Electrique Electrifies With Its 29th Album, "Electric Dreams"

My dearest friends,

Here I am again, being manipulated by my artsy self to scratch on your doors for the umpteenth time to offer some fresh hip music I've compiled. And this time, I am dedicating the whole album to you!

Yes, finally, I've come to my senses long enough to finally recognize my friends who have been with me since the beginning. I'm aware that I've been finding myself down in the dumps more and more often recently, and when I'm at my worst, I gain enough lucidity to acknowledge that it is my friends who tirelessly push me up until I can be trusted to stand on my own again. So thanks to you, I am still alive. Thanks to you, I'm already at my 29th album!

I've always wanted to make a dreamy-sounding album. You know that feeling of wonder you get when you're watching something fascinating? Like a heart-tugging scene in a movie or when you're watching a fireworks display? Yes, I've always wanted to encapsulate that feeling into an album. And with my limited skills, this is the closest I can come to capturing that.

This is an upbeat electropop album, although not danceable. If you've listened to my hardcore cold synth album "Drifter", then you can consider this album to be its sunshinier cousin. Not that they sound very similar since I avoid repeating my themes and sounds but that's the closest comparison I can make.

I like this album. A lot. At its shallowest, this album makes me smile. At its deepest, this album makes images flash in my mind. Images of happy moments, wondrous moments. Moments which make me run in the mouth and say "OMFG is this really happening this f**king sounds so good I think I'm gonna cry." These songs make me feel like I'm floating. And not in a lost, "Head in the Clouds" way, mind.

Speaking of my previous album, "Electric Dreams" is, in a way, an odd sequel to the theme I've been building. "Head in the Clouds," through its ruminations and escapism, ends with an acceptance, and "Electric Dreams" extends that fulfillment to others - the people around me. Unlike that previous album though, this doesn't focus very much on me, but on us. Me and you. Together. More of you actually.

It doesn't take too long into the album to grasp what it really is about, and the reason for its title will reveal to be self-explanatory. Now I know that friendship may sound like a very cliched theme for an album, and many might be turned off by it. But I've been careful with the songs I picked here and I've engineered the sequence so that each song will be at its most effective. There is a plot to the songs in here (hard to believe, but there is an emotional progression) and the lyrics, though mild as milk, are clever and imaginative.

This album is safe. It is easily likeable. It has been a very long time since I've compiled a completely feel-good album (the last was 2010's "808") and you can see here how much I've improved since then. I've proved here that I can be fun without being cheap. I can be happy without being shallow.

Now I hope, with all these introductions, I've primed you enough to want to listen to it, right? So let's smile and celebrate for this is about us! A thank you gift for everything that you've done for me. Just click the link below:

ELECTRIC DREAMS

Until the next album (which might come really soon)!


P.S.
A DELUXE version of this album will be released this March. For my students who will be graduating soon.

Just One Drink

Just this morning, I... I thought I've finally found the answer. The answer to why I should live.

And moments like that, when they come at you, you don't just say "Ok." They take a while to settle. You need to smoke some cigs while you mull it over in your head. You need to wallow in it a bit. And so that was what I did. It was early in the morning, very early, around 3. And I felt so intense I just had to pace a bit in our living room.

And the answer I found was that I should live to help the others really live. That the things I've understood must not go to waste. It must not end with my death. What I've found, it must be shared. My life had been pushing me to become the center of a rebellion. A rallying point. A catalyst of change. I did not really ask for it but there it came and here it is and I might as well go on and see it through the end. Live it through and see what will come out of this. Not everyone can take this place. Not everyone can grow into it. So I might as well step up to the role.

That very few can see the world without bias and accept it for what it really is. That very few are willing to sacrifice their selfishness for the benefit of all. That very few are willing to take the first steps to really fight for freedom and equality. There are already very few of us and if I die, who will this world have left? I must live. I must see it through. I must do my part. I only have a limited time in this world so I might as well spend it meaningfully. And what ca be more meaningful than to help others find meaning? How it all fits. How it was as clear as day, this morning, while I was pacing in my living room.

But just this evening, on my way back from work - tired, my feet sore, stuck in traffic. This evening, with my head leaning on the window, this cloud of dark thoughts formed over my head. That yeah, the things I realized this morning may have been right, but is this world really worth it? And then I thought of how unfairly this world had treated me. How silly most people are. How stupid. How incapable. Is this world worthy? I'm going to burn my life away for these people around me? And I answered with "No. Hell no."

Because I'm tired. I just want things to stop for a bit. I just want to stop working for a bit. I just want to catch my breath. But my parents are incapable. The rest of my family is incapable. I must keep running and I'm tired. Just one year. Just a few months? I'm tired and I deserve a break. I just want to fall by the wayside. There was this one guy I thought I can lean my head on for a bit. But I think he doesn't want me like that. They all need just this one thing from me and he's only going to use me up till I'm dry. Now I'm done. I want to be done with him. You go ahead and move forward. You go ahead. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I'm done. You go and take care of what I haven't finished. I deserve a break don't I? I've been working real hard. Grant me this wish. Let me go.

Let me go, people. I don't think I'm really made to last long in this world. I'm not healthy and I think too much. I'm not equipped with what it takes to survive in this society. I can't change and conform to your silly rules. People like me, we burn brightly then we die quickly. And I feel like I'm on my last legs. So give me permission to surrender. Tell me that you will understand so I will not have the burden of explaining.

Let me go, please, tell me. Give me your permission. I want to die with my conscience clean. I would have loved to see this through but I'm tired and I don't think I can go on anymore.

One drink and I'm gone. Just one drink and it's over.

Let me go will you please let me go.

Please.

Let me go.

I'm done and you go on without me.

Death, Doubt, & Duality

Of all the things that we have to prepare for in this life, I think that death is the one which we keep on sweeping under the rugs. I would hate that feeling - dying without being ready for it. There are no second chances of course. It's the most final thing in everyone's lives. So shouldn't that fact make it our number one priority? That early on, we must be aware about this and that we should take on steps to ensure that our death goes well and is taken in well? Isn't this the best measure of how well you lived? That you've lived well enough to have understood and to have readied yourself for your demise?

Death is a fact. Though I think most of us avoid talking, much less thinking about it because we are afraid of what is unknown. We are afraid of how it is not to exist. It is almost never taken in jovially. One reason for this is that we never really ready ourselves for it. We do not think about it enough so when it does happen, it hits us in the face hard. It is an emotional concept - all this avoidance of thinking about death. Take your emotions out of it and you will see that you can take it in stride better. Avert your eyes or stopper your ears all you want but it cannot be denied that this is a fact.

This preparation aspect is one of the major attractions of committing suicide. Because when you commit your own death, you are avoiding being caught off-guard. Accidents are terrible ways to die. I've been in a few near-miss incidents already, and that feeling you get when you think you're about die? It's ugly. It sends your brain in a panic that it will be almost impossible to keep calm and to think clearly. You won't have time to settle your nerves. And that's not very good, I think.

If I were to be able to choose how I'd die, I want to die calm. I want my mind to be peaceful. I want it to be deliberate. Because I want it to be a well-made decision and after, I don't want people to whisper about how untimely my death was. I want to die with my motives cleared. I want to die as my own careful and calculating self. Not that tangled yarn of nerves I know I'd be if I were to die in a freak accident.

Dying from an illness is okay, as long as I'm given ample time to ready myself for it. And by that, I mean thanking those I've encountered through this experience. I'd like to share what I'm going through to everyone who would care to know how it feels, even to my last breath. I'd be writing nonstop then, probably, on my last days. I'm worried about how painful dying from an illness may possibly be though. Other than the sensation itself, I'm worried about how it might affect my preparations. How it might prevent me from thinking clearly during those last moments.

I've been living with this awareness in mind for many years now, and it's curious how it affects my experiences. It made me immerse myself in the moment. It made me more reckless and it made me let go of my inhibitions, but at the same time I also felt a measure of detachment. And that last one stems from this awareness that all this is fleeting. If you see me drunk and dancing with abandon in a club, be assured that that is only on the surface. I may be having fun for real but it does not erase this disconnection. That gets worse at times, and sometimes I almost feel like I am only going through the motions of living. That "who I really am" is not what you see but the one pulling the strings of this physical body.

Now many might think this an unhappy way to live one's life. And perhaps it is. But have you noticed that those who promote happiness seem like pushing it too much? There is doublethink at work here. You have to force yourself to be always happy and try to see the good in everything. Like what they say, happiness is a choice. And if it is a choice then a decision was made. Like yes or no. True or false. But remember that just because we chose our answer does not mean that we must convince ourselves it was the right answer and that we should pretend that other options do not exist. I suppose I am like this because I chose to live a balanced life. Not trying too much to be happy nor dwelling too much on being sad. Whether Yes or No is the correct answer, no one really knows. So I chose not to answer instead. I don't think we are required to give an answer anyway.

No matter how many times I've been unsettled by my own thoughts and findings, I prefer to be like this because understanding brings me peace of mind. There is a feeling of strength in that. A feeling of certainty. Neither happy nor sad, but a calm acceptance. Finding what is true without letting yourself be biased by any emotion. For me, someone who is always trying to be happy is like someone who keeps getting drunk. You may be doing great now but what if that bottle is taken away. What then?

I think that death shouldn't always be sad and life shouldn't always be happy. They are neither, I think.

I'm not claiming I'm sure about these things. I don't really know the answers. Sometimes I think I catch glimmers of it but I'm not sure they are within the grasp of my mind. I have much to learn. Been existing for 28 years and still quite dumbfounded about the why's and the how's but at least, I know the question. Or do I, really?

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. Ignorance is a condition of learning. Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.”

- Robert Anton Wilson

My Top 12 Songs for 2012

There had been quite a number of artists I love who released new albums this year but for this list I am going to exclude the indie artists I like because well, I'm not sure anybody would recognize them. I would have loved to include the non-single songs too but so other people can relate to this, I've decided to keep this limited to officially released pop songs for this year. But enough talk, let's get this countdown rollin'!

12. Rihanna - "Diamonds"

I make it a habit to be updated about the biggest pop stars because I always want to be the first to hear their next singles and with this one, I really did not like it the first time I heard it. I was greatly puzzled about how midtempo it was for a first single by Rihanna. It sounded like a B-side song, but well, I suppose Rihanna has grown too popular that she can make almost any song work. This is a grower though, just like some of her previous singles. It took a while before its awesomeness sunk in. And when it did, I realized that I like it enough.

11. One Direction - "One Thing"

Err, I feel a bit shy about admitting this but I do like One Direction because they have some of the catchiest songs in pop. I like the acoustic version of this song better and I don't even have a copy of the album version. And yeah, I've been fantasizing about playing this on my guitar and singing it to someone. Great song. One of those which stick immediately after the first listen.

10. Pink - "Try"

This isn't a mind-blowing hit from Pink but I like it still because of the lyrics. Although it's laudable from an artistic perspective, I don't really like what she did in this song's video. For me, this song is best heard coming from the heart and well, I think the video took out some of the vulnerability. When I play this song loudly I feel like falling on my knees. pleading in anguish. I can relate to this song well. Ehem.

9. fun. - "We Are Young"

I had goosebumps when Rhay first had me listen to this song. It was just... wow. And mind you, the song still wasn't famous when she shared it to me. To mark that moment, I had this song included in my mixtape "Revelations" and this was released about a month before it topped the charts. Glee still beat me to it though since they found and sang it first. Also, another one of those indie songs finally doing well in the charts, possibly following after the footsteps of Foster the People. Will indie still be indie if they became too popular? A disturbing thought.

8. Ellie Goulding - "Lights"

I already knew of this song way back last year and I was somewhat disappointed when it was re-released. I suppose Ellie Goulding wanted to break into the American market. My fave part of this song is when that drum bass kicks in towards the last. I can feel that boom rebounding in my chest. A very different sound from the other more common pop songs. Glad she's adding some variety to the radio at least. Great artist.

7. Jessie J - "Domino"

I've been seeing Facebook raves about this song for a couple of weeks before I first heard this on MTV and my initial reaction was... meh. I thought she was trying too hard to craft a hook and that it sound too samey with other songs. It took several immersions in this song before I began to see that it was really good and now everytime I play this record I feel all sparkly and glittery as if I was having the most euphoric moment of my life. Never fails to make me feel good.

6. Adele - "Set Fire to the Rain"

In my book, nothing beats "Someone Like You" (which topped my list list year) but this is certainly my second favorite Adele song. I heard she already released it last 2011 in the UK but then it only became popular here and in the States this year. This is another one of those effectively "feely" songs, it can bring you to that particular moment. I can almost feel that rain. "My hands, they were strong. But my knees were far too weak." Too apt for me. Too apt. I believe I did listen to this song repeatedly while I was walking home under a light drizzle. F na F lang ang peg!

5. Karmin - "Brokenhearted"

I knew of this song at least a month before it gained a lot more airplay and I was the first to announce it so in Facebook. It did not get any likes though. When I first heard it on the radio, I was immediately hooked though I thought it was a Ke$ha song. Right away I looked it up and kept playing it on loop for days. I just couldn't get enough of it. I dance to this song too. On my own. Too bad it didn't make a bigger impact in the charts. Pure pop bliss.

4. Katy Perry - "Part of Me"

This song isn't exactly spectacular or innovative when it comes to its hook but there's something about the Max Martin quality of it which makes this one of those near-perfect pop songs. Calculated, but ruthlessly effective. One of those songs which make you think that you knew about it, maybe sometime in your past life, even before you heard it. And yeah, I remember that night when this song kept me awake. I couldn't stop listening to it! Not my fave Katy Perry song but definitely one of her best.

3. Carly Rae Jepsen - "Curiosity"

I admit that I've been skeptical about Carly Rae Jepsen, both with the success of "Call Me Maybe" and her credibility as an artist. But the next thing I knew, that song was being played everywhere and her album, "Kiss", when it was released garnered positive reviews from critics. So when I looked up the other songs there, "Curiosity" was hands down, the standout track for me, although to be honest, her songs sound samey. "Curiosity" was actually released in an EP after "Call Me Maybe" so even if it didn't really hit the airwaves here, it was eligible for this countdown. I highly recommend this to all pop fans. This is a gem. She sorta reminds me of M2M here and us pop fans need our dose of wee-inducing tweeny pop every now and then. Clever lyrics too, in this song.

2. Ke$ha - "Die Young"

I get the feel that many people do not really consider Ke$ha as a true artist because, well, she sounds very trashy, and her autotune does not do her any singing favors. But there's something about her self-penned melodies which really radiate that sense of reckless abandon. Her songs just bring to mind those rave parties where you throw up in the end. I was one of the first to hear this since I was waiting for it and with "Die Young", I think Ke$ha has found that balance. It's still very her, but I get the feeling that she thought well about this. And the touches of guitar brought her a touch of maturity. Trashy she may be but sometimes you do feel like being trashy for a change. And of course, this was the song we danced to in Stereochem and that feeling I got in the end of our number when the unanimous applause of the crowd in that event drowned us? That moment is sealed in this song.

1. Taylor Swift - "Begin Again"

Like last year, the song which topped my list is one which I can relate to very well. There were weeks when I played nothing but this song. As in. Nothing else. And it will be no exaggeration if I say that I've played this more than a hundred times already. There's something about the lyrics of this song which make me feel like I could have written it. Something about its simple melody which struck me to the core and yeah, this made me cry. Some songs may make us dance. Some may make us tap our feet. But these songs which touch our hearts... These songs are the ones which last for the rest of our lives.

"But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again..."

My anthem of the year.

My Public Private Image

Before I posted my last entry, I did pause for a bit and considered while my cursor hovered over the "Publish" button. Is "Boobs" really worth sharing? Isn't this too personal? Am I skirting the line again between what is reasonably allowed and what is embarrassing to tell? But I went on with clicking that button anyway. Because I reasoned out that I was just having fun and others might get a laugh (or a snicker) out of what I wrote. Mostly though, I went on with sharing it because I am just being me. This is Bryan we're talking about here. No brakes. No holds barred.

I used to be much worse than how I am recently and if you've been around me for a while you'd know this. I used to share all my sexual exploits and encounters. Uncomfortable situations. Awkward ideas which put people's backs up. Even secrets everyone in their right minds would have taken with them to their graves. Some of my friends used to joke around that if people wanted to know what's up with me recently, all that they had to do was visit my Facebook wall and voila, everything's in there. At least, I say to myself, that means that some people do want to be updated about me. And I find that weird.

And let's not forget about all the stories I've shared in front of my classes, especially back when I was still in UP. So much so that some students had to comment about it in my SET's and although they were far from negative (they said they're quite funny actually), that alerted my superiors and made them more curious about what I do in class. Looking back though, I think I could have used a little more filtering about my stories. Not that I divulge every stinking detail about my exploits since I skip over the nasty or the definitely racy bits. I do try to retain a measure of dignity ya know. But I partly wish that I could have zipped my blabbing mouth a bit because, well, my apparent transparency eventually got me into trouble. And that's why I'm keeping my head low in my new workplace.

One of my friends used to wonder why I share too much about myself, and he was referring to the time I was making jokes about STD's in Facebook but then after knowing me better, he said that he finally understood. He said that it was because I simply did not care about what others think about me. He was right, of course, but he didn't agree that I had the right perspective.

Another time I had this serious conversation with another friend and she was telling me that contrary to my lifestyle, most people prefer to put up images of themselves and that those images were of the utmost importance to them. Those images meant everything to some of them even. I think my jaw dropped after hearing that, although it really wasn't a farfetched concept and if I thought about it I could've figured it out on my own. I was simply startled at the emphasis some people painstakingly build about how they are perceived by other people when I don't give a damn about it.

What she said wasn't necessarily about faking a personality, although I think I know a few who do that. She said it's more of having an image of yourself and building on it and projecting those qualities which will lend credibility to that image and hiding those which would not. I find that an uncomfortable way to live one's life. Because in my opinion, if you're making an effort to be like that even if you're not then I don't think you're living at all. Who are you then? And she retorted that for some people, that isn't a very important question, both from their perspective and from those around them. In the end though, I conceded that there are really no rules on how to live your life. Obviously. To each his/her own.

But I understand now though that these so-called images are important. Because whether we are aware of it or not, I think most of us try to get a picture of each other's characters and we use these to help us interact with them. And our judgements of course mostly come from what we see on the surface.

For instance, at a recent Christmas party with my high school friends, I observed that a couple of my friends who I am not particularly close with tended to give wrong judgments about my character. One of them kept sexualizing everything that I said when in fact, I am one of those few who do not have lust at the foremost of my thoughts (I am going to address this more in the next paragraph). Another friend thought that just because I am an atheist and that I'm emo at times, I would automatically be attracted to darknesses and despairs and loneliness. My other friends, whenever they notice I'm happy, they always connect it to me having a new love and when I say that that isn't the case, they find that hard to believe. It was as if they expect me to keep losig my head over men! I am not offended by these miscalculations and I do not have to put much weight in them because I know that I am partly to blame why they see me like that anyway.

This is a very curious thing, the huge differences between how they see me and who I really am. And this matters to me because I want to be accepted by my friends for who I really am and that's why I make an effort to show them more about what really goes on inside me. I suppose what makes a lasting impact on them are those moments when I was being extreme about something. Those sharp points they saw, they took as my totality when on the contrary, I am not always like that. Like that sex image hovering over me like a cloud. I think they're only having that because I'm the only one who dares to talk about such things. I am only being open. I'm not one of those who are all prim and proper in public but then go on like rabbits under the covers.

On a more serious note, I think I am reaching a point when I will have to impose a forced censorship on myself soon. It is because of my occupation, I think. If things go well, I will have to move up higher in the ranks and I am not that naive to think that this inaccurate "image" that is stamped on me will not affect my professionalism. I do not completely agree with why I must do this, but I really have to tone it down. This is another imperfection of society (that we're often irrational and that we gossip like fishermongers and that the older we get the worse we become) that I must accept. Unless I completely turn this false convention over but I think I'm much too occupied by other stuff like world peace to focus on this single flaw.

There is a bigger issue at work in society which I've touched here with all this talk we've had about our public image. It's why we have to work on one in the first place. There's something quite off in a system when this has to happen. An unnecessary evil perhaps? And with evil I mean an enemy of freedom, not in a moral sense okay? Oh I don't know. I'm much too unfocused now to put a finger on what exactly is wrong. Is it really the system, or is it human nature?

Truth. Freedom. My fight goes on.

Amfeeling ampota. Hahaha.

Boobs

WARNING: THIS ENTRY MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH ABOUT SEXUAL TOPICS THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE ANYWAY? SHOO YOURSELVES AWAY PLEASE. I ONLY MEAN THIS ENTRY TO BE ENTERTAINING.


***

So I was surfing around the net and then I "stumbled upon" some very nice pics of boobs and I looked at them for a while, and then I looked some more and I felt weird like crazy and I wondered why and then boom, this realization just dropped on my head:

Boobs, yeah. They make me afraid.

But not in a scary freaked out way like earlier this night when a flying ipis grazed my arm while I was smoking and I shuddered (yes really) and I almost shrieked. No it's not that kind of icky fear. This thing that I have with boobs.

Well you see, I'm trying to be gay now through and through but I still think some boobs are nice to look at. I don't like the overly big ones though. I don't think they're very nice to look at, the monstrous ones, although I think if you put your palm around them they will feel nice. Maybe. I think I like boobs which are of the right size. The medium ones I guess.

But I don't think it's just the size of them which matters. It's the shape which is more important, for me. You can have boobs of the right size but if they've gone saggy or if they are pointing all wrong then I'm not sure that would be very appealing. They have to be firm and round. They have to look smooth and curvy. When I see pictures of women with an enticing cleavage I don't really wish to see them take their clothes off. I prefer to just look at it and appreciate their beauty and then move on. That is, assuming that I did notice their cleavage. They somehow lose their value when I see their totality. It's like what Leane Sedai said about seduction in the Wheel of Time. That in proper seduction, you must use subtlety and skill. Nudity uses neither.

I know that boobs are not meant simply to be looked at. They beg to be touched. Gently at first. Running your fingers on the exposed parts. Then lower until you're scooping them. Then later, you can get crazy on them if you want. I don't know what it is about boobs. But even if I'm not feeling particularly horny at the time, touching them triggers responses long buried deep within my body and beyond the reach of my conscious control. It's a curious experiment I'd like to recommend to my gay friends. Try it and see. For the sake of science.

It's like when I was in Grade 3 and I was reading this advanced zoology book my uncle unearthed from his chest of whatnots and I was trying to read it cover-to-cover (like I did the Bible) and I was already on the part about the mammary glands and breasts and the book was describing that it is usually smooth to touch and then I distinctly remember I got hard just from reading that. And mind you, it was not a children's book okay? It was a college-level book and it was all scientific and technical and all and I got hard from reading it! Crazy, right? I haven't had my wet dreams at that age so that's all the experience I gleaned from that if you're wondering whether I acted on it. It was very curious. I read about the male reproductive system too and I got no pleasure out of that, much less a hard on.

Speaking of males, well, of course I've also had my share of tomfooleries with chests. I like men with okay chests and that's understandable since I barely have a chest to speak of. It's a good thing I turned out to be a guy. I think that if I were a girl, my flat chest will probably be a bigger source of despair than it is right now. Or not. Since the way I am now, I'd probably have two kids already by this time. And two fathers.

I find it strange that I can write more about breasts than chests. With chests, there's nothing much to do really. You touch it. It doesn't need to be smooth. Hard or soft, they're okay. As long as there's something there, really, you'll be fine. I don't think I'm as much as an expert about them like one of my ex's who raised my shirt the second time we met and discussed details about my chest and how this deep part here would look impressive if I bulked up. I'm afraid I'm not like that when it comes to chests.

But legs, yeah, they are a different matter. And I think I can write on and on about legs and calves but that's not what this entry is about and I'm going to stop talking about them now. Maybe some other time.

Now I don't know how to end this entry properly. Maybe the moral lesson here is to let everyone know that just because someone is gay they are not attracted to breasts anymore. There are varying degrees of responses to it. I do know some gays who freak out about seeing breasts and would die at the idea of touching them. But maybe they're just too scared to try and they can't really say how they'd react unless they do it first. On second thought, I don't recommend mutual breast-touching to become another form of bonding between gays and their gals. I can't do that, if someone were to dare me. I can't because there's still  this part of me which will not take it without malice.

And no, I'm not going to wrap this up by being sentimental about this difficult path of bisexuality in front of me. We're having too much fun about boobs to kill the moment. The moral of the story? Boobs are good. Straight or gay, boobs are good.

My, but anatomy sure makes them look so undesirable in this image.

Feel In the Blanks

Sometimes I wish I were just a pair of hands connected to my brain, connected to my heart, because the real me, well, it isn't up to scratch. My hands sometimes, sometimes they can make a painting out of words but the real me can only do so much. The real me can only try to replicate what my words have promised. And maybe, maybe it would have been better for you if I weren't real at all. It would have been better for me too, perhaps.

Sometimes I wish I don't see you at all because when we do meet and you're there in front of me, you muddle my brain and often I end up being the half-wit when that's the last thing I want to be when I'm with you. That's the last thing. I pride myself for being sharp and astute, for catching the slightest flaws in the most technical of arguments but when you're around me, my mind just flies and sometimes, it takes all that I have just to catch your words. And I hate it. I hate it so, but that's what happens to me when you're around.

Many times I wish I can just say straight out the many things I want to tell you - say it to your face I mean - but I can never truly focus in your presence so I just store them in my brain for me to translate them into printed words after. If I speak I'd probably just stammer, like when we talk on the phone. I'd just laugh nervously or foolishly and whatever it is I really wanted to say would escape me because I just cannot find the right words to say. To write, yes, but to speak them? My voice will fail me. My courage will fail me. Utterly.

And because I get this feeling that you do not want me to be too expressive (because it makes me sound like I'm rushing you into things or that I'm too clingy or maybe you just don't know how to respond to them) I am left with texting you simple words like "Thank you" or "Good night" or "Are you okay" when the truth is there is a wealth of emotions hiding behind those words. There is a whole world of them. I say "Take care" when what I really mean is "Take care, you sweet thing you. Take care because I cannot be there and you won't let me so you will have to fend for yourself for a while. Take care until I become your knight so I can carry you home in my arms so you won't have to commute because you're tired and you've been doing so much and you deserve being taken care of." If I tell you those words, you won't reply, so I just say "Take care" and you will like that more. It's safer to say just those two words.

Sometimes when I overthink, you make me really scared because you might be setting me up only to let me fall hard in the end. And the universe knows how scared I am of such things but I realize I have grown smarter and that I do know now how to handle such things. I don't demand anything in return, but already you've given me much more than I could ask for.

I remember that morning on your bed when I woke up beside you and you were hugging me. That for the first time I did not regret waking up because no matter how awesome my dreams could have been, the reality which was you right there with me is much more awesome still. And we were cuddling and we were laughing and smiling and kissing and in those moments, I felt that all the bad things I've gone through in my life recently had all paid off.

And that's to cap off how you touched my hand when we were watching the movie or how you said "Ang whatever mo" when, like a gentleman, I got you the gravy for your mashed potato or when you kissed my shoulder for being a good boy during our shower dilemma or for seeing Snow still on your bed or for the numerous times that you chose to spend your day with me when you could have been with your friends or stayed at home to rest.... All these are stored in my head. All my incredulity at why you do these things for me. All that wonder comes crashing back to me everytime I look at you and I suppose that, now that you know, you will excuse me the next time I blank out with you in front of me.