Wasting Sperm Cells

I finally found the answer to the question: Why am I not getting any heavier no matter how much I eat? After years of sleepless nights and frustrations, I suddenly came upon the answer while I was fooling around in bed. I am wasting all my nutrients on my sperm cells.


This, added to the fact that my hair grows fast, deprives me of essential proteins needed for muscle building and fats for energy storage. Hair, as you well know, is made of keratin, a protein. And sperm cells together with all the components of semen are made of biomolecules, most of which are energy sources.


Just think. How much do I ejaculate everyday? How many sperm cells, painstakingly reproduced by cells in my testicles, die in the sheets, on tissue paper, on my skin, on other's, inside that small area in tip of a condom? How much find themselves prey to bacteria or who knows what organisms when they are released into the outside world? Am I simply wasting the food that I eat on producing sperm cells which eventually are fed upon by other organisms? Am I being controlled by such low lifes?


Imagine how many sperm cells are sacrificed just for me to have an orgasm. How much of what I eat goes to some other person's mouth (hehe.. feeding?). Ehem ehem...


Dont think this is a green entry, I am simply stating facts in a scientific biochemical approach. This is partly based on real experiences and not on pure assumptions and guesswork. (Whatever). It is really unfair. Women just need to give one egg cell and some fluids! Lets forget the blood cells...


Poor sperm cells. Complete with lots of mitochondria, cell membranes, nuclei (do they need these?) yet destined to die on some place unholy. I pray for the millions of sperm cells I as good as killed with my hand. I am sorry. But some things just cannot be stopped. Hence, I will continue to be as thin as I am now. If I get any thinner, you should be scared! 

Three Asterisks

I am once again in the mood to blog, yet I do not have anything in mind to tell you.

I am in a stable state right now. As Ive said I am buffered against feeling negative emotions at the moment. There is no angst for me to vent. I do miss telling you lots about what has happened. What has happened?

It was nice. It has been nice. Im feeling well. It seems weird though, like being in a relationship unconsciously stops you from dwelling on negative things. Its not like I have forgotten about my past miseries. It seems like they dont matter much anymore. I know they do and they should, and thats the weird thing about being in a relationship. You have something within you changed unconsciously. That makes sense to you?

Anyway what else to talk about? Oh yeah Im planning on doing another album for this sem. I already have a tentative title, but I dont want to reveal it now. It might easily change and I have two more months before its release. Did you know that I thought of naming last sem's album, "Back for More" as "Ever After", and "Wheat Field"? Ever After was actually my working title.

As usual, I am very excited about making this one. I am predicting changes, probably drastic, about the lineup since Im planning it too early. But I already have a concept about the cover. It will have to be a representation of me since the album is about me.

The coverage will be from november until march, so it will include both good and bad things. Some songs do not reflect how I feel at present, but they did at a certain period of my life so I will still include them. I hope those who had a copy of my previous album will enjoy this one as well. It wont be as sad as that one, I assure you.

Anyway, I am not that good a writer about good things as I am when writing about sadness. I do would like to share some things but they are not quite within the realm of decency, hence I should not put them here. Dont ever get the notion that nothing is happening in my life at present because I am not blogging about it. You should think that something too crazy is happening that I cant talk about it here (or perhaps I am doing something dangerous enough that it cannot be exposed to the public.)

Hey. I just realized that I can put anything in here. Even disturbing or disgusting things. Well, thats the power of blogging. Why dont people all blog? I guess some are just more inclined to write about their experiences rather than talk about them. Look at me, I am not a talker. Well, not in a person-to-person way. I talk a lot in my classes.

If I say that my girlfriend is <toot!> and that I am a <toot!> would you be surprised? If I tell you straight that I <tooted!> my <toot!> would you <toot!> me because of that? I am handling enough surprises for two people. I would have loved to know yours though. I would have liked to be in your shoes for a while and know how it feels to be you. Its a give and take relationship dammit. I tell you mine you tell me yours. I am sure your life is interesting. Why dont you talk to me?

I am crazy. I am just typing thoughts as they come to my head. I cant wait to plan for my new album. I cant wait. Its coming soon and it will blow your head off!

***I guess perhaps the reason why I am not writing too much at present is that I will not be the only one involved in my stories. I would have to consider which ones she will allow. Its not like shes forcing me not to talk about us. In fact, shes asking me to stop smoking and yet I cannot (addicted?) and I do not want to. Come to think of it - she is already a part of my life. I am usually egocentric and yet that realization sounds nice. I am not feeling choked, I am free. I am free - no relationship can cage me. And yet the limitations I have on myself are imposed by me and not by her. I think that should be the way relationships work. I mean, you can cheat anytime. You can do what you want. But you should bear in mind that what youre doing is hurting the other person. If you can bear hurting her then maybe you should rethink.

Toy's Victory

Finally after a long ride, Im settling down to my Chiyo. No more angst. No more bitterness. It is weird sometimes I almost feel that I am married - a weird thing. Very weird especially since i thought that I will never ever get married.

I am buffered against feeling bad things at the moment. I dont even care about my lost fone anymore. I dont even care about losing that fucked up ***. I am just content about the way things are for me.

Imagine that! After all that has happened to me. All the pain Ive put in here. All the shit... I didnt think I would ever come to this point! Now my life has changed. My point of view. My priorities. Almost everything. I havent felt like this before. Its different. I used to be a single human being. Single in the sense that I think about myself first, I live for me. But now it seems like I am living for another one as well. Like I am part of something bigger.

I am just so.. fulfilled and contented. I do not deserve this. But here I am.. Goodbye lonely days. Goodbye sonuvabitch. 2006 is a year of deaths and one of those who left is you. Rest in fucking peace forever!

Wow. It is just so amazing. But I know.. relationships arent always smooth sailing. The storms will come, I know. And yet. Just having this feeling inside me now.. it seems like I can handle all of those. Like they dont really matter.

After a very long war against myself, Ive finally won. Victory at last. I wish I could stay trapped in this state forever.

Catcher

Im falling from this cliff again
Not knowing where ill land
Im making things happen again
A reason to be glad

And yet i try to look up on
The place where i began
The cliff which gave way under me
From which away i ran

Im falling from this cliff again
Not knowing where ill land
Im relishing the howling wind
Until my journey ends

And yet i hope and wonder
Will there be another time
Where i can sit and ponder
Having someone really mine

Im falling from this cliff again
The ground is coming near
Theres someone there to catch my fall
I have nothing to fear

It comes and goes, my catcher dear
It comes and goes again
We can say that were both here
But in essence were not there

Goodbye Sir Willie

My thesis co-adviser Dr. Willie Barraquio from IB just died last monday because of a heart attack. If you dont know him, watch local tv and wait for the Joy Antibac commercial.

Well, I was sad. And knowing myself, I was surprised that I was sad. I even cried in the wake.

Sir Willie is really a man of science. I wont forget what he told me and Rhay while we were doing our thesis. He said that to be a really good scientist, you have to sacrifice your social life for a while. Because you need to devote your time in the lab. I laughed about that at first, but then, he was right. I cannot be a good scientist in my current attitude.

I will not forget how I become fearful everytime I pass by his lab. Its not that he is bad. He is just intimidating. He is really kind and when he gets angry it is for a good reason. Science requires tough discipline. It was because of him that I was able to graduate on time.

Science will mourn his loss - he has contributed a lot of papers to international journals. In a way, he has inspired me.

Now whenever I pass by Bio Pav, I wont feel fear anymore. I will not fear accidentally bumping into him, fearing a scold.

But when I look at Petri dishes, at autoclaves, at gatorade bottles, at shakers, at growth solutions, at saline solutions, at UV light, at zinc dust, at centrifuge tubes, at Venoject tubes, at phenol, at my thesis, at bacteria (as if I can see them), I will remember Sir Willie and the price of being too tardy when you cannot afford to be.

Sir Willie, goodbye. Im sorry if I wasnt able to do my best with you. I want you to know that you are one of the few people who have changed me. Thank you for the gift of research you gave us.

2006 is a year of loss. A year of dying. I do not know who will go next, maybe I will. Maybe some of you will. And I do not want to leave loose ends before I go, so please, can you forgive me? Can we start afresh this year?

Spirits

I dont like being drunk anymore!

The night of the Lantern Parade, after watching Miss Engg, Kenneth (LE's friend) invited me and LE to a drink at Drews. I did not say no. It was quite some time already since I last got drunk (less than a week).

There we drank and we drank and got tipsy and tipsier and crazy and crazier and craziest! I found myself puking at a bucket outside the restroom. LE was laughing at me as if she wasnt drunk too. Then on Reggie's car on our way home, I puked again. It was really embarrassing! I excused myself for the smell. They had to open the windows...

When I got back at the boarding house, I was still drunk. I even forgot to brush my teeth and all that. At least I managed to change my clothes (I got some vomit on my pants yuck). I kept tossing and turning on my bed. I was mumbling, they said. And I threw things. Well, I was really drunk!

I was scared when I woke up. I thought Id land on some other room. I remembered that I had this urge to get some that night. I think I even half-stood up on my way out of the room. I was lucky my dizziness saved me. I dont like to think of what might have happened. Scary.

Here's another story.

Yesterday, Lori and I went to SM North to buy some gifts. It was actually not my plkan to buy some gifts for my family. My plan was not to spend much this Christmas because I want to save for a new fone. But then it is Christmas. And I realized that if I cannot make myself happy on my own, maybe Id just make other people happier.

Perhaps it will be nice to see my parents open the gifts I made them. Its the first Christmas of me earning dough. I want them to be happy. Shit I am such a SISSY! Why am I still a good person even if I dont believe in God? I forgot to buy a gift for my pet cat though.

Dont want to talk about this anymore! Bye!

Fine Fine

After two days, I am still not over losing my fone. All I can say is -- shit. But I have to accept it.

This morning I accompanied LE at LTO to get her student driver's license. And along the way, I was talking about that same topic about you-know-who. I am really quite miserable since I lost my fone (I cant help help thinking about what a big loss it was) so I thought I better talk about some things which should make me happier. And so I landed on that topic.

In a way, it was pathetic. I mean, I have said that it was all over and all those... but BUT BUT I cant get it ALL off of my mind. I have nothing else to think about these days. Schools almost on vacation. No text messages for me. No more gimmicks for me. No booze or parties since I lost my fone. Nothing to think about! So there, I cant help thinking and talking about that.

It is sad, really. Sad. So much that I can cry. I am sad not because I was left behind. Im sad because Im still thinking about you-know-who. LE keeps on telling me that I am pathetic. I dont get angry. I get sad because it IS true...

Im not really hoping anymore. Its gone. Everything has been made clear. Im just nourishing that idea of 'what if'. I KNOW it isnt helping at all... but I cant help it. And as Ive said its the only thing that makes me happy now. But Im thinking of an impossible thing, so it will only hurt me more eventually. In the end, I will just get hurt more. Hurt more.

Sometimes I wonder why I am always so sad. Sad since October 4. "It wouldnt hurt so bad if it didnt feel so good." Is something wrong with me? I have a feeling I am overanalyzing things. Why do some people - some with heavier problems than I have - dont blog like I do? Are you all safe and snug inside your own persons? Dont you have issues you want to talk about? Dont you have these kind of pains and sufferings? How do you handle them? Am I the only one like this? Am I not right in the head?

Anyway, back to what happened this morning. When we were on our way back to UP, LE told me something about letting people go if you really love them. I was quiet for some time after she said that. Dont I love you-know-who that much? Cant I let go?

I had a sudden image of myself holding you-know-who and letting go. Letting go for good. I imagined you-know-who looking back at me, looking happier, and walking away out of my sight forever. Forever indeed. I can do that, but it will hurt me loads.

Perhaps I really need to let go. But do I have to let go now? Now when I have lost most of the things which make me happy these days? (There are some other things I lost which I did not mention here in my blog.) At this low point in my life?

It gets hard, sometimes... I do wish that Joy was still at the boarding house. I need someone to talk to. I need a shoulder to cry on. I really need to accept to myself that you-know-who is really gone. And that things are better as they are at present.

Really? This is better? I could have been SO happy with you-know-who. So happy. I have so much love to give! So much! And its all going to waste! Guys, you dont know how deep I can love. When I really love someone I can go to all lengths just to show it. All this nice feeling inside me going to the drain. Going to the drain when its draining me empty too.

This miserable state I am in now is better? Shit! This is shit! But I have to accept these things. I have to accept that I lost my fone - my favorite thing in the world - to someone evil. I lost it without a fight. Without it lasting for a month. All the memories I have attached to it. All gone! Gone!

I have to accept that you-know-who can never be with me. I have to give up. Give it all up. Give my dreaming up. It is over. No more contacts. Not even friendship. Nothing! Nothing left of us. Not even memories. All is to be forgotten.

I cant take this. This is too hard for me.

(After a few minutes..)

I lost the momentum. I was talking about..? Oh that. Okay then I will try to accept my losses. Geez I was talking about this serious shit again. Fine fine. I will try to be fine. Check out this song...

you are an obsession i cannot sleep
i am a posession that you feed
theres no balance no equality
but still i will not except defeat

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way, and i will have you
like a butterfly, a wild butterfly

i will collect you and capture you
you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

i feed you i drink you my day and my night
i need you i need you by sun or candlelight
you protest, you wanna leavelike a butterfly oh a butterfly
i will collect you and capture you
stay oh theres no alternative

love is a bit of skin
i see the beauty there
but i see danger, stranger beware
a circumstance in your naked dreams
you reflection is not what it seems

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me (x2)

my fantasy has turned to madness
and all my goodness has turned to badness
my need to possess you has consumed my soul
my life is trembling i have no control

i will have you yes i will have you
i will find a way and i will have you
like a butterfly a wild butterfly
i will collect you and capture you

you are an obsession, you're my obsession
who do you want me to be
to make you sleep with me