Hunk

Bry: Guys, nag-gygym na ako!
Others: (Shocked na shocked, pero pipigilan ang pagtawa. Akala nagjojoke ako, pero looking at my expression... mukhang seryoso nga ang loko) Wow! Good for you! (Dont forget the forced smile... Pero sa loob-loob iisipin na baka nagpapatawa pa din ako.)

Ang hirap pala mag-gym. Disiplina kung disiplina. Bukod sa mahirap na talaga ang maglift ng weights at ang pag-subject sa sarili sa malalaking torture machines, kailangan mo siyang ituloy-tuloy. Wala pa nga akong one week sa gym e naka-dalawang cancel na ako. Ang hirap kasi gumising sa umaga. Tapos biyahe pa din for me.

Buti na lang talaga kasama ko si LE sa gym. Nahihiya kasi ako sa katawan ko dun. Parang one-half lang ako nang ibang tao dun. Yung iba pa nga, one third lang siguro ako. Karamihan kasi, gusto yatang mag-lose ng weight. The rest, ok na ang mga katawan at nagtotone na lang siguro. Ako lang ang nag-iisang patpatin. Pero bakit ba? Alam ko payatot ako kaya nga nag-gygym e. At least I'm doing something about it.

At syempre hindi lang naman gym ang ginagawa ko. Sinusubukan ko ding mag-gain ng weight. Ang weird nga e. Kasi nung tinimbang ako sa gym, aba gumaan pa ako! Wow! Magka-weight na nga kami ni LE...

Ang hirap pala kumain nang madami. Hindi kasi talaga ako mahilig sa food. Kahit anong sarap pa ng food na iyan, kung busog ako at hindi ko feel kumain, ayoko talaga. Pinipilit na lang nga ako ni LE kumain minsan. Pinapabili niya ako ng maraming food tapos hindi niya ko tatantanan hanggang hindi ko nauubos iyon. Sabihin ko "Oo, kakainin ko mamaya...'. Pero sasabihin niya, "Hindi, now na! Kainin mo iyan! You don't know how hard it is for me! Ako gusto kong kainin iyan, pero pinipigilan ko lang sarili ko" Hehehe. Sabi nga namin, kaya kami bestfriends e dahil pareho kami ng weight. Kapag bumigat na ako, at gumaan na siya, magdridrift apart na din kami.

Natutuwa ako sa gym. As in yung gym place. Maganda kasi. Amoy eucalyptus ang hangin tapos pwede pa manood ng TV habang nagtretreadmill. Naalala ko pa nung una akong nag-treadmill... Tinawanan pa ko ni LE... Pakshet.

Astig din yung locker room. Puro salamin, pati yung lockers. Nung una nagulat ako nang bigla na lang may naghubad sa gilid ko. Well, kebs naman ako. Eventually hindi ko na naiisip kung may ibang tao ba kung magpapalit ako ng damit.

Tiba-tiba ang mga gays sa wet area. Isang tanggalan lang ng curtain at voila! Kitang-kita nila in all their glory ang kanilang mga type na hunks. Hehe. Buti na lang nung nag-shower ako wala akong kasabay. Otherwise, baka may iba nang nangyari.

Ang weird naming mga bisexuals 'no? You can't place us anywhere. We defy your rules. Ilagay mo man kami sa men's area or sa women's area, jackpot kami lagi. Kahit na may separate section na "Wet Area for Bisexuals", aba tiba-tiba pa rin kami! Dapat meron kaming individual na area para walang malisya.

Baka isipin niyo naman malibog ako. Hindi yata oi! (Ilang percent sa inyo ang maniniwala dun?) Nilalagay ko naman sa lugar. Kung gym, gym lang. Kung sex, sex. At hindi ko naman na-consider na manilip or kung anuman dahil baka mabugbog pa ako dun at ma-evict sa gym. And in any case, I'm taken. Yikes! Wehehehe...

Which leads me to the question... Why now? Why get physically healthy now? Una, dahil nagkataon na may promo yung gym na yun kaya nakamura kami ni LE. Pangalawa, may motivation na ako. May goal na akong pinatutunguhan. Dati talaga, I didn't care much about how I look kasi wala naman akong pinopormahang tao. Hindi talaga ako nag-eeffort. Kung poporma man ako, hanggang damit lang kasi nga hindi masyado nakakapagod iyon. Bili lang nang bili. Sinasabi ko pa nga dati na ang vain ng mga taong yun. Look who's talking now? Ngayon, nalaman ko na talaga ang purpose ng pagpapapogi.

Yun na nga lang ang iniisip ko e, habang nagwowork-out. Kahit na ang hirap na talaga, at nangangatog na ang mga muscles ko in protest. Go pa din! Kaya ko 'to! Para 'to kay Cookie! Aaaaargh!!! Rest lang ng ilang moments tapos sige pa! Rip daw ang muscles. Sige rip pa! Rip me!!! Waaah!

Pag-uwi ko sa apartment, derecho higa na ako sa pagod. Kinabukasan masakit ang chest, ang arms, masakit abs ko, pero gusto ko nga iyon kasi at least may nangyari sa kanila. Pahinga ng isang araw tapos sabak na naman sa gym.

Tapos, after all pala, hindi din ako magugustuhan ni Cookie 'no? Wow sakit 'nun. All that effort for nothing? Ouch! Pero hindi ko naman ginagawa ito dahil sinabihan niya ako. Ginagawa ko ito para sa kanya. Para hindi niya na ako sabihan ng Skeleton Warrior. After some time Cookie, sasabihan mo din ako ng "I love you, my hunk."

Haay ang saya talaga mangarap.

Skeleton Warrior

Chest pain. Blinking lights. Christmas. Problem set. Food. Skeleton Warrior. Presscon. Cancellation. Apathy. Cutting classes. Deal. Rain. Lunch date. Cancellation. Silence. Sorry. Cry.

Motivation

I was supposed to go to the gym today with LE. Today should have been my first step towards self-improvement, but last night's happenings kept on intruding on my motivation on why I am going to the gym in the first place.

Being in this position is not easy for me. I am trying to start a new chapter in my life but I still don't know how to tread these waters. I have to keep on pushing myself to go forward. I have to keep my confidence on a high all the time. I have to remind myself of my goal.

What I've learned from this past week is that if you really want something, you really have to work on it. I was used to being pampered when it comes to relationships. Now it's my turn to sweat for it. It's my turn to feel awkward all the time, unsure whether I'm doing okay or not. Unsure whether I really have a chance or I'm just working hard for something which has long been decided on.

But no matter what happens, reader, I will do my best in this. I will just be myself, so that even if it fails, I will know that I will still be okay.

Noon

Dilaw ang ilaw sa paligid habang nilalagok ko ang malamig kong Red Horse. Si Mommy at Daddy ang kainuman ko. Si Daddy, wala pang isang baso, lasing na daw. Si Mommy naman, umiinom nga, inuubos naman ang pulutan naming chicharon at Mr. Chips.

Nakikinig kami sa tape recording noong bata pa ako at kakapanganak pa lang ng kapatid kong si David. Narinig ko ang maliit na boses ko nung 3 years old pa lang ako. Ang matamis na boses ni Mommy habang dinuduyan ang kapatid kong si David, pati ni rin ang malalim na boses ni Daddy habang nagchachant siya ng dasal-Buddhist. Umeksena ang makulit na boses ng pinsan kong si Ate Giz, at narinig ko din ang boses ni Lolo Kiko, na ngayon ay patay na. Narinig ko din ang pagkanta ni Tita Grace, at ang garalgal ng mga eroplano sa Paranaque. Pati ang kahol ng aso nila Ka Paping, ang aming kapitbahay.

Tumanda na kaming lahat. Si Mommy at Daddy, may mga white hairs na. Si David, nabaliw na. Si Tita Grace, may asawa na at dalawang anak. Pati si Ate Giz, may baby na din. Ako... Ako, ano nang nangyari sa akin simula noon?

Kakaiba ang pakiramdam habang pinakikinggan ang sarili mong boses noong bata ka pa. Ang cute ko pa nun, at ang bait. "Ito po ba?" Sabi ng munting Bryan sa Mommy nya noon. "Nagpo-po ka pa sa 'min nun e," sabi ni Mommy ngayon.

Nakikita ko ang mga alaala sa mata nina Mommy at Daddy. Parang ang saya-saya pa namin lahat nun. Parang ang sisimple pa ng buhay namin lahat.

Umakyat na si Daddy para patulugin si David, at naiwan kami ni Mommy, magkaharap sa mesa habang ang pusa kong si Baby ay natutulog sa isang upuan.

"Mommy," sabi ko. "May bago akong nililigawan ngayon..."

Tiningnan nya ako. "Sino?"

"Lalaki..."

"Naku... Ano ka ba..."

Tumawa na lang ako. Pinipilit kong ipatindi sa kanya na ang mga taong kagaya ko ay normal. Hindi namin pinipiling maging ganito. Dapat ay suportahan niya ako sa mga ginagawa ko. Kung saan ako masaya, doon ako pupunta.

"Hindi pa alam ng daddy mo..."

"Talaga?" Nagulat ako. Sinabi ko kasi kay Mommy dati na siya na ang bahalang magsabi kay Daddy. Pero hindi niya ginawa, ibig sabihin ayaw talaga ni Mommy na malaman ni Daddy. "Mabuti nga. May pagka-makitid kasi si Daddy..."

"E kasi si David, baliw na. Tapos ikaw... Ganyan ka pa."

"Oo nga. Mahirap nga yun para sa kanya..." sagot ko. "Sa akin ba matatapos ang lahi natin?"

Hindi na siya nakasagot.

Makalipas ang ilang oras, nakahiga na ko sa kama. Nagwawala. Lasing na lasing. Namalayan ko na lang si Daddy sa tabi ko, pinipilit akong kausapin. "Ano ba problema? Bakit ka naglalasing?"

Hindi ako sumagot. Hindi ko masabing hindi ko kayang maging perpekto. Sa pamilya namin, on both sides, ako ang bida. Ako ang pinakamatalino. Pinakamagaling. Bukambibig ang pangalan ko tuwing may mga okasyon ang pamilya. Proud sila sa akin. Pero magiging proud pa ba sila kapag nalaman nilang may boyfriend ako?

Inalalayan ako ni Daddy na bumangon at pinainom ako ng kape. Ang tamis masyado. Panigurado si Daddy ang nagtimpla nun.

"Ganyan ka pala kapag nalalasing," sabi ni Mommy habang pinupunasan ang mukha ko ng maligamgam na tubig. "Dapat huwag ka na mag-iinom..."

"Ano ba ang problema?" tanong pa din ni Daddy.

Hindi pa din ako sumagot. Ang anak mo, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ang anak mo... Ako ang problema.

Para akong sinapian. Pumipilipit ang katawan ko, ang mga kamay ko. Giniginaw ako. Kung anu-anong tunog ang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Parang boses-bata. Yung boses ko na narinig ko sa recording na pinakinggan namin.

Heto, Mommy at Daddy, ang anak niyo ngayon. Heto si Bryan, naglalasing dahil nalaman niyang hindi na siya kagaya nang dati... Hindi na siya bata para muling bumalik sa inyong mga piling tuwing nahihirapan siya sa totoong buhay.

Music Update: "Break" Lineup Finalized

04 September 2006
Cebu City

Music compilation guru, Mr. Bryan Christian N. de la Isla, has announced the finalization of the songs to be included in this semester's much-awaited album from Electrique, "Break."

In a press conference held in the Shangri-la Hotel in Cebu City, Mr. de la Isla gave hints and comments about his latest music sensation yet to come. "This album is my loudest album yet. You will be blown away by the first few songs in this one, and the energy level is sustained until the five or four ending songs. This one will keep you jumping and tearing at your hair!"

The media people asked him what was the inspiration for this sudden change in theme, since his past four albums were all decidedly sad. "So much has happened for the past few months," he answered. "That I got sick of the endless drama and self-analysis shit. Now I've got a reason to celebrate and be as loud as I can."

The people nagged him about this latest source of inspiration, but he only replied that that information is confidential.

But what does "Break" really mean? "It means to break away," he announced. "Break away from the chains that hold us back from who we really are. I got this from a line from track number 4. It says 'I will break away, I'll find myself today...'"

When reporters asked how this one compares to previous albums, Mr. de la Isla replied, "I cannot say if this is better than "Lovely" or not. What I am certain of is that this is the most upbeat, most angsty, and least sad of all my albums. If critics say that Lovely is still the best, I'm sure that this will be the second best one."

"The songs in "Break" are arranged in a storybook manner. You have the introductory songs, the body, and the conclusion. That's why it starts loudly, yet [it] ends peacefully... Listeners can easily figure out the message behind this album."

The fans clamored about what songs will be included for this compilation, and to this Mr. de la Isla replied, "It's from a mixture of old and new bands. I have songs from my old faves, The Cranberries, Alanis Morissette, Linkin Park, and Avril Lavigne, as well as from new faves like Fiona Apple, Dashboard Confessional, Smashing Pumpkins, Corinne Bailey Rae, and even Enya."

Mr. de la Isla ended the conference amidst loud disapproval from fans and the media people alike. "I have some matters to attend to, and funds to raise..." he said, turning away while immediately answering a phone call.

The cover for "Break", Electrique confirmed, has been completed weeks before, but the inlay is yet to be finished. If sufficient funds will be collected, the album will be released late this September or in early October.
(RIOTERS)

Cookie

I'm too conscious of you reading this I cannot express myself fully and freely. I've erased the lines I've written here five times because I cannot settle on what to write and how to write it. I can't help but be aware that whatever I write in here (since this is about you again) will make you happy.

I've never been this hesitant when I am blogging. I used to rattle the keyboard (especially when I'm really into something angsty) when I'm writing in here. I used to type whatever comes into my head without hesitation, not minding who will get hurt or who will be scandalized about how much I've put in here.

The fact is - I am changing. I am changing too soon for someone I haven't even met yet. We've talked about this and we've agreed on taking it slow and I heartily agreed on that since that is the way to really make it last, but I can't seem to slow down and dwell more on what is real than on what could be. I am aware of everything that might happen to me if things start falling down but I can't help it because this feeling that I have about you (don't worry this isn't love yet) is making me so damn happy.

This fondness for you is changing me for the better. I actually understood a bit about my Chem 250 earlier, because I didn't feel sleepy all throughout the class. I even nodded with Sir when I understood bits of the hieroglyphical equations he is teaching us. And I was able to do that because I thought that it will make you happy if I do better in my MS classes. I even scribbled little hearts (forgive me) and smiley faces on the edges of my notebook because I felt so strangely high.

The gym thing I told you about, and my sudden surge for checking papers I haven't told you about - they are for you. Now, you might be thinking that I am falling way too fast. I am letting you take control over me even if you really are still a stranger to me. I know. I know this will only cause me more pain in the end if things fall down. I keep reminding myself about that, more often with every hour that passes but I won't stop how I'm letting you affect me because you're changing me for the better. It's like all the love I've been longing to share has found a new conduit in you.

I envy you, you know that? Because you're still a tough cookie. You are not attached to me yet. And I think that even if we've been communicating for weeks and I suddenly disappear, you won't feel me go. I envy you because of your control over your emotions. But still, I thank you for that because you're keeping me at bay. Otherwise, I'd be off to the moon by this time, and I might not be able to come back down again.

But even if things fall down. Even if we've found out that we cannot be together, I won't regret what I am putting myself into right now. I will not deny that I will be... devastated, but just the thought that I was able to spend some time with you. That I was able to get to know you, and be friends with you - that's enough compensation for the tears I might shed in the future.

4D

Focus Bry. Focus. Set your goal. Know how to get there. Take things slow. Calm down. Do it right this time. Of all times, you shouldn't lose your concentration now. More important than passing the boards. More important than graduating. Of all times, Bryan, do the best that you can do! Keep your heart at bay, don't forget to consult your brain. Balance. Sabi niya, huwag ka daw ma-addict. Hehehe... Enjoy this while you can, Bry. You're doing well!