When I Die

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't want my loved ones to look down on my dead body. I don't like the idea that they'll remember me lying there, lifeless. I want them to see me in their minds while I was alive. I want to be remembered that way. I don't want to be seen wearing formal clothing barefoot. Not my style. Also, whatever healthy organs I still have when I die, I will gladly donate. Or perhaps they can be sold. I don't care.

On my wake, I don't want people to think too much about whether I'll be in heaven or not. That topic is taboo. I don't need them to pray for me, though I can hardly stop them I suppose. I'm not sure worrying will do much good and it will only give them headaches. I won't be bothered about the traditional "40 days". Remembering me is enough. There is no need to pray for the peace of my soul. I am responsible for my actions while I was still alive.

I suppose I can't get around the priest's ceremony or the occasional group prayers. I don't know what my parents and friends will do. That ceremony will be for the older ones, my relatives. They need that. Anyway, no matter what my or my friends' beliefs are, that will serve as a time for reflection. On me, of course.

I want complete silence on my wake. Whispers are allowed. Sobs are allowed. Laughter is allowed only if it was caused by memories of me. If you want to play card games or want to talk about something else, I suggest you do it outside where I cannot hear, though I know I won't be able to scold those who are noisy. You may talk about how I died.

I trust my parents will choose a suitable picture, to be placed next to my ashes. Maybe they'd use my grad pic. Though I'd prefer it if all my album covers were there instead, except perhaps for the "Lovely" cover since that would scandalize my conservative relatives. I want a lot of pictures displayed, showing the different phases of my life. I require pictures taken when I was a toddler, when I was in elementary, in high school, in college, after college. I require pictures with my family, with my relatives, with my friends, with my students, with my pet cat Baby. I want a picture of me and my real Baby there, and I'd trust my Baby to defend his right if my parents will object. I want pictures of me caught in a happy moment, in an emotional moment. Pictures with meaningful special effects.

I want people to see my pictures and think on them. To catch glimpses of how I lived my life. I want them to think on how reserved I was in the beginning and how I slowly opened up to the world. I want them to learn from my mistakes, and follow the things I did right.

I want a video presentation to be shown just before my funeral. The soundtrack will be songs from my albums. The video presentation should include excerpts from my blogs, pictures of objects which are dear to me, including letters, gifts from my students, personal possessions. If possible, I want my written works printed (including those not published in the internet) and published as a book to be given to those who want copies. Copies of my albums, most probably my greatest hits, should also be made available to those who want copies.

I don't want to think about funds. I don't have enough money to pay for every expense. I guess I'd escape that responsibility. I sure am sorry for dying on you penniless. But I know I am worth every dime you contribute to my funeral expenses. I'd try to repay you in some way. I am a grateful person. Maybe you can sell my written works or my albums.

I want all my past students to be there. It is my last requirement. I want them to reminisce on our class. I want them to talk to my other students and remember as many memories as they can. I want them to talk to me, no matter how silly that may seem. It will mean very much to me. I want them to cry, if possible. Because wherever I may be at that time, I'm surely crying for them, too.

I want my pet cat to be there, too. I want my friends to talk to him and explain that I am gone and will never be able to hug him or pet him again. I want him to understand, too. That cat loves me.

I want my friends to comfort my parents. I think my parents will really be devastated with me gone. I need my friends to be strong for me. I am a coward, you know. With me dying early, I am able to escape a lot of responsibilities, including the deaths of my loved ones. I don't want to die this early. But somehow, it's rather okay because I tried to live the fullest life I can. I was ready. I've always been aware than I'd die sooner or later. If I wasn't, this entry will not exist.

I'd miss being alive. Just thinking of me dying makes me cry. What a silly idea, writing this entry. But I should be prepared. With this entry, I ensured that I will be remembered the way I want to be remembered. That my last wishes will be followed.

My baby will be the one to explain these wishes to my parents. If my baby cannot, it will be Rhay. If Rhay cannot, it will be Esme.

I don't want the priest to dictate how my funeral will be carried out. My wishes should be given utmost importance. I want speeches to be made during my final ceremony. Someone should arrange what the order should be. My only requirement is, aside from their speeches being meaningful, they should be honest. I don't want them to gloss over the things I've done wrong, or try to inflate the small things I've done. After their speeches, the audience should get to see me in another light, and will therefore get to know me more.

I want this part read aloud on that same ceremony:

To my students, I've reminded you that anytime we can die. Remember the fun we've had inside and outside the classroom. I've learned a lot from you. Remember me, and spread the word. Live your life to the fullest while you can. This is my last lesson.

To my friends, God I'd miss all of you so much. I am lucky to have been surrounded by such good friends as you. This is rather hard on me, you know, dying, and I want you to be strong, okay? You can cry. Come on, cry. (Pause until sobs are heard) This is my last attempt to make you laugh.

To my family, please accept it that I am gone. Mommy, remember what you told me? Things like this should be accepted and not questioned. Kung may lungkot, may ligaya.

To my baby, hey...