In this godless path I chose, I struggle to find meaning.
I search within. In my ability to learn to love and be content with whatever I have. In my ability to learn from others and absorb their skills. In my inner clarity. In my innate cruelty and insensitivity. In my laziness and escapism.
I search my soul of music. In my albums. In the simple melodies. In my ever changing taste. In expression. In forcibly crossing the borders of your world with my relentless spirit.
I search in the people who have occupied spaces in my heart. In my mother. In my lost brother, long buried in the deepest crevices of memory. In my estrangement with my father. In Esme's bracelet. Joy's laughter. Rhay's ring. Lui's silence. Ian's dreams. In my husband, Darwin's love. All my friends. How easily I can let go. At least on the surface.
I search in the upturned faces of my students. In how I open up their minds but destroying their innocence in return. In passing the flame. In pulling them close so tightly to my heart I crush them and move on. In sembreaks and the never ending cycle of letting go. In the eventual certainty of forgetting their names with the influx of new faces.
I search in nature. In the beauty of the sky, the night, and the mountains. In the force of the wind. In my cigarette smoke as it swirls up in patterns. In the peaceful face of Jupiter as he lies sleeping on my lap.
I look at my life from the outside. And I see myself going through the motions. Finding real happiness and real pain. Taking notes and learning, highlighting. Leaving fingerprints on everyone I get to interact with. Because I know I'm never going to heaven. And this is the only heaven I'll get to know.
Earth is my heaven. My life is my heaven. Music is my heaven. My teaching is my heaven. In his arms, lies the only heaven I will know.
After this life, there is nothing left for me. I rely on my strength and my courage in accepting the nonexistence of an after life.
When you understand too much...
When you think and feel too much...
When you question and resist too much...
When you demand for proof...
That is when you should stop.
Because at the end, you will only see the futility of living.
Stand up and open your arms. Close your eyes and ask, "What is the meaning of my life?" as the camera swiftly zooms away from you to the planet to the whole universe, where your voice will not even echo.
