Thursday, May 26, 2011

Tatluhan

Halos magtatatlong-taon na rin pala tayong magkausap sa website ni Mother. At kahit na hindi ako mainstay sa lugar na iyon (dahil nagkaka-jowa din ako kapag sineswerte), isa ka sa mga lagi kong nababalikan para kausapin. Isang message ko lang ng "C***!" at sa pagsagot mo ng "Bakit?", ay masaya na ako. Ilang boyfriends na ang dumaan at lumipas sa buhay ko pero nandoon ka pa rin.

Nagtratrabaho ka sa madalas kong tambayan dito sa may UP, kaya tuloy may mga common tayong napag-uusapan, kagaya na lang ng gwapo at hunk na barista sa Coffee Bean na pareho nating type. Marami-rami na din tayong mga kwentong naibahagi sa isa't isa, pero alam ko na sa tuwing nawawala ako, nakakalimutan mo din ako. Lagi ko pang kailangang ipa-alala sa iyo kung sino ako. Hindi rin naman ako kasi pasado sa taste mo. Hanggang chat lang ako sa iyo. Kahit nga number mo hindi ko nakukuha. Ni hindi rin tayo makapag-schedule ng kahit isang date kahit na ang lapit lang natin sa isa't isa. Kapag nilalandi nga kita, iniiba mo ang usapan. Obvious naman na hindi mo nakikita bilang isang tao na sineseryoso pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako at kinakausap mo ako, kahit na alam kong wala ka namang advantage na nakukuha mula doon.

Matagal rin akong nawala sa bahay ni Mother, pero pagbalik ko kaninang umaga, natyempuhan kitang online. Dali-dali akong nag-message ng "C***!" sa galak sa muli nating pagtatagpo at kulang na lang ay lagyan ko ng mga emoticon na hugis-puso ang message ko.

Sobrang cute mo talaga. Sobra-sobra. Na kahit hindi talaga ikaw ang "genre" ko pagdating sa mga lalaki ay nagcross-over ka dahil sa pagka-sobrang cute mo. Pero higit dun ay ang kakulitan mo at ang kabaitan mo sa akin. Na para bang isa kang charity worker ng kakiligan at ako ang iyong hamak na ulilang batang sabik sa kaunting pag-aaruga.

Agad kong ibinalita sa iyo ang aking pagka-tsugi sa UP at hindi ko akalain na ang isasagot mo ay ang pag-aaya sa akin... na magtrabaho diyan sa inyo.

"Bakit?" sabi mo, "Ayaw mo ba akong maging katrabaho?"

Ay! Deusmio! Kung nalaman ko lang ito nang mas maaga ay iiwanan ko ang Secret University para lang sa iyo!

Hindi ko siguro kakayanin ang nalalapit nating pagkikita kasama ang ating "common friend". Matatanga siguro ako all the time, at mawawalan ng dignidad sa harap mo. Ilang taon ko din itong hinintay, at hindi pa din ako makahinga sa pagkabigla kung gaano kabilis maayos ang lahat. Nitong umaga lang, kamustahan. Tapos biglang, heto na. Kasado na agad. May bahagi pa din ng puso ko na humihiling na sana hindi na ito matuloy dahil sa sobrang pagka-torpe ko... Pero siyempre, hindi ko dapat palampasin ang pagkakataong ito. Manalo man o matalo, mahumaling man o mapahiya, itutuloy ko na ito.

Hay naku, C****... Alam kong napakahirap mong abutin. Alam kong you're out of my league. Pero i-aangat ko pa din ang kamay ko para lang mas mapalapit sa iyo.

***

P. S.
Bakit mo ba kasi ako inadd sa Facebook? Nakikita tuloy kita. Langya ka. Pinapahirapan mo ako... Hay, ang puso ko. Lumalandi na naman.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Place to Cry

I opened the door. He was late. He took a shower while I hugged myself as I sat on the bed. The room was cold. I sat and watched the morning news while I waited some more.

Minutes passed and I was already on him. And as I was hugging him tighter as I drew near, I shuddered. Because I found myself sobbing on his shoulder.

I hugged him, and made believe that he was mine. I made myself believe I have someone to cling to through all these major changes in my life. I hugged him and made myself believe that I have someone I can reliably lean on during these moments when I can't bear it anymore. People see me doing fine. People see me taking it well. But what they don't know is that I've always been on the verge of tears these past few weeks.

I've barely known him but I hugged him and cried quietly, and made myself believe that he wants me to feel better as his hands stroked my back. At least for those few seconds, I felt I was not alone in all these new things.

We went out of the building together but when I turned, he was walking quickly in the other direction. He didn't even say goodbye. I wasn't surprised. And so I embraced the morning sun on my own. My brief moment of make-believe has ended.

And as I walked farther away from him, I convinced myself that it was time to face the truth that I am on my own in this. That I have no one to lean to, to cling to when I'm so very afraid of all these leavetakings. I don't have my parents anymore. I can't tell my friends every single one of my woes. I have no choice but to get through this all alone. I have no choice but to stay strong, never mind that in reality, I'm nothing but a fragile bundle of nerves.

All I want is for someone to hold my hand. All I want is to be assured. All I want is, even for a moment, to be comforted. All I want is for someone to take these burdens off me, until I can recover.

I strode up the pedestrian overpass and wondered how my legs can even keep me up.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bakit Hindi Kita Niligawan

Mas magaling na akong artista kesa dati. Siguro, hindi na ako ganun kahalata kapag nagkakasalubong tayo o kaya kapag kailangan kitang kausapin. Kaya ko nang kontrolin ang mga kilos ko. Well, except sa pag-blush ko minsan kasi involuntary naman yun... Pero nitong mga nakaraang araw, kaya na kitang tingnan sa mata na parang bang isang ka lang ordinaryong tao sa buhay ko.

Kinuha ko kasing inspirasyon ang Harry Potter. Si Ginny kasi di ba, naaaligaga dati kapag nandyan si Harry. Tapos sinabihan siya ni Hermione na mag-chill lang at magpakatotoo sa sarili niya at baka mas magustuhan siya ni Harry. Kaya yun din ang ginawa ko. Yun nga lang, hindi mo din naman ako nagustuhan.

Halos mag-iisang taon na nang mag-krus ang mga landas natin. Naaalala ko pa ang paunti-unti kong paglalandi sa iyo noon. Ang mga pag-text at pagkwento ko sa mga kaibigan ko sa bawat maliit na bagay na ginagawa mo na involved ako. Ang paulit-ulit na pagguho ng mundo ko kapag frustrated ako sa iyo. Ang walang palya kong pagsusulat tungkol sa iyo. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ko nararamdaman kapag medyo malapit sa akin. Yung kakaibang hiwaga na yun na para ba akong compass at ikaw ang north pole.

Ilang lalaki na rin ang dumating sa buhay ko simula noong una kong maramdaman na may kakaiba akong pagtingin para sa iyo. Parang McArthur lang ang feelings ko na yun. Minsan sobrang lakas na hindi ako makatulog sa kakaisip sa iyo kapag alam kong problemado ka. Minsan nawawala dahil natatabunan ng ibang mga lalaki. Pero sa oras na makita kita ulit, bumabalik pa rin siya.

Marami na rin akong mga nakilalang lalaki. Pero ngayon ko lang talaga naisip na hindi pala ako nagkakagusto sa lahat. At ngayon ko lang din napagtanto na sa lahat ng mga nagustuhan ko, ikaw lang ang hindi ko ginawaan ng paraan. Ikaw lang ang hindi ko hinabol.

Iniisip ko kung ano nga ba ang dahilan kung bakit hindi kita niligawan. Siguro dahil nagparaya ako sa kanya na lagi mong kasama. Siguro dahil naduwag ako dahil pakiramdam ko hindi kita kayang abutin. Siguro dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi mo naman kailangan ang isang magulong tulad ko. Siguro dahil pagod na din ako at wala na akong maibibigay na pagmamahal.

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang gabi na lasing tayo at halos matumba na ako sa paglalakad. Tinanong kita tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay. Tinanong kita tungkol sa mga tsismis na pumapaligid sa pangalan mo. Kakaiba ang pakiramdam ko na nakakausap kita tungkol sa mga ganung bagay, pero ang pinaka-tumatak sa isip ko ay yung sinabi mo sa akin na ayaw mo nga sa mga taong magugulo.

Magkahalong ginhawa at sakit ang naramdaman ko noon. Na para ba akong sinuntok sa tiyan tapos hinalikan. Nasaktan ako kasi alam kong magulo nga ako, kahit na sigurado naman ako na hindi ako ang tinutukoy mo doon. Pero natuwa din dahil parang nagkaroon ako ng excuse sa katorpehan ko para nga hindi ka ligawan.

Siguro nga huli na ang lahat dahil aalis na ako sa UP. Siguro dapat ko na talagang tapusin ito dahil alam ko namang sa isang iglap ay kaya mong makahanap ng iba. Siguro nga sumusuko na ako sa iyo...

Naaasar ako sa sarili ko. Kasi hindi ako masaya sa desisyong ito. Kasi ilang beses ko na ding ginawa ito pero paikot-ikot lang din ako. Oo. Magulo nga ako. At siguro, hindi ako ang para sa iyo.

Pero alam ko na sa bawat tingin ko sa iyo, na sa bawat pag-uusap natin, alam kong may kakaiba sa mga sandaling iyon. Lalo na yung dalawang segundo na iyon na hindi ko makakalimutan ss buong buhay ko. May bago ka man o wala. May bago man ako o wala. Hindi ko maitatanggi kahit sa sarili ko na mahalaga ang mga saglit na iyon. Hindi dahil umaasa ako, o dahil natutuwa ako sa itsura mo. Kundi dahil ikaw iyon. Yun lang.

Lilipas ang mga taon at magkikita muli tayo. At siguro doon ko lang din talaga malalaman kung bakit nga ba hindi kita niligawan.

Isa sa mga naintidihan ko tungkol sa pag-ibig ay nagiging tanga talaga ang lahat kapag nagmamahal. Kung inaamin kong nagiging tanga ako dahil sinulat ko ito, ibig sabihin ba nito...?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Sikatuna's Next Top Model: Theme 3 (Ads)




KASIA for Speedo (plus-size division).




BRITTANY for Penshoppe.




ALEXANDRIA for Ray-Ban.





HANNAH for Rustan's.


Our very own TYRA for Canon.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Sikatuna's Next Top Model: Theme 2 (Deadly Sins)


HANNAH. "Sloth"



KASIA. "Gluttony"



ALEXANDRIA. "Greed"



BRITTANY. "Lust"



MS. J (SNTM judge). "Wrath"

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sikatuna's Next Top Model: Theme 1 (Sexy, B/W)


KASIA




HANNAH




BRITTANY




ALEXANDRIA





SNTM THEME 1

Lalaki Sa Bintana



Lumabas ako ng apartment para makapag-yosi. May dala akong tasa ng kape. Dala ko din ang mp3 player ko. Ayos lang na mabingi sa mundo. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng pandinig o ng panlasa sa pinaplano ko. Ang kailangan ko lang ay ang aking mga mata. At ang aking imahinasyon.

Lumabas ako ng apartment at umupo sa plastic na bench sa may hagdan. Lumabas ako para silipin ang lalaki sa bintana. Sa kabilang gusali siya nakatira. Madalas na bukas ang ilaw niya. Pati ang bintana. Kaya kitang-kita ko ang tingkad ng pagka-asul ng pintura sa kwarto niya. Kapag umupo ako, nasa likuran ko banda ang kwarto niya. Pero ayos lang yun dahil magmumukha naman akong birdwatcher kung mismong nakatapat ako sa bintana niya.

Isang beses tumapat siya sa bintana niya at nag-yosi din. Sigurado akong nakikita niya ako kaya tuloy na-conscious ako. Pero kaunti lang kasi alam ko namang malayo ako. Kaya may lakas ako ng loob para makipag-eye contact.

Ilang segundo din siguro ang lumipas na magkatingin lang kami. Ilang hithit. Ilang buga ang lumipas. At sa saliw ng musika na pinapakinggan ko, naisip ko kung ano kaya ang iniisip niya.

Iniisip ko kung nalulungkot din kaya siya at mag-isa lang siya sa kuwarto. Iniisip ko kung giniginaw din ba siya minsan. Kung naghahanap ba siya nang makakausap.

Iniisip ko kung papapuntahin niya ako doon. Iniisip ko kung paano niya ako pagbubuksan ng pinto. Kung paano ako ngingiti at uupo sa kama niya. Kung paano ko kakapain ang asul niyang dingding. Tapos mag-uusap lang kami. Magkwekwentuhan ng kung ano-anong bagay. At sabay kaming magyoyosi sa bintana niya habang nakatingin sa plastic bench kung saan ako umuupo.

Tapos iniisip ko na din kung paano siya aantukin makalipas ang ilang oras. Kung paano siya magpaparinig na gumagabi na at kailangan ko nang umuwi. Naisip ko na din ang mga sasabihin niya na "next time ulit" pero sa totoo lang wala na siyang plano pa. Naisip ko na din kung paano ako nakayuko paglabas ko ng bahay niya. Malulungkot ako dahil nawala na ang misteryong bumabalot sa lalaki sa bintana. Na sa susunod na gabi na magkaabutan kami, hindi na niya ako papansinin kasi tapos na.

Mag-isa akong nagyoyosi sa puwesto ko. Malungkot akong nakangiti dahil may bago akong natutunan. Naunawaan ko na na minsan pala, mahalaga din na may mga bagay kang hindi dapat maranasan. Mga bagay na mabuti pang hindi mo na lang alam. Lalo na kung yun na lang din ang nagbibigay sa iyo ng hiwaga at kilig sa buhay mong puno ng kalungkutan at katotohanan.




English Translation (by Google)


Man In Window


I come out of the apartment to be able to cigarettes. I carried a cup of coffee. I brought my mp3 player also. Okay to deafen the world. I also do not need a hearing or a sensation I planned. I just need my eyes. And my imagination.

Take me to the apartment and sit on the bench with plastic tiers. Take me to the man peek out the window. On the other building he lived. Often open to light him. As the window. So prominent when I have the brightness of blue paint to his bedroom. When I sit, my band behind his bedroom. Order but also look like after all because I am birdwatcher if the window itself is situated around him.

Tumapat he once said window and are also cigarette. I'm sure he sees me so I'm going to be conscious. But only a little because I know I turn away. So there's strength within me to communicate eye contact.

Also maybe a few seconds later that we just magkatingin. Some absorption. Some stone has passed. And the accompaniment of music that heareth me, so I thought what he thought.

I wonder also unhappy so he and only he alone in the room. I wonder if he also sometimes cold. If he seeks to talk.

I wonder if papapuntahin me there. I wonder how I'm He opened the door. How I smile and sit on his bed. I kakapain how his blue wall. Just finished talking to us. Magkwekwentuhan of what kind of things. And once we magyoyosi her window while looking at the plastic bench where I sit.

Then I think how he aantukin also after some time. How he sounds that draweth and I need to go home. I thought he also say that "next time again" but in fact he plans no more. I thought as how I'm bent off his house. Sad because I lost the mystery surrounding the man in the window. The next night we magkaabutan, not because he ignored me done.

I'm alone I nagyoyosi spot. I'm sad smile because I learned before. Once I understood that way, there are also important things you should not experience. Other good things just do not know. Especially if that 's also just gives you the mysteries and twitches to life full of sadness and reality.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

One Thing Wrong

Lights are low
All the bodies on the go
My mind is in a haze
And numbers are exchanged
You made me smile
It lasted for a while
Yes we danced all night long
But there's one thing wrong

Smokes and coffee
And I've got good company
The topic's got you going
You really got me talking
I had to concede
You're a very good read
Oh you sure are bright
But something's not right

You took away my breath
That first time we met
Held your body against mine
And it was oh so sublime
You made me feel warm
It was more than just your charm
Oh it was bodily bliss
Yet something was amiss

The music was loud
But I was searching the crowd
It was a sunshiny day
But I was looking far away
All the stars were out
But my heart was filled with doubt
There may be guys on the line
But I don't want to call them mine

That one thing wrong
Was them playing our song
What wasn't right
Was your missing insight
That one thing amiss
Was our very first kiss
What use is dating many
When none of them's my baby




Lubid

Minsan, inaamin kong tumitingin ako sa mga kisame at naghahanap ng mga pwedeng pagsabitan ng lubid. Pero hindi ako kagaya ng mga tipikal na emo na naiisip kitilin ang sariling buhay dahil malungkot lang sila o mag-isa o dahil hindi nila nakuha ang gusto nila o anuman. Ayos lang talaga ako ngayon, kung tutuusin. Wala naman talaga akong dahilan kundi napapagod na lang akong mabuhay. Parang gusto ko na lang talagang mamahinga. Napapagod ako kasi masyado akong maraming nararamdamang mga emosyon. Kumbaga sa absorbance, mataas ang aking absorptivity coefficient.

Aminado naman akong selfish sa pag-iisip nito. Kaya nga bago ako magpakamatay, paghahandaan ko naman ito. Magpapaliwanag naman ako nang maayos.

Hindi naman kasi ako natatakot sa kamatayan. Matagal ko nang natanggap sa sarili ko na kahit anong oras, pwedeng mamatay kahit sinuman. Kaya nga wala na akong preno sa mga bagong karanasan. Pasok lang ako nang pasok sa mga kakaibang sitwasyon kasi ayaw kong palampasin ang mga ganitong bagay. Sa ngayon, pakiramdam ko medyo sapat na yung naranasan ko, lalo na kung ikukumpara ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko. Ayos na ko doon.

Matagal-tagal ko na ring napakawalan ang ilusyon na may langit. Sapat na sa akin na mabuhay ako sa alaala ng mga taong nakasalimuha ko kapag namatay na ako. Pakiramdam ko naman, marami na rin akong mga naiwang masasayang alaala. Ayos na ko doon.

Iniisip ko din kung sapat na ba ang mga ginawa ko para mapabuti ang mundo. Kung may naiwan ba akong sapat na mga aral, lalo na sa mga naging estudyante ko at sa mga nakakabasa ng blog ko. Malay mo, kapag namatay na ako, may mag-interes sa blog ko. May mag-isip na gawin siyang libro. E di sa ganoong paraan, mas marami akong nagawang mabuti sa mundo. Hindi na naman siguro masam yun di ba? Ayos na ko doon.

Alam ko na marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay ko. Kung bibigay na ako ngayon, hindi ko mararanasan ang marami pang masasayang bagay sa hinaharap ko. Pero maiiwasan ko din ang mga masakit na pangyayari di ba? Parang quits lang din.

Hindi ko ginugustong mag-panic ang mga kaibigan ko dahil dito. Hindi ko kinakailangan ng payo o ng tulong. Ayos lang ako, at sa tingin ko, kahit ano pa mang pagkukumbinisi nila sa akin ay may nakahandana na akong sagot. Matagal ko na ding napag-isipan ang bagay na ito. Alam ko ang ginagawa ko.

Minsan gusto mo lang talagang magpahinga na. Nalubos ko naman ang buhay ko. Ayos na ko dito. Masaya na ako sa ganun.

Oo, napanood ko na yung mga hopeful videos o stories. May epekto sila, oo, pero hindi pa din sapat yung mga yun. Alam ko, sasabihin ng iba, walang problema na hindi kayang masolusyonan. E hindi nga ako problemado di ba? Your argument is invalid.

Minsan gusto mo lang magpakamatay dahil gusto mo lang.

Tapos.


Simple lang naman di ba?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Rock-Paper-Scissors


There was once a guy who said he loved me
Though he was the toughest cookie to crack
He was hard as a rock and he gave no guarantee
Yet it was to him that I kept coming back

Then he brought me to this open field
We had to wade through mud and grass
And when the fireflies woke as the daylight waned
He kissed me and that was more than I could ask

But I traded his love for someone I barely knew
Just because it was hot and it was summer
And as I traipsed away, my heart set on what to do
I didn't hear his walled heart split asunder

***

There was once a guy who said he loved me
He was quiet and careful and sweet
Though his words were written on electronic paper
Still his prose knocked me off of my feet

We spent mornings together just sitting on his bed
Eating chocolate bars for breakfast
And as he sang to my guitar, it came into my head
High or low, his love will be steadfast

But he wanted me to quit smoking for good
He preferred that I change for the better
That's when I knew that who I am, he never fully understood
So I sent him this electronic goodbye letter

***

There was once a guy who said he loved me
He was as charming as a Disney prince can be
Though we never could have a meaningful conversation
His hot body was all I needed to see

In an abandoned model house we broke through
And on the dusty floor we lay for hours
He looked me in the eyes as he breathed "I'll miss you"
And I just knew I couldn't be with any other

But then I found out that he was sleeping around
He fooled me and my friends and my mother
So I decided to steal the scissors from his hand
And cut the ropes before I can do murder

***

Love is a game of rock-paper-scissors
Your hand, good timing, and someone new
You can play until your heart gets all sore
Or you can play until you've broken the rules



Totoy Mola and the Universe

Dati tinanong ko ang kaibigan ko kung paano niya nakikita ang sarili niya makatapos ang sampung taon. Sabi niya may pamilya daw siya. May asawa at anak. Nakikita niya ang sarili niyang nagmamadali para ihatid ang kanyang anak sa paaralan. Nung ibinalik sa akin ang tanong, ang nakita ko lang sa isip ko ay ako, nasa labas at naglalakad kung saan-saan. Mataas ang araw at tumitingin ako sa paligid ko. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako pero nakangiti ako at nabubuhay ako.

***

Madalas kapag gabi at mag-isa ako ay iniisip ko kung saan nga ba ako patungo. Nakikita ko kasi ang mga tao sa paligid ko, punong-puno ng mga plano kung saan sila magtratrabaho. Nakikita ko kasi ang mga kaibigan ko sa Facebook. Yung iba may mga asawa na. Yung iba may kung ano-anong pag-aari na. Masasaya sa kanilang pagiging ama o ina. Masaya sila kung nasaan man sila. Naiisip ko ang dating ako. Naiisip ko na kung hindi siguro ako nagbago, hindi siguro ako magkakaganito.

May mga bagay akong alam at may mga bagay na hindi. Hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Kung tatanungin mo ako kung ano ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin, hindi kita mabibigyan ng isang sagot. Hindi ko talaga kayang mag-plano. Palutang-lutang lang ako. Kung saan man ako dalahin ng buhay ko, makukuntento na ako dun.

Sabi nila pera lang ang solusyon. Sabi nila basta magpayaman ka lang, masasagot mo ang mga problema mo. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko kayang maging ganun. Basta meron akong sapat na pera, nagiging masaya na ako.

Sabi nila, basta sumunod ka lang sa sinasabi ng mga bossing mo, ayos ka na. Kung ano ang kinuha mong kurso, sundin mo lang iyon. Pero hindi ko din kayang maging sunud-sunuran. Kung hindi ko gusto ang gusto nilang maging ako, wala ding mangyayari. Hindi ko kayang pilitin ang sarili ko na gustuhin ang mga bagay na kinaaayawan ko.

Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga kaibigan ko dahil malaki na ang kinikita nila. Hindi ako naiinggit sa mga kaibigan kong mag-aabroad na at ipagpapatuloy ang kanilang pag-aaral dun. Para sa akin, wala naman doon ang kahulugan ng buhay. Ang iniisip ko kasi ay kung saan ako magiging masaya. At nagiging masaya ako kapag napapabuti ko ang mundo. Kapag may natutulungan akong mga tao.

Sa mga desisyong kagaya nito, iniisip ko lagi kung ano ba ang kabuluhan nito para sa mundo. Iniisip ko lagi na kailangan kong magmadali dahil maikli lang ang buhay. Kailangang may gawin na ako para sa mundo ngayon na. Hindi ako dapat magsayang ng mga taon para paunlarin ang sarili ko.

Inaamin ko na nalulungkot pa din ako dahil sa pag-alis ko mula sa UP, kaya nga nakakapagsulat ako ng mga ganito tungkol sa nangyari. Marami akong naiisip at nauunawaan dahil doon. Pero minsan, kung magiging praktikal ka, hindi talaga nakakatulong ang masyadong pag-iisip. Kasi ngayon, nagiging sobrang lawak na ng pagtingin ko sa buhay kaya tuloy hindi ako makapag-focus sa isang aspeto. Parang sa bawat gagawin ko, ikinukumpara ko na lagi ang epekto nito sa buong universe. Kahit sa sarili ko nga, hindi na ako makapag-focus. Kasi ano ba naman ang ikauunlad ng isang taong kagaya ko kumpara sa buong universe?

Siguro nga hindi ako naiinggit sa mga kaibigan ko dahil sa pera o dahil sa ambisyon. Naiinggit ako kasi may direksyon sila. Naiinggit ako kasi kaya nilang mag-focus sa mga sarili nila o sa mga pamilya nila, na para bang hindi nila napapansin ang kawalang-saysay ng lahat kung hindi mo pa nahahanap ang kahulugan ng iyong buhay.

Para ba akong kabayo sa kalesa na tinanggalan ng mga harang sa mata, tinanggalan ng latigo at hinete, at tinanggalan ng kalesa. Walang nagsasabi sa akin kung saan ako dapat pumunta. Walang lumilimita sa mga dapat kong makita. Wala akong bagahe na magpapabigat sa akin. Kaya tuloy nasosobrahan ako sa pagkamangha sa mga bagay sa paligid ko at hindi na ako makaalis.

May mga bagay akong alam at ay mga bagay na hindi. Pero bakit ang mga bagay na alam kong makahulugan ay walang saysay sa totoong buhay? At ang mga bagay na dapat ay walang saysay ay mahalaga sa totoong buhay?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Windmills In My Head

A few days ago, I was at Secret University, taking this personality test as part of my application. Most of the questions I was answering were so transparent in what they wanted to determine, and it could have been so easy for me to give them what they wanted. I could've answered it in such a way that I could make it appear that I am this generic good normal person. But me being me, I answered it as truthfully as I can.

I had to laugh silently at some of the questions which were obviously trying to gauge if I was crazy. Asking me if I've been hearing voices in my head, seeing images which aren't really there, having this strong feeling that someone out there is out to get me and ruin my life... Of course I answered "no" to all these questions (because I really don't hear voices), but deep inside I became a little afraid. Because I do have this tiny fear that I am not completely sane. If only they asked the right questions, I'm certain I wouldn't have made it to the final interview.

Earlier I was at Trinoma, and as I was walking I had this sudden feeling of disconnect with all the others around me. I'm sure I must have imagined it, but it seemed like all those people kinda blurred, and I felt like I was alone. It was as if I was inside this bubble where I can only see clearly the objects which are within my reach. It was crazy, and I was aware that it was, and with that realization I found myself not moving, catatonic-like, my head cocked, my lips parted, and my eyebrows furrowed as if I was straining to hear... something. It was a good thing that happened when I was on the escalator, where I didn't need to walk. It would've been unbearably scary for me if it happened while I was actually walking.

And of course, I shouldn't forget to mention how I've been silently talking to myself more and more often lately, even when I'm in a crowd of strangers. Or how my mind flies away at times, and I actually momentarily forget where I was and what I was doing. One time I was eating this burger and I got lost in my thoughts. The next thing I know, I was staring at my empty tray.

"We all have our quirks," a friend once told me, but in my case, it seems like my life is one big quirk. I mean, come to think of it, which aspects of my life can still be considered as normal? I know my friends won't believe me because they see me, and I'm not like that when I'm with them. I'm passably normal when they're around because I know that they are there. But when I'm alone, it is a completely different matter.

But don't misunderstand though. These episodes do not happen all the time. It's not like I go completely gaga the minute I'm left to myself. It is only thanks to my ever-present self-awareness that I notice that they are becoming more frequent lately. And even if I know that I am becoming increasingly freaky each day, I cannot do anything about it. I am hopelessly helpless against it. I suppose my greatest fear about my mental health is that one day, I will find myself unable to function normally at all. That is actually one of the driving forces why I blog so often. I want to preserve my thoughts and memories while I still have the capability to do so.

I think all these years of feeling different from everybody else are already taking their toll on me. When I was a kid, I didn't really care much if I had weird ways of amusing myself. I was content to be in my own world and all its rules. But now that I'm older, and I have developed a keener sense of acuity to compare how I function with others, I've reached the conclusion that I am indeed, rather oblique. I've spent years attempting to blend it with the others. I tried to learn how it is to be normal, doing what they do just to prove to myself that I can do those too. But the backlash of what I did was that I only emphasized to myself how different I am.

I began to be plagued by questions why the other people do not do the same things I do. Why they have a completely different perspective about life. Why they do not reach the same conclusions as I did. And I've spent fruitless hours blaming myself for being such a weirdo.

I tried to diagnose myself, and I began to look up psychological tests for diseases of the mind only to finally answer the question why I am so fuckingly different. I thought I was an aberration, and I held on to this negative view on myself until I finally stumbled upon this article about "gifted" individuals.

Oh I'm not really sure if I'm gifted, reader. I'm not going to claim that I'm 100% sure that I am. I don't think my intellectual capacity matches the high standards described in the criteria. I really don't think I'm smart enough to qualify. But all the others, well, I think they really describe me quite accurately. My emotional oversensitivity, my manic drive for truth, my passion for equality and justice, my emphasis on self-actualization and existentialism... All these characteristics which I never imagined a gifted person would possess were in there. And it doesn't help that actually denying you are gifted is one of the characteristics of being one.

I derived a brief surge of relief after reading that. Assuming that I was indeed gifted will explain a lot about how I've been behaving, most especially lately. It helped me understand why I'm failing at stuff even if I have the right perspective. It was a most welcome burst of light in my head. All this time, I was punching myself for being too weird, only to realize that there are such people like me out there in the world. It felt so good to realize that I am, in a way, normal like you.

But as I said, that happy feeling did not last long. Because giftedness is something you have to bear for the rest of your life. Because it entails that the majority of people will misunderstand you and it is you who will have to do the adjusting. That for the rest of your life, you will have to think not only for yourself but for the others too.

Oh reader, just in case you're thinking about it, let me tell you that I don't derive any satisfaction whenever I assume that I just might be "gifted." You can call it "demented" if it pleases you, and I wouldn't have minded.

It's a good thing that after many years I finally learned about this so I can stop trying too hard to fit in. From now on, I will accept that I am who I am, crazy or no.

It is nice to have a natural tendency to overthink and overfeel because it allows you to understand more about everything, but there are times when I would have gladly traded a quieter mind for all this shit, churning endlessly in my head.

At times, I feel like snapping and finally going insane will give me the relief I've been searching for all these years.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

AloHOMOra! (Filipino Translation)

BABALA: Ang entry na ito ay hindi para sa mga mambabasa na menor de edad. Ako na nagsasabi sa iyo, gawin HINDI magpatuloy sa pagbabasa kung ikaw ay hindi masyadong mahilig sa pagbabasa rated material. babala na ito ay lalo na para sa aking mga estudyante kulang sa edad! HUWAG READ THIS! Ito ay para sa aking mga mambabasa adult lamang!

Ko lamang nagkaroon ito loko naisip habang ako ay nakasakay ng bus sa bahay. Ngunit bago basahin ang magpahinga ng ito, hindi hukom ako masyadong mabilis alright? Hindi ako palaging na ito sa sexualized mood. Ito ay lamang na ang ideya na ito ay masyadong mabaliw at funny para sa akin hindi upang ipamahagi ito sa iyo. Ako ay isang magandang panahon iisip ang mga ito sa labas. Laugh trip 'to! Ito ay ginawa para lamang sa ang saya ng mga ito, ok? Huwag pumunta ranting sa akin tungkol sa kagandahang-asal o ilang tulad kabanalan. Ngayon, ako ay pagkuha ng isang break mula sa mga.

***

Ang pagtatanghal ng mga bagong Harry Potter series, chronicling Harry's sekswal Pagsasamantala na kung saan ay hindi kasama sa inilathala mga libro para sa kapakanan ng kanyang mga batang mambabasa. Alam nating lahat na Harry ay isang ulila sa ina, kaya, habang wala sa paaralan o bago siya nagpunta sa Hogwarts, siya ay may na ginugol ng isang mumunti oras lamang, iisip sa pamamagitan ng kanyang sarili. Fantasizing tungkol sa pagkakaroon ng sex sa mga babae masarap ... at sa mga tao. At kapag siya lumago ng edad at ay inilabas mula sa kanyang bahay privet Drive ... Mahiwagang bagay sa wakas mangyayari!

Book 1: Harry Potter at ang mga manggagaway binato
Habang pagala-gala sa pamamagitan Diagon Alley, nawala at bewildered sa pamamagitan ng kanyang paligid, Harry ay dumating sa isang mas nakababata-naghahanap mangkukulam na ay sa isang mataas na mula sa pagkuha ng wizard katumbas ng Muggle na gamot.
Ito binato manggagaway humantong Harry sa isang nakatagong darker eskina kung saan libog roams libre, at Harry, kabataan bilang siya ay, sa lalong madaling panahon na nahahanap ang para sa kanyang sarili kung ano ang salita "magic" talagang ibig sabihin nito.

Book 2: Harry Potter at ang Chamber Pot ng Secrets
Harry ay dumating sa isang mahiwaga-naghahanap palayok silid habang naghahanap ng lugar na kumuha ng isang tumagas pagkatapos ng pagkakaroon ng sex sa isang veela.
Little alam siya kaysa sa kapag siya mahila ang kanyang titi sa labas ng kanyang boxers sa sagot na tawag kalikasan's, ito basin ay mysteriously activated, nagdadala sa kanyang buhay bawal na sexual fantasies na, kung sila alam lang, ay gumawa ng kanyang mga magulang tumaas mula sa kanilang libingan.

Book 3: Harry Potter at ang Threesomer ng Azkaban
Sa panahon ng maikling manatili Harry Potter's sa Azkaban, siya anticipated na siya ay paggastos ng kanyang araw nabilanggo nang walang pag-asa dahil sa mga nakakasuya dementors.
Sa laban, pagkatapos ng kanyang unang gabi ng mamalagi doon, siya natagpuan na siya ay maaaring aktwal na magkaroon ng isang kaunting halaga ng oras sa mga dementors para hindi lamang sila ay maaaring pagsuso sa kaligayahan sa labas ng ka tunay mabuti, maaari din sila sipsipin ang kanyang bagay kahit na mas mahusay!

Book 4: Harry Potter at ang Pantylet ng Sunog
Harry lamang ay hindi maaaring maglaman ng kaniyang paninibugho pa.
Matapos ang panahon ng Pasko Ball, siya rushed sa room Ravenclaw karaniwang na magkaroon ng isang trabahong ginawang mabilis at walang sanay sa mga pretty Cho Chang. Ito ay karaniwang mga tsismis na Cho ay pa rin ng isang birhen sa kabila ng pagkakaroon ng isang bilang ng mga sungayan Boyfriends, at Harry, iisip na siya ay Hogwart's Champion sa lahat ng aspeto, nais na makakuha ng mas maraming kaluwalhatian kung siya ay ang isa sa mag-alis ng pagkabirhen ng malinis girl. Little alam niya na Cho ay sinumpa sa magpakailanman suot ng isang Pantylet ng Fire, na kung saan ay gumawa ng kanyang sex mates dumating sa buong orgasm kahit na walang pagkuha ng kanyang ganap na hubad. Harry ngayon mukha ang toughest sekswal na hamon ng buhay - na huminto sa kanyang orgasm mula sa pagdating kaya na siya ay able sa ipasok hindi nabubungkal paraiso Cho's.

Book 5: Harry Potter at ang Order ng Titi
Harry ay sa wakas irritated sa pamamagitan ng mga comings at labasan ng sakit mula sa kanyang mga peklat na ito dahil ito mapigil sa disrupting ang kanyang sekswal na gawain.
Siya na paghahanap sa pamamagitan ng mga library Hogwarts para sa isang gamutin sa patigilin ito pagkabagot. Sa Hermione's tulong, siya ay dumating sa ito spell na maaaring lamang gawin ang mga kakaibang ugali. Ang bagay nagtrabaho at para sa isang ilang araw, siya ay able sa ganap na tamasahin ang bagong kalayaan. Ngunit lamang bilang ng mga bagay ay magiging para sa mas mahusay, Harry natuklasan na siya ay isang bagong problema - siya lamang ay hindi maaaring makontrol ang kanyang sekswal urges anymore. Klase ay ginulo ng kanya jacking off sa silid-aralan. Umumit ay nasa kaguluhan para sa nakahahalina siya fucking isang tao sa koridor gabi-gabi. Ang kanyang mga kaklase 'wands ibinigay off ng isang indescribably napakarumi amoy dahil siya sticks kanila up ang kanyang asno kapag sila ay naghahanap. Kapag Snape throws sa kanya sa pagpigil sa malinis na mga bagay-bagay sa mga dungeons, siya fucks kanyang sarili Snape. Para sa Harry ay hindi sa kontrol ng kanyang sarili anymore, siya ngayon ay sumusunod sa Order ng kanyang titi.

Book 6: Harry Potter at ang Half-Prince ng armas
Harry ay nagpasya na ilagay ang kanyang sekswal escapades sa baya dahil Dumbledore ay na binigyan ng babala sa kanya ng pagiging pinatalsik mula sa Hogwarts kung siya ay patuloy sa kanyang malisyosong pag-uugali.
Upang lunas na ito, Dumbledore paanyaya Harry upang manatili at makipag-usap sa kanya madalas sa kanyang opisina upang ang Harry isip ay naghadlang mula sa pagpunta sa berdihan bakuran. Ngunit kasawian tila sa sapitin Harry kahit na ano siya ay. Pagdating sa Dumbledore's office mamaya kaysa sa dati, siya catches ang punong-guro sa isang pribadong sandali sa kanyang boxers off. Hindi mapaniniwalaan o kapani-paniwala, Harry bumaba sa pag ibig sa kung ano siya ay may natuklasan lingid sa ibaba rehiyon ng sa matanda. Ito makaama relasyon ay lumago scandalously walang katotohanan dahil sa Harry, Dumbledore ay hindi ang kanyang tagapayo anymore, mula noon, siya ay palaging magiging kanyang isa at lamang Half ng armas Prince.

Hahaha! Ano ang maaari mong sabihin? Ay ka kailanman mahanap ang kahit sino pa ang bilang creative (at berdeng-iisip) na gaya ko? Na nakakaalam, baka ako ang tunay na sumulat ng mga libro na ito sa hinaharap. Mag-ingat!



Mamayang Gabi, Sa Basketball Court (Tonight, the Basketball Court)

Mamayang gabi, sa basketball court
Hihintayin kita
Uupo ako sa may parking lot
Kamay sa aking bulsa

Lalalim ang gabi, sa basketball court
At tatawagin kita
Papaupuin sa aking tabi
Makikipagkilala

Unti-unti rin, at sa tamang sandali
Ay mapupukaw din kita
Ang kamay ko'y sasalat sa iyong hita
Basta't huwag ka lang mahiya

Maya-maya din, ika'y mapapaniwala
At aayain na kita
May gin at vodka sa aking mesa
Tara na, sumama ka na

Tayo'y magpapahinga sa aking kama
At ipagtatagay kita
Kapag naubos na ang ating chichirya
Ang pulutan ko'y ikaw na

Pagtumba ng shot glass ay madarama ko rin
Ang init ng iyong hininga
Gagawa ng musika ang iyong halinghing
Sa langitngit ng aking kama

Mamayang gabi, sa basketball court
Ay ihahatid na kita
Ngunit bago umalis ay huling dadaplis
Ang kamay mo sa aking bulsa


Thanks to Google Filipino-English translator for helping me make this sound so much malibog (that's sexy in Filipino according to it)


ENGLISH TRANSLATION:


Tonight, the basketball court
We wait
I sit in a parking lot
Hand in my pocket
Lalalim the night, the basketball court
And we call
Papaupuin my side
Makikipagkilala

Gradually, too, and at the right moment
We will also arouse
My hand on your thigh sasalat
Just as long as you do not be shy

Also later, you will convince
And income aayain
May gin and vodka at my table
Come on, you come

Let rest on my bed
And we ipagtatagay
When the our chichirya
You are my pulutan

Collapse of the shot glass is I also feel
The warmth of your breath
Music Makes you moan
In my bed creak

Tonight, the basketball court
Is delivered to you
But before leaving was last dadaplis
Your hand in my pocket


Monday, May 2, 2011

A Freshman Again

I've always believed that the UPCAT seals our fate too early. How can one person, at the age of around 16 or 17, already know what one wants to be for the rest of his or her life?

I can still remember the time when I was filling up my UPCAT application form. Even if I came from a science high school, we did not take the UPCAT for granted. We all felt a mixture of fear and excited anticipation as we were writing down our personal details on the boxes provided in the form. We were in the Guidance Counselor's room, I remember, and my classmates were busy asking each other, talking about what courses they wanted to take in UP. I suppose that for some of them, their parents helped them choose what they want to be in the future. For some, their parents already had grand plans for them, ready to be set in motion. As for me, both my parents did not finish college. It would be pointless asking them what course they would recommend for me. I was, as with how I went through with the rest of my life, on my own in this.

I only had two considerations in choosing my course: that it should be a non-quota course and that it should be something I like. Initially, I wanted to be a chemical engineer but that was a quota course so I chose the next closest thing to it as my first choice: BS Chemistry. I thought that, hey, I'm good in the sciences anyway (although it turned out later in the school year that I was better in Physics). My second choice was Geography, simply because I was fond of maps and atlases and flags and capitals.

Years passed and there I was, graduating BS Chemistry with honors and awards and I thought that, hey I made the right decision. You should really like what you're studying for you to be successful in it.

More years passed and now I find myself unable to obtain my MS degree and I'm thinking now, hey where did I screw up? What the fucking hell went wrong with me? Why did I choose to be a scientist when it is obvious that I clearly do not belong in this environment anymore?

I suppose what went awry with me is that I changed my personality (the term is: unleashed my inner fires) midway through my MS career. I changed a lot and that affected my view on who I want myself to be. When I began my career as an instructor I was dead set on my career as a scientist. I saw myself staying in UP, even making plans to be IC's Director, and simply growing old, teaching all these wonderful students. But then, my eyes were opened. Through my explorations within and without, I discovered a broader view of life and I made a decision to not make things harder on myself if I can. I did not want to be too focused, too limited, too secluded, too absorbed in one thing. I wanted to have a taste of everything. I wanted to enjoy my life. Period.

And more recent events made the matter worse. I was disillusioned, mostly because of the ineptness the people I used to look up to showed me. Mostly because I was shocked to realize how they seem to be as lost as we were about what they really want to do with our careers. The political environment in my workplace really put me off (I really thought that they'd have better things to talk about other than my personal life), somehow proving that myth that some select few scientists really lack social skills. I am not the first one to point this out, but there really is a disconnect between the upper and lower tiers in my old workplace.

It is a combination of both these internal and external factors why I feel like I'm staring anew right now. It's as if I was back in the Guidance Counselor's room, thinking about what I want to be for the rest of my life. And even if there's some small external pressure on me to stay with my Chem career, there's an even bigger force within me, wanting me to go with my heart.

There was this one time when I had lunch with Dr. V and she was asking about what I want to do when it comes to research. I told her that honestly, I had no idea at all. I was momentarily afraid that she might take my audacity to say that the wrong way, but she didn't. She reacted as if I didn't say anything out of the ordinary, and she went on with asking me about what I wanted to do. My immediate answer was that I wanted to teach but I did not want to do research. And she just nodded her head as if the matter was settled. "At least there is something you like to do," she said. "That's already enough."


So as my career debacle comes to a close, I am going to summarize for you the things I have learned from it. Although there is some doubt about whether what I learned will be applicable to other people (I am a highly unique individual), you may still get something out of it. I think.

(1) GO WITH YOUR HEART. Some students often forget that when they're studying, they're doing it to get a job. Sometimes they get lost in the confines of that one particular subject and fail to see the bigger picture. Passing the exam, passing this one subject is not all of it. Always remember your ultimate objective and spend the effort to learn about what jobs you can take after graduating. Imagine yourself that you'll be doing this work for a possibly very long time. If you feel that you cannot imagine doing anything else, this course is for you. No matter how tiring your job may be, as long as you like what you're doing, you'd still find a reason to smile before you go to sleep and wake up the next day, excited to get to work.

There was never a time when going to class felt like work for me. Going to my MS subjects, damned yes, but NEVER in my own classes. So this is how I know that being a teacher is for me.


(2) GO WITH YOUR STRENGTHS. For multi-talented people like me (LOL), it is extra difficult to settle with one thing. An awesome situation will be having a job where you can showcase all of your talents, but if that isn't possible, choose the one you're best at. Let's face it, this is a competitive world. If you're failing in your current job, that doesn't mean that you're a loser. It just means that this isn't the right job for you. Take it from me! (wink!)

I could have chosen to be an events organizer, or a choreographer, or a writer, or an artista. (LOL) but I feel like I won't turn out to be the best in these fields since I lack experience in them. I've been told that I teach well (and with results), so if I wanted to be successful in something, I'm going to stick with that.

(3) MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Well this third one, I think, does not apply to everybody. I just think that it gives extra satisfaction to your life when you know that you are helping the world become a better place in the small way that you can. This is one of the things I love about teaching, and of course doctors feel a similar happiness everytime they cure somebody. But this is not limited to jobs which require you to deal with a huge number of people all at once. You can be a simple saleslady for instance, and a warm smile given to a customer can help make that customer's day a bit brighter. My major point here is, if you are equally talented in several lines of work, why not choose the one which can cause the most impact to humanity? Life is too short to spend only for yourself or the people close to you.

I think this is the major hindrance why I cannot imagine myself working in the industry. I just cannot see how being stuck in a lab, doing routine work (unless I'm researching) can help improve society. I have nothing against those who love this job. As I said, this does not apply to everybody.

(4) BE FINANCIALLY PRACTICAL.
It sucks to include this in my list, but we cannot escape the fact that we work in order to earn money. It is with this consideration that sometimes, we have to sacrifice those I listed above. Distasteful.

This is the only thing preventing me from rushing to the mountains and do charity work. Sadly, I do need money too.

(5) FIND SOMETHING WHERE YOU CAN GROW. Not only in terms of job promotion, but also as a person. You have to keep in mind that we are bigger than our careers. This includes finding a friendly workplace and learning something new in your job every time.

I wrote this as my lowest priority since you can find other ways outside your job to develop these other aspects anyway.


So there, reader. This pretty much sums up the things I have learned from this experience. But then again, no matter how we plan, things are always bound to go wrong so my ultimate advice remains: INVEST IN YOURSELF. You've got to fix those personal issues you got going on as soon as possible so you can learn to face these new problems whole and as ready as you can be. It is only thanks to this that I do not feel ashamed of starting again. Things did not work as originally planned, that's true, but I'm still standing proud because I've learned that my career does not define everything that I am.

***



For further reading, try one of my most well-liked entries about career: "The Right Path"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Why Atheism Makes Me Feel Like Hell

I've been posting blogs about religion for years now, but it is only recently that I've started to actually do something more active about the things that I have learned about it. If you're a Facebook regular, then by now you've already read some of my atheist posts. It was a risky move, I admit, and even then I already anticipated that my posts will not be warmly received. I am going to explain to you here in this post why I cannot keep my mouth zipped shut about it. I am not going to discuss atheism here. I just want the people I care about to understand why I am doing this.

I am going to begin with telling you a bit about how I came to be in this position. I feel the need to explain because I have a hunch that some people misunderstand why I am doing this. I do not aim to persuade you to love and applaud me for what I'm doing. I just want to help you look at this in a manner which is fair and without contempt.

I started posting really hardcore atheistic ideas in Facebook about four months ago, and when I am in that state of mind, I usually post not just one but a chain of posts criticizing religion and the belief in god. I began with posting quotes from some noted atheists. Sometimes I post excerpts from some of their written works. Sometimes I also post my own thoughts on it and I'm telling you, based from the responses, I was not loved for those. Not that it really matters if people like them or not. I do not exist to please everybody.

In the beginning of course, I wasn't so sure about my stand on religion, even if I had already developed the inclination towards atheism when I understood more about the cell in my undergraduate biochemistry class. I really like my biochemistry professor, and she was the reason why I chose biochemistry as my field. But I clearly remember that one time in class when she was discussing metabolism, and she told us that it is amazing - how we were designed by the creator. I distinctly remember knotting my eyebrows and frowning at her at that point. There are two ways one might respond when you understand more about life in the molecular level - either you are amazed on the complexity molecules can achieve or be in awe of that higher being who designed it all.

Then of course, there were those early years when I suffered because of my impending homosexual tendencies. How I tried to suppress it to the cost of the partial destruction of my ego just because I don't want to be downtrodden by society. And when I thought of why society was behaving in such a cruel, unfair manner, all the indications pointed to one culprit - religion. So it was then that I began to question it bit by bit, starting from those religious claims which affect my life directly.

I've already written a number of blogs about my thoughts on religion ("My Revolution", "The Parable of Santa Claus", "Outside the Gates", "To Have Faith Is To Be Blind?", "I Challenge You To Refute This", "A Reason for Religion", "Creation and Creations", "Stand", and "Hell's Glare", which is actually a prayer to God), but the essence of it all is that the god which the Bible depicts does not coincide with all those "good" qualities which I believe a real, loving god should possess. Initially I began to question the Bible version of God, and then later, as I grew more as a scientist (at least, in a personal sense) I questioned the belief in a god altogether.

But in those early stages of my atheism, I still wasn't as vocal about it as I am now. It was because I thought religion was still a good thing for people to have, even if it turned out to be one big lie. I thought that ultimately, it brings out good things in us, especially during Christmas. I thought that somehow, it keeps society in some semblance of order by scaring away criminals with hell and by rewarding kindnesses with heaven. I thought that the priest's homily teaches and reimposes good values on the family. I thought that religion brings unparalleled comfort to the troubled, especially when you have nothing else to cling to. I thought that the idea of seeing all your loved ones again somehow helps people make it through the death of someone dear to you. I thought that yeah, maybe these are all valid reasons enough and I should let religion be.

Until that one fateful time, motivated by seeing the not-so-beneficial effects of religion on the people around me, when I began to really look for more information about criticisms of religion. I stumbled upon this website where I found the very same conclusions I've developed through the years being reported back to me. The sensation I got then was almost akin to winning the lottery. It was like all along I felt I was the sole abomination when the truth is, it was the others who were deluding themselves. On looking back, that realization actually saved me from the depression I was in at the time (which reached its peak in "In Shadow"). It really is like clicking the light on and seeing how things really were. Since then, I've read tens more of different articles arguing for and against the existence of a god, and at some point, after balancing each case without bias, I felt it was reasonable enough for me to take my stand as an atheist.

Now it is a fact that religion does tend to discourage free inquiry not only in science but most especially towards itself. And I suppose that was what pushed me to go public. I just felt that somebody needs to expose these truths about religion. Somebody needs to point out to them (like in "The Emperor's New Clothes") that they are parading without any clothes on. Somebody needs to make them realize the following major points:

(1) That they are deluding themselves (some are sadly, so thoroughly brainwashed that they cannot even entertain the idea in their heads);

(2) That they can get on with their lives and find meaning without the need of that delusion;

(3) That there are many things they do not know about their own religion, most of these understandably will put the religion in bad odor;

(4) That there is the possibility that we are all being duped by some of those who know about sch truths and are in power;

(5) That the Bible is chock full of inconsistencies and that there are controversies about its historicity and accuracy; and lastly

(6) That they cannot claim that theirs is the ONLY truth when they themselves are not very knowledgeable about their own religions.


It was a very risky move to go public since I am aware that most people I know are religious to some degree and I might end up receiving the ire of these people, but I thought that why should I be afraid in the first place when I'm only searching for the truth. I am not doing this just to spread unease or just to prove that I am right and you are wrong. Why should I fucking do that to my friends? I went on with doing this because I believe that my motives are without malice. I went out there by myself (because no one I knew was looking for the truth) and found these information. Now it is up to you to assess these facts I unearthed.

I've had some very fruitful debates on my posts and I'm happy because that is what I was actually encouraging. The not-so-happy thing though, is those debates showed me that apparently, religious people, even the most enthusiastic ones, are not as knowledgeable about their own beliefs as I surmised they would be. They presented me with nothing I haven't read or heard before, and they often failed to reply and stopped the discussion halfway through. I don't know what their reasons were, but it was a shame since who knows, they just might possess the answer which would convince me more about theism (if that was their aim).

This is a careful and narrow path I have to tread because I am scrutinizing a very sensitive topic and I feel that all it takes is one small mistake and I would have seriously offended some of my friends. It is so sensitive that I usually keep quiet about it in the real world, unless they themselves opened it up first. At times, the awkwardness with my friends is so tangible I can almost feel the air thicken when it accidentally comes up. I don't think anyone in their right minds would deliberately welcome hurting your friends, even indirectly, and that is the burden we atheists should carry.

Aside from this, being an atheist is so frustrating because no one would want to hear what you are saying! It's like they are really blocked from receiving information which do not agree with their religion. How can it be this bad? What happened to open-mindedness? Not even my friends who are being trained to be scientists are exempted from this sad fact. I was just thinking that, if I were talking about other stuff - a novel and radical way of cooking for instance - then they would naturally listen to what I say and maybe they'd try it some time. But with religion, that's not even possible, no matter how clearly logical, rational, and sensible my arguments were.

It is very difficult to talk about atheism in my present surroundings without offending people accidentally. I do try to phrase my thoughts the least offensive way I can, but I admit that sometimes I slip because as I said, it feels so frustrating when people refuse to see clearly. Other times I feel the opposite, and I am haunted by the fact that maybe someone out there was hurt by what I said, but still, that does not change the truth in what I wanted to communicate. I trust that those who read my posts are all mature enough to warn me if I'm stepping out of line, deliberately being disrespectful for no reason at all, or when I'm blabbing nonsense.

I still maintain that all of us have the capacity to understand and grasp the reality behind religion. Unlike those in power, I cannot abide keeping these truths about religion hushed up just so people can follow them blindly. I am not giving up in my belief that all of us have the emotional and mental capacity to move forward and take life as it really is, without delusions and false hope.

In the end, I really don't care if everyone ends up judging me as their enemy or being unfriended by all my Facebook contacts (that's their maturity issue, not mine). I firmly believe in the truth of my cause and this cause is so much greater than my own being, I can sacrifice my ego for this. This has progressed from being a simple matter of me being right and you being wrong. This is not a matter of proclaiming to the world that I am more intelligent than you. This is far beyond such possible personal disputes which can arise out of this. (So to those people who question my motives just because it is easier to attack than what I say, please stop because it does not change anything. Think about my posts instead.)

There are times when I really do wonder if I should stop this "campaign" but do you know what keeps me going on at the end of the day? What supersedes all the frustration, all the awkwardness and uneasiness I might have stirred up in me and in the people around me? It's the simple fact that I do care about you. I read somewhere that to atheists (please do not take this negatively), religious people are like people walking around with their fly open. Asking me to stop, or wondering why I can't shut up about religion is for me, the same way as asking me to stop pointing that out to people. I am far from happy that I am the one who need to point that out to you, but would you rather I do nothing and let you possibly embarrass yourselves to other people? You're all my friends, and trust me that it sickens me to bear that responsibility. I'd rather we were all right, and living in harmony, but sadly, that is not the case...

Understand that I don't gain anything from this.

Understand where I'm coming from, and the risk I am taking in pursuing this.

It makes me feel like hell at times, I admit, but someone needs to do something about this.