Vulnerable

"Hug"

"Ewan ko"

I put my fone down and frowned.

I remembered how I was always the one to start our conversations - that you wouldn't text me until I texted you first. I remembered how I was always the one to keep it going - that without me putting in topics, the conversation will inevitably fall apart because of your monosyllabic replies.

I remembered that, even if I have a new fone now, you never seemed to greet me one single "good morning" or "hello" or "hi i miss you" without me texting you first.

I remembered our role-playing games or when we're talking about other make-believe stuff, and how, most of the time, you'll give up because you'll say that you can't think of anything else to say. And how you saying that will often cause something inside me to flare up because it has always been that way ever since and I was frustrated why, for once, you can't try and think a little bit harder of what next to say.

I remembered how you used to make me wait. That you didn't seem to care how much time I've spent doing nothing but wait, and that when you did come, you'd be off with me in a hurry, and I wouldn't blame you because for me, it was immediately okay just seeing you finally there, but still in the back of my mind, there's the thought that you did take your time knowing that I was waiting...

And I remembered how I had to really talk to you, how I wanted to make you understand before you can say "I love you" to me personally for the first time...

And I also remembered how I had to really convince you to spend some time with me in that place, and how you used to say no without explaining why. That you will say no despite how I'm pleading with you, and still you won't tell me reasons except that you don't want to. Just that. And how you'll always think about it as just sex, and you never seem to get the concept that it's making love and that it's not a bad thing.

I remembered the many times I've shouted our love to the world - with my yucky friendster picture saying "I love my baby", with my endless blogs and music albums, and I wondered why I never had a single "love blog" from you although you've written me some really painful "hate blogs". I wondered how come you can't do those things to me.

And I remembered how you've never read "The Count's Tale" and I knew that it was a small thing actually but that it would have pleased me much if you took the time to at least read the story I wrote especially now when you're spending more time on the internet at home. I thought that maybe you would remember because I was really proud of that, but then you didn't because it was too lengthy and it will be a hassle to look it up since I've written it a long time ago.

And I remembered how you walked away from me this afternoon. How surprised I was running after you when all I said was let's hurry up because I have a class. How I still followed you and you never looked back at me and how you never apologized for that.

So many things I can remember when we're like this. So many bad feelings coming out that it's easy to forget the most essential thing.

I forgot that you love me.

Day of Days

I don't give a fucking crap if I'm typing this blog while I'm raving drunk. I just have to record this whole special day right now ya know what I mean?

Ya see I'm not really raving drunk if I can still start my sentences with the proper caps ya know what I mean? Because ya see here in Friendster, when you type your entries you have to press the shift caps lock key for you to start your sentences grammatically correct. Hell, I must be raving drunk if I still talk about this nonsense shit.

Hell whatever.

I'm listening to "Cool" right now. And you're a fucking idiot if you don't the hell know who sang this fucking good song. It's from my favorite singer Gwen Stefani. And hell to ya if ya don't know who she is. You must be living under this so-called rock like what they say in stories ya know.

It's because a while ago I was just drinking with my wondeful ex-girlfriend Rhay and I'm telling ya, she's the best friend you've ever had ya know what I mean? It's like I've totally treated her like crazy (with all the fuckingly senseless thing I've felt for that guy Don Perlez may he go to hell) when she was with me and she's still here ya know what I mean? She still agreed to talk with me tonight though I bet most ex-girlfriends wouldn't give a fucking crap to their ex-boyfriends who treated like them hell.

Today is just one of my best days ever I didn't even go to my MS class this afternoon just because I was enjoying myself so fucking much ya kow what I mean? I've told my baby this was one of the best days I've ever had and what a fuckingly good way to end it with a blog entry eh? I just have to record something about this day ya know?

A while ago I was walking drunk on the streets alone, and I almost lost my way back after taking Rhay home and that has never ever happened to me before ya know what I mean? My legs kept crossing themselves like I was some kind of a ramp model or something while I was walking on the dangerously shirtless guys-infested dog-pooed streets of KNL on my way here to this computer shop or whatever you call this some kind of crap. And hell to ya if you think I'm raving drunk if  that's what you're thinking since my fingers keep missing the right keys on this blasted keyboard I have to edit my words every so often. I'm still sober enough to do that at least.

And ya know, a while ago, while I was talking to Rhay, I remembered all the craziness we've done. How everything was so perfect then and I have to ruin because of my so-called incompleteness. Exploring the male world. The homosexual world, and it could have been perfect ya know - Me and her forever but it wasn't meant to be ya know what I mean? I'm this fucking guy who has this identity issues I had to take care of first.

Anyway, this morning I met with my baby and we watched Order of the Phoenix together as I promised him. We watched it in Robinson's Pioneer, the nearest mall to his place and I've never been to that mall but I didn't feel strange because I was with my baby anyway. And we had lunch in KFC. An early lunch then we watched the movie and we were so early we were the first to enter, and we made believe that it was a private movie house before all the other crappy people came in inside as well.

After the movie, we went straight to this so-called hotel and I'm too drunk to even be modest about stuff like that because ya know we're people too even if we're homo's ya know what I mean? We deserve some quality time too ya know? Love is all ya know?

And when we're there and when we really did it ya know? It's because we're having some difficulty because of our BIG problems ya know what I mean? We're so BIG we have difficulty doing it and I'm not just making that up? I'm just being honest and all, and when we finally were able to do it, it was a really nice feeling for me because finally I was able to do it right after all this years ya know what I mean?

And then I decided not to go to class because I will be late anyway, we went to Megamall instead and we had this grand time together just walking around the mall having dinner and all ya know? I was with my baby and it didn't matter a fucking crap whether I flunked my MS class because I was with someone I love and I KNOW that that's what really matters in real life anyway. Love and all.

Then we said goodbye, and I went home feeling a bit cranky ya know what I mean after doing the crazy stuff we've done. I felt my insides were a bit dislodged ya know. And then I was alone in that fucking crap of dormitories Kamagong where I have absolutely noone to talk to since my roommates were both on the creepily quiet side, my laway is napapanis there. So I had this crazy idea that maybe I can go invite Rhay to an inuman since she lives the nearest to that fucking dorm Kamagong, and finally she agreed. I was really grateful and I didn't forget to thank her for the company ya know. I'm a real nice kid really.

And I was really grateful also for the chance that we can finally talk again like we used to. It's like after we had our own boyfriends, we sort of drifted apart and I still miss her ya know. You can't just forget someone as close as she was to me. So we talked, and we talked about sex lives and all, and deep inside I was real glad because we're indeed COOL ya know what I mean?

And I took her home, as I've said, and we had to go a different way because the gate was closed and it was real fun, talking to her again, though not as much as we used to. It was still an experience, whatever ya call it.

And I remember talking to my baby earlier that, perhaps, when we get married (It's so fucking dangerous to think about these things since you never know what will happen in the fucking future), when we live in the same house, how grand it will be to spend my time forever with the GUY I love now. How one day feels so nice and all and I can't imagine spending all my time FOREVER with this special someone I have right now.

Hell. I'm  not that drunk anymore just a little queasy and I'm just glad I was ble to record this memorable day where I experienced how it is to LIVE ya know. I live. I love. I experience these things and I'm just so fucking glad I'm alive that's all. Still alive.

Aldasiel's Army

One of the things I thought I have lost this past couple of years was my obsession for Harry Potter. With all the crazy (and sometimes, adult) things I've done recently, I thought I have already outgrown my teenage fantasy about meeting and being the boy who lived. I thought that since I'm already 22, I'd be out of place if I still continue preaching and blabbing about Harry anywhere I go. I believed I was over that "magical" phase... For a while, I was right but

The movie proved me wrong.

In fact, a few minutes after watching the movie, I was brought back on the Hogwarts high I used to feel everyday. For a while after leaving the movie house, I imagined Lord Voldemort lurking somewhere in the mall, and when he appears, his wand pointing at me, I, in the lead, will duel with him assisted by the rest of my students who watched the movie with me. Flashes and bangs. Lightning and fire. It wasn't a crazy thought at all. It felt natural.

At times, in the movie, I can see myself in Harry. It was a strange feeling, watching him teach the DA members about defensive spells. I felt it was a representation of what I am doing with my students (Aldasiel's Army), only instead of teaching spells, I try to teach them about life and love and occasionally, sex. My lessons might not be as exciting and colorful as the spellwork in the movie, but it's what we've got and at least it's real and it has the same purpose - to help my students survive the real world.

Aside from the magic, I like the movie more because of its focus on friendship. Shaming as it is to admit, I almost cried on some parts of the movie because it touched topics close to my heart. Togetherness. Being there. Helping each other. Doing what's right. Rebellion. Friendship.

Friendship friendship...

What has happened to the shy and stoic boy I used to be? Now I'm preaching about things older people should be saying instead. Have I grown up too fast?

What, indeed, has happened to the old me?

Magic?

Whatever.

I'm too old for that stuff.

People just change.

Once (You Go Gay)

Once, I was a normal guy (or I could have passed as one).

Once, I was a normal guy. You can see me walking around the mall or the streets of KNL, holding a girl's hand. Looking happy. Feeling happy.

Once, I was a normal guy. Having what a very lucky guy should - a girlfriend who loved me with all her heart. All my life, I never thought I'd ever get a girlfriend. But there she was, despite the barriers (and barriers they really were), we've made it through. And there she was, holding my hand. With me.

We used to share this house. We used to do almost everything together. Twenty four hours a day. Seven days a week. We were together. What more can an imperfect guy like me ask for?

Completeness.

Freedom to get to know myself.

And she gave me just that. No matter how it might have hurt her.

A few months later, I had my first boyfriend. She got her new guy a few months after.

Now people ask me, what's the difference between having a relationship with a guy and with a girl?

Between kissing a guy and kissing a girl?

Do you miss her? How does it feel looking back at what you've given up?

***

Once, I was given the chance to live a normal life. I was given what I was asking for all my teenage life - to belong and live a normal life. To find a girl. To marry. To have children. To love. All my internal struggles (I thought) answered.

Once, I was given that chance.

And now, I have a boyfriend.

I exchanged a normal love for a love which has to be hidden.

I exchanged "holding hands while walking" to holding hands under the covers, the curtains closed.

I exchanged a church-approved, family-approved, society-approved, friends-approved relationship with something my boyfriend's family isn't even aware of.

I exchanged a normal life with something... less normal.

But I was right in my decision, because I did get what I was asking for.

Because a normal life isn't necessarily a heterosexual's life - it's a life without pretensions. I am free to be me. I am free of the necessary self-control I imposed upon myself while I was with her.

Because I can still marry (somewhere else), and I can still have children.

Because with my inner completeness, I can finally love with all of my heart. I've been there, done that. I know where I stand, and I stand with my boyfriend. My husband. My wife (ok lang daw sa kanya). My everything. Some people may look askance at us but I'll still stand with him. I'll stand with my decision.

And why shoudn't I? I've never been this happy before.

It's true what they say:

"Once you go gay...

You'll want to stay."

AbanDon

Words will fail me. Words will not be able to help me. Because this time, they're my traitors. Instead of helping, they destroy. Instead of breaking, they mend.

For once, I will abandon my blog. I will leave whatever needs to be said left unexpressed in the air between me and the monitor. There they will stay, and with the coming wind, they will be blown away. I will blow them away if I need to. They need to go.

I'm packing its things now. I'm rushing it away from the recesses of my mind. There's no better time. This should have been done a long time ago but I was held by my weakness. I simply let it lie there while I turned my back on it and pretended it was gone.

Now, I have to force myself to show it to the door. It's hard, and I'm crying, but that's the only way to be. I'm crying, and it's so damn hard, but it's the right thing to do. Someone's waiting for me out there. It's only fair. For him.

I've been waiting for that trigger.

This will pass.

Happiness awaits me.

I know everything will be better after. A clean cut.

Goodbye.

***

Sarah McLachlan
STUPID

Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
And you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create
An oasis that dries up as soon as youre gone
You leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see

Everything changes everything falls apart
I cant stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know

***

And now I'm ready to be...

Extraordinary...

Not Today

You appeared out of nowhere. You saw me, and I saw you. But I won't let you ruin my day. Not today.

I love my baby. And he loves me. You don't love me. You pushed me away. And I won't let you anger me by making me remember. Not today.

We still could have been friends. If I never told you that I liked you. If you never panicked and messed us up. But I won't let you worry me with regrets. Nope, my boy. Not today.

You've let go of what I revere - our friendship. You didn't care about me or our memories. But I won't let you bring me down with shame and sadness. Not today.

You still look well. I remember showing your pic to my mom. And she disagreed about "us" because you were better looking than me. You're good-looking, true, but I don't envy you because something inside you is rotten. I won't let you strip my confidence. Not today.

I won't let you get into me. Not today.

I won't think and dwell about you. Nope. Not today.

Because today, I'm loving myself more.

Today, I want to think of happy things. I won't focus on the things which are wrong - which, in summary, is YOU.

Today is my day.

Today, I saw you and you saw me. But I won't let you ruin my day. Today is our 8th monthsary.

I saw you, and you saw me. But I won't let you ruin my day. Not today.

Today is my day.

Some other time, it could have been yours, but today is today. Your time has passed.

Today is our day.

I Can Die Right Now

STOP!

I just want to take a break from all the drama and simply take the time to appreciate the good things that are happening in my life right now.

Thank you everyone. I guess you've all been part of who I am right now. I was right when I decided to get to know myself for real. To explore the other side... Now, I feel complete. I feel whole. I've accepted who I am, and with that comes a certain sense of well-being I've never felt before. Thank you for accepting me for who I am though I know it might have been a bit hard to digest for some of you. I'm finally free and I'm very happy.

The biggest thanks to my baby. I'm probably the luckiest guy in the world to have ever crossed paths with you, considering that quality relationships with our kind are very hard to come by. I still can't believe what you've done to my life. You've rescued me from my own dark tendencies, and brought me more than I could ever ask for. We've been through rough times baby, you and I, and words cannot express how happy I am that we've made it through. I'll never get tired of kissing you or hugging you or telling you that I love you because I really do and I'm overflowing with the feeling. Thank you for coping with me and my topsy-turvy emotions. I didn't believe what your friends were saying at first, but I do now- you're really the best boyfriend one could ever have. I love you.

Thank you to my bff (best friend forever) LE. Friend, I'm so glad you're still here with me working at the Institute. Teaching and taking our masterals won't be as fun without you to talk with. Imagine, who will I talk to about rated stuff if you were not there? I may have a really great boyfriend, but I am luckier because I have an equally great best friend as well. Here's to more fun days to come, friend. I love you! Viva vino kulafu!

To the Chemsoc peeps! Thank you for appointing me as your junior faculty adviser. As I've said, I'm really honored. Chemsoc means a lot to my life, and still being able to make tambay and make yosi at the tambayan without feeling out of place is actually a big factor in the contentment I am feeling now. Thank you for accepting me. I love you all.

To my ex-students who are now my bestest of friends, thank you for keeping the fire of our bonding alive. Almost everyday, I am able to see some of you roaming around the campus and the very warm greetings you give to me never fails to complete my day. If I can hug each and every one of you without being sore, I will. I may not be as expressive but you know that deep in my heart, I never forget that once we've shared a whole fun-packed sem together. I love you very much and I can't wait to hang out with you again. Getting to know you is priceless. See ya in Aldasiel's Army.

To my new students, thank you for already accepting me as part of the family (especially the FoodTech peeps). I'm really grateful for letting me in and not considering me as an outsider. Right now, I'm anticipating that we'll have another unforgettable semester together. More memories, laughters, and smiles to cherish for the rest of our lives... I'll see you next meeting!

To Gwen Stefani and the rest of the artists who never fail to brighten up my day when I'm not feeling very okay. There is a song for every emotion, and thank you for being there for me when my friends aren't around. I am hoping that we'll have a really good session this sem so we can produce another great album for my students. Cheers to music!

And last, I give thanks to the higher power out there. Often, I feel that I am simply being pulled to the direction I am supposed to be in. Right now, I feel so happy and content with what I have now, and to show my gratitude, here I am, giving it back to those who make my life really meaningful.

Guys, you rock!