen for the album. An amazing success compared with the previous one. Unified both musically and lyrically due to flawless arrangement. Track 1 sets the theme really well, and sets the way for the emotional ride of the following tracks. The downside is, the majority of the songs are sad to weeping, so by the middle of the album, the listener might already feel choked with emotion.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5

BREAK
Release Date: October 2006
Working Titles: The End Of Illusions, Breakaway
Copies Made: 75

History: This is my breaking out album. Released from my previous relationship, and having some tangles about it, I've gone "out" to the world to discover who I really am. The album describes the saddest period in my life - alone, and still no answers... yet.
Why "Break"?: To breakaway from who Ithought I should have been. In Track 3, Linkin Park says, "I will never know myself until I do this on my own/ And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed/ I will never be anything til I break away from me/ I will break away/ I'll find myself today."

Tracklist:
01 Kylie Minogue - Confide In Me
02 Marion Raven - End Of Me
03 Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
04 3 Doors Down - Let Me Go
05 The Cranberries - Linger
06 Imago - Taning
07 Evanescence - My Immortal
08 Radiohead - Creep
09 Dido - White Flag
10 Splender - I Think God Can Explain
11 Fiona Apple - Across The Universe
12 Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
13 Corinne Bailey Rae - Trouble Sleeping
14 Ang Bandang Shirley - Larong Kalye
15 Michelle Branch - It's You
16 Enya - Only Time
17 The Dawn - Salamat
18 Madonna - Dear Jessie

About the songs: Rock-heavy and full of bitterness and shouts, and in some cases, light-headedness. Personally my deepest album since the songs focus on who I was at the time. Great arrangement of songs, though creaky in some areas. Very nice introduction and ending songs. However, the album is not very listener-friendly because of the angsty theme which most cannot relate to.

Rating: 4 out of 5

ON THE HORIZON
Release Date: October 27, 2006
Working Titles: Try, Sugarbabylove
Copies Made: 2
History: This was my birthday gift to my baby. At that time, I was still "courting" him. A few days after, just before his real birthday, kami na! All the songs here were about us, or rather, about my feelings for him.
Why "On The Horizon"?: From a song of the same title which says, "All I see is love/ Sweet love/ On the horizon/ Oh yeah/ Just one look in your deep brown eyes/ And baby I'm flying."

Tracklist:
01 Keane - Everybody's Changing
02 911 - All I Want Is You
03 D'Sound - Do I Need A Reason
04 Lifehouse - Hanging By A Moment
05 Lisa Loeb - Truthfully
06 Mojofly - Sa Uulitin
07 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
08 Jewel - Fragile Heart
09 Nelly Furtado - Try
10 Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
11 The Corrs - Make You Mine
12 Coldplay - Swallowed In The Sea
13 Avril Lavigne - Things I'll Never Say
14 Evan & Jaron - The Distance
15 Melanie C - On The Horizon
16 Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
17 Lifehouse - You Belong To Me
18 Ne-Yo - Sexy Love
19 Sarah McLachlan - The Rainbow Connection
20 Imago - Ewan

About the songs: Has this certain commercial feel. Lacks originality. Too generic despite good songs and good arrangement. Good for listening everyday, unlike the previous album. Nice but forgettable except for a few of the songs.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

LIGHT
Release Date: March 2007
Working Title: A Memory Of Light
Copies Made: 60
History: My first feel-good album. This covers my relationship with my baby, as well as my freedom in being who I am. As the back cover says: Love. Freedom. Light.
Why "Light"?: Describes the overall feel of the album, aside from the word itself being mentioned in a number of the songs.

Tracklist:
01 Rascal Flatts - I'm Moving On
02 Nelly Furtado feat. Attitude - Afraid
03 The Cranberries - Free To Decide
04 John Mayer - New Deep
05 Dixie Chicks - You Can't Hurry Love
06 Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down
07 Natalie Imbruglia - Satellite
08 Norah Jones - Those Sweet Words
09 Bob Marley feat. Lauryn Hill - Turn Your Lights Down Low
10 Avril Lavigne - Naked
11 Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning
12 Gabrielle - Sunshine
13 Jason Mraz - You And I Both
14 Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
15 Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
16 Le Ann Rimes - Please Remember
17 Mariah Carey feat. trey Lorenz - I'll Be There
18 Meredith Brooks - Bitch
19 Tina Arena - Now I Can Dance

About the songs: Pivotal compared with all the others. Easy to listen to. Even funny, in some cases. Gives you the feeling that everything is going well because the songs are so soft. Every song here is significantly chosen. Has the best ending song among all of my albums.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5

Don't

I had a dream about you.

I dreamt that we were in Philcoa (of all places), and that vaguely, in the manner of dreams, we were supposed to be together on this long trip somewhere. But first, we need to go back to UP. Together.

And as we were walking, to where the jeepneys are, I kept on bumping into you. Our hands kept brushing each other. We were smiling, laughing, walking so close to each other. I couldn't quite hold your hand though I know you'd let me since so far, in the dream, you were tolerating my shy advances. And when you did hold my hand, finally, although in dreams you can't quite take note of the time, I felt... predictably blissful.

I couldn't quite take my eyes off you, sitting beside you in the jeepney. I couldn't quite believe it. You right there, beside me, holding me, the other people in the jeepney beaming at us, sharing in our happiness.

Then, we were walking on the middle of the suddenly carless Acad Oval. My Chemsoc friends were there on the road, and I said hi to them. Strangely, they were smiling at us, too, as if just seeing us together already contributes to their own happiness, even if they don't really know you personally. We were just happy, walking by. Almost skipping, our hands enclosed in each other's. Happy that they can see us be ourselves. Happy that they can see that we belong to each other.

Then we came to the place just outside our tambayan. It was there that I hugged you. It was there that I got the feeling that there was a chance that things will be going beyong mere hugging and holding hands. I proposed that we go to the apartment first before proceeding to that vague trip to somewhere. I lost myself in your hug. I felt you kissing my neck. I felt... other things.

But I had to pick something up in the tambayan first. Something I can't recall now, and when I looked back to where I left you, you were gone. I called your name. Surely, you will not go yet. I was lightning-quick. We still needed to go back to my apartment. I called your name. But you were nowhere. You were gone. And I woke up.

I tried to sleep again. To dream about you again. I thought about you furiously, in hopes of continuing the dream where it was cut off. But my next dreams were useless - a bomb scare in the LRT, trying to get dressed in a public area, looking for a lost shoe. You were not there with me in the LRT. You were not there to cover my nakedness in that busy street. You were not the one to hand me back my lost footwear.

And it was better that way. It is better this way. LE says that lasting love is made from 50% feelings and 50% commitment. And I believe her.

Don't look at me with that smile
Don't act like everything's fine
Stop putting dreams in my head
When I should've thought of him instead

Go away. You are not my baby.

***
Contains an excerpt from "Don't" by M2M
from the album The Big Room

Summaries, Conclusions, and Abstracts

About my students

I am not very pleased at some of my students who did not show during our supposed last bonding moments. It is sad to realize that no matter how dedicated you are to making them feel how much they matter to you, some just don't reciprocate. The bottomline is - I just do not matter to them enough for them to leave their comforts even if I've said it will be the last time we'll all be together.

But I am really happy with those who came: Ivy, Rai, Fatima, Clarisse, Gail, Tadz, Jay-ray, Mark, and Christian, my 28.1 studes; and AV and Nevin, my 16 MTh studes. They gave me the time and effort I was asking despite their hectic scheds and their exams. I consider these guys to be my real students because they've learned that friendship is way more important than exams, or being scolded at by your parents. Their love will always be accepted and cherished, and is infinitely worth more than those who I wasn't able to reach through. It's true what they say: you win some, you lose some.

About O

Amazing how our last conversation really concluded whatever I was feeling for him. Doreen was right - all I was looking for was a closure to the "emotional fiasco" he has brought upon me. I've already accepted that I acted the fool in prolonging what I was feeling for him, but I am not saying I was dumb because he was partially at fault too. If he but answered my previous attempts at contacting him, this would have ended sooner. The heart really is unreliable...

About alpha

My recent "date" with alpha somehow helped in the healing process. Some days ago, I had the chance to get to know him a bit more, and despite his physical similarities with O, their views about friendship were completely opposite. Alpha even mentioned that he could cry when watching animes dealing with that particular topic, while O, from his actions, completely didn't care. But it isn't like my past feelings for O will be completely transferred to this new person. Alpha helped me erase all traces of O from the "crush region" in my heart and strangely, by doing that, he erased himself as well.

Note: This previous paragraph will help identify who alpha is but I really don't care because it's not a big deal, and whatever it was, it's over. I'm sure that alpha, if he's reading this, is big enough to understand these things and will not feel uncomfortable at the least.

About my parents

I disappeared from Friendster for a time because I went home to my parents' at Las Piñas. I realized that the atmosphere in the house changes when I'm there - as if the master of the house is present and they are but servants! Haha... I was exaggerating. I've mentioned this before, but they really do take care of my needs during my brief stay there. And the meals! My Mom does know what I like to eat (no veggie stews, or fish.) Maybe they do miss me. My brother, however, still wishes me gone from there, not even keeping his voice low when he asks my parents when I'm going back to UP. But as he is "not right in the head", perhaps his thoughts doesn't really count.

About the new neighbor

During my brief stay there, I "discovered" this new hunky neighbor who was staying two houses over. It was a hot afternoon when I went out to our store to smoke, and just outside cleaning their family car was this teenage... mutant ninja turtle? (As my baby would say... Nyek!) This teenage buff. I've seen him before, mind, but I've never seen him topless (thank goodness it's summer) and I was, to say the least, very pleased at what... chiseled features my eyes landed on . My mom was perhaps a bit bewildered why I was sitting there at the store because I never went there while it's still hot. To my dismay, the eye candy shortly went back to the house and let his father do the rest of the work. Well, this really isn't very important, but it would add a bit of excitement during my few days of staying at my parents'.

About our relationship

It might be confusing to my readers, the way I freely talk about O, alpha, or even the neighbor (should I assign him a letter now?) as if I am not in a relationship. Don't I care about how my boyfriend will feel? Well, of course I do, but these are but trivial things for me. They are not important enough to be kept as secrets and I have the confidence that these will not affect our relationship. On the ride back here to KNL, I was thinking about us. True, I develop crushes every now and then but they are but crushes, and they are normal in relationships (don't be a hypocrite, you do look at people other than your mate.) What I need is someone deep, someone who can navigate my labyrinthine mind and heart like how my baby does, and my crushes almost always fall short in that area.

Now, this next is a rather deep confession: one of the things I enjoy most about courtship is the chase. LE told me that once I've made this person say yes to me, my feelings ebb off. That is often true, but luckily, with my baby, he has a way of making me feel that he is not within my hands even after all this time. At times, it's like I'm still chasing after him, in a way, and that, I think, is one of the key things which makes our relationship last, aside from the fact that I am now more knowledgeable and mature when it comes to relationships.

About Haziel May's comment on "F. A. Q."

Wow, I've never been called "seductive" before. I would just like to express my gratitude that she takes the time to analyze me because that is one of the primary reasons I'm writing in here - to get some feedback. Thanks to those who continue to read my blog, especially those who posts comments every now and then.