"Eleven" and "Back For More"

There is nothing worth saying today except that my new album is almost ready. I am currently planning its reproduction and hopefully, I will be able to finish it on time. I am quite excited about it. (Doesnt show)

For those who do not know about these (especially my students), I will try to enlighten you. I got into the habit of giving away compilations since I was in first year high school. Being musically inclined (more in a critical manner), I found it fulfilling to be able to share to others songs which I have found to be very nice to listen to. I gave them to classmates and friends as gifts, and now, to my students as a parting gift.

Since I have been doing this for almost nine years already, you might say that I have gained a sort of expertise on how to really do a proper compilation. Still, I am not saying that I would be able to please all of you. Some might find my new album distasteful. Well, I have tried... I will feel bad if that happens of course, but what can I do?

This will be my third post-college album. The first one, "Eleven", was released last year around October. I only made two copies. One for me, and one for a student. What was it about? It was about misery. Incomprehensible misery. Having feelings for the wrong person. It was about shit. The shit that happens when everything goes wrong between the two of you. It was about making a mistake, which, if I was given a chance to correct, I wont change. In a way, it was about shit that was bound to happen, especially to people like me. Get it?

1. Avril Lavigne - How Does It Feel



2. Plumb - Boys Don't Cry



3. 6 Cycle Mind - Sige



4. Natalie Imbruglia - Left Of The Middle



5. Marion Raven - Six Feet Under



6. The Corrs - What Can I Do (Tin-Tin Out Remix)



7. Session Road - Suntok Sa Buwan



8. Westlife - Can't Lose What You Never Had



9. Simple Plan - When I'm With You



10. Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces



11. Sugarfree - Kuwarto

A short album with just eleven songs. It was an album in blue and gold and black with a sort of Egyptian design. An eye in the middle. Sinuous lines. Gold lettering on blue.

My next album (my favorite one of all so far) was called "Back For More". Released just a month after "Eleven", during the enrolment period for the second semester. It was dedicated to my Chem 16 TFW2QR2 students last. I gave most of them copies.

What was it about? My life for the first semester. It was my soundtrack for that period of time. It was about loss. Losing X, losing Y, losing my students. The first few songs show sadness, picking up on a few tracks, although you can feel that the sadness is interlaced through the whole album. What I like about it is that the songs follow each other. They seem to be singing the same wavelength, giving the same message. A whole and complete album. An album fit for the class I miss most.

1. Avril Lavigne - Take Me Away



2. Frente! - Bizarre Love Triangle



3. Britney Spears - Someday (I Will Understand)



4. Hale - Broken Sonnet



5. Linkin Park - My December



6. Simple Plan - Everytime



7. Michelle Branch - One Of These Days



8. Gabrielle - Out Of Reach



9. Lifehouse - Blind



10. Gwen Stefani - Luxurious



11. Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends



12. Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye



13. Plumb - Taken



14. The Cranberries - Dreaming My Dreams



15. ATeens - Back For More



16. Ryan Cabrera - Always Come Back To You



17. Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You



18. Bonnie Bailey - Ever After (Eric's Beach Mix)



19. Alanis Morissette - You Learn

I made "Back For More" as the title track since it says: "When you think the party's over, look over your shoulder, I'm at your door, coming back for more..." That was my message to my former students. Im never really gone unless it is you who is pushing me away. I also like how I closed the album with "You Learn", especially the lines "You lose, you learn. You love, you learn. You live, you learn."

What about the cover? It was in light yellow. Childish drawings theme. I had my students take a psychology test before by drawing a person and I used those drawings for the jacket of the CD. My psychology test drawing was the cover. Comments on the significance of each song was included as well as the lyrics of selected songs.

If ever (I know this entry isnt that interesting...) you are curious about the coming album, try reading "The Locked Door In Me." If you want a copy, you may tell me. If youre my student, you dont need to. I will give you one.

Good? Good.

The Bus

Friday, a few minutes past 7pm, I was climbing up the Philcoa overpass, carrying a heavy backpack full of CD's, tapes, and papers I need to check, and a plastic bag containing other personal stuff. I was desperate to go home. I just wanted to have a change of scenery for a while. To escape from this mess that I have made of my life.

As I came to the other side, where the buses going south pass, I saw him.

I knew it, I thought. I knew something like this would happen today.

Apparently, he was on his way home too, from the size of his bag. He rode a bus and without thinking, I followed him and got on the bus, too.

He did not notice I was behind him. When he turned to seat himself on an empty three-seater seat, he finally did.

I sat beside him. My mind surprisingly blank. I never even looked at him as I sat down and arranged my things, but I realized I was sweating a lot for a properly air-conditioned bus.

He stood and tried to go the center aisle but I was on the way. "Please stay," I said. "I just want to talk."

He did not seem to hear me, and insisted on me getting out of the way for him. How can this have happened to us? I thought. Doesnt he remember who I was before it happened? "Please."

Reluctantly, he sat back down. "Look," he said impatiently, "I have made it clear that I do not wish to speak to you again. Will you leave me alone?"

Shocked silence. The bus conductor approached us, carrying the tickets. "We will pay later," I looked up and told the conductor in an unsteady voice. The conductor looked at us for a long while before going back to the front of the bus.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked him, almost in a whisper.

"You are annoying me. Just let me be!" he said.

"You did not answer my question..."

"Yes. Very! Now please, if you dont want me to leave, go!" gesturing with his hand. "Find some place else to sit."

I did not move. He made a frustrated movement and said something inaudible. I was momentarily afraid of him.

"Why? Why are you angry at me? Was what I did wrong? Shouldnt I have told you?" I asked him, keeping my eyes on the vandalisms in front of us.

He made an impatient noise, and looked outside through the window.

"Listen," I said, "I do not have feelings for you anymore. Can we at least be friends? Be civil, like what you said? I do not like all this hostility."

Our eyes met briefly, and he immediately looked away. He was still angry. "It doesnt matter what happens today. Whats done is done. Why cant you leave me alone?! Dont tell me you miss me! You do not even know me that well! Its your problem, not mine, and I will not do anything to make it easier for you."

"I did not imagine you would turn out to be this bad." I said ruefully after a while.

He simply looked outside again through the window. "I am not.." he began, but he did not finish what he was going to say.

I looked out through the same window, and found that we were approaching a convenient place I can get off to. "Do you have any parting words? I will get off at ______."

"Good luck," he said suddenly. "To your career... And to your life. I did not mean to hurt your feelings."

"I know, I understand. You've told me that," I replied coolly. I glanced at him, and he seemed to be thinking, his head bowed. I decided to push my luck.

"You know what, you have never been really away from my thoughts. You were always under my skin, all this time. I couldnt think of why it was so. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot shun you from my thoughts - I cannot understand why it happens in the first place," I chanced another look at him and he still looked like he was thinking, if a bit bored.

"But despite all that, I did not love you. I never did..." I continued. At that time, I felt a terrible sadness come upon me. "I wasted my feelings on you. I stayed in there longer than I should. Longer than everyone would have stayed. I do not know why I did that... if I really did not love you." The bus stopped.

"Or perhaps I am just a fool," I added to myself as I stood up to leave. I handed some money to the conductor without waiting for change before getting off the bus. I did not wait to see the bus move on. I walked away from it.

I stopped and stood on the sidewalk waiting for another bus, reflecting. Not really seeing the buses passing by. Not really trying to read where they were going. In my mind, I kept on repeating, "I will never see him again. I will never see him again..." Over and over in my mind. And despite myself, I stole a last long look at the back of the bus where he was, sitting comfortably, looking on the other side of the street. Perhaps already thinking about more important things - things that really matter to him... Things that will not make him angry, or at the least, things that will make him feel good.

Despite my control on myself, not minding the other people waiting, I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie.

Unraveling

My life is unraveling. 

Last night, Tin, Rolds, Chase, and me went to drink at Garahe. Its a very cheap place to drink and sing near our boarding house. I got drunk but not too drunk to puke. I was waiting for Chiyo to come home. But she didnt. I was looking high and low, drunk as I was. Morning met me lying on her bed alone...

I was furious. I met her at the lab and asked where she was last night. She apologized and all that... We talked during lunch, continually asking for forgiveness. After that, we went to the boarding house. I was sleepy, I thought of taking a short nap before coming back for my masterals at 4pm. While I was lying in bed, she cried on me. Cried and told me what was going on in her head all the time we were on this drift...

I slept after that. And I felt so wasted I decided not to come back to UP at all. I left my bag there. I left my lab gown at the lab. I did not care. Ive never been this reckless before. Cutting classes just because I felt that I cannot focus. I was even supposed to talk to Marnie, my former student, but I did not show up. I am so sorry. I just feel... wasted and reckless these days. As Ive said, my life is unraveling.

I have a lot to tell you today. Since "coming out", I do not have to guard what I am going to tell you. I can tell you anything I want to.

Here's one. A four-letter word I havent mentioned in my blo before: my zits! Yup thats right. Ive never been in this state before. I look positively alarming. They jusy keep on erupting on my face. I dont know what to do anymore!

Sometimes, it does get hard, you know, showing up in public. I hear things they say about me, and they do get me down. It does matter to me, no matter what I say. But not as much as it would matter to those very vain poeple I know. Worrying about a single blemish on their face! If they suddenly found themselves trapped within my body, theyd probably kill themselves.

The good thing is - at least Im a guy. I dont need to look pretty all the time. And besides (sorry if this sounds conceited), I really look good. I mean, its just these zits which make me repulsive at present. If you take these away, then voila! Magic...

I shouldve taken advantage of the time when I didnt have these. Like way back in high school.  I completely did not care about how I look. I shouldve flirted right and left back then. I should have used it! But still, it doesnt matter that much. Like what Eminem said, why do you care how I look unless you want to fuck me? The most I can say now is that I know that what I have now is temporary. I do not need to do plastic surgery to make myself good-looking. I just need to get rid of these blasted things on my face... How? I have no idea. Yet. Blast those genes which gave me this as well!

Anyway, did you know that I have this Harry Potter journal I used to keep on my college years? It was a gift from Ysis some Christmasses ago. At first, I didnt know what to write in there. I wasnt this mad a writer back then. So I just thought that since it was a Harry Potter journal, I might as well talk about Harry...

I used to have this obsession about looking like Harry. (But unfortunately, I look more like Harry's intestines these days...) There was this other student I keep on meeting who looks more like Harry than me. The effect? I keep on wishing hed die so I will be the only one left. Hehe!

After those foolish entries about looking like Harry. I went on to more serious ones - love and sexuality. I used to have conversations with myself in that journal. I was trying to find who I really was.

The last part I dedicated to my Island Journals. In there, I made believe that I was livin alone in an island in search of discovering my own identity. I have to say I learned a lot writing those entries, but what I learned wasnt conclusive. I still am searching until now...

Why an island? The first that comes to your mind probably is my surname - de la Isla or "of the island". True but actually, it was a symbolism of myself. I imagine myself as an island, but we all know that no man is an island. So in a way, I am blatantly saying that I am not fully a man. Read the yearbook when it comes out.

I just had to blog today. I am becoming too impulsive for my own good these days. Cutting classes, being absent... Doing things just becasue I wanted to, not considering things which I have to do. For instance, just a few hours ago. I thought of taking a shower since it was quite a warm night. The next thing I know, I was naked in the bathroom, staring at the hair on my nipples.

I wanted to talk more about nipple hair but this computer shop is closing so I better hurry and say goodbye. Thanks for those who are commenting on my entries!

Idle Itching

It wasnt a big deal, right?

This was the reason for my apprehension these past three days since I told you about it. I actually expected, ummm, comments about my blog. But there was none. Perhaps, you knew all along after all. Or perhaps you found it a touchy topic to talk about? Yeah, youd be quite thick if you were not able to guess what drives me to blog. Or maybe, you were deluded. The thing is, its out. So no more inhibitions for me.

What do you think of me now? How do you think I feel? I feel better actually. Better about myself. I think I made the right decision telling you. Somehow, I feel more relaxed. More free. Maybe after this, finally, I can learn to love myself for who I really am. You know, sometimes, I almost feel like laughing at myself. Because I am making myself believe that I actually have an audience out there. An audience observing my different posts. Following what is happening to my life... No matter. At least someone (hopefully) might have read my previous posts. So lets just say that I am writing for him/her. For you who is reading this entry. HI! by the way.

Yesterday, I did not go to work. I said I was sick. I wasnt sick physically though. It was one of those days when your emotional trauma catches up on you and interferes with the things you need to do... It was an unexcused absence.

Thankfully, my friends were there to cover for me at work. LE led my chem 16 classes. And she even visited me at the boarding house after school. She came with Kenneth (and a very much needed donut).

At about 8pm, two of my students, kikay GloAn and alcoholic/yosiholic Vener visited me at the boarding house. They surprised me. At least I was suitably attired, they did not catch me in my underclothes or something. Hehehe. We came up to the rooftop and lit some cigs there. We talked about stuff and I had a really nice time hanging out with them. I was really touched they had the time to visit me, even though they busted my sickness excuse. I was sick, a bit...

Anyway, things are still not okay for me. I dunno... Things are scaring me at present. What will come will come, and we will all have to meet it when it did. That may or may not mean anything.

I have to go for now. I have a masterals class. My hands just itched for a keyboard.

X and Y

This is my 40th blog entry... Ha! Are you tired of me filling your email with "Bryan Christian has updated his Friendster Blog"? Well, I am sorry. I did not mean to force you to read my entries. I just like to write that's all.

Today I feel afraid and in pain at the same time. Have I made a mistake? Sometimes I really have to make sacrifices to make things work. I want this to last, that's why I am doing this. I want to know now whether this is really who I was meant to be!

I could have gone on living a lie, knowing that sooner or later I will come back to that forbidden ground. I could have done that! Everybody might be happy now but what about tomorrow? The next day? Will you be happy being with me for a long time knowing that I am still searching inside? I want this over and done with!

Things are not easy for me but I have to stand up with my decision. For now. I have to do what I meant to do. I will. I really have to.

You know what I am sick of hiding from you, reader. I am sick of being ashamed of who I really am! From now on, I wont be! Why should I be ashamed of who I was born to be? Why should I try to conform to your rules? Why should I be ashamed of being bisexual?!

Yes, thats right reader! Thats right! I am a fag! Fairy! Call me whatever you want! I am so sick of hiding! So sick! Come on spit at me! Humiliate me! Push me away!! Thats what I have gone through in high school! Thats the hell Ive been to! Thats what youre good at, society! Youre good at making people suffer.

Just because I dont fit in your rules, does it mean that I am lower than you? Does it mean that I have to be laughed at? Not taken seriously?

You know what, its really unfair. I mean, I did not ask to be like this. Its already sad that I might not be able to have a normal life. No wife probably. No kids too, perhaps. And then you go add up to my miseries! Why do you have to push me down harder when I am already buried in the mud? Fuck you! You dont know how hard it gets!

But no, my miseries do not end in that. I have to be in between. I have to be partially immersed in both. Life will let me taste living a normal life, and yet, it will eventually take it away since I am not made for that. Just when I thought I could be happy, the Wheel turns... and... things happen again.

Reader, do you know how hard it is right now to keep on writing? (Shit, I just remembered a fucking cheap thing about PBB. This isnt inspired by that, I tell you!! I dont even watch that!) Do you know how slow my hand types right now? Do you know how my mind is telling me NOT to publish this entry at all? In fact, I am still not sure whether youd be able to read this or not.

You see. Even myself rejects who I really am! It is so hard to change what youve been taught to think. I cannot even accept myself. Why do I always have to struggle? Why do I have to keep it inside? Why do I try to change who I am?!

I am so sad, reader. I am very very sad. I long for the time when I will know who I really am. When I will have internal peace. Reader, I hate you. Youre okay, normal. You take being like that for granted. How I wish I was like you. But then, I am not. I am given this queer problem to handle. After years, still no answers, still suffering, still struggling. I long for that day when I do not have to bow my head in shame. When I do not have to fear jeers and catcalls following me. When I can be really proud of who I am. I dream of the day when I can proudly raise my chin up and say "Hi peeps, Im Bry. Im bisexual. I live a fuckingly hard life. But no matter! I am still me! I am proud of who I am. I can date everyone! Hahahaha!"

My fingers cringe. My eyebrows knot. My eyelids shut. Am I doing the right thing telling you? After this, can I still deny you of the truth? If you approach me and try to put it in the conversation, will I speak at all? Will I lower my eyes with unshed tears?

No more. No more please. I am a person too. I hurt too much right now. Please do not add to my miseries. No more hurting please. No more whispers. No more secret smiles. No more fake friendly faces. No more gossiping...

Reader, you might ask me - why did you have to let us know? Why did you have to be like Kris Aquino, telling us everything about yourself? The answer is, because you are my friend. I trust you, and I need your help.

Just to cheer me up, I cannot believe how brave I was to tell you all this. I am not ashamed to tell you who I really am. Youre my friend, you matter to me, and you deserve to know. Shit, I am so fucking brave, I could be a knight! Hehehehe! Or I could be Harry Potter! Thats better...

Home

I am feeling quite bad right now. I dont like how my life keeps going on in circles. Still, God (ok I admit it) gave me this chance to become normal, and yet what am I doing with it? Am I throwing it away? Am I wasting this chance to be who I want to be?

Why am I fighting who I really am? Why should it be harder for me? Is this how my life should be? Efforts, pretensions, looking away from what I really want? Why cant I make it work?!

It is driving me mad! I hate it. I hate it when I hurt the people who loves me most. I hate it, I do! But its at the expense of my own being. I could have kept it to myself and everything will still be normal now, but whats in store for me then? Can I be strong that long? Can I stand fighting myself?

I keep asking why I cannot be fully happy. Is it really me or am I just looking at the wrong people? Why shouldnt I finally accept that what should not be is whats really in store for me? Is this my fate? To be left of the middle? To be damned, cursed, humiliated?

Struggle struggle everyday. I am trying to be okay. In the end, it all comes down to this. And even if it hurts me now, perhaps this is the only way to make me finally happy. Really happy with everything.

Maybe I should just let go and try liking it. Face it. This is my life. This should be where I am headed.

Sometimes, I feel like that I should just die. Kill myself. I am denied things which is nothing for most. They take it for granted. What are high grades compared to this? Nothing! It doesnt count at all!! And some people envy me. I envy all of you!

I want to go home. And hug my mom, and cry on her shoulder. I will ask her why life is harder for me. I dont think she will fully understand, but it would be a comfort just having someone to cry to.

I hurt too. But I have to know. I just have to know...

I woke up this morning
Now I understand
What it means to give your life
To just one man
Afraid of feeling nothing
No bees or butterflies
My head is full of voices
And my house is full of lies

This is home

I found your standing there
When I was seventeen
Now I'm thirty-two
And I can't remember what I'd seen in you
I made a promise
Said it everyday
Now I'm reading romance novels
And I'm dreaming of yesterday

This is home

I'd like to see the Riviera
And slowdance underneath the stars
I'd like to watch the sun come up
In a stranger's arms

This is home

I'm going crazy
A little everyday
And everything I wanted
Is now driving you away
I woke up this morning
To the sound of breaking hearts
Mine is full of questions
And it's tearing yours apart

Tearing yours apart...

Bad Teacher

Today, I went to the College of Science Recognition Program for the University and College Scholars. I was a marshal (together with LE), and at the same time, an awardee. I was not really proud of it since I was only a College Scholar on the last sem of my undergrad college life.

Somehow, I hate it when I am around people who are smarter than I am. Especially those blasted University Scholars. Well, I used to be one of them too...

Perhaps some people might be annoyed about how I disregard my intellectual honors. I am sorry. I am not being cocky. You see I am not even the best, so what would I be cocky for?

I dont know... For me, it is not really that important whether I manage to get good grades or not. I think there are more important things in life than having a good academic record. I once told my 28.1 class that. Despite everything that I have, I feel empty. It is not because of my religious beliefs (which is about zero). Something more than that. Something more intimate. Something more personal than religion. And someday I will figure everything out then I will be completely happy.

All this is about saidin and saidar. To have saidin's power, you have to fight it all the way, otherwise it will consume you. You have to force it to do what you want it to do. For saidar, you have to let go of yourself. You have to be the calm riverbank, controlling the river, guiding its flow. You have to surrender...

Still, I am happy that I have this brain. It made my college life easier. I know, there are a lot of people like me out there. People brainier than me, therefore, I just wont talk about this.

My mom came with me to share the honor of the occasion. I am happy that I make her happy in some ways. However, it is depressing when I think about how I support my family financially. My dad doesnt have a job, and they scrap a living by selling turon and banana-Q and others.

I wanted to give them more money but I just dont have enough. My salary is not enough. I have my own expenses to cover. I rent, I pay for laundry, I buy my own food and other necessities, I had to go to the movies once in a while, I had to drink once in a while, and I had to buy smokes. I am not spending as much as I used to. I am trying to save but I dont have enough to save... Well this is turning out to be a depressing topic. Wanna talk about something else?

Okay... I am here in the faculty room. Instead of checking papers, I am taking a break writing this blog entry. I had to smoke before I got here. I was with my mom remember? So I cannot smoke while she was around. She knows that I smoke but I dont want to remind her. She is worried about my health (which as you can see, is not in the best of states.)

I think I am addicted to smoking now. I cant last a day without lighting some cigs. Its not that I really enjoy smoking. It seems like something that I had to do, like the urge to pee, for instance. You dont relish peeing, dont you?

I like trying different brands of smokes once in a while. My staple is Marlboro Lights. Its like my cigarette rice. Its easy to get and is cheap. Ive tried Gudang too. I dont believe that it really contains marijuana. Its a kretek cigarette! Thats all. And Im not addicted to it.

Ive also tried Black Bat. I dont like it. It just looks black, but otherwise, it tastes just like mild Gudang. I like West Ice, and sometimes, I like to try the fruit-flavored ones from Peel and DJ Mix. I really like Capri! I know its a woman's cigarette, but I really like how thin it is. You hardly feel it on your lips. It is like your sipping on nothing.

Winston Lights is okay if I cant find any Lights around. If Im bored with my Lights, I buy Reds, but I dont last long with them. I try Menthol once in a while too, but it is not my first option.

I like to drink too. I like feeling drunk. But perhaps that is for another blog entry. Which reminds me that I am going to my former student, Adrian's birthday party this afternoon. Perhaps Id drink there. I will be going with some of my other students too. It will be uncomfortable if I am the only one who will drink (while the rest of them sip tea and eat crackers?) I hope they would drink too, even just a little... (Bad teacher!)

Bad Teacher, what nice words. In fact, I already typed it as the title of this entry. I am a bad teacher. I am not your goody-two-shoes prof. I drink, I smoke, I dont check papers in time, I say bad words in class, etc. And yet, I love my students. I love teaching. What a combination! I wont change. This is what makes me me.

A normal entry. Typical of me. I should end my entries with my favorite word - capital M, capital E - ME!