Secretly

BABALA: MAAARING HINDI ANGKOP SA MGA BATA.

***

Secretly, gusto ko maging pokpok.

Gusto ko maging kaladkarin. Gusto ko kalabitin. Gusto ko maging kabit.

Gusto ko yung hihilahin na lang ako kung saan-saan tapos isusulasok nila yung kamay nila sa kung saan-saan. Gusto ko yung ipapader nila ako tapos wala na akong magagawa. Gusto ko maging mahina. Gusto ko maging biktima at ma-puwersa. Gusto ko yung wala akong kawala.

Gusto ko yung tipong mayuyurak ang aking pagkatao. Gusto ko yung pagkatapos akong gamitin, pupulutin ko ang sarili ko mula sa sahig. Nakatulala lang at walang nakikita.

Yes... Secretly, gusto ko maging pokpok.

Kasi kapag ganun, namamatay ang iyong emosyon. Kapag ganun, namamatay din ang iyong utak. Laman lang talaga. Laman. Kahayukan. Libog. Laswa. Walang konsepto ng romansa. Walang dignidad. Walang respeto. Mga hayop lang kayo. Kahayupan lang ang umiiral.

Sinubukan ko din naman. Tiningnan ko kung kaya ko. Fully-booked ang weekend. Sunod-sunod, nakapila. Laway ng isa ipapasa ko sa iba. Halo-halong pawis sa kumot. Ang mga amoy nila sa katawan ko. Iba-ibang body parts, iba-ibang pabango. Puyat palagi. Ngalay na. Masakit na. Maga na. Manhid na. Laspag kung laspag.

Siguro kasi, gusto ko lang may maka-tagos sa akin. May makapasok. Minsan, ang tataas na ng mga pader ko, na kahit ako hindi na makalabas. Kaya pinapa-uga ko lang sa kanila. Uga lang nang uga. Malay mo, may makasira. Malay mo, makawala din ako.

Pero mali pa din ito, kasi may dahilan pa din ako. Dapat wala. Dapat basta lang talaga.

Ganun sila eh, ang mga pokpok. Ganun sila.

Paano kaya ang mabuhay nang walang dahilan?

Gusto ko lang naman malaman. Gusto ko lang maintindihan. Yun lang.

Kaya yes, secretly, gusto ko maging pokpok.

Ikaw, gusto mo?

To Be A Seed

Just a few hours ago, my boss showed me the letter she will send to the HR Department, asking for an extension of my contract in the university. If things go well, and my return to UP as a graduate student will be accepted, I will finally be able to snag my long postponed MS degree. It makes me so friggin' nervous! I've been stagnant for the past two years, practically doing nothing at all for my career advancement, and I suppose the universe got sick of it and has finally moved to take me along to land me somewhere longer lasting.

I never thought I'd ever say this, but coming back to school had never made me feel this nervous. Two years were enough for me to get over my shock. Two years I've waited for my wounds to heal and get over the trauma of my demise from my beloved home university. Now I'm set and I'm ready to go. I'm ready to fly high again and prove those who turned me down that I wasn't the lost cause they judged me to be. Now another university has embraced me. Another university made me feel needed and loved like never before and now it's high time I return their care. I'm going to give it back and I'm going to do my best to make AdU one of the best chemistry schools in the country!

In UP, all the politicking and backbiting had caused some terrible issues which led to the disillusionment of me and some of my colleagues there. It's true that most of them are excellent in their respective fields. They are some of the best scientists this country has to offer. Everyone is really smart. Everyone thinks they know what is best. But unfortunately, they are not perfect, and they had neglected some important aspects in managing their graduate students and instructors. From them, I've learned that excellence can only get you so far. In the end, I realized that I'd rather work somewhere I feel loved and where people has genuine concern for me than somewhere on the cutting-edge of things but lacks the heart to care.

Now I know that it's not really very nice of me to say bad things about my former workplace. Just because they were not nice to me towards the end should not mean that I should return the favor. I suppose I am only airing out the sentiments of those who are dissatisfied with the system, and if they are reading this then maybe they can prove me wrong by working on these problems I have identified. I mean, I was probably one of the most dedicated instructors there and yet I wasn't even treated with a semblance of gratitude. I would have loved to stay there with them, and I've made this clear with my superiors, but it never made any difference. The best thing I can say though is that even if I'm gone, I know they will be able to manage things there. They will do well on their own and they don't need me. And that's okay, of course.

But here in my new workplace, I have a niche. There are opportunities for improvement. Almost, it is like the bosses here are giving me the authority to really make a difference. Even if I am quite new here, they recognize my abilities, and they are willing to give my plans the go signal. I have long dreamed of founding my own school and I suppose "adopting" AdU is the next best thing to that. If I choose to stay here, I know that I will be the bomb. I will improve the system. I will make the course attractive and competitive with other universities. I will further improve my teaching skills. I will make our department the best one in the university. I am willing to work my ass off to make our department the best that I can make it to be!

I know that I've always been more of an educator than a researcher. I admit that I am not very good with all the planning, the contacts, the sheer effort of conducting a research. I am very poor with organizing stuff, and the fruits of research, though noble and laudable, really do not affect me in the same way as a student thanking me because she learned something new. For me, there's nothing like whipping the class into a learning frenzy. There's nothing like touching lives and changing them for the better. My heart and passion are into education and this is where I belong. This is where I can make a bigger impact.

In the same way that I acknowledge my deficient research skills, I also humbly (choz!) recognize that I am probably one of the best chemistry teachers there is. My evaluation has never failed to prove this. And I think I do well in this because I really want my students to learn. It's that simple. Although my communication skills probably play a big part as well. My ability to look at the topic from the student's perspective. My ability to relate to them. All these, I suppose, had been crucial to my relative success. At the moment, actually, I am not exerting much of an effort when I teach. I do prepare, of course, but mostly what happens is spontaneous. What more can I achieve if I really set my mind into doing this? How much more can I contribute to chemistry education if I give this my all?

I am thankful to UP for training me this well. My interactions with the professors there, the knowledge they bestowed, the huge tasks they used to assign to me - these gave me the skills I needed to do well in my field. A great way to return the favor would have been to give it back by working for them. But since I'm denied that now, what I can do instead is to source that excellence out and spread it to others. I used to be a leaf, a part of UP's tree. But I've fallen and I've been cast down. And instead of doing nothing by withering away, I will transform myself into a seed from which a new tree will grow. I will dedicate my life into this task. And maybe one day, my tree will equal the tree from which I came from.

For once, I've never seen my career path to be clearer. The dust is settling down and I think I'm ready to take this road being offered to me. Two years is enough time for moping. Now I'm stepping forward. I'm bringing awesome back into my life and in doing so, I will be able to share this awesomeness to others.

You wait, world. I'm back in this game!

Still It Is Mine

I woke up
To silence this morning
My hand reached out
And found nothing but the cold
A sleep without comfort
A bed without warmth
Still it is mine
Still it is mine

Riding on the bus
On my way to work
I reached for my pocket
To look at my phone
A screen void of greetings
An inbox without your name
Still it is mine
Still it is mine

On my way home
I took a detour
To rest my weary head
On the shoulder of a stranger
Lust without affection
Intimacy without reason
Still it is mine
Still it is mine

On my way home
I let the wind touch my face
I asked the sky
"Was it all just a lie?"
You said that you were different
"Was it all just a lie?"
I said that it must end
"Was it all just a lie?"

A song without a melody
A name without a memory
A pain without a bite
A laugh without a smile
A riddle without a clue
An end without you
Still it is mine
 
Still
It is mine

The Last Paper Plane

I am trying to convince myself that I should be sad, now that it (whatever it was) is over. Other times, perhaps, I would have felt the need to be alone. I would have left this house immediately to have coffee outside. To smoke and to think. To grieve, and to be left alone with my thoughts. I should have done that. But I'm staying put in here because I've seen this coming. And I am prepared.

It was my fault, mostly. Because last year, when we were still dating, a small part of my mind was already aware that it wasn't really you that I like. It was only the feeling of chasing after someone that I wanted. I was only testing myself whether I can still feel. And now that I know the answer, the need to be with you has lost its purpose. It would have been sick of me, being like that, if it turned out that you can see yourself staying with me for long. Lucky for me that you don't. The moment you told me of that, I was relieved of this burden. It worked out for the best. For both of us.

From your actions, you've made it quite clear that you care about me. You always ask how I'm doing. And even during the days when I've given us up for good, it was you who called me. And I won't be a hypocrite to deny that I was happy you did. I was touched. But that does not change the fact that even during those days, I was already ready to leave. I was already gone then, actually. But despite that, if you're going to ask me if I'm okay now, I will say no. I'm surprised, but I'm happy that I am not as heartless as I believed myself to be. I'm fine, but I'm not completely okay. Otherwise, I wouldn't be inspired enough to write here.

I remember that moment when I was sitting in your living room. We were talking, and I realized that I couldn't be myself when I'm with you. In a way, I was only acting as if I was that person you thought you knew. I was holding back because it was apparent that once I've let go of this mask, you wouldn't be able to handle me. Not that it was something I should expect from you, given that we are not officially together. But if we did get together, then I must be able to completely be myself. And I felt that if we are going to be together, then most (if not all) of the conversation will be centered on your interests. Most of the effort to make the relationship work will be on you and for you.

Perhaps if I were completely devoted to making us work, I wouldn't have been daunted by that. I've made a lot of effort, and you appreciate me for the things I did. But then, I realized that sadly, you were not worthy enough for all of these. I realized that I cannot be selfless. The time will come when it will be me who will need something from you and I knew that you wouldn't be able to give me what I need. Not that it's really your fault because they are really very few - those who can ride the waves with me. I can count them with the fingers of one hand.

I will miss those days, being with you. I will miss our Gateway movie dates. I will miss waking up on your bed. I will miss those days visiting you there when you were sick. I will miss shopping for fruits. I will miss those lazy days in your house. I will miss the hugs and the kisses. I never expected to get this far with you. I suppose we were both surprised we lasted for weeks. The magic may be gone, but I suppose we could have worked it out and maybe tried again. I know that with a little more effort from me, we could have lasted longer. But when I saw you the other day, I knew that my feelings were gone for good. My trust was gone, and when that goes, it will be very hard to earn it back.

I know that there would never be a perfect guy for me. I know that very well. I know that I couldn't expect much since there is only so much I can offer and that I don't really have much to "trade" with. Again, maybe we could still have salvaged this. Maybe you'd be willing, but I know that it has to be me who must try harder. And at this point, I can't. I have nothing left to give. At this point, it is you who must give me something and you can't. You tried and it wasn't enough. And that's okay. There is only so much happiness I can receive.

Now I hope you're going to take care of Snow though I'm not sure what you are going to do with him. You can throw him away if you feel like it. You have my permission. I'm not that sentimental anyway.

I don't want you to think that I will be devastated by this. I don't want you to think that I will be bitter. Because the truth is, you underestimated me. The worst thing that you said was that you were only being careful with me because you do not want to let me think I did something wrong. But I am much better than that. I would have preferred the honesty. It is completely without emotion if I say that you never really knew who I am. It is sweet of you to tell me that I'm not really like this, as if you had the opportunity to really get to know me. It isn't your fault. I sorta faked it. And I'm sorry. But even so, the happiness I felt when I was with you was real. For a while, you were the reason for me to go on. For a while, you were almost my everything.

I have learned what I needed to learn from this. That I am still capable of being happy in a romantic way. That the gears of my heart were only rusty, and not dysfunctional as I once thought. But I've also learned that I cannot love completely anymore. I can make the first moves, but I can only go so far. It's not being emo, but I've been too broken for such things now. I need to be saved, and I will keep this in mind the next time I decide to dabble in these things again.

Farewell, then. It was great while it lasted. I wish you well. Thank you for the effort.

Electrique Electrifies With Its 29th Album, "Electric Dreams"

My dearest friends,

Here I am again, being manipulated by my artsy self to scratch on your doors for the umpteenth time to offer some fresh hip music I've compiled. And this time, I am dedicating the whole album to you!

Yes, finally, I've come to my senses long enough to finally recognize my friends who have been with me since the beginning. I'm aware that I've been finding myself down in the dumps more and more often recently, and when I'm at my worst, I gain enough lucidity to acknowledge that it is my friends who tirelessly push me up until I can be trusted to stand on my own again. So thanks to you, I am still alive. Thanks to you, I'm already at my 29th album!

I've always wanted to make a dreamy-sounding album. You know that feeling of wonder you get when you're watching something fascinating? Like a heart-tugging scene in a movie or when you're watching a fireworks display? Yes, I've always wanted to encapsulate that feeling into an album. And with my limited skills, this is the closest I can come to capturing that.

This is an upbeat electropop album, although not danceable. If you've listened to my hardcore cold synth album "Drifter", then you can consider this album to be its sunshinier cousin. Not that they sound very similar since I avoid repeating my themes and sounds but that's the closest comparison I can make.

I like this album. A lot. At its shallowest, this album makes me smile. At its deepest, this album makes images flash in my mind. Images of happy moments, wondrous moments. Moments which make me run in the mouth and say "OMFG is this really happening this f**king sounds so good I think I'm gonna cry." These songs make me feel like I'm floating. And not in a lost, "Head in the Clouds" way, mind.

Speaking of my previous album, "Electric Dreams" is, in a way, an odd sequel to the theme I've been building. "Head in the Clouds," through its ruminations and escapism, ends with an acceptance, and "Electric Dreams" extends that fulfillment to others - the people around me. Unlike that previous album though, this doesn't focus very much on me, but on us. Me and you. Together. More of you actually.

It doesn't take too long into the album to grasp what it really is about, and the reason for its title will reveal to be self-explanatory. Now I know that friendship may sound like a very cliched theme for an album, and many might be turned off by it. But I've been careful with the songs I picked here and I've engineered the sequence so that each song will be at its most effective. There is a plot to the songs in here (hard to believe, but there is an emotional progression) and the lyrics, though mild as milk, are clever and imaginative.

This album is safe. It is easily likeable. It has been a very long time since I've compiled a completely feel-good album (the last was 2010's "808") and you can see here how much I've improved since then. I've proved here that I can be fun without being cheap. I can be happy without being shallow.

Now I hope, with all these introductions, I've primed you enough to want to listen to it, right? So let's smile and celebrate for this is about us! A thank you gift for everything that you've done for me. Just click the link below:

ELECTRIC DREAMS

Until the next album (which might come really soon)!


P.S.
A DELUXE version of this album will be released this March. For my students who will be graduating soon.

Just One Drink

Just this morning, I... I thought I've finally found the answer. The answer to why I should live.

And moments like that, when they come at you, you don't just say "Ok." They take a while to settle. You need to smoke some cigs while you mull it over in your head. You need to wallow in it a bit. And so that was what I did. It was early in the morning, very early, around 3. And I felt so intense I just had to pace a bit in our living room.

And the answer I found was that I should live to help the others really live. That the things I've understood must not go to waste. It must not end with my death. What I've found, it must be shared. My life had been pushing me to become the center of a rebellion. A rallying point. A catalyst of change. I did not really ask for it but there it came and here it is and I might as well go on and see it through the end. Live it through and see what will come out of this. Not everyone can take this place. Not everyone can grow into it. So I might as well step up to the role.

That very few can see the world without bias and accept it for what it really is. That very few are willing to sacrifice their selfishness for the benefit of all. That very few are willing to take the first steps to really fight for freedom and equality. There are already very few of us and if I die, who will this world have left? I must live. I must see it through. I must do my part. I only have a limited time in this world so I might as well spend it meaningfully. And what ca be more meaningful than to help others find meaning? How it all fits. How it was as clear as day, this morning, while I was pacing in my living room.

But just this evening, on my way back from work - tired, my feet sore, stuck in traffic. This evening, with my head leaning on the window, this cloud of dark thoughts formed over my head. That yeah, the things I realized this morning may have been right, but is this world really worth it? And then I thought of how unfairly this world had treated me. How silly most people are. How stupid. How incapable. Is this world worthy? I'm going to burn my life away for these people around me? And I answered with "No. Hell no."

Because I'm tired. I just want things to stop for a bit. I just want to stop working for a bit. I just want to catch my breath. But my parents are incapable. The rest of my family is incapable. I must keep running and I'm tired. Just one year. Just a few months? I'm tired and I deserve a break. I just want to fall by the wayside. There was this one guy I thought I can lean my head on for a bit. But I think he doesn't want me like that. They all need just this one thing from me and he's only going to use me up till I'm dry. Now I'm done. I want to be done with him. You go ahead and move forward. You go ahead. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I'm done. You go and take care of what I haven't finished. I deserve a break don't I? I've been working real hard. Grant me this wish. Let me go.

Let me go, people. I don't think I'm really made to last long in this world. I'm not healthy and I think too much. I'm not equipped with what it takes to survive in this society. I can't change and conform to your silly rules. People like me, we burn brightly then we die quickly. And I feel like I'm on my last legs. So give me permission to surrender. Tell me that you will understand so I will not have the burden of explaining.

Let me go, please, tell me. Give me your permission. I want to die with my conscience clean. I would have loved to see this through but I'm tired and I don't think I can go on anymore.

One drink and I'm gone. Just one drink and it's over.

Let me go will you please let me go.

Please.

Let me go.

I'm done and you go on without me.

Death, Doubt, & Duality

Of all the things that we have to prepare for in this life, I think that death is the one which we keep on sweeping under the rugs. I would hate that feeling - dying without being ready for it. There are no second chances of course. It's the most final thing in everyone's lives. So shouldn't that fact make it our number one priority? That early on, we must be aware about this and that we should take on steps to ensure that our death goes well and is taken in well? Isn't this the best measure of how well you lived? That you've lived well enough to have understood and to have readied yourself for your demise?

Death is a fact. Though I think most of us avoid talking, much less thinking about it because we are afraid of what is unknown. We are afraid of how it is not to exist. It is almost never taken in jovially. One reason for this is that we never really ready ourselves for it. We do not think about it enough so when it does happen, it hits us in the face hard. It is an emotional concept - all this avoidance of thinking about death. Take your emotions out of it and you will see that you can take it in stride better. Avert your eyes or stopper your ears all you want but it cannot be denied that this is a fact.

This preparation aspect is one of the major attractions of committing suicide. Because when you commit your own death, you are avoiding being caught off-guard. Accidents are terrible ways to die. I've been in a few near-miss incidents already, and that feeling you get when you think you're about die? It's ugly. It sends your brain in a panic that it will be almost impossible to keep calm and to think clearly. You won't have time to settle your nerves. And that's not very good, I think.

If I were to be able to choose how I'd die, I want to die calm. I want my mind to be peaceful. I want it to be deliberate. Because I want it to be a well-made decision and after, I don't want people to whisper about how untimely my death was. I want to die with my motives cleared. I want to die as my own careful and calculating self. Not that tangled yarn of nerves I know I'd be if I were to die in a freak accident.

Dying from an illness is okay, as long as I'm given ample time to ready myself for it. And by that, I mean thanking those I've encountered through this experience. I'd like to share what I'm going through to everyone who would care to know how it feels, even to my last breath. I'd be writing nonstop then, probably, on my last days. I'm worried about how painful dying from an illness may possibly be though. Other than the sensation itself, I'm worried about how it might affect my preparations. How it might prevent me from thinking clearly during those last moments.

I've been living with this awareness in mind for many years now, and it's curious how it affects my experiences. It made me immerse myself in the moment. It made me more reckless and it made me let go of my inhibitions, but at the same time I also felt a measure of detachment. And that last one stems from this awareness that all this is fleeting. If you see me drunk and dancing with abandon in a club, be assured that that is only on the surface. I may be having fun for real but it does not erase this disconnection. That gets worse at times, and sometimes I almost feel like I am only going through the motions of living. That "who I really am" is not what you see but the one pulling the strings of this physical body.

Now many might think this an unhappy way to live one's life. And perhaps it is. But have you noticed that those who promote happiness seem like pushing it too much? There is doublethink at work here. You have to force yourself to be always happy and try to see the good in everything. Like what they say, happiness is a choice. And if it is a choice then a decision was made. Like yes or no. True or false. But remember that just because we chose our answer does not mean that we must convince ourselves it was the right answer and that we should pretend that other options do not exist. I suppose I am like this because I chose to live a balanced life. Not trying too much to be happy nor dwelling too much on being sad. Whether Yes or No is the correct answer, no one really knows. So I chose not to answer instead. I don't think we are required to give an answer anyway.

No matter how many times I've been unsettled by my own thoughts and findings, I prefer to be like this because understanding brings me peace of mind. There is a feeling of strength in that. A feeling of certainty. Neither happy nor sad, but a calm acceptance. Finding what is true without letting yourself be biased by any emotion. For me, someone who is always trying to be happy is like someone who keeps getting drunk. You may be doing great now but what if that bottle is taken away. What then?

I think that death shouldn't always be sad and life shouldn't always be happy. They are neither, I think.

I'm not claiming I'm sure about these things. I don't really know the answers. Sometimes I think I catch glimmers of it but I'm not sure they are within the grasp of my mind. I have much to learn. Been existing for 28 years and still quite dumbfounded about the why's and the how's but at least, I know the question. Or do I, really?

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. Ignorance is a condition of learning. Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.”

- Robert Anton Wilson