Music Update: Reasons to Listen to "Reason"

The embodiment of Electrique Records, Sir Bry Aldasiel was given an ambush interview by Rioters as he was making emote near UP Diliman's Sunken Garden. As expected, he was smoking and listening to music while looking at his surroundings in a trance-like manner induced by too much smoking.

Q: Mr. Aldasiel, what can your listeners expect from your 9th album, "Reason"?

A: There's a lot of maturity in this album. Each song has an independent feel. They contain themselves, whether they be happy or sad ones.

Q: What is this album's theme, if there is any?

A: Basically, the album is about letting go of someone you have held on to for so long. The album illustrates this point very effectively, in my opinion.

Q: Were you influenced by personal experiences in the making of this album?

A: Yes. I have always made my albums personal. You should know that.

Q: Would you like to share that particular experience?

A: In essence, it is about myself. About how I let go of this person, who for a long time has resided in a special place in my heart. It's about me and him. Hunter.

Q: Intriguing. So does this mean that the album will be dominated by sad love songs?

A: Sad songs yes, but not your typical love songs. Of all my albums, this is the one which contains the most number of unreleased and relatively unheard of songs. I've done a lot of researching to come up with the songs in this collection. At the most, my average listener will be familiar with only two or three songs.

Q: Wow. So this will be dominated by really new songs. How do you expect your listeners to react to that?

A: My greatest fear about this album is that I'm afraid my listeners will get bored with it since most songs are slow and trance-like, and they are unfamiliar with them. Unlike my last two albums, this doesn't have as many catchy rhythms. There's a sort of a dark magical feel throughout the album which makes it impossible to include "dancey" or groovy tracks.

Q: "Light" was an immediate success because it was very easy to listen to, the type of album you can play everyday and make you feel great. It was so light. Most critics say that that was its strength. What is "Reason"'s?

A: Its maturity. There are songs in my previous albums, which after some time, I regret to have included in the collection. For this one, all songs glow with a certain "classy style".This album's target audience is the slightly older ones. Those who are really into music. Only those people, I think, can appreciate the album fully.

Q: Have you given advanced copies to your close friends? If so, what were their reactions?

A: Some said it was, indeed, my most mature album. They enjoyed it, though some wouldn't say it was my best one. One of those who got advanced copies told me that she liked "Forca" better, although that is understandable since she hasn't listened to the albums that well yet. "Forca" is catchier, and will get immediate fans. "Reason" is the type of album which grows on you, and hence will be remembered longer than my other albums. That is, if they listen to it often enough.

Q: Were you satisfied by the final lineup? I've heard that initially you've encountered difficulties in this one.

A: My first problem was that I was trying to stick to a theme which will unify all tracks and that was a problem then, because the tracks are yet to be trimmed down. I've done my best with the final list and I am satisfied with it. I got help from my friends in choosing the final songs. They made it easier for me to eliminate songs.

Q: Can you say that this is your best effort to date?

A: I am not sure. I think my other albums were really good too. But if I were asked to pick my top three albums, I'd definitely include "Reason".

Q: What would the other two be?

A: "Lovely" and "Light".

Q: Last question, why name the album "Reason"? Is there a particular track where the title came from?

A: No, there are no title tracks. I think there isn't even a song with the word "reason" in the lyrics. I've thought of the title some months ago. It just came to my mind. It is a word with many meanings. There are many reasons why I called it "Reason", and I'll leave the listener to figure it out.

***

"REASON" will be released this Sunday, 30 September 2007. Ask for copies now if you're interested. Five free copies left to give away. These copies are, of course, not very easy to make, so please avail of the copies only if you're really interested in the album. Make sure that you will give the album justice and not just leave it lying around covered in dust.

Solemate

"Reason", my 9th album is to be released this Sunday. I'm listening to it right now to get myself in the mood for writing this entry.

It will always be one of my peculiarities I guess - making albums for my friends/students. I haven't met anyone who does this regularly, and distributes them to as many people as I do. Makes a big fuss about it like I do.

Making albums makes me sad in some ways. It makes me realize how lonely I am in this world. How one of a kind I am. How freaky I am. Sometimes it feels good - to realize that there's no out there like you but...

You know, sometimes when you're walking around the campus and you're thinking how come you haven't met that person who is so much like you. How come I haven't met that person whom I can share everything I think of, who will not laugh at my crazy ideas, who will be genuinely interested in my writing, my albums, my thoughts, my feelings. Someone who really gets me 100% all the time.

Your soulmate.

How come I haven't met my soulmate yet?

It just makes me sad, you know. Like after all this time, deep inside, I know that I am still very lonely since I am not able to share all my special thoughts to someone who really understands me. Someone made of the same dark deep emo stuff I am made of.

Is there someone like me out there?

But despite this lonely feeling, I know that there are a lot of peole who cares for me out there. I have a lot of real friends spread out in the universe.

Maybe if I sum them up together, I'll get to know my soulmate. Like parts of my soulmate reside inside my friends.

Like Horcruxes.

So I should kill them all then? Haha crazy.

Still, this doesn't change the fact that 22 years of living hasn't brought anybody completely inside my imaginary world.

Maybe my brother would have. If he was still around.

Hell this made me sad.

Weeds

I am walking through the garden in my mind. There are weeds. I look at them and I pull them up. They keep springing and I keep pulling them up. I have to do that occasionally, otherwise my garden will be outgrown by them.

I asked god to help me clear them up. I asked god, but he wouldn't answer. He wouldn't answer. So I have to work by myself and keep pulling them up occasionally.

I am tired. I get tired. Because new weeds keep springing up. It's something I have no control of. I pull the weeds. Because I have to and I need to.

I am waiting for god's answer. I am waiting, although I know he wouldn't answer me. It just hurts me really bad when here I am, just wishing to fix things up - make my garden weed-free. All good intentions. And god doesn't acknowledge it. I am a worm in his eyes. And a worm is how I feel whenever he does that to me.

I keep pulling weeds, they don't have a place in my garden. I pull them up. I pull them, and I am so tired it makes me cry. I am so tired because I have to keep a straight face as I pull weeds in my garden. I am so tired, and I don't learn enough. I know tomorrow my garden will be weed-free. Tonight there might be weeds. Tomorrow there will be none. Time is my friend. But when they're here I pull them up because that is what I should do.

Somebody told me that I should pick the weeds and keep the flowers. Somebody told me that. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes I ask myself why I should keep the flowers in the first place.

I pull the weeds. I pull the weeds. I pull the weeds so I can think of nothing else. So I can feel nothing else. I pull them, and I get so tired it makes me cry. My tears fall on the ground and new weeds spring up before my eyes, absorbing my fallen tears. I pull them out and stop my crying.

I wish I were somewhere else, far away from here.

I went inside the house in my mind, and came back carrying flowers. I throw them away on the ground since they're not worth keeping.

The next day I found weeds growing from the dead flowers.

I pulled them up. And I asked god again to stop them from coming. I know he wouldn't answer, but I'm hoping he'll relent.

And I'm still waiting. Still waiting as new weeds spring up before my eyes. I pull them. And I am so tired, but I pull them.

I pull them.

I pull them.

I pull them because I don't have any other choice.

And I am so tired. I am so tired.

But I pull them.

I pull the weeds. I pull the flowers.

Warnings

It was one in the morning and we were walking along Edsa, passing through Guadalupe bridge where death awaits us if we move a few more inches to the left or to the right. One slip, one stumble - and we might die. The whole scene shouted of danger, with the buses zooming fast on our left and the mighty river gurgling to our right,  yet we were walking still. As long as we're together, there is a chance of safety and mutual protection.

My heart was tight as I looked at you, and I recalled what happened a few hours earlier. How I numbed myself, listening to you speak to me as if for the last time. How I realized that I've been treating you unfairly. How I broke down after and how you comforted me with hugs and kisses.

It was a wild night, with my emotions going through a rollercoaster ride inside my chest... How I was flying when you told me (without my urging) that you'd spend a part of the night with me. How you told me that you were not pleased with me smiling sideways at you along the street. And how an hour later, we lay on the bed not touching each other.

***

"I just don't want to be unhappy again," I remembered myself saying as the tears unwillingly poured down from my eyes. My crying reflexes were quite faulty - it's been a long time since I cried like that. And at that moment, I remembered who I used to be. How dark my world was when I was alone. And how different I am now with you in my life. The need to cling to you. The need, not the wanting.

And so why was I pushing you away when you've done so much for me? I cannot understand myself.

***

Hopelessness. Was what I felt when it dawned to me that you might break up with me. In spite of the fear, I strangely felt natural. It seemed like I was back in familiar ground. My territory, where Sadness, Grief, and Loneliness, my long-time friends are waiting for me. I was no stranger to despair. I felt like I knew I'd always end up alone and the possibility of you going away didn't seem a nightmare but an already foretold conclusion.

It felt like my life was simply moving on - that breakups are but natural and periodic occurences in my life.

But despite that knowledge I was scared like hell thinking of what could have happened.

***

In UP dormitories there are signs near the entrances shouting that "YOUR STAY IN THIS DORMITORY IS A PRIVILEGE" painted in large black and red block letters. The first time I read that I was surprised at how blatant it was. At how it seemed a harsh reminder to the dormers. How unnecessarily intimidating it was...

It is only now that I realize how important those signs are.

"YOUR STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP IS A PRIVILEGE"

A bit harsh but true nonetheless.

White

I am sad as every winter is inevitably sad
I am cold as every winter is inevitably cold
My white heart is as icy as freshly fallen snow
My red soul is as gusty as the freezing wind's blow

I was born a melancholic and perhaps will die as one
I was born a masochistic, in my wounds I see my fun
I was born to chase forever the pure brightness of the sun
I was born to run forever, never resting, getting none

I have lived to see my loved ones fade amidst the dawning gray
I have lived to see my dreams approach then slowly fade away
I have lived to see that dead ends lurk in every path I take
I have lived to hear, to taste, to feel, to relish my decay

I have seen you cry in no man's land, a welcome in your arms
I have seen you try and lift me from my limitation scars
I have seen you fly and anchor me in heaven with the stars
I have seen you die in agony, your blood hot on my arms

I have witnessed golden lamp lights flicker bright then out they go
I have heard of many anguished cries forgotten long ago
I have made mountains of ashes out of flowers I once grow
I'm an avalanche of hatred burning deeply, mild as snow

I am nothing like the Bryan, the stubborn son my mother knows
I am nothing like the Bo, the child, the nerd, they used to know
I am nothing like the Bry, the changed, the man that they now know
I am hidden, I am nowhere, I am no one that you know.

Lab2Love

Sigh. September is here. It's almost time for me to say goodbye to my students. To my newly-found friends. Again. Just this afternoon, I invited my 150.1 students to hang out with me in Sunken Garden. It was a bit off though because it wasn't really planned beforehand and most of them had other things to do. But they still came. All of them. And I was really grateful.

Yesterday (Monday), it was my Chem 16 class I was hanging out with in the same area. I got to know them better. I made them share stuff about themselves. Every one of them. I told them, "So that it will be more painful for us when we say goodbye." Some laughed, half-heartedly. Those who simply shifted their eyes and kept quiet probably knew I wasn't lying.

These past few days I honestly feel like I'm always running against time when I think about my classes. I feel that I'm always hurrying. It's like being two years as an instructor has ingrained sembreak in my biological clock. Sembreak means goodbye. Sembreak means pain. Again. And again.

One of the many many things I've realized and accepted as true is how who you are now is a direct consequence of the things which have happened to you in your past. I remember a period in my high school when I was positively shunned by my classmates. I felt like nobody wanted to be with me. I was circling around different groups, moving from one to another whenever I feel like I'm not welcome anymore.

It was just a period though. After a while, I found my own high school barkada.

Perhaps that "isolated" feeling stuck with me all these years and it made me too clingy with my students. Too hurt whenever they go. Whenever the sem ends and they move on, faster than I can. Because I know that they will meet new teachers and they will be busy with other stuff. They will forget. Some of them.

So what do I do? I make the best of the time we have. Whenever I have extra time, I discuss other stuff. I try to share with them what I've learned in love and life. We both know that those lessons are way more important than chemistry. Every minute really counts because once the sem has ended, it's all gone.

Some nights, I lie awake thinking how difficult it is for me. I remember every sem, every class. I remember how happy we all were everytime we meet. To them, I'm just one person. When I go, it is easier to keep in touch. Easier to forget. But what about me? I've already lost hundreds of them. And I'm about to lose more.

So many faces I remember. So many moments. So many laughs. How can you not be sad losing those? Some teachers must have hearts made of stone!

I keep telling my students that if I were rich, I'd have a really big builiding where my students (past and present) may stay. We'll have nighly review sessions in spacious, well-lighted rooms. I'll try to help them with their other subjects. We'll have parties, inuman sessions, neverending yosi breaks. Loads of bonding activities...

I wish they could all stay with me til the end.

***

But some mornings, when I wake up to find my fone brimming with quotes from my past and present students... Days when I get Friendster comments from my past students saying that they miss me. Some days when I'm walking around UP and I am greeted by my students left and right. Days when I am smiled at. Days when I am hugged just because they saw me again... It's worth more than any amount of money you can ever give me.

***

And some people wonder why I'm still a teacher when I can get a higher paying job? Some people think I'm a fool for being a UP teacher? They can brag about how rich they are, but can they brag about how happy they are? I just laugh at them.

They don't feel what I feel.

:)

***

The tears I shed for my students always pay off in the end.

Breeze

There was this big storm once, some time in the late 1980's. A family of four was wading through the flooded Buendia. The jeepney they were riding on had to stop because it could not pass through the deep water. They had to walk the rest of the way to the LRT station.

For the adults, it was an easy wade through knee-deep water. It was early afternoon, and there were a lot of stranded people walking in the same direction. But the five year-old child had to hold on to his mother's hand to keep himself steady because the flood reached up to his waist. The younger child, who was only two years old then (and had no memory of the incident whatsoever), had to be carried by his father.

The older child was determined to go through the floodwater without help. He was even surprised when his father once offered to carry him as well. He declined, and tightened his grip on his mother's hand. He was old enough for wading through waist-deep floodwater, the boy thought. "Kaya niya iyan," his mother told his father. The child thought that she was right.

After hours of traveling, they reached Malabon where they were staying then. The town was of course, notorious for being flooded often, and they found, unsurprisingly, that the road to their house was blocked and that they had to get themselves wet one more time. On the way, they met his father's friend who was also the older child's godfather. The godfather offered to carry the older child on his back, to the latter's surprise. They have been hours walking, but the child although tired, was willing to go through more miles of flood. He felt a certain pleasure in not being a burden to his parents. It made him feel like a grownup.

But soon, his feet left the wet ground and he found himself sitting on his godfather's shoulders. He knew it would be rude and foolish to protest, so he simply tried to make himself lighter to make it easier for his godfather. At first, he felt dizzy for being too high from the ground, and the rocking motion made him feel unsteady. He wished he was back walking on the ground like an independent person. He didn't like being treated as a child because he saw no point in it. His younger brother was asleep on his mother's arms.

The child grew up with an abnormal sense of independence. He was aware of what he needed to do. He didn't need his mother to tell him to do his assignments, or to study for his exams. His mother didn't need to scold him often because he didn't need telling twice. He listened to his mother and to his teachers, and did what he should do like a good boy should.

And now the boy has grown into a man, and one day the man realized that he was missing something in his life - being dependent on others.

Growing up brings its own kind of problems, he realized. Once you're freed from school, you begin to face new trials, and thankfully because of the hardships he had gone through in and out of school, he was well-equipped to face them. He waded through the flood of grownup problems, and was able to reach home. All on his own.

But sometimes, he wonders how it would have felt for someone to save him from his own problems. How it would have felt to encounter a problem and let someone take care of it, not even thinking about it once. He would have liked to know, even just once, how it feels for someone to be there for him - to hug him tight, and to assure him that everything will be alright. Because always facing problems on your own is not easy. It is exhausting. Tiring. Even if you know you can get through in the end.

Looking back, he realizes that he can't remember being hugged as a child. He never felt his mom embracing him, telling him that she loves him. Telling him that he was a wonder of a child, that she was thankful for having a son like him, always getting all sorts of achievements. He can't remember being appreciated by his parents, but he can vividly remember his father shouting at him:

"You think I'm happy that you are intelligent?! I'm not!!"

***

A couple of hours ago, I was sitting, watching the leaves fall in Sunken Garden. I was watching the gray sky and the green view. I was listening to music and smoking. I was enjoying the moment. Alone, yet happy in my own special emo way.

I was sitting there, waiting for the cool breeze to come. I want to feel it rustle through my hair, my clothes. I was waiting for the breeze because when I feel it cut through my clothes... When I feel it caressing me, I imagine I am being hugged by someone out there. Someone who will tell me that everything will be okay. That I will be taken care of.

I know I'm grown, that I can handle things well, but sometimes you just get tired, and you feel like resting a bit. Being assured. Being told that I'm loved. Being hugged. Being dependent.