Danger of a Loaded Gun

Night. Walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket. Mentally and emotionally drained and hadn't eaten yet except for some smokes since the day started. I wished I had my jacket on. It was cold.

A long way to go. Had no choice but to walk with one peso in my pocket. I was waiting for my body to pass out. Surely, it would be minutes from now, I thought. Surely. Surely... only if I wasn't strong enough to handle all these.

Had an exam three hours ago. Studied only for a few minutes. Wasn't in the mood to do some studying. Didn't care about it. Everything in my life seemed in tatters. Didn't care if I failed. I never really cared about grades anyway. Such a small thing compared to what really matters.

It was 1pm when I got out of bed today. I didn't go to my first MS class. I didn't go to my lunch date with my summer friends. I didn't go to the library to study (I didn't even know what the coverage of the exam was). I just didn't want to leave my bed. I just wanted to dream, even if the sunlight was making my eyes squint already.

The first thing I checked upon finally deciding to rouse myself was my fone. The usual four or five messages greeted me. But none of them was my baby's. Or Darwin's rather. No right to call him "baby" anymore, I remembered.

So he wanted to play games? I thought. So he wanted to make me run to him huh? A flicker of emotion to do exactly that, quickly ebbed into apathy. This is the end, I thought. If he's going to do this, it's the end. I didn't want to think any more about it.

To school and responsibilities. Being the Chem 16 lecture coordinator was taking its toll on me. The weight of it on my shoulders. Add the burden of my studies this sem: all of them demanding lots of time. Piles of papers on my table. Loads of quizzes to check. And oh, it was my brother's birthday, and I got an instant reminder of the financial burden my inadequate parents are passing on to me.

Last but not the least, let us not forget Baby's recent death. My ever beloved pet cat died of old age, giving me one less reason to go back to my parents'.

With these unwelcome dark clouds on my head, I went out to the fire escape to have a smoke. Can you not blame me for wanting to die early?

To th exam where I purely relied on my wits since I didn't know a fucking thing about it. To my Chemical Kinetics class where my professor gave us yet another problem set. To the ATM to withdraw some money and finally have some food in me, only to find that my salary was again delayed.

And so there I was, walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket.

No pet cat.

No refuge at home.

No break from studying forever.

No unburdening of my responsibilities at work.

No money.

No baby to go to, to hug and to kiss.

But I've got my smokes and I've got my music. I've got my friends and my students.

I've got me.

And I know I'm made of tough stuff and I'll surely get through all of this one day soon.