The Count's Tale I: The Last Flower

A cool breeze blew as he laid his last flower over her grave. The smell of freshly-dug earth filled his nostrils. The colors of the enchanted forest became alive as the sun slowly peeked above the horizon. Digging the grave, in any other circumstance, would have been impossible to do because of his slowly weakening condition. But he has just fed... he had just drank her blood. In a goblet, perhaps, but still, it was hers.

He was cold-blooded, he knew. But why wasn't he mourning her loss? If he was any other person, he would be gnashing his teeth, tearing his hair. He would be shouting at the top of his lungs. He would be shouting for her back, and cursing the Creator why he had to take away the only one who loved him. But he was not. And he thought why he was not so.

I am a vampire, he said. Simple as that. I am not meant to be loved by people like her. If she was in her right mind, she shouldn't have associated herself with vampires like him. If she wasn't willing, he thought, I wouldn't have brought myself closer to her.

He can still recall that day when he met the princess. A high-pitched shrieking sound awakened him from his diurnal slumber. Naturally curious, he went out of his dwelling to investigate. It was then that he first laid eyes on the princess. She wasn't at her most beautiful then. Eyes wide with horror, a gaping quivering mouth, dust on his cheeks. Her hair and dress in wild disarray. Acting on his instincts, he saved the princess from the bear. This wouldn't hurt, he thought. I was simply being friendly. And she doesn't look like she could kill me. She must be afraid of me.

But they became good friends and she started visiting him in his dwelling which was of course, understandable, given that he saved her life. But she has to do it in secret. Because the likes of her, or any other common villager, shouldn't associate themselves with a blood-drinking monster like him.

Slowly, the friendship grew into something else.

Sometimes, while listening to her sing or play the violin, he thought of how she was risking herself by visiting him nightly. She understood very well that he was a vampire, and that his instincts was to rip her neck with his teeth and kill her. And yet... he did not act as he thought he would. Perhaps the princess' affection for him prevented him from doing that. Perhaps he loved her back. But I am a vampire, he thought. And I am cold-blooded. I go with my own kind, not with human princesses... Who am I fooling?

And so, whatever the reason, he stopped being himself. He stopped thinking of drinking human blood. It was wickedly dreadful, stopping what makes him alive. The urges were so strong, especially when they were dancing and she was exposing her graceful neck to him. So defenseless and clueless that he could do it without her knowing. But for the princess, he would avert his thoughts away from killing her. He would stop being himself as long as he could.

The days went on. His nights spent with the princess were wondrous. Never have he been so loved and appreciated. But he was doing that at the price of his own self. He was weakening, he knew. Day by day his strength that he used to be so proud of, was leaking away. Try as he might, his basal instincts will take over, he knew. That day will come, and disaster would follow.

I believed, he thought. I believed I can do it, but believing seemed not to be enough. The princess noticed the change in him, how he was becoming thinner and paler. She soon discovered the reason on her own, and because she loved him, offered her own blood as a sacrifice. Her blood to keep him alive and strong.

It was a horrible ending for such a sweet tale. It should have ended with - Eventually, the vampire became a man. A real man, and with his love for the princess, he has put away all his past. Put his desire for killing people away because that is what love can do. But, in real life, that seldom happens...

The wind swayed the branches of the tall fire trees above, showering him with fiery orange petals. This was his favorite spot in the enchanted forest. A rippling brook was nearby, and the evergreen grass here was dotted with wild roses. The sun's rays were dazzling. It was already broad daylight and he should have been fast asleep in his coffin by now. But she deserves my time. She deserves to be buried in this special place. She deserves my tears. My pain. He has to give her that, at least.

His eye landed on the flower he has laid upon the mound - a crimson rose. The reddest flower he could find. It was as red as her love. As red as her blood, selflessly offered, which he greedily devoured. It was the first flower he ever gave her... and he gave it when she was already dead.

Chirping birds and insects woke him from his reverie. The forest was awakening. Animals passed by him, looking for their breakfast. Of course, he thought, the forest wouldn't stop its daily routine even for the death of a princess. Even for a princess who died for him. To the forest, her death meant absolutely nothing.

There was a way to bring her back, he thought. The witch knew a powerful spell which can awaken the dead, but it isn't as easy as that. The caster must want the dead back wholly and with pure love, otherwise, the caster will die in return, and will not be able to cast the spell.

In a bird's eye view, he pictured the witch's solitary hut near the mountains. It was just a few minutes flight from where he was, and yet he remained rooted to that spot. Undecided whether to go or not.

Death, he said, is as light as a feather. In any case, they are both dead.

The wind blew again. There is a way, it whispered. But a way for what, he asked aloud. A way to bring her back or a way for my freedom? Aren't I waiting for this? He shouted, shattering the noisy but calm peace of the forest. Isn't this what I want? Why couldn't I have both her and my freedom? I just want to be whole...

Once, as a crow, he was captured by a pretty girl and put into a cage as a pet. It didn't go well with him. He was admired, he was fed, he was loved, but what he wanted was freedom. He didn't want to be prevented from doing things he wanted to do. And so, once, while pretending to be asleep, he escaped as the girl opened the cage to put in his food. The princess has put him in another kind of cage. A cage where what makes him who he was cannot escape. A cage stronger in its own way than bars of iron. He was caged in her heart.

I just want to be free, he thought, as he turned into a crow and flew away from the forest. Free from what? The wind asked him. And for that, he wasn't able to give an answer. For one, he couldn't speak since he was a crow. And for another, he didn't know the answer to the question himself.

TO BE CONTINUED

Holding On

Chiyo, I'm sorry. I am just this way. Believe me. I am trying my best to change. It is hard, but I've gone a long way from who I used to be. One day, I hope to meet you there. I hope.

I'm not really failing yet. I can hold on, Chiyo, but... sometimes I think of you, and whether you are satisfied with me. I get scared. Because you can just easily go out there and find somebody else in a snap. You can find in them what you can't find in me.

I'm sad, Chiyo. Because I really want us to be happy. But for us, it is going to be more difficult. We have to run faster than most couples. We have to work harder than them. Often, I think of you. I think of how you selflessly went with me in this. How you chose a losing side, and went with struggle and uncertainty rather than with peace and clarity.

But Chiyo, despite this, I can't help but see how we really love each other. You chose me over him, against a lot of ill feelings from his side. You stick with me, despite how many times I've let you down and left you. You held on despite knowing that I am a bisexual and that at that time, I was eyeing someone else. You stayed. You believed in our relationship.

What about me? Well, nobody might see it, but I'm fighting for our love internally. Despite my failures, I try to keep a straight face and be brave for tomorrow. I'm holding on, even if it seems fate itself is unclasping my fingers from my grip. I'm fighting the devil. Even God knows I am bleeding inside but I hold on to you Chiyo. Because you love me. You were there for me. We've spent a lot of time together. We even live together now. Even if I don't show it by giving you roses or chocolates, or if I prove the contrary by teasing you or ignoring you, you matter to me. You know that. I may often be cold and tactless but when I am sweet and warm, you know that that is genuine.

Chiyo, I love you. Couples are not always in love. We go uphill and downhill often, but now when I truly feel it, I am wasting no time in saying that I love you. For everything.

A Significunt Entry

I don't like monthsaries very much. I like the feeling that, hey, we've been this how many months together, but for me, it's like... it's like a ticking bomb. It's like you're always anticipating that soon, everything will blow up.

Chiyo got quite mad at me. It has just turned 12 midnight, and she greeted me a Happy Monthsary. I was lying in bed, already half-asleep and I thought of mumbling a reply but I was just too tired. That was selfish of me but that is who I am. Anyway, it's just a date. It's nice and all that but it isn't nice enough for me to do something with it. Like I've said, it's a ticking bomb for me.

I wonder what will be the effect of what I'm doing to my psychology. Having a girlfriend is one of the best things that happened to me. But with that comes restrictions and responsibilities. She doesn't tell me not to look at men or even think about men, but I try not to. And sometimes, it suffocates me. Like you're stopping yourself from being who you are. It is not her fault. As I've said I imposed that restriction on me, because I think that it is one way to make our relationship last longer.

It makes my head ache at times. All this mind control that I'm doing. Like I see this guy, and I think he's good-looking, then I have to reprimand myself for thinking such a thing, because I have a girlfriend, because liking men is wrong, because men won't like me anyway. It makes my head ache! But it's different for girls, though. Like when I think this student is pretty, I don't scold myself. I say... Hmmm, I think she looks nice, well, that's normal, and I have no problems with that.

I really want to make it last with Chiyo. I won't find anyone else like her. No one will love me more than she loves me - that's the truth and I know it. It is always me who has the issues, always me who has to fall. I am always the one to be understood. And that irks me, because I don't always want to be the source of our problems. I want us to last. I want to please her, but sometimes it doesn't work. I cannot pretend to feel warm when I feel cold. I cannot force myself to be sweet when I feel bitter. If I could only siphon away all this feminity inside me and throw them to his damn face, I would gladly do it. For Chiyo.

I don't know, God. This dilemma you are putting me through. Perhaps it would have been better if I had the chance to have a boyfriend before Chiyo came so I wouldn't have all these thoughts inside me anymore. Perhaps, then, I would be in a more decided state than I am now. And that thoughts about men (or women) might have been stacked at the far reaches of my brain.

Chiyo is good enough for me. Well, she allows me to fool around with her in bed, so who wouldn't be satisfied with that? <Wink!> However, I am scared for us having an unplanned baby. One of us might get careless. One night, when we were doing you-know-what, I asked her, "Are you fertile?", and then she thought for a while, and said, "Yes, but never mind. Keep going," or something of the sort. I did go on for a while, but I thought (it's harder to think then) that if I blew this, we might have a baby! So I stopped and lay beside her, laughing and panting. "You should be concerned about whether you are fertile or not. You can't say 'Bahala na', then after nine months you have a baby!"

I would have liked to talk more about the "wonders" of you-know-what. Wait, why do I have to be so prudish? SEX! I'm talking about SEX! If you're underage, bust out of this blog. I have control here. Wait, I have students here who read my blog. Will it be proper, knowing that your teacher privately talks about sex? Of course, it is. I'm not like most teachers who are virgins and squares! And besides, I don't talk about this in my classes. I hint perhaps, or I gloss over. But I don't say 'cunt' or 'dick' out right. I don't even refer to those things! There was a time, however, in my Chem 16 summer class when I accidentally said "significunt figures." They didn't catch that though, I think.

Well, after this long talk, do you really think I would talk about my sex life? Not all, of course. I just had to share this two funny moments! One, when I had a lockjaw while (report user!) and two, when she was (report user!) me and (report user!) went into her (report user!), even if she swore she wouldn't do it! It was funny because she (report user!) at the same time my (reprt user!) was (report user!) Hahaha!

This is one queer entry. Started with talking about how difficult it was for my mind, the control thingy, and ended with how easy it was for my (report user!). Why do I have to say report user for? Why can't I just write what I want to write right out? Well, aren't blogs meant for these? For freedom of expression. Is there seomeone who checks people's blogs and reports those who are talking about malicious stuff? Like a blog police? Can you "report user" me?

No. This isn't just about this. Because there is one such thing as "privacy" that I am slowly and deliberately shedding. Perhaps "we", but hers is in a lesser extent. It's this celebrity fever we've got. We're stars here in the blogging world, in the real world even because we are being talked about. Can you imagine the once nerdy and square Bryan break someone else's relationship, place himself in, and screw her up? Can you imagine the once nerdy and square Bryan, come out and tell everything, tell a guy that he loves him, be brave enough (unlike so many others out there, come on third sex people, come OUT!) to confess?

NO! I will blog what I want to blog because in this way, like when I teach, I am able to impose upon the world my influence. In this way, I can somehow change the world. Through broadcasting my thoughts in the web, I can say that, "Hey this is me. This is how I live my life. How about you? Are you getting the most out of it? Are you being enclosed by now failingand defunct  social structures? Come out and be yourself! In the end, you'll find that you do not really care what they will say. They're just jealous, narrow-minded, and dim!"

Music Update: "Lovely" Lineup Finalized

08 May 2006, Manila
The much-awaited 2005-2006 Greatest Hits album from Electrique, "Lovely", finally has a complete lineup. Music compilation guru, Mr. Bryan Christian de la Isla, announced today in a public conference updates about his summer album. The album, as has been hinted, contains selected tracks form his latest three albums: "Eleven", "Back For More", and "Time Of My Life". "The final lineup is phenomenal," he says. "Once you listen to it, you'll play it until the end and it will leave you in a musical euphoria. It is, without doubt, the best album I have ever made."
Fans were intrigued about which songs from the previous albums made it to the final list. "You have to wait for the album to come out," Mr. de la Isla replied. "But I can safely disclose that I included 3 songs from "Eleven", and 4 songs each from the other two albums. There are 18 songs all in all, 7 of them new."
Like his previous albums, a lot of changes has been made before closing the lineup. "I have almost broken the rule that an artist couldn't have more than one entry." he adds. "In the end, like in other albums, the songs just magically fell into place."
Speculation about the number of songs included - 18 - brought on talk about the length of the included songs. Mr. de la Isla has been known to include as much songs per album, maxing it out up to 19 or 20 songs (with the sole exception, "Eleven" with just 11 tracks). When asked about this, the music guru replied, "Yes, the songs here are quite longer than in the other albums. I actually wanted it to have 19 songs but they wouldn't fit... I even planned it to be a double-CD collection because I had a hard time singling out songs from the past albums. However, I thought about the additional cost of producing such an album. And anyway, I didn't want it to be too long for the message I want to give to be lost to the listener."
""Lovely" is quite on a different plane, comparing it with the others," he continues. "If you like pop much, you might be disappointed. This is my most alternative-sounding compilation. Almost all the songs are guitar and strings led. "Lovely" is more musically-solid than "Eleven", livelier than "Back For More", and more synchronized than "Time Of My Life", The songs here are, indeed, the best of the best songs, both aesthetically and lyrically. It's really really good, I can't have enough of it," he shares amidst wild and manic cheering from the people present.
When asked about the feel of the album, he replies, "I used the tried-and-tested formula here. I followed slow tracks with faster ones, so listeners won't be bogged down by emotion. Unfortunately for the previous albums, that wasn't applicable, so I haven't used it before. The technique just produced perfect results for this one. It starts with a song from my favorite band and ends with... no, it would be a giveaway if I told you that," he laughs. "It's balanced and easy to listen to. Enough talk, guys. I have plans to make and funds to raise," he ends, with a tumultuous uproar from the press people.
Electrique reports that the album's target release date is this May, before the end of the summer classes, if enough funds are available. A special edition of "Time Of My Life" is also being planned to be released at the same time due to insistent demand from fans who were not able to obtain a copy of the album. A different cover for "Time Of My Life - Special Edition" may also be used. Electrique confirms that the layout for "Lovely" is not yet finished, but should be so this weekend. (RIOTERS)

My Last Night at the Rooftop

Past 12 - my typical waking time on a workless weekend. Chiyo was already awake. Ready to take a bath after putting her things in boxes to be shipped to our new home. My head ached as I rose from her bed. Still got the cold.

Wasn't in the mood to eat much so we just ordered a footlong sandwich and gulped it down with some softdrinks. I bought some small cardboard boxes on our way back. They were for my things to be shipped to our new home.

Ate MeAnn, the owner of the sari-sari store if front of the boarding house stopped me as I passed by. She said, "Lilipat na kayo 'no?", with a sadness that went through me. I simply replied, "Yes...", with downcast eyes. I did not really want to leave yet, but we are being forced out. I had a feeling she knew why we had to leave.

At about 2:30pm my Chem 16 students came, an hour before Chiyo went home to Laguna. There were five of them - Elo V, Elo B, Housemate Deann, Lee, and Diann. Before we could start though, Ate Carmen, the landlady, summoned me. We talked about my rent. Actually, we argued. She wanted me to pay rent for May but since it will be the last month of my stay there, I decided to use my deposit. She told me that I have already used my deposit to pay for my July rent last year, and that, consequently, I need to pay my May rent. I insisted that I have already paid my July rent, and I even showed her my receipt. My hands were shaking all the while though, bacause she kept on reiterating about the "katarantaduhan" that I've been doing in our room. She kept on comparing me to Tin (who I'm already starting to earnestly hate) who payed her rent on time.

It was good that I kept my temper all the while. Otherwise, I may have been put out of the house right then. I was proud though because she gave up eventually, saying that I don't need to pay the rent. She was relieved that we will be leaving tomorrow. I talked to her like an equal, which is really the truth, and I kept on waiting for her to burst with anger while we were arguing. But she didn't.

When I went back to our room, I was still a bit shaken. They were all able to hear our voices. It wasn't nice that they heard us, but at least, they know the truth now about relationships in the boarding house.

Then, me and my students went to business. It was a good review session all in all. They were not really clueless about the lessons, and I simply had to emphasize a few things here and there and guide them through some drills. When we were done, I asked them to join me at the rooftop to talk and have some smokes.

They kept on insisting for me to make kuwento about my love life. And so I did after a while. I told them everything, even my bisexuality. They were cool with that. And I poured on them how hard it was sometimes. How hard it was to be in the middle. How hard it gets for me just to live. They gave me advice. They told me I was still young (people keep on telling me that) and that I do not have to think about the future too much. Live for the moment, they said.

It was already dark when we finished talking. It was a moment. They've really become my friends back then. A bond has been formed - a long bond, Elo V said, but I reminded her that that was a weak bond, and insisted on us forming a triple bond instead.

After they went home, I ate dinner alone and went on packing my things. I only had very few things to pack and so I was done after five minutes. I left the rest for tomorrow. It was then that I felt this sadness. I was being disattached from a place where a lot has happened. Where I grew up, where I fell, where I loved, where I revealed myself, where I lived with happiness and acceptance, where I almost killed myself, where I became a man... at least for a while.

Even if I don't think about it, it gets to me. I get easily attached to places too.

Tonight will be my last night at the rooftop. My last night staring at the searchlights, the moon, the stars, the buildings, the mountains, the trees. My last night listening to muffled shouts, loud music from afar, the occasional sounds of dogs, cats, and roosters. My last night feeling the coldness of the wind as I smoke and think back and think ahead.

I'm not sure if I can cry for a place but I know that I will surely miss it. I will miss climbing the stairs in the dark, hearing Taffy bark sometimes. How I look up first to check if there were other people in there. How I sit on the ledge, how I pace back and forth, how I cry alone if there was something I need to let out. I will miss the times when I go up there with my cigs and a mug of cola and lately with my discman. How I listen to the songs as I stare at the surroundings which suit my mood. I will miss going up there with Chiyo, talking, kissing, hugging. Just wallowing in each other's presence. Just being with each other.

Thinking back, it was the boarding house which made it possible for us to be together. And despite the ugly ending of our (the house's) relationship, I still will be grateful for its white fortress-like sunlit walls, for its wooden double-deck beds, for the smell of paint, for Ate MeAnn, for the big mirror just outside the door, perhaps even for Arnie, and most of all, I'm grateful for the rooftop.

Goodbye to my boarding house. I can cry for an inanimate object after all.

Prey

I was looking through the window, gazing at a scene from a nightmare. The sun shone brightly on naked ruins. On toppled buildings, skeletons of foundations. In one small fenced off area, surrounded by blocks of stone and iron, the devil was pacing back and forth upon an altar.

He scared me. How he looked, how he walked. Deliberately. Each step eating ground quickly. Never tiring. Confident with the knowledge that sooner or later, the walls fencing him in will falter. He was sure that he will come out eventually and he can't wait for it to happen. He scared me. And few things scare me these days. What will happen if he gets loose?

Despite that, there was something within me which challenged him to get loose. Dared him to. There was something within his evil which made me want to stare at him. Made me want to catch his eye and have a staring match.

The next thing I knew he was looking at me. Stared at me without blinking. His expressionless face fixed on me. Terrified, I made crosses with my fingers, with my arms to ward him off. No effect! I was caught in his stare. Helpless. Paralyzed. Prey.

The dream left me there. But the dread the devil left me did not. I know the devil too well. Too well to know his guises. He weakens me each day, but each night, when he's absent, I recharge myself. It's war the devil wants, and it's war I will give him. Needless to say, fighting him gets unbearable at times. But I will fight him, even if it costs me blood. God, please, give me strength. Just help me.

I'm a hunter from hell. Not the prey.

Wamuffet

This is the original poem I wrote to Chiyo last year. Back when she was back with her other one. Funny how it seems.. reading it now. It's like this was from a long long time ago. "It's written in our boarding house. It's written near the door..."


We've had our share of letters
So I'll try to write a poem
Although I think its better
If I go and write a song
But since we know I cannot play
An instrument or two
I think I should just contact Hale
To make a song for you


I'm writing this while listening
To that song we both like
It's really quite amusing
Since I don't know how to write
How can I tell you everything
When words are limited?
How can I show this feeling
When I'm lying in my bed?


I don't know where I want to start
I write what comes to mind
Now that we are both apart
I don't know what is right
When you're not here I'm missing you
When you are sad, I'm sad
I know you have no room for two
You stayed with who you've had


When I see him with you I hide
This envy in my heart
Whenever you are by my side
I'm trying not to fall apart
It's hard not to do the things
You dearly want to do
I think it has become quite clear
That I'm not over you


I know we've said that we'll be friends
It's wrong to tell you this
If this is where our friendship ends
You will be solely his
I don't know what is wrong with me
This feeling should have ended
But then this would hardly matter since
It's you who has decided


I cannot change just how things are
I cannot turn back time
All I can do is give my heart
Knowing nothing's fine
I hope this poem can never change
Our current situation
I'm just a fool who's trying to make
The most of his small station


I'm sorry I keep hurting you
I'm sorry this is me
I can't control I can't keep cool
It is a part of me
I'm not expecting anything
I just want you to know
That there resides in my heart still
A place for us to grow


But you may think it's out of place
For me to tell you this
When “he” was in my thoughts for days
Is he the one I miss?
The first night I contacted him
Was a night he brought you home
To keep my vision getting dim
I picked up my phone


I used him to distract myself
From you and him and me
I used him to drown myself
In foolish misery
I used him to forget
That night in my bed
I used him to forget
The tears that we both shed


I know I cannot have you R***
I know we cannot be
I really wish I still can pray
So you can be with me
If things are fixed the way they are
There'll still be no regrets
I'd still love you the way you are
I wish you all the best