Ako Pa Din Si Sir

Hi! Hello! Ako pa din si Sir. Balita ko big-time ka na daw sa org mo ha? Ang galing mo naman. Although aminado akong hindi ko napansin na may ganyan ka palang talent noong nasa class pa kita. Ah... wait! Oo nga pala! Nag-absent ka pa pala sa class dahil sa org activity. Pero at least nagpaalam ka. Tungkol yata sa tarpaulin yun di ba?

Uy! Hello! Kamusta? Ako pa din si Sir. Mukhang di yata tayo nagpapansinan kapag nagkikita tayo ha? Pero naalala mo ba yung dati? Nung nasa class pa kita? Nung ginawa pa kitang spy para sa Second Task? Nakakatawa ano? Allergic ka pala sa hotdogs! Naaalala mo pa ba nung ikaw mismo ang nag-volunteer para doon? Nakakatawa ano?

Huy! Kamusta? Busy ka ba? Ako pa din si Sir. Parang hindi mo sinasagot ang mga emails ko ha? Galit ka ba? Pero naalala mo ba noon? Nung may Chem 16 ka pa? Unknown analysis, tapos kabang-kaba ka. Medyo natatawa nga ako sa iyo eh. Tapos gusto mo talagang siguraduhin yung anions mo kaya nagpaturo ka pa ng centrifuge kahit na pang-Chem 17 lang iyon. Naaalala mo pa ba yun? Yung sulfate, carbonate, at phosphate? Naaalala mo pa ba ang mga yun?

O, ikaw pala iyan! Kamusta ka na? Ako pa din si Sir. Talagang hindi mo sinasagot ang mga pangangamusta ko sa iyo ha? Mukhang nakalimutan mo na yata ako... Pero naalala mo pa noon? Yung dati pa? Nung teacher mo pa ako? Nung nag-bonding moment tayo sa class dahil ayaw niyo pang umuwi? Lahat noon nag-iyakan. Nag-share ng sad moments. Pero ikaw, yung sinabi mo, tungkol sa tatlong beses ka nang nakagat ng aso. Nagtawanan kami lahat. Naiisip mo pa ba ngayon na minsan, may nangyaring ganun?

Pssst! Ikaw! Oo, halika dito! Ako pa din si Sir. Mukhang sinungitan mo yata ako noong nag-YM tayo ha? Ano ba kasing kasalanan ko? Bakit kailangan mo pa akong saktan? Pero di bale, naalala mo pa ba yung dati? Yung Chem 16 class natin? Yung TFW2QR2 Ist Sem AY 05-06? Yung sa PH2206, 7 to 10am? Oo, yung teacher mo ako at student kita. Yung panahon na hindi pa komplikado ang lahat. Yung panahon na Gryffindor ka, at si Professor Snape ako. Yung panahon na hanggang doon lang ang lahat... Naaalala mo pa ba ang mga iyon?

Naaalala mo pa ba ako? Kung paano tayo magbiruan sa klase? Kung paano tayo mag-bonus questions sa quiz? Kung paano tayo mag-House Cup? Kung paano kayo mag-reporting? "Boy Abunda" ka pa nga di ba?

Naaalala mo pa ba ang lahat ng iyon? Nung last day na ng House Cup? Nung nanalo kayo? Nung binatukan mo pa si Xavier kasi akala mo mali sagot niya? Nung binigyan ko kayo ng pins, at siyempre, may "Gryffindor" yung sa iyo? Naaalala mo pa ba nung birthday mo? Kaya sinabihan mo pa akong mag-House colors na shirt para red ang suot mo?

Ikaw. Oo, ikaw. Naaalala mo pa ba noong napaiyak ako sa klase kasi last day na nating magkakasama? Natatandaan mo pa ba? Nang umiyak sina Zynka at MaiMai? Kilala mo pa ba sila? Kilala mo pa ba kami? Oo, ikaw nga. Ikaw ang kinakausap ko...

Ako pa din si Sir... Ako pa din si Sir. Oo, kasalanan ko kung bakit tayo nagkaganito ngayon. Pero kailangan mo bang kalimutan ang lahat? Hindi na ba pwedeng ibalik ang dati? Kahit alaala man lang... Kahit kaunti lang nang mga nangyari sa klase natin noon... Sana may matira sa isipan mo. Sa puso mo.

Naaalala mo pa ba ako? Oo, masama na akong kaibigan. Hindi tayo nagkaintindihan. Nasaktan kita. Nasaktan mo ako. Pero hindi lang naman iyon ang napagdaanan natin. Hindi natatapos doon ang pagkatao ko.

Hindi ka na kagaya nang dati. Hindi na ikaw ang Lui na nakilala ko... Kaya mo na akong barahin. Kaya mo na akong isantabi. Kaya mo na akong saktan nang walang pasubali. Pero kahit na ganun ka na, ako pa din si Sir. Hindi ako magbabago. Para sa mga naging students ko. Para sa iyo...

Ako pa din si Sir...

Ako pa din si Sir.

Boys, Boys

These boys, boys
They're not worth it
They have the emotional quotient of an ant

These boys, boys
They're not worth it
They can't see beyond what they're *****s can see

Oh yes, yes
Their boyish charms
Can sweep you off of your feet

Oh yes, sure
Those boyish smiles
Can make you fall head over heels

These boys, boys
What they're good for
Are for kissing in secluded corners

These boys, yes
What they do best
Are for fooling around on your bed

But no, no
Once you talk sense
They'll slide away like eels smeared with grease

And no, no
Once you get serious
Within a minute they will run away

So girls, ladies
What you gonna do?
Sit and wait for them til they grow up?

So guys, gays
What are we to do?
Wake up and go find real men?

Or wake up and go find real women?

Zero

I hate you! I hate it how you can still bother me when you're already gone. I hate how things around me keep pointing back to you. I hate it when you sneak into my dreams even if I never think of you. I hate it when I am reminded of my failures. I hate it when I am reminded of the fool I've made of myself almost two years ago. For nothing. I bared my heart for nothing! But was it really for nothing? No, I bared my heart to be hurt more!

I hate you! I hate you!!! I hate you because you make me act stupid. I hate you because you make me feel like I'm the lowest, ugliest, freakiest person in the world. Because you make me feel so damn low - that I believed I can have you when you see yourself as someone god-like! Too good-looking for his own ass! I hate you because you make me feel that I don't deserve you! I hate you! And I can't take it no more. No more! Because I'm so tired of this. NO MORE!!!

And I hate you more because I can't keep myself from hating you. I hate you more because I myself keep reminding me of you. I hate you because every guy I see, I compare to you. I hate you because you make me feel so helpless. Because you're like this hurricane sweeping me away and it's all I can do to hold on. It's all I can do, dammit! And you're not even here! You're not aware. Not even aware of how much damage you've done. So what does it say about me? Fuck it! I'm trying to move on! I'm trying to forget, and it should have been easy because there's really nothing to forget!

But that's what makes it harder - because to you, there's nothing to forget! But to me? To me???!!! What about me??!!! I'm a loser. I'm the biggest LOSER because I can't even forget a person as insignificant as you should have been! I'm a loser because here I am, trying to eradicate all traces of you out of my system and with one resemblance, with one picture, with one word I read from you, everything comes falling down and I'm back to square one.

But you know what, you self-centered motherfucking jerk? (I'm reduced to a state so low, all I can do is hate you) You know what - there's one person in this world I hate more than you.

Me.

M.

E.

ME!

Weak, foolish, stupid ME!

***

Go. I hope you can just disappear from my memory. All moments I had with you... Anything related to you. I want them gone. Gone. Null. Nothing. Non-existent. Make-believe. They're just dreams. You're a dream. Unreal. Zero.

I'm so tired of this... No more. No more please?

Someone...

***

Please save me

***

I just had to let this out of me... This too shall pass.

Please...

Save me

:'(

(God, I'm so ashamed of myself... but I just can't take it anymore. And who would care if I hurt right now, anyway? Who will symphatize with someone who's hurting because of his own stupidity. Who cares? Who really cares? Do you understand how it is? Do you understand what it's like to be me? You're not here... And I'm hurting. Stupid. Can't even stop myself from feeling hurt)

***

Remember what Orlando Bloom said: "Keep your eye on the horizon."

What's Real

Completely moving on from our past relationships is not an easy thing to do. I don't think that it's just me who experiences it - as always, I'm the only one vocal enough to have the initiative to talk about taboo stuff (especially when you're in a relationship). There will always be moments when you go around your "new" happily established life, feeling pure and carefree, and something unexpected will remind you of what was (or what could have been) a big part of your life.

For instance, this afternoon I was at National Bookstore, thinking of buying a book and stacked on one of the shelves were Nicholas Sparks' titles, and without thought, my eyes scanned for "The Notebook" which was O's favorite book, and I was reminded of those days when I was doing my "research" on him, and the time when I swore to myself that I would read that book just so I can find what makes it interesting for him. And in doing so, get to know him better.

And no, I'm not going to say "yuck" to myself, because at that time (no matter how foolish the whole thing appears now), I was obsessed with the person and I was simply doing what any normal person will do when in that state.

And no, I'm not going to be angry at him. I'm not going to call him a "jerk" because I believe that that is a weak way of trying to get over a person. When you let someone go, you have to let go with your whole heart - no bad feelings. During the early stages of "recovering", I was convincing myself to be angry, because at that time, that was the only way for me to step forward. But now, I believe that I am really learning to let go.

Speaking of O, I saw him again last week, and when our eyes met, I (still) wasn't completely unaffected as I thought I would be. What I felt was a certain mixture of sadness, anger, regret, and ummm, admiration (?) probably because:

1. I was reminded of the mess I made of our relationship. I can't shake the feeling that I bungled us!



2. Why is he so cool about it? As if he wasn't rude when we last talked? As if he didn't tell me to shut up because my "time's up"?!



3. If I didn't tell him about it, he'll probably say "Hi!" to me, and I'll be able to ask him how he is (though I'm not sure if that will exclude blushing.) We still could've been friends. (Aww...)



4. Last, he's still the best-looking guy I've ever met (and he's looking better) and I wasn't even able to shag (term courtesy of Doreen TM), much less kiss him! Aaaargh!

If you've been my Friendster friend ever since those days, and is an avid reader of this blog, it will come as no surprise that I am still talking about it. Only my best readers know how much I've invested in that guy, how much I was hurt in return, and they might even consider it a miracle that I am moving on.

Writing about it really helps. Letting it out, may it be through this blog, or by freely talking about it in class, or discussing it with my friends, helps in my healing process. What I'm actually worried about is that I'm actually running out of things to let out. (Laughter)

Perhaps the best thing to let go of someone is to believe that you not being able to hook up with that person, or you not being able to make your relationship last, is probably for the best. I can't make myself angry with him, no matter what he did to me, but what I can do instead is to believe that he will be happier with another person. That that person, whoever she/he may be can make this person who used to occupy a big place in my heart, something more that I cannot give. That that somebody can and will love him better than I can.

In that way, we both end up happy.

***

But then again, I've told you that it's not an easy thing to do.

***

***

Yet I've done it. And if you tell me that I haven't, I'm on my way to it. Right, baby?

In our relationship, ghosts of the past will come and haunt us (ehem Alpha, is this you?!!!!) and there's no way to stop them from coming. But what we can do is to learn how to be unaffected by them, no matter how slowly it might be. I've faltered, but I've learned what I needed to learn. Ghosts aren't real, but you are real. Darwin is real. Darwin loves Bryan, and Bryan loves Darwin is real. Our love is real.

Mwah!

:)

(Hihihihi! Can't help it, sorry)

My Forca

I'm already 22, and I've been living independently for about two years now, but every now and then I still feel the urge to go home and see my mom especially when I'm not feeling emotionally okay (which happens every few weeks or so.)

I can't quite understand how I feel recharged after sleeping at my parents' for the weekend. In fact, when I'm here, there are days when I feel like going back to my apartment because I am already unused to having other people under the same roof. Sometimes, I miss my independence - I miss doing things on my own.

I don't even talk to my mom at length (this blog knows more about me.) Maybe it has something to do with her mere presence which comforts me. When she's there, I feel relaxed. I can sleep easier. Like I don't have to worry where my next meal will come from because she's there to prepare it for me. Haha. Or maybe it's something a bit deeper than that.

We're not very expressive - me and my mom. In fact, I can't remember hugging her since my college graduation. We don't say "I love you" to each other, not even "goodbye" when I'm going back to my apartment.

I remember the time when I made layas from our house because of an argument with my dad. There were times when I almost cried while I was riding the jeepney going nowhere because I was missing my mom so much. When I came back home, it was her birthday, and I even brought a siopao and some Cornetto ice cream for her. I didn't have enough money to buy her more. She was the one who opened the gate, and there were black rings around her eyes like she has been crying for a long time. I felt guilty for making her worry so.

Another time, when my dad refused to give me money for the UPCAT application (he didn't want me to go to UP), and I was crying loudly because I really wanted to go to UP, my mom came to my side. She couldn't quite oppose my dad too openly. She simply sat beside me doing nothing while I was bawling my hearts out. I felt that she wanted to comfort me in some way, but she just didn't know how to begin.

We've been through a lot, me and my mom. And I don't want to dwell on the details because I might become too emotional. But whenever people praise me because of my character. Whenever people admire me for my courage, for being who I am right now, they're really praising my mom because I owe it all to her. In fact, during my pseudo suicidal moments, my mom is the main reason why I can't kill myself - I just can't hurt her.

During one of our inuman sessions when I was already a bit tipsy, I told her straight out that I'm magaling because she's magaling as a mother, and that I wouldn't have been able to achieve so much without her.

And she smiled. She just smiled. But with our kind of mother-son relationship, that is already something.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommy. I know you don't really read my blogs (you don't even have a Friendster account!), but I still want you to know that even if I can't be your ideal son, I'm trying my best to make you proud. Be it in this blog or in the real world.

You are my Forca.

(Yikes minsan, ayoko talaga ng chummy moments pero totoo naman kasi eh!)

Crushed You

Some days ago, I was sitting outside the Chemsoc tambayan, smoking while waiting for you to pass by. I was trying to see how I would react to seeing your face again after letting you know - being open about the fleeting feeling I thought I had for you. I was craning my neck to look out for you at the place where you'd come from, checking the time every now and then. I was waiting for you to walk by and perhaps say "Hi", but you never came.

I feel funny thinking about the whole "alpha" thing now. A week ago, I thought that you're going to turn out to be another O, and I was already bracing myself for the struggle to fight that foolish feeling. But it seems that I really did learn from my previous experience even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. I really have learned how to give up and let go.

I did cry for you, you know. Or maybe I cried for the whole mess I made for myself, with me and my baby "on the rocks" for the first time, and me believing that you were somehow flirting back with the whole chalk thingy.

I was in my Chem 16 class, then, and I was looking for my schedule inserted in my laboratory manual when I came upon this piece of paper where I wrote your "hieroglyphical" scribbles. Shame welled in my chest at the sight of those symbols. Shame and self-pity, and I cried because I felt so sorry for myself. I felt so stupid. So immature for believing in a "you and me". And what made it worse was that I wrote them down. It was humiliating to admit that I was that desperate.

I realized that it isn't that easy to let go of your hopes and feelings no matter how baseless they are. I knew it was stupid, but like what I did with O, I allowed myself to be saturated with the feeling. I cried, because it did hurt to accept that there are just so many things that I could not touch. But what really surprised me about this whole issue is that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

I even dreamt about you last night. I dreamt that you were in jail and I was sorta responsible for you getting locked up in there. And then, the whole place did a "World Trade Center" and collapsed on itself inexplicably. You and the other prisoners were trapped but were still alive so there was really no need to panic much. Before waking up, the last concern I had in my dream was how to get you out of the mess I've got you into.

It's just a dream, just that, and believe me - I really want to put more colour into that but I just don't feel like it. It's just a dream, that's all.

True, every now and then, I still get to think of you. (You know, it's not really you I think of - it's the idea of a "you" which is not real.) True, every now and then, especially when I'm feeling lonely, I think of what could have been if you and I got together. I think of how sweet it might have been. I think of how sexy it might have been, but each time that I do, I wake up from it sooner than the previous time.

Some of my readers will perhaps think that I "fall" that easily, or that perhaps "pretty boys" easily capture my heart. Honestly, they're quite wrong because I've met a lot of better looking guys but I just don't develop something for them. It's something with their personality that I'm really attracted to.

I've put you into this, and it's my responsibility to bring you back down if ever you're like some of those guys who get their heads inflated just because someone "famous" crushes on them. That is the sole purpose of this entry.

I hope you're not going to turn to be another O with his fucked up snottiness, but if you are then I'll just deal with it. I took what I wanted and I'll pay for it.

I did learn after all. I feel so cool about it now I might even kiss you for real and feel nothing.

Weekend

Marami tayong nagawa noong weekend - magpabalik-balik between Chowking and Victory Liner Bus Station, nag-Sudoku habang naghihintay, nagtaray sa bus passengers 15 and 16 (courtesy of Sheena May), nag-PDA in front of your friends sa kuwarto, nag-"island hopping", gumawa ng sand castle na sinira din ni Giant Darna (a.k.a Allelu), nag-picture ng topless with the other guys (di ko 'to kinaya) sa Padi Island, halos nabingi sa ingay ng motor ng bangka habang pinipigilang mag-PDA, kinabahan sa Marcos Island Cave (sumakit ang puso ko nung mag-dive ka), kinunan ng picture si Cookie Monster sa iba't ibang sights (habang suot niya ang eyeglasses ko), nagswim sa Quezon Island with alternate diving (dahil kailangang hawakan natin ang salamin ng isa't isa), nag-admire at natakot sa mga maliliit na jellyfish, nag-picture ng 40 consecutive shots sa taas ng cave na tinakasan natin ng rent, nag-charades (hehe Legally Blonde?), kumain together (in one plate pa), natulog together (natulog lang talaga), naghugas ng plato, nanood ng Bon Jovi Concert sa DVD (di ako fan), nakipagtawanan with your PolSci friends, na-involve sa love triangle with Allelu (uy selos baby ko), nag-plano together, nag-pool ng money kung saan ikaw ang auditor (syempre), kumain ng masarap na sinigang at adobo ni Jem, tanggapin ang "quality time" na ibinibigay ng mga friends mo sa atin... Ang dami pang iba.

Pero alam mo ba kung alin ang pinaka hindi ko malilimutan?

Bukod sa pagsasama natin for more than 24 hours for the first time...

Bukod sa magkasama tayong matulog 3 times in a row...

Bukod sa pag-uusap natin and making up after our first real LQ...

Bukod sa contentment na naramdaman ko throughout the whole trip dahil kasama kita at kasama mo ako...

Ano ang pinaka hindi ko makakalimutan?

...

Yung nasa bus na tayo pauwi at nilagay mo ang ulo mo sa balikat ko

...

At alam mo ba...

Hiniling ko nun...

Na sana hunk nga ako...

Para mas broad at may laman naman sana ang shoulders ko...

Para mas komportable ka naman...

Pero hindi ako ganun eh...

Kaya hindi na lang ako gumalaw...

Para hindi ka maistorbo sa iyong pagtulog...

Kasi yun na lang naman ang magagawa ko...

At habang nung tulog ka...

Tinanong ko ang sarili ko...

Kung ano ba ang nakita mo sa akin at minahal mo din ako...

Na sa dinami-dami nang mga pumipila sa iyo...

Ay ako ang pinili mo...

...

...

...

Ang drama no?

...

Masaya lang talaga ako...

...

...

Baby...

...

...

(whispers)

...

Alam mo naman yun di ba?

...

MWAH!

...

Hihihihihi...

Hay naku...

Ano 'to chat?!

:)

Zukkyun (Alpha 2)

Alam ko naman na hindi ka totoo. Alam ko naman na gumagawa lang ako nang dahilan para masabing may koneksyon nga tayong dalawa. Alam ko, hindi mo ko naiisip kagaya nang pag-iisip ko sa iyo minsan, lalo na kapag nalulungkot ako. Alam ko din naman na hindi ganoon ka-importante ang tingin mo sa akin dahil alam kong maraming tao ang nakapaligid sa iyo. Sila ang naiisip mo.

Alam ko, na sa bawat kuwento ko tungkol sa iyo, na pinipilit kitang gawing totoo sa mundo ko sa classroom. Na ginagamit ko lang ang imahinasyon ko at ng aking mga estudyante para palabasin na merong isang tao sa buhay ko na kaya akong intindihin kahit na ano pa ang gawin ko. Na merong isang tao na magmamahal sa akin, yung may "thrill" kagaya ng isang fairy tale, kung saan parang may mahika ang lahat. Yung tipong isang tiniginan lang nating dalawa, magkakaintindihan na tayo. Yung tipong isang ngitian lang at happily ever after na.

Alam ko, hindi ka totoo. Alam ko na pagpapanggap ko lang ang lahat. Alam ko, pero naniwala pa din ako sa iyo. Naniwala ako na kaya mong punan ang anumang kakulangang nararamdaman ko ngayon, kahit na alam kong hndi mo alam kung paanong interpretasyon ang ibinibigay ko sa simple mong mga salita. Naniwala ako sa sarili kong kathang-isip na binigyan ko ng halo ng realidad sa pagkatao mo.

Natatawa na lang ako sa sarili ko minsan. Na parang ang kapal ng mukha kong umasa na may mangyayari ang gusto ko sanang mangyari. Nakakatawa kung paano ko ipagpilitang may patutunguhan nga ang imahinasyon kong ito. Nakakatawa kasi matanda na ako at hinayaan ko pang maniwala ako sa mga ganitong bagay. Nakakatawa kasi inakala kong malulutas ang mga problema ko kung kaya ko muna silang isantabi at mag-isip na lang ng kung anu-anong mga masasayang bagay na hindi naman magkakatotoo.

Nakakatawa pero nakakalungkot din. Kasi ngayon, naiintindihan ko na na hindi lahat ng gusto ko ay makukuha ko. Na hindi lahat ng puwede kong gawin sana ay dapat ko ngang gawin. Naiintindihan ko na na hindi puwedeng sundan ko lang kung ano bang gustong gawin ng puso ko.

Naiintindihan ko na na hindi na ako bata para maglaro at makipag-flirt sa kung sino-sino na lang. Naiintindihan ko na na kailangan ko ngang gamitin ang utak ko minsan.

Nagpapaalam na ako sa iyo, alpha. Paalam na sa isang panaginip. Paalam na sa lahat ng mga gawa-gawa kong mga ilusyon na hindi naman pwedeng mangyari ni minsan. Nagpapaalam na ako sa mga pangarap. Hindi na ako bata. Hindi na ako naniniwala sa Harry Potter. Hindi na ako naniniwala sa mga animes at sa mga fairy tales.

Ang kailangan kong harapin ay ang katotohanan. Ang kung anong meron ako - ang aking boyfriend. Na kahit hindi man ala-fairy tale ang aming love story. Na kahit hindi man kasing puno ng mahika ang aming relasyon - ay totoo naman at hindi kathang-isip. Naiintindihan ko nang hindi naman ideyal ang lahat. Na kahit magkaroon nga ng problema, ang dapat kong gawin ay ayusin ito, at hindi umasang may darating na iba na totoong makakaintindi sa akin.

Masaya ngang isipin ang ganun - yung ideyal na relasyon. Yung tipong walang away-away. Yung tipong nagkakaintindihan kayong dalawa nang buong-buo. Kung ganoon nga ang relasyon ninyo, maswerte kayo. Pero alam ko din na bihira lang ang mga ganun. Lahat nagkakalabuan din minsan. Lahat nagkakasakitan din minsan.

Pinasok ko ang relasyong ito at may responsibilidad akong dapat sundin. Pero kung huli man ako at ngayon ko lang naintindihan ito... Kung huli man ako at gusto na akong iwan ng boyfriend ko dahil pang-ilang beses nang nangyari ito... Kakayanin ko na lang. Pero kahit papaano ay may tiwala ako sa sarili ko kasi naturuan na niya akong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa.

Malungkot... Pero buhay pa din ang "Forca"...

***

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said..
You're my saving grace

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I'm someone else?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I'm someone else?

***
From John Mayer's "Not Myself"

Silence

When things are silent in this blog, it's high time for suspicion because that's when you'll know that secret things are happening.