Nu Porn

I'm tired of that same old porn. I'm tired of steamy bodies fucking each other senseless. I'm tired of pecs and abs and sculpted thighs, arms, and feet. Tired of dicks and balls and assholes and cum shooting all over the place. I'm tired of the sweat and the saliva, the moans and the lapping sounds. They're all very attractive to watch, when you're in that mood. But I'm old and I've been there and I'm telling you it's not as great as it looks. At least for me it isn't.

During my younger years I've wondered whether there was some kind of acting involved in porn. And I don't mean those posing as amateur or voyeur videos. That lust I see on their eyes - is that real? The way they kiss and devour each other - do they really mean it? I've always wanted to be considered cool and being cool, in my book, includes sleeping around and having sex left and right but I've never made myself act like what they do in those porn movies. Some porn movies attempt to inject some semblance of a story in their plot but in the end it boils down to stranger meets stranger, then they fuck. Well, I've been there, and I've fucked with strangers but somehow, I've never managed to match that level of raunchiness those porn stars display.

Everyone needs some sex, sooner or later, unless one is a virgin, asexual, or a plant. Those who are claiming otherwise are either hypocrites or are talented enough to completely curb their basal instincts. And I've met men and women who are prudish on the outside but go on like rabbits when the lights are off. I suppose that for such people, porn movies seem real to them. When you've been bottling up your lust for other people to see, once you let go, I suppose you just kinda explode and you become this animal on the bed. I think I envy those people. Because even if their lives are twisted in this manner, at least they get to feel white hot. Me, I can only manage a yellow flame these days. It leaves me dirty. Sooty. I want to feel white hot too just because I want to feel it all. I want it all.

Not having a boyfriend means resorting to casual sex when you're lucky. If you're not, then it's just you and your hand. But since I'm adept enough when it comes to these things, I've somehow managed to have sex with men hotter than I am. And when you've been there and you've had those men, those porn movies somehow lose their potency. It's like watching a romantic movie when your own love story is so much better. They lose their sense of fantasy, and that takes out much of their vile charm. At times, I wish I hadn't sought after and scored with those men. Maybe I'd still have something to look forward to.

But of course, I still watch porn. Sex is a need as much as hunger or thirst is. You won't be satiated for long. But the kind of porn I like now are those where men kiss like they're really a couple. Like they're in love. The way they look at each other sends me jitters down my spine. The way they smile and hold hands. The way they embrace each other. The way they make love. And I... I miss those days when I'm being intimate with someone I have an affection for. This new kind of porn - it's not sexual porn. It's emotional porn. And unlike the former, this is much harder to find in real life. You can have sex with a hot guy as long as you're persistent enough. But love? This is much harder to find and maintain. And I think that for me, this will remain to be a fantasy.

For now, at least.

Fade to Gray

I'm not really certain what other people make of me and my mania for making mixtapes. Not that I really care about what those other people think. I only want to know because I always want to assess myself and the things I do. I want to try and see it from the perspective of others so I'd have a more balanced view of me and the many silly things I do.

At the moment, I am listening to Youth Group's "Forever Young", the title track for my upcoming second 4-year greatest hits compilation to be released next month and with this song, somehow, I am given this overwhelming notion that making mixtapes and sharing them with others has been one of the most meaningful decisions I have made in my whole life. More than choosing to be an educator for instance. More than my passion to make a change in this world. Mixtapes might seem to be a very small thing compared to my other passions, but it is somewhat more intrinsic. That no matter what occupation I might find myself in, no matter what instruments might come into my hands to further my nonpersonal goals, this "art" will allow me to touch others in a way which few others can. Other factors in my life might have been incidental but this one, perhaps, I can claim to be truly mine. And don't mind Charlie because I did this first.

I had always been puzzled why others don't do this. Why others (seemingly) let their years wash by them without leaving a permanent mark. I wonder what they use to mark each year and all the experiences, thoughts, and memories which go with it. Pictures are all very well, and perhaps they might even be effective in some cases, especially if you're going to make albums out of them, but I think that's different from creating something out of your experiences. It's not really something you can share to strangers, especially if you're only taking pictures of yourself. Well, you can of course, if you're going to push it. But my point is what will I get out of looking at your pictures other than being happy for you? I want to be affected and moved. I want to get something out of your experience, and this something I hope I can find useful for my own life. I'm not sure about this, but I'm getting the sense that other people do not even have this need to learn from others in this way.

Another way to accomplish this would be by writing, and I'm thankful I'm connected to some friends who do just that. Those who write beyond making mere diary entries. Those who aim to impart something to their readers. It's just refreshing to be in some other people's shoes for a while. Refreshing to delve into their minds and immerse myself in how they think and interact. Again, this building frustration at why most people I know do not do this. I would have loved to be in your head for a while you know.

I don't know why others don't get this but despite the sheer effort I put into making each one of my compilations, at the end of the day it's all so overwhelmingly worth it. That even if no one gets to listen to my albums, the fact that I was able to make something out of these thoughts and emotions is so fucking worth it. And if I'm getting this gratification now, what more in the years to come? When I'm more worn and frayed, all I have to do is select an album and I'd be instantly transported to this particular phase of my life and I'd get this sense that what an amazing life mine had been. And what more if I play them consecutively? Before my time is up, I'd make certain I get the time to listen to all of my albums one last time.

It will be such a barrage of information though, if I do that. With each song playing, names and faces come cascading down on my head and I'm not sure I'd be able to handle them all at one go and I'm not certain now why I'm telling you these things because what I want to do is to convince you to start making mixtapes and telling you that these songs can make you cry might make you think otherwise. Really, reader, I wish you could feel what I feel right now. This sense of... I don't know. A sense of a life lived. Shared. And sometimes reader, I do question why my life should be shared. Though I'm certain that the emphasis is not on it being my life but just that it is a life all the same and we must make the most out of it and I can't understand why others don't get this.

I don't understand why others don't feel death breathing down our necks and that we must go now and do things and record things while we can because we may not all be given the chance to leave something behind for those who will come after us and though compiling songs might be such a silly thing this is still what I can do well and I'm certain someone somewhere will get me and will be affected by what I do.

I don't understand why most people are so selfish they focus instead on things which won't really last like money or jobs or material stuff. I don't understand why they can't see what I see and that I have to resort to blog things like this, explaining away the weird things I do when in a more advanced, a more ideal society things such as these would have been normal and self-explanatory and though I'm going to admit to you, reader, that I'm beginning to dislike where life is taking me because it is making me follow the rest of this blinded foolish society and the current is so strong I'm afraid it might wash away the things which make me me, including making these mixtapes, including blogging, and others might understand what I'm getting at but they will be helpless all the same and they'd leave me struggling to keep my identity because they were once like me but they've now faded into the gray.

Why have you let them do this to you? Was it worth it? Tell me. Was it worth it to lose who you really are just to go with their flow?