Idol Ko Si Holden Caulfield (Bakit, May Angal Ka?)

Nakaka-sulasok na minsan. Nakaka-irita. Nakaka-imbyerna dahil heto na naman ako. Madalas naman, alam ko ang mga posibleng mga reaksyon ng mga taong nakakabasa ng mga ihinahayag ko. Pero hindi ko din maipaliwanag nang matino kung bakit. Ang masasabi ko lang ay ganito lang talaga ako. Kailangan ko lang talagang mailabas ang mga ito. Parang tae lang. Kailangan ko lang talagang tumae minsan.

Minsan dumarating lang talaga ako sa puntong pakiramdam ko ay nagpupumiglas mula sa akin ang espiritu ng kaartehan. Gustong kumawala ang frustrated na artist an hindi ko inakalang meron ako in the first place. Frustrated writer. Frustrated producer. Frustrated director. Frustrated photographer. Frustrated philosopher.

Nakakasuka na. Minsan ayoko na din talaga. Pero kusa naman siyang dumarating at kung hindi ko siya ilalabas ay mawawalan ako ng bait. Kailangan ko itong i-tae. Paunti-unti.

Na-iirita ako dahil madalas akong nagmumukhang vainglorious cyber bastard without meaning to be one. Gusto ko sabihing hindi porke't sobrang aware ako sa sarili ko at sobrang acute ng perception ko minsan sa bawat detalye ng feelings ko ay sobrang egocentric ko na. Well, baka nga. At pawang pag-jujustify lang ang buong walang kwentang blog na ito. Malay ko. Wala naman akong pakialam dun. At dahil din sa kamanghaan ko sa mga ganitong bagay ay ninanais ko silang ibahagi. Para lang may nakita akong rainbow tapos sinasabi ko lang na "Uy amazing o, tingnan niyo." Ang punto ay ang rainbow. Hindi ako, bilang nakakita ng rainbow.

Minsan, as in, gusto ko nang maging anonymous. Dahil kasi nakukulayan na masyado lahat nang sabihin ko dahil lang ako ang nagsabi. Bago ko pa ibuka ang bibig ko, yung iba, may judgment na agad. Naiintindihan ko naman. Sa tingin ko lang mas magiging effective siguro akong catalyst kung hindi alam ng mga nakakarinig sa akin na ako ang nagsasalita. Para hindi na naman nila isiping kabastusan na naman iyan. Ka-emohan. Kawalang galang sa diyos. Or just plain ol' bullshit.

Nakakapagod maging ganito. Nakakapagod maging self-proclaimed hero of real life. Kung pwede lang ikimkim lahat nang natutunan ko sa akin lang at hayaan ko kayong magkadausdos sa mga pagkakamaling mapipigilan ko sana. Kung puwede lang akong maging truly selfish minsan, yung walang pakialam talaga sa world, siguro gagawin ko yun. Pero hindi eh. Parang ganito na talaga ako.

"Oo!" narinig ko ang paghuhumiyaw ng iba. "Oo manahimik ka nang gago ka!" salmo ng iba. Pero puta parang hindi ko kasi kaya. As in. Siguro kailangan mong sumapi sa akin para maintindihan mo ang kalagayan ko. Kailangan ko ito. Hindi lang ito kaartehan. Hindi lang ito pagpapakitang-tao.

Argh! Hindi ko alam! Nakaka-bwisit. Nakakapagod. Para lang 'tong klase eh. Sobrang na-strestress ako sa mga students ko. Kasi masyado akong nag-aalala kapag mabababa grades nila. E kung pwede naman akong magwalang pakialam sana. Yung walang emotional na hugot.

Pwe! Walang kuwenta. Nakaka-sulasok at sinayang ko lang ang oras mo sa pagbasa nito. Oo alam ko, ang sarap ko sapakin minsan. At ginagawa ko yun like now na, figuratively.

Sana minsan wala na lang akong pakiramdam. Sana minsan wala na lang akong pakialam.

Nakakapagod. Nakakapagod kasi.

My Malayogenic Love

Ako ay tumitingin kapag hindi ka nakatingin
Mula sa puwesto ko sa gilid, leeg ko ay namimilipit
Madampian man lang saglit, ng aking mga matang sabik
Kahit na ang iyong batok, sapat na sa puso kong hayok

Hindi mo ba napapansin na hindi kita pinapansin?

Pagkaharap patay malisya, pero pagtalikod bumebengga

Ayoko lang mahalata, mahirap na kapag nawala

Minsan lamang kiligin, sapagkat ako ay mahiyain

Sa ginagawa kong ito, iisipin mong ako'y santo
Na walang kamalay-malay, sa mundo nating tago ang halay
Naku hindi mo lang alam, panaghoy ng aking nakaraan
Kaya ngayon diwa'y hapo, kung saan-saan na lamang dumadapo

Ayos na akong nandyan ka lang, di mayakap o mahawakan

Mga puwang ay di mapupunan, mga blanko'y di makukulayan

Mas okay ang mag-ilusyon dahil sa aking imahinasyon

Mailalapat ko sa iyong pagkatao, ano man ang naisin ko

Kapag ikaw ay nakilala, maglalahong parang bula
Ang mga pangarap kong sa iyo lamang nagkakatotoo
Ayoko nang maramdaman ang masakit na katotohanan
Na hindi ka nararapat, tunay na ikaw ay hindi sapat

Unti-unti kong natatanggap, na hindi ko na mahahanap

Ang kahati ng aking puso, ang sagot sa aking panibugho

Kaya huwag ka na sanang lumapit, agwat nati'y aking ipipilit

Dahil kapag hindi ko nalaman, ang kuwento natin ay walang

katapusan

Circling the Abyss

Ma'am Elma's passing has jolted in me a thought we've always had wrapped up tightly in our heads. We confine it there because we are so very afraid of it. But everytime someone dear to us dies, this thought rears its ugly head out of its shackles and for that brief moment, we have no choice but to acknowledge it. We have no choice but to face it - a reminder that we, too, will die. We too, in time, will have to face our own annihilation. Most days, we do not think of it. Most days pass with us living as if we will never die. Most days, we become too trapped in mundane things - our job, how we look, money, our relationships. But when someone dies, we are slapped in the face about how petty our priorities are, how silly we've been living our lives.

It makes me feel cold. It makes me want to scream and run madly and hide in a dark corner. It is not only death, really, but the questions it inevitably raises along with it. Questions about the meaning of our existence. Questions about whether there is life after death. Questions about the purpose of life. But more than these, I am afraid of facing that truth, when the people close to my heart, they will be gone. Never to see them again. Never to hear them talk. Never to hug them again. Or at the least, for the people who were not really that close to us, never to have that comfort that they still exist there somewhere. Out of sight maybe. Out of hearing. But that they still exist, still doing the same things they have always done when we were with them.

It is the promise of life after death that makes religion so attractive and essential to most human beings. This is one of the reasons why very few have gathered enough courage to question this promise that religion claims. It is easier to be comforted that when our loved ones die, we will see them again in heaven. That our existence in this world is but temporary. That our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes - these will not go away. We will go on being who we are. But I know that even some of the religious do not fully believe in this. That in the end, no one really knows if your religion will make good about its claims. Deep inside these people, there is still that doubt. But for most, it is better to have something to hold on to than have nothing at all. And this is one of the reasons why on very rare occasions, I let religion slide by. Some people are just not prepared enough to accept that there is a very large possibility that their lives are hinged on false hope.

But no matter what your beliefs are, I think that we all have to agree that we do have to make the most out of this earthly existence. It was a slow process for me, coming to this conclusion. I myself was not brave enough to tackle death head on and my philosophies on this developed as mostly side reactions of my ruminations on life and love. It is this realization that made me more adventurous when it came to my life. I wanted to feel it all since who knows, I might never get a second chance. I wanted to explore. It made me more reckless. It made me push myself out my comfort zone and really feel what being alive really means.

But the bigger realization came to me when I learned to accept that my existence in this world has no supernatural connections. Many find comfort, believing that we are here for a reason, predetermined by a deity. It makes us feel important. It gives our lives purpose. But when I have slowly accepted that these were merely comforting ideas propagated by religion for its own agenda and not really based on any evidence at all, I began to face the truth that it is I who must give meaning to my life. Not the church. Not the Bible. Not god. It is I who must find my own purpose. And this is what got me started on my existential quests. I used to be limited to dwelling on personal issues - my feelings, my insecurities, my sexuality. But when I've dissipated the supernatural fog which only confused and blinded me, I began to really see what I must do with my life.

I began to see that since I was given the opportunity (in an evolutionary sense) to exist in this world, I might as well use my life to help humanity move forward. I might as well do something good not only for the immediate people around me, but for everything in this planet, not only to my fellow humans. I accept that I am but an organism which is a part of a whole, and instead of focusing on things which will only benefit me in the long run, I should focus instead on things which will benefit many. I chose this as my purpose. I chose this as my guiding principle. And I was surprised that I did not have to force myself into following this. It felt only right for me to do the things which are right. I did not need to be rewarded for these, like some who do good in the hopes of ending up in heaven. Like all atheists, I understood that we must do good for goodness' sake. Just that.

And I suppose that in this light, you will now understand why I am living my life in this passionately loud way. I wanted to grow laterally, not selfishly vertically. I wanted to touch as many lives as I can. I wanted to share what helpful life experiences I can because I want us all to move forward. I wanted to remind people that this life is too short to focus only on ourselves. I wanted to tell people that more than money and career, we must find meaning and the happiness that we can. That we must reach out to others, in any small way that we can.

Sooner or later, I am going to die. I might die in an accident tomorrow. I might suddenly be diagnosed with a fatal disease. I do not know. But what I do know is that even if I die, I will be comforted that I was at least, able to make the most out of my life. That I did not allow myself to be limited by the chances immediately available around me. That I was able to share my life with others. That I was able to enrich the lives of others through my teachings, whether they be academic or not. That somehow, even if I know that my overall contribution to humanity might be minuscule, at least I did something.

When I'm gone, I want to live through the memories of the people who I've been with. I want them to think of me as if I still exist out there somewhere. Unseen maybe. Unheard. But somewhere in their minds, there I am still blogging. Still making albums. Still being weird. Still being me. That is how I live when I'm dead.

I live my life like I can die anytime. I live my life like my death is final. This is why I post Facebook statuses and share experiences as if there's no tomorrow. It doesn't make me less afraid of my death though since I know that I can never really say for sure how I will be feeling when my time is up but no matter how I feel, in the end, people can say with conviction that here lies a man who lived.

Cool Cigarettes

Hug knees

Perch bed
Dim lights

Calm down

TV on
Towel out

Sheets in

Phone up

Ding dong

Peep hole
Deep breath
Door knob

See you

See me

Slow smile
Small talk

Hug me

Hug you

Kiss me

Kiss you

Shirt off
Feel you

Pants off

Feel you

Lie still

Hold me

 Speed up

Slow down

Feel warm

Your breath

Feel cold
My skin

Bed creaks

Sweat drops

Smoke swirls

Night fades

No choice
Gay life
Need to
Have to

One more

Encore

Again

Again 

Close door

Farewell

Hug knees

Perch bed

A Meaning To Learning

There are many things that I still don't know, and there are some which I do. I'm not really sure whether the things I've learned so far are facts applicable to all, but maybe it is safe to claim that I am catching glimmers of it at least. And so in the interest of spreading knowledge (as has always been the case with this blog), I am sharing with you the few new things I have learned about career. And life. In general.

I believe that there are people like me who have reached the point when they have to know the meaning and purpose of what they are doing before they do them. In school, we have been trained to just sit back and listen and just accept things as they are. It's true that, of course, we can ask questions, but mostly these questions are limited to academic ones. Inquiries about why we are studying are not usually emphasized by most teachers. Not that they do not have answers to them, but mostly because they deem these irrelevant. In school, we have to trust that our teachers know what they are doing to us. That they know that these things will be relevant to our lives in one way or another. I'm not talking about questioning whether the knowledge will be helpful. I'm referring to the deeper ones - those about meaning and the ultimate purpose of all these.

I have been exposed to this scenario longer than most of my peers since I worked in the academe and because I spent six years in graduate school. So you can say that in my environment, the distinction between getting ahead in your career and getting ahead in school has somewhat been blurred. In fact, I'm not even sure if some of my colleagues are aware of this or consider the why's important. From what I observed, a very few have had trouble questioning whether what they are doing or what they are being trained for agree with what they really want to be. Mostly, they just go with whatever is asked of them. Or maybe, if they're having trouble reconciling these things, they keep it to themselves, which is unwise, in my opinion.

Now here is where the trouble arises - not all of us currently in the field really want to become scientists. In my case, it's not mere aversion to the vocation. Being a scientist is one of the most noble and worthy occupations I can think of, secondary to being a teacher. I cannot imagine why I wouldn't want to be one, if I just look at what it means to be one. But when I learned more of what it takes and what the process of being a scientist really asks of you, I lost heart. Add to this the fact of being surrounded by professors who seem to make it a point to make that upward climb even more unreasonably difficult for you. I wish they understood more that what makes us quit is not the difficulty, but because of how unsupportive and discouraging some of them are.

Anyway, given all these, the scientific environment (the one I'm in, at least) appears to be not conducive to people like me who need help understanding why we are all doing this. I'm not sure I can blame them or being like that since most of the time, to me, they seem lost in a different and almost theoretical world where all that matters are publications and grants and tenures and just gaining knowledge. All they thought of were the requirements to be a scientist, and woe unto the weaklings like us who need to be motivated to move forward in this path. I am admitting though that it is my weakness that these things need to be explained to me since I couldn't figure them out on my own. It is just sad that they do not understand that people like me do exist. I think they assumed that all of us had figured this when we were younger, like we weren't burdened by other meaningful quests such as finding your own identity.

It took me a year to do that figuring out on my own. It was not an easy process and I have gotten myself trapped many times in my own circular arguments, but I am still thankful because it helped me understand a lot about being a scientist. The past year made me understand that for me to function, I need to do things for my own reasons and not the reasons why the others are doing it.

As I mentioned in the first paragraph, there are some things that I do know, and one of them is that whatever my chosen vocation is, it should have meaning, and the bigger its meaning is, the better it is for me. Unluckily, I am one of those who are just not motivated by money, and that is why I pan over those friends who seduce me into becoming a rich bastard. I need meaning, and I am just grateful that somehow I ended up working in the academe (which wasn't my original plan since I had none in the first place). Education is, I believe, the number one priority our society should focus on, and this is what keeps me teaching. It places me in a powerful position, and I am going to use that to help the world move forward.

But then I realized that this is simply not enough. If I were to really want to help change the world, I must be in an even more influential position. That I can make a bigger change if I were higher up there and to do this, I must get a higher degree.

Also, I get scared about not being able to improve myself mentally, and there might be a time when studying about this and that on my own may not be enough to keep my mind sharp. So I must study. I must utilize what I have to the fullest. It will be like cheating if I don't become the best I can be. Not for me, not for money. But for the world.

It is this latter point that really pushed me towards claiming that PhD. Not because of my own desires but because the world needs me to be one. Everyday, I commute on my way to school and I encounter all these people on the streets. Corruption in the news, the lack of academic progress. The youth blabbing about stuff which will only pull their IQ's lower. They make me realize that not everyone is cut out to fill a higher place in our society. And if I were to help improve their intellect, I must be an example myself. I must aim to be higher, not for personal gain, but because the world needs more people like me.

I hope that this will remind my peers who are already well on their way to getting their PhD's about the other responsibilities that goes with the higher positions they are aiming for. We do not exist in this world merely to improve ourselves. We must give back to society. We must work together to eradicate ignorance. It is all very well to do things for science's sake, but we must keep in mind, always, that we are doing this as a service to humanity.

Imagine that time when the youth will be talking about progresses in science instead of what's happening in PBB. Imagine that time when college students will line up choosing science courses because they want to enlarge our body of knowledge instead of choosing courses just because they are financially rewarding. We can make this happen together. So if I need to get my PhD just to be part of this pioneer group, count me in!

The time for selfishness has passed. The time for passive complaining about the government is nearing its end. It will be our turn next and we have to prepare to take our places. We must make an end to the personal issues inhibiting us to be the best we can be. Focus on those things now so we can move forward to the next target. The world is ours and it will be on our shoulders soon. We cannot afford to limit ourselves to what works for us. The next level is to find out what works best for all of us here in this planet.

21st Century Whore

Hey put the lights on me please
'Cause I'mma start my striptease

Make me glow in soft yellow

Because I'm gonna start mellow

Strutting to the center stage

As I start on another page

Which juicy secret to divulge?

Which fancy thought must I indulge?

I need some scandal, make it quick

Some filth, some dirty little trick

I need to bask in adulation

Love and hate and adoration

Which must I serve from my thought cauldron?

Have you a taste for some rebellion?

Lambast some social institution

With choicest verbal ammunition

Or perhaps you have a craving

For a tale of love and longing

Served with despair and a dash of irony

Washed down with salty tears aplenty

Now for dessert, nothing is better

Than sweaty bodies on a platter

Come closer dear, taste naked skin

There's nothing better than secret sin

Oh there's just nothing I wouldn't do

To steal your eyes and keep them glued

Foment more rumors, stir more gossip

To sear my name on every lip

'Cause I'm your 21st century whore

Spotlights and hot seats I adore

Who cares if I'm on a downward spiral

So long as my story becomes viral

They say I'm the fool with no ambition

Trapped in a life with no real traction

But they don't know that my real mission

Is to be the center of attention

Occasus Oculus

I'm looking for that guy who will give me the right answer when I ask him, "What do you know?" Not that guy who will spout to me his academic achievements. Not that guy who will argue with me about the meaning of my question, and who will demand the definition of every single word. I want that guy who will look me in the eye, who will give me this knowing look, and who will sadly answer "Not very much."

I'm looking for that guy who I can spend silent afternoons with. That guy who can look up at the sky and smile and be amused simply by the color of it. That guy who can find happiness at the way the wind caresses his face. That guy who can hold my hand and watch a sunset with me and who can tell me that it is beautiful, but the sunset reflected in my eyes is even more so.

I'm looking for that guy who I can take with me to the deeps and to the heavens. That guy who can drift with me even when I am at my most philosophical. That guy who will contest my ideas or contribute to them with equal fervor. That guy who will expand my palette of words and who will keep me running, just so I can keep up with the images he can paint with his prose. I want that guy who will be my other wing - together, we can fly.

I'm looking for that guy who can distinguish between sex and making love. That guy who knows when to look at me in the eye and when to close them when we're in bed. That guy who knows that what happens before and after is as important as what goes on during it. That guy who understands my body, as I understand his. I want that guy who wants to make love with me not just because of how I look but because it is me.

I'm looking for that guy who knows his own worth. That guy who will not put me on a pedestal or who will elevate himself on one. That guy who can stand up to what he wants yet is sensitive to mine. That guy who understands that in a relationship, arguments are important not only for our personal growths but for us to grow together. I want that guy who will treat me as his equal, nothing more and nothing less.

Oh there are many things I'm looking for and I've looked high and low. Maybe one or two came close, but I had to let them go. They may have had what I'm looking for but I didn't feel that I deserve them. I myself am wracked with doubts, that maybe I'm not good enough to ask for these. But maybe that's the last thing I'm looking for - that man who will make me feel that I deserve all of these.

Yun

Alam mo yung umiiyak ka kasi naalala mo siya tapos kumakain ka ng chocolate kasi sabi nila magpapasaya sa iyo yun pero wala pa ding effect tapos sige kain ka pa din nang kain kasi yun na lang naman ang magagawa mo. Tapos sige kain lang, hanggang mapatakan na ng luha mo yung chocolate tapos alam mong mukha ka nang tanga pero wala ka naman nang pakialam kasi mahal mo pa din siya.

Yung umiiyak ka kasi gusto mo na naman talaga siyang makalimutan. Yung sinulatan mo na siya nang lasing ka. Yung sinulatan mo na siya nang mahinahon ka. Yung sinulatan mo na siya nang malinaw ang pag-iisip mo at walang bitterness. Tapos makalipas ang ilang buwan parang hindi mo naman siya nasulatan kasi wala din namang pagbabago sa nararamdaman mo. Tapos marerealize mo na kung hindi ka pa talaga over, hindi ka pa talaga over kahit ano pang gawin mo.

Alam mo yung kahit saan nakikita mo siya? Sa bus, sa MRT, sa kalsada andun siya. Yung iba siguro dun kamukha lang niya pero everytime pa din bibilis yung tibok ng puso mo. Mapapahabol ka. Mapapabalik ka. Mapapa-isip ka agad ng mga sasabihin. "Huy", "Teka lang", "Kamusta?", "Kilala mo pa ba ako?" tapos mag-iilusyon ka kung paano kayo magkakape at mag-uusap. Tapos hahawakan mo yung kamay niya tapos parang kayo na ulit na parang walang nangyari. Na parang walang lumipas na tatlong taon simula nung nag-break kayo.

Alam mo yung pupuntahan mo yung Facebook profile niya every now and then? Kahit na wala ka namang nakikita dun kundi yung picture niya at ilang info na alam mo na. Tapos kahit picture niya dun hindi mo matingnan kasi ewan mo ba... Kasi parang nakakaiyak eh. Ewan mo ba.

Alam mo yung parang tanga ka lang na magsusulat sa blog mo tungkol sa kanya? Kahit na alam mong hindi naman niya mababasa yun. Kahit na magmumukha ka lang nakakairitiang weakling o emo sa mga kaibigan mo pero sulat ka pa din kasi wala ka na naman kasing magagawa pa? Kasi tanga ka at pinakawalan mo siya? Kasi umaasa ka pa di na malay mo, alam niya pala blog mo. Na malay mo mahal ka pa din niya. Pero tatlong taon na at wala pa din siya? Hindi ba kung meron pa din, may nangyari na siguro? Tapos alam mo yung feeling na habang sinusulat mo ito, narerealize mong baka tapos na nga talaga kayo. Na wala na siya. Na wala ka nang baby. Na yun, lahat nang yun, yung mga pinagsamahan niyo ay tapos na. Na kailangan mo na siyang pakawalan talaga.

Tapos magmamatigas ka na e ano ngayon kung hindi niya na ako mahal? E ano ngayon? Yun ba ang punto nang pagmamahal? Ang ma-reciprocate ang feelings mo? Pwede namang magmahal ka lang ah. Yun na yun. Yun na yun kahit na meron na siyang iba. Kahit na galit man siya sa iyo o wala nang pakialam. Wala kang pakialam. Basta mahal mo pa din siya yun na yun.

Yun na yun. Yun lang yun.