Wearing Your Underwear (The Fun Never Stops)

WARNING: May contain adult content.

The next thing I knew I was in your house. I hardly even know your name yet and I kept on trying to recall where I saw your first (on hindsight, it was on Friendster). Everything happened so fast. From the flirting back in the jeepney, our common friends egging us on to you sitting beside me, and all of a sudden my arms were around you and yours were on mine and then we're in your room. It would've been perfect if it wasn't still daylight!

So we were there among your clutter on the floor or on the bed (I can hardly remember) and we were groping each other although I wasn't too keen on it in the beginning. One thing I clearly remember though is that even if I wasn't responsive enough, you still kept on going. I was about to tell you that I'm always like that on the first "night" so you won't be offended until your younger sister peeped in at the window!

We quickly disentangled ourselves from each other and it was a good thing (your sister's timing) that she caught us early - there was no need for more embarrassing... visions. I was shocked and I arranged my clothes quickly and watched you attend to your sister who was beginning to be rather noisy and annoying. Surprisingly, your sister didn't seem surprised at her discovery. It seemed to be normal for her catching his brother in the act and in fact, I was dumbfounded to hear your sister talking to your younger brother who came right after about you giving me a blow.

"Well," she told him, "You know what he likes - lean and fair. He's gonna give him a blow."

What a house your parents were keeping!

After a while of settling them down, you came with me inside the bathroom for some privacy to continue what we were about to do and I was already rather excited about it but then (the fun never stops) your parents came in! So you rushed out to meet them and I can hardly think of an excuse you can make up to explain why a stranger is inside their bathroom. From the narrow door opening (you didn't even close it though I was already wearing little) I saw that your parents were displeased but I was happy that at least, they didn't rush in to throw me out of the house.

It was a long time you made me wait in the bathroom and I was beginning to get cold so I decided to take a shower and that was when I discovered that I was wearing your underwear (how that happened, I can't imagine). Before I could turn on the warm water you came in and approached me and then I felt a vibration near my head which made me open my eyes

to find myself on my dorm bed on my own, bright sunlight streaming in through the window. The vibration was from my fone and I saw that (fuck!) somebody was calling me and (fuck!) it was our Director and (fuck!) we were supposed to have a meeting at 10am and (FUCK!) it was already 10:10!

Bisexuality 101

I have been thinking lately about what the biological purpose of homsexuality and bisexuality is, and after doing some research, I have actually found that it is very prevalent among animals (and I'm not just referring to hermaphroditic species.) It seems that nature uses bisexuality in order to control the animal population. For example, hormone levels, depending on the season will encourage an animal to mate with either the same or the opposite sex. There are other cases wherein some animals simply choose to mate with those of the same sex even if the opposite sex is available.

[Sidenote: R. C.'s will really find it difficult to dodge this attack on their narrow beliefs]

Wikipedia mentions some bisexual history, including those of Japan and Greece. Spartans were actually encouraged to develop homosexual relationships while young, believing that "love" with each other will enhance their battling abilities. And in Japan, there's a practice called sho-something (I forgot) wherein a young man entertains an older man. There's even a jar relic from Greece depicting a man about to have sex with another man while another man watches (Wikipedia will satisfy your curiosity.)

Anyway, here's a sort of Q & A I got from the net. Maybe this will open your minds a li'l bit more. I find this really enlightening myself:

What’s Your "Bi-Q"?

Many of us who are straight, gay or lesbian have limited knowledge of what it really means to be bisexual. Unfortunately we have all received lots of inaccurate information or no information at all about bisexuality. Here are some commonly asked questions with answers by the Bisexual Resource Center (www.biresouce.org).

Q: So what exactly is a Bisexual? A: A Bisexual is someone who is sexually and emotionally attracted to men or women (and some would say to all genders).

Q: So they're equally interested in men and women?
A: Not necessarily. Some are, some aren't. Some say they're attracted to men and women in different ways, others say gender just isn't relevant to who they're interested in.

Q: Doesn't being interested in both genders mean they're only half as interested in either?
A: Most Bisexuals will probably say that when they're interested in someone, they're interested in them 100%.

Q: Aren't people really either heterosexual or homosexual?
A: No. It's well recognized in medical and psychological circles that bisexuality is a very real and genuine sexuality. But anyway, there are plenty of Bisexuals around who can tell you that.

Q: Isn't it just a phase?
A: No more than being heterosexual or homosexual is.

Q: But isn't it a transition to being lesbian or gay?
A: Maybe for some people. Some lesbians or gay men "come out" as Bisexual first, but most Bisexuals remain bisexual for the rest of their lives.

Q: But surely they're just confused, they haven't made up their minds yet?
A: Don't make the mistake of assuming there are only 2 options to choose from. Bisexuality is an option in its own right. A lack of information about Bisexuality is probably the cause of most confusion a bisexual might feel.

Q: Didn't Freud think we're all Bisexual?
A: Not quite - Freud thought we were all born Bisexual, and may develop a preference later in life. No one is really quite sure about this, but most people have had at least some feeling for both genders at some stage in their lives.

Q: Suppose I have - does that mean I'm bisexual too?
A: Strictly speaking, maybe. But what you call yourself is up to you. Some may feel the attraction they feel for one gender isn't enough to call themselves Bisexual. Some people have other reasons for not identifying as Bisexual, as well.

Q: Like what?
A: Some people may want to feel "normal" and think of themselves as heterosexual. Others for political or social reasons may wish to identify with the Lesbian & Gay communities.

Q: Doesn't the term "Lesbian & Gay" include "Bisexual" as well?
A: That's a hot issue for some people. Some people think so, but there are plenty (bisexual and otherwise) who disagree. Lesbians fought for the right to be explicitly named, because they felt invisible. That battle is still going on for Bisexuals.

Q: So why aren't the Bisexuals more visible?
A: Well, no-one walks around with "Bisexual" stamped on their foreheads. It's very easy to miss them. If you see 2 people of the same gender kissing, you don't think to ask if they might be bisexual. And they might be. Similarly, if you see a man and a woman kissing, either of them might be bisexual, too.

Also, there's a real lack of information about bisexuality in our libraries and the media. And there are very few organizations that specifically address Bisexual issues. Some bisexual people have felt as if no-one knows they even exist.

Q: Haven't they received a lot of publicity for spreading AIDS?
A: Bisexuals have been targeted as scapegoats by people who think of AIDS as being a "Gay disease." Bisexuals are thought to be a "bridge" group between the heterosexual and homosexual communities.

Let's get things straight (forgive the pun). One thing spreads AIDS: taking someone else's bodily fluids (like blood or semen) into your body. The AIDS virus neither knows nor cares what your sexuality is. Safe sex will go a long way towards helping stop the spread of AIDS, and everyone - bisexual, straight, or whatever - needs to pay attention to that.

***

I saw a shirt once saying "Smile if you're gay". Haha. But I wasn't brave enough to wear that. And I still am not. But I am satisfied with how I express myself at present.

The Rush

It was already around 9pm and the corridors were deserted. I went out of the laboratory to find you outside, waiting for me. You asked me to accompany you to the comfort room, so we went.

I went inside first. It was dark. But you felt for the switch on the wall and turned the lights on. There was nobody inside. If it was left to me, I'd keep the lights off.

You went inside the cubicle and I followed you. You laughed. When you were done, you turned and kissed me, and I kissed you back. Hotly.

We were so into it I felt like we were devouring each other.

I pushed you to the wall and pressed on you and held you tight, your body heat surging into mine. Anybody can come in and if I get discovered I might lose my job. But we did it still. It was exciting.

After, I looked at you and smiled and I laughed a bit, shaking my head inwardly. We went out of the comfort room, back to my laboratory.

My lab partner was inside, but she noticed nothing. Though I was secretly smiling and feeling my slightly sore lips with my tongue.

And I chuckled while I was transferring the 500 microliter cadmium and lead solution into the beaker. Nobody knew.

It was exciting.

Sa Motel 2: With Love

The guy was sitting beside me on the bus. He was nervously silent. He was quite untalkative since we left the mall where we met.

"Have you ever been to a motel before?" I asked.

"No."

I laughed. I was a bit surprised, but I didn't want to push the discussion on that topic. Some things were still raw.

"It's easy. You just go to the counter and they'll know what to do," I told him. "Then you'll pay. That fast. Why don't you do it? You go to the counter..."

"No way."

I laughed again. His childish decisiveness was quite amusing. I remembered the first time I did this. The person I was with assured me that he'll take care of everything. But in the end, I ended up taking the lead instead. I've changed so much since then. Now, there was no question that I'm in charge when it comes to these things.

"Are you nervous?" I asked, trying to calm him a bit.

"Yes. Very."

"It's okay. Don't worry. A lot of people are doing it. What are the chances that the staff will recognize you? What are the chances that you'll see other people you know?"

He nodded but I can say that he was still on edge. In fact, I was a bit nervous myself.

"They've been doing this for a long time," I added for his benefit. "It's their job. They'll even be expecting us. Why get nervous? We're not different..." On second thought, we are different, but it won't be the first time they've served people like us.

The bus stopped and we got off.

"What I don't like about this place is that it's so public! The main entrance is right here on the highway! It's like Hello Edsa, here we are!" I told him while climbing an overpass. "But we don't really have a choice so..."

I was discreetly observing the building while walking. Trying to learn where the secret entrances are. To my surprise, a couple just went out of the main doors, and a guy went inside immediately after. There was a lot of human traffic in there. The good point in that - we won't stand out, the bad thing - more people to see us, more chances of getting caught.

"I'll enter first, and you go right after," I told him as we neared the building.

I walked towards the glass doors and pushed them open, unfazed by the numerous heads turning towards me. I kept it cool. I told myself that I'm here to have fun. To have sex. And so are you, so why look at me that way? I even smiled while I was walking towards the counter. The guy I was with walked like a shadow and disappeared in the rear waiting area.

Horror of horrors I realized that there were a lot of people in the lobby. At this time?! Filipinos are crazy on sex. The staff on the counter was busy with other customers, so I stood there and waited in the middle of the lobby where everybody can see me. I didn't care. I acted like I've been doing this for a long time. I acted bored and nonplussed.

"For check-in, sir?" the staff finally asked in a lowered voice when it was my turn.

"Yes," I told her smiling, looking her straight in the eye.

"Unfortunately, our rooms are full at the moment. Will it be okay if I give you this number instead and wait for your number to be called?"

"Well... okay," I told her and took the number. As if we had a choice. We really needed a room. I walked to the waiting area and caught a glimpse of the other couples waiting in the imperfectly covered chairs. All normal couples. No one like us.

I took a different seat, in partial view of where the guy was sitting, and through hand signals, informed him that the place was full and that we have to wait. He seemed to have recovered from his nervousness, and was already playing a game in his fone. He did cast furtive glances on the people passing by though. The couples, upon seeing us, paid no special attention. Just a normal homo couple.

I also took a peep on the other people waiting with us, especially on the younger-looking guys and their girlfriends. There's no doubt what they'll be using the rooms for. There were couples with big travelling bags and other stuff, like they were really going somewhere and were just using the rooms to sleep and rest. I wasn't fooled. Those bags were empty. They were props.

Two by two, the lobby was being emptied of couples as the waiting numbers were called, but more were coming in. At least, the total number of customers will be an even number. I hoped.

"Number 28," a man called. I stood and went back to the counter, told the staff how many hours, etc, etc, paid, took the room keys, and went to the elevator. Thankfully, the guy followed right behind me. I dreaded calling his attention to follow me, and in doing so, calling all the other people's attention on me and him. I've had enough unwanted attention already.

The elevator coming down empty was the biggest relief of the day. We relaxed, took deep breaths, and I assured the guy that soon...

The elevator door opened to admit a hotel staff. A guy.

Unexpectedly, he bowed his head, murmured courtesies, and kept himself in a corner where he couldn't see us. He kept his head bowed til he got off the elevator.

Finally, we reached our floor. It was funny how we sneaked through the corridors, making sure there was nobody to see us. Signs clearly pointed where our room was, and it was a breeze finding it. Then, we reached our door, I pulled the key from my pocket, unlocked it, and we quickly slipped inside. Only 10 seconds passed before the door was again, locked.

***

THE END

Ha! Are you expecting more?

Okay...

A couple of hours later...

SECRET!

Hahaha! All was full of love. That's all I can say about what happened later. Everything's good when done with love.

:)

HIV+

LE once told me that one of the things she admires about me most is that I never panic. We were about to submit a reaction paper for our Enzymes class the next day and I haven't really read the articles that well yet. When she asked me about how I would be able to finish it, I simply shrugged and told her that everything would be fine eventually. We're already MS students, I told her. We don't need to grovel with acads as much as we did.

***

D made me confess about the exploration I've done last August (see "Sa Apartment") and one of the things he made me admit (aside from the... other things) was that I wasn't safe when I did what I did.

"What are the chances anyway?" I told him. "He looked healthy enough for me..."

But still, deep in my mind lodges the idea that at present, I might be sick. Even if I do look out for symptoms, I will not be able to see anything this early. It's only been 5 months since that night.

If I were to be tested right now and the results proved that I'm HIV-positive, I will accept it. I was educated enough. I knew the risks that I took, and it was my choice to have done that unprotected. If my death were to be caused by AIDS, so be it. I'm strong enough to handle it. I think.

But how am I going to explain it to those I had sex with since?

The small probability that I might have it scares me enough. But I'm scared more for those who I might have infected... They're probably going to kill me if I am sick.

To be safe, I'll have myself tested next month. Before Valentine's to be safer.

***

But despite this unsolved uncertainty, I'm still not in a panic... as long as I don't uselessly dwell on it often.

:(

Prostitute

Tumigil na ang ulan at lumabas na kami sa apartment. Ihatid ko daw siya, sabi niya. Naisip ko na hindi na siya bata para ihatid pa, pero ano bang magagawa ko? Kung tutuusin, siya ang naka-"jackpot" sa akin ngayon, at ako ang may karapatang humingi ng mga pabor. Pero ano nga ba talagang magagawa ko?


Sumakay kami sa taxi. Tahimik. Pagod. Nakatingin lang sa bintana. Umiinom siya ng takeout softdrinks mula sa KFC, ako naman, hawak ko ang aking payong sa isang maiskandalong posisyon. Ngunit imbis na maligalig ako sa aking ginagawa, wala akong nararamdaman. Wala akong iniisip kung hindi ang kahiwagaan ng pakikipagrelasyon.


Naisip ko kung gaano pala talaga kahirap ang makahanap ng isang taong tunay na makakasundo mo. Yung tipo ng taong babagay sa moods mo, sa ugali mo, sa trabaho mo, sa habits mo. Ang hirap. Lalo na para sa mga kagaya ko na inaalipusta pa rin ng lipunan hanggang ngayon.


Nakarating na kami kung saan niya gustong bumaba. Bumaba na rin ako dahil may bibilihin pa ako. Minsan, kakaibang isipin na sa lahat ng nangyari ay parang hindi pa rin kami talagang magkasama. Para kaming mga strangers na nagkataon lang na sabay maglakad at may common na pupuntahan. Hindi ko siya kinakausap dahil wala namang kailangang pag-usapan. Nagawa ko na ang trabaho ko. Yun lang.


Kinabahan ako sa aking naramdaman. Ganun ba talaga iyon? Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko pang gawin iyon? Naisip ko lang, nagawa ko na din naman ito nang ilang beses na, at pareho lang naman ang reaksyon ko sa nangyari ngayon. Coldness. Detachment. Nothingness.


Ganun ba talaga iyon?  Hindi ba siya sagradong bagay na hindi lang basta-basta pinapakawalan? Dahil sa pagnanais ko na maging cool at astig, na maging normal, ginagawa ko ang mga ganitong bagay. Pero bakit hindi ko ito ikinatutuwa? Wala akong nakukuhang release o contentment sa mga ganitong bagay. Ibig sabihin ba hindi ako cool at astig? O baka naman hindi lang ako mababaw kagaya nang iba?


Tama nga si Cookie, wala doon ang attachment. Malaki ang pinagkaiba ng sex sa making love.

Sa Apartment

Guys! This is the blog of all blogs!!! Promise! Tandaan natin ang araw na ito - August 6, Linggo, dahil ito ay ang Linggo ng Wika este Linggo ng Kamalayan!!!

Para sa mga current students ko na friends ko na dito sa Friendster ngayon, huwag kayo masyado mabigla. Sige, bibigyan ko kayo ng short introduction. Huwag na huwag magbabago ang tingin ninyo sa akin ha? At kung babasahin niyo ito please lang tapusin ninyo at huwag kayo magconclude agad. Lalo na yung mga nagbabasa ng blog ko na hindi ko naman friends dito (ehem). Actually, ayos lang yun basta magcomment lang kayo para may feedback ako at hindi puro tsismis lang na umaalingawngaw sa IC ang masagap ko.

Ganito kasi. Naguguluhan ako sa aking sekswalidad. Kasi umiibig ako sa babae pero naattract din ako sa lalaki. Kaya ang gulo. Iniisip ko tuloy kung ano ba ko? Girl, boy, bakla, tomboy? Hehehe.

Heto ngayon, may girlfriend ako dati, kaso nagkagusto din ako sa isang guy. Tapos parang naiisip ko pa din yung guy na yun kahit nga walang nangyari sa amin. Kaya ang gulo talaga. Ngayon, humingi ako sa girlfriend ko ng panahon para makilala ko ang sarili ko. At ibinigay naman nya, kaya nga kami nag-break.

So ngayon, dahil nagbreak kami, sinubukan kong makipagrelasyon at makipagsex sa lalaki kasi hindi pa naman ako nagkaka-boyfriend. So hayan, I've got my means (fone, net, money) to explore.

Una, yung nangyari "Sa Motel" kung saan nakipag casual sex ako sa isang guy (you can read the complete details in the blog with the same title). Ang result? Wala. Palpak. Akala ko magugustuhan ko pero zero talaga.

Naisip ko nun - siguro dahil first time, at sa kakaibang place namin ginawa kaya ganun. So anong decision ko? Try ulit.

Pangalawa, textm8 na guy. Hayun, nahulog ang loob sa akin agad-agaran. Pero hindi ko siya nagustuhan. Ang result? Palpak na naman!

Pangatlo, heto fresh na fresh pa dahil nangyari lang kanina. Naghire ulit ako ng guy para subukang makipagsex with. Nagkita kami sa SM North. Dun sa Annex, sa may Esprit mga 7pm. Nung nakita ko siya, wow pogi pala. Long hair, at mala-Orlando Bloom. Naattract din naman ako sa kanya nung una. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, yes! This will be the sex of my life! Finally, matutupad na din ang pangarap ko...

Kumain kami muna sa Wendy's (bayad ko). Wala akong masyadong gana kumain dahil kinakabahan ako. Di rin kami masyado nag-uusap. Tinitingnan ko siya secretly at medyo nahohot naman ako occasionally.

After dinner, sakay kami taxi papuntang apartment para sa familiar territory ko na gagawin. Tamang-tama dahil umuwi si Chase sa La Union so solo ko yung bahay. Sabi ko iinom lang ako ng beer at magyoyosi muna bago namin gawin yun. Sabi niya ok lang pero hindi siya umiinom at nagyoyosi. So ako na lang. Medyo nahilo ako sa alcohol pero hindi pa din nawawala ang kaba. Awkward moment, paano ba ito sisimulan?

Basta hayun, fast forward na! Hayan na, at balik na naman sa nangyari dun sa motel. Wala na naman. Iniisip ko, teka gusto ko itong tao na ito ha... Pero wala pa din talaga. Para lang akong isang makina na kumikilos pero hindi talaga ako nag-eenjoy sa mga ginagawa ko. Iniisip ko nga na pauwiin na lang siya pero baka kasi mahurt siya.

This time, ginawa na namin yung hindi ko ginawa dun sa motel. Siya kasi nagsabi na gawin daw namin yun. Sa totoo lang, medyo ayoko pero nahiya naman ako sa kanya. Ouch! Ang sakit pucha! Pero nung una lang pala, at talagang pinipigilan ko ang ma-<toot!> dahil ang laking kalat nun di ba? Pero wala talaga. Walang moment na nag-enjoy ako. Para akong nagpa-rape, yun lang. Nawalan pa ng pera at virginity.

Natapos ang lahat nang hindi ako naligayahan. Nangatog lang ang tuhod ko, napagod, at sumakit ang hips pero wala! WALA! Lalaki ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naaattract sa lalaki pero pagdating dun sa sex, wala din naman. Kahit na anong akala ko na mag-eenjoy ako, kapag nasa moment na. Wala talaga!

Haay lintek ang gulong buhay 'to leche. Kahit papaano kasi, umaasa ako na magugustuhan ko nga yun dahil yun ang nafeel ko nung una! Pero hindi pala. Hay naku si Lord, pinaglalaruan ang buhay ko. Para saan pa ang lahat ng kadramahan ko dito, ito din pala ang kalalabasan...

Kung magbubulag-bulagan ako, sasabihin kong baka hindi pa din talaga ako straight (panigurado lang). Sabi nga ni LE, baka hindi lang talaga ako pang casual sex. Dapat talaga mahal ko ang ka-sex ko, at kung hindi, walang mangyayari. Pero may mga tao bang ganun? Di ba kung straight ka, basta nalibugan ka, go? Kahit di mo siya mahal?

Kanina nga, iniisip kong makipagbalikan sa ex-girlfriend ko. Dahil nakilala ko na ang sarili ko at natapos na ang walang kuwentang panghuhumaling ko sa mga lalaki...

Siguro, (siguro lang ha), kung magkakaboyfriend ako ngayon at mamahalin ko, siguro (waah di ko maisip puta) kaya ko (waah) makipag (waaah ayaw ko!) sex sa kanya (ay naku hindi ko talaga sure!) Kailangan ko kasing maging open-minded (tipong scientist) at alamin ang lahat-lahat bago makapag-conclude nang tunay.

So anong next move ko after realizing na casual sexwise, di ko talaga siya kaya sa same sex? Find a boyfriend to love? Nge, ewan ko. Hindi ko talaga siya feel ngayon. Bahala na pero I doubt talaga.

Ang gusto ko talagang gawin ay makipagbalikan sa ex ko, dahil nagbunga na ang paghihirap naming dalawa. Kung tatanggapin niya ako ulit, our relationship will become stronger kasi kung darating ulit yung doubts, I know na wala din yun dahil I've been there... Nagawa ko na finally at nalaman kong hanggang akala lang talaga yun. Magkakaanak na ako! Magkakapamilya! Grabeng buhay ito. Kahit masculinity pinapaappreciate sa akin ni God.

So dahil ba dito maniniwala na ulit ako sa Diyos? Malamang. Kasi para sa akin, ito ay isang milagro. Parang sa huli din pala, ibibigay din niya ang nararapat na kaligayahan para sa akin. Mirakol!

To end this, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang mga nararamdaman natin ngayon ay maaari pa ring magbago. Di ba nga may kasabihan na change is chuva? So I'll wait. Maghihintay nang ilang araw at kung hindi na magbago ang current settings ko, saka ako makikipagbalikan sa kanya (hopefully in time for her birthday this Friday!)

Haha. Nakakamiss din kasi ang fucking. Best sex ko pa din ang sa amin! (Oops! Sowee...)

P.S.
Kagaya nung P.S. sa "Sa Motel", naaamoy ko na naman siya sa akin hanggang ngayon. At heto pa, alam niyo ba ang bext conclusion of all? Mas malaki pa din yung sa akin kahit na malaki pa katawan niya. I'm so blessed there pala! Hehehe...

Sa Motel

WARNING: This blog entry is Rated R. Those who are below 18 years old (especially my past students) are strongly advised not to proceed reading this. This might contain details which some of you may find umm... distasteful? If you are going to proceed though, please keep in mind that even if I am a teacher, I do have my own personal life separate from my profession. I am a normal person, just like you. Don't worry this isn't erotic. (It's funny actually...)


***


10 am, naglalakad ako sa may _______. Palingon-lingon. Kabado. Sobrang kabado. First time ko 'to gagawin. At sa hindi ko pa kakilala. Naisip ko nga na mag-bungee jumping na lang kaysa ituloy ito. Pero, hindi, inisip ko na kaya ko 'to. Ako pa? Si Bryan, susuko? Maduduwag? Adventurous yata 'to. Paano ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan? (Clarification, sa girls hindi na ako virgin... Read on.)


Kung saan-saan pa ako nagkalat bago pumunta sa aming meeting place. Ang daming tao, tapos parang lahat pareho nang gagawin ko. Over paranoia. Nakaka-praning kasi mag-isa ka lang, tapos yun pa... Yung gagawin mo. Kabadong kabado ako pero sige, masaya din naman 'to... Sana. Text na lang ng text. Saan ka na? Malapit na ba?


Sabi nya, naka-yellow daw sya. Kaya hayun, tuwing may dadaan na naka-yellow nate-tense ako. Siya na ba yun? Ito kaya? Napa-yosi na ko sa tensyon. Nung pangalawang stick ko na, heto na siya. Lumapit sa akin. Nag-smile. Tumango ako. "Let's go."


Anong itsura nya? Hmmm basta sa tingin ko, mas pogi naman ako. Hehehe. Pero okay naman siya. Of course, mas malaki katawan kaysa sa akin. (Given na un.)Mabait, for one thing. At hindi effeminate. E di lakad na kami papuntang motel. Alam nya yung lugar, so sunod lang ako sa kanya. By that time, tinadyakan ko na ang confidence ko. Tuloy, siya pa yung mas mukhang kabado at bago sa gagawin namin. Na-intimidate kaya siya sa itsura at asta ko?


Oo na, reader. Alam ko tinatanong nyo ang mga sarili niyo kung bakit ko ginagawa ito. Tinanong ko din ang sarili ko nun, habang naglalakad na kami. Alam ko na parang mababa ang tingin niyo sa amin. At bumaba pa dahil nag-eengage ako sa casual sex. Pero para sa akin, wala lang un. For fun lang. At yun nga, para masubukan ang mga bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa. Sus, 21 na ako. Minsan lang ako magiging bata, kaya habang maaga, go lang nang go! And besides, kaya ko nang alagaan ang sarili ko. Kung magkasakit man ako, kasalanan ko na yun. Aware ako dun.


Anyway, heto na. Pumasok na kami sa motel. Ano pangalan? Alam nyo na yun dahil sukang-suka na tayo sa pangalan nya at ng kanyang lurid trademark colors. Secret pala yung pasukan niya. Ginagawa pa nga ung pinto nung pumasok kami.


Nahiya ba ako sa mga attendants? Hindi. As I've said, ang confident ko nga e. (You have to give it to me. Kung ikaw siguro, umihi ka na sa floor or tumakbo sa takot.) Three hours or two hours? tanong nung attendant. Three hours daw sabi ng kasama ko. May pagka-mahal sya ha. Mga Php 3**. At ako pa ang pinaka-usap nya dun sa babae, e sya nga tong supposedly na mas sanay. Pero ayos lang naman. Bigay ng bayad at iniabot ang susi na may napakalaking key chain.


Pagpasok namin, narealize ko na ang laki pala talaga nya. Hundreds of rooms yata. Pero malinis at mukhang hotel talaga. Makitid ang corridors at maliwanag. May elevator pa nga e. Pag may nakakasalubong kaming staff, nag goo-good morning pa. Ano kayang iniisip ng mga ito sa 'min? Tanong ko sa sarili ko. Pero go lang nang go. Sanay na naman yata sila.  Pasok na kami sa Room ***.


Hayan na ang kwarto. May bed. Malinis na CR. TV at anong tawag dun? Ung table na may drawers at salamin para makapag-makeup ang mga girls. Kulay red-orange ang light sa may bed pero may fluorescent din na naka-off. May fone din siyempre. Ung remote ng TV nakakabit sa wall (at wala syang battery, pano kaya un?) Sa table, may nakalagay na towel at extra bed sheet (pero hindi ko siya napansin agad.) May dalawang red slippers pa nga e. Umupo muna ako sa bed at huminga nang malalim.


Shet, heto na, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Paano ba ito? Konting usap diyan para naman may magawa. Bukas ng TV at nood ng porn. Actually, sawang-sawa na din ako sa porn e. Hehe. Kaya wala na syang effect sa akin. Tapos...


O, akala mo ba ikukwento ko lahat? May privacy din naman ako tsong no! Pero sige, heto na lang mga funny moments... Please para doon sa mga conservative, or masusuka sa mga ganitong klaseng "aksyon", huwag nyo na ituloy ang pagbasa. Kaawaan niyo ang sarili ninyo.


Funny moment 1: Nalock-jaw ako. Lintek! Pero naibabalik ko din naman. Mahirap pala talaga sya gawin... Kaya pala wala akong karapatan na mag-complain kung may gumagawa nun sa akin. Mahirap pala siya.


Funny moment 2: Connected dun sa funny moment 1, di ko sya nagustuhan. May point na muntikan na kong masuka. Haha!


Funny moment 3: Before naman kami mag-meet, ine-encourage nya ko na malaki daw ung sa kanya. Alam nyo na... dirty talk. But no, nung nandun na e biglang napa-Ha? na lang ako sa sarili ko. Ito na ba yung sinasabi nyang  malaki? Pero, hindi naman sa minamaliit ko siya ha (double meaning un a). Siguro malaki lang talaga ung sa akin. Hehe.


Funny moment 4: Wala nang hiyaan sa paghuhubad! Sabagay, naka-ilang sex na ba ako para mahiya pa? Napansin ko lang na, un nga, nung nakita nya yung sa kin, siguro na-intimidate sya kaya medyo tinanggal nya muna sa lime light ung kanya until nagbihis na kami. Actually, nahihiya nga ako maghubad ng brief hindi dahilsa modesty, kundi dahil wala akong... alam nyo na... proper response. Nakakahiya for him un di ba?


Please, kung nagbabasa ka pa rin ngayon at hindi mo na kinakaya, huwag mo na ipagpatuloy. Sasabihin nyo ko ng "Yuck, Bry!" o "Yuck, si SIR!". Ahaha! Kebs naman ako pero winarningan ko na kayo ha. Tao ako. Totoong tao at hindi ako nahihiya dahil parte naman talaga 'to ng buhay. Ako lang kasi ang may guts sa inyo na umamin at magkwento e. Puro kayo hiya! Ewan ko sa inyo! Modernong panahon na kaya yang mga utak-Neanderthal nyo, pwede ba, pakitapon na.


Funny moment 5: Walang effect sa akin ung ginagawa namin sa bed. Shet, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ano ba 'to? Akala ko gusto ko. Akala ko kaya ko. Kasi parang nung nakita ko na nga, parang "So? Meron din naman ako nyan. Mas malaki pa..." Kaya nag-suggest sya na mag-shower daw. Sabi ko pa, "Naku wala akong towel..." E shongs may towel nga dun di ba na provided? Halatang hindi sanay e.


Funny moment 6: In fairness, may warm shower. May sabon din. Okay... fast forward... sorry! Hanggang sa hayan, may nangyari na sa kanya. Napunta sa legs ko. Wala man lang akong "Holy shit!" na reaction. Wala. Walang exhiliration. Tapos when it was my turn, aba, hindi ko nagawa! Kung anong powers na ng imagination ang ginamit ko, wala pa din! (Ano kayang naisip nya?) So in short, hindi ako nag-iwan ng bakas sa kwarto namin.


Funny moment 7: Kung hinihintay nyo ang tungkol sa part na masakit, well, sorry hindi ko ginawa yun. Kasi sa totoo lang, gusto ko na ako ung "male" part sa amin, e parang never pa sya naging "female" part so, kaya din siguro walang pinatunguhan ang ginawa namin. Well, at least for me walang masyadong erotic benefit. Pero nakapag-shower naman ako, at least. Hehehe.


Hayun kaya heto, may lakas pa kong mag-internet about that. Pero don't take me wrong, hindi ko pinipintasan yung kasama ko. Sa totoo lang, I'm very thankful dahil walang nangyari sa aking masama at tinulungan nya ako na mag-explore. Maswerte ako at siya ang nakasama ko ngayon.


O anong conclusion? Straight yata ako. Or asexual. Haha. Madami din sigurong factors kung bakit ganoon ang nangyari... Bahala na ang future pero I wouldn't say no to another round. Of both. (Kuha mo?)


Hi reader. Wala lang, masaya lang ako today. Hindi siya sa sexual ha, emotional happiness. Medyo natututunan ko nang mahalin ang sarili ko at mas maging open sa mga ganitong bagay. Alam mo ba, kaya ko din isinulat ito dito ay para ma-open ang mga isip ninyo about these things. Sana tanggapin nyo na ang ganitong mga bagay ay normal. Walang masama dito. Naging masama ba ako sa ginawa ko? May nagbago ba sa pagkakakilala nyo sa akin?


Sana wala. Kasi sa totoo lang (class) dapat ngang tularan at hangaan ang mga kagaya ko dahil hindi ako nahihiya na silahis ako (o bakla o straight o kung anuman - di ko pa talaga alam e.) Hindi ako nagtatago, kagaya ng iba diyan na nasa denial stage pa din. Ano bang masama dito? Ang mga sarili lang naman natin ang totoong kumakalaban sa atin. Huwag na nating labanan pa. Mahirap gawin yun, oo alam ko. Napakahirap, pero hahayaan lang ba nating manaig ang ideya ng ibang tao kaysa sa mismong sarili nating pagkatao. Nabubuhay ka ba para sa kanila? Sila ba ang tama at ikaw ang mali?


May tiwala ako sa iyo, reader. Alam ko na hangad mo din ang kaligayahan ko kaya sana masaya ka din dahil sa ginawa kong ito, naging mas kuntento ako sa sarili ko.


Kitams, may kalibugan ba sa entry na 'to? Kung meron kang naisip, ikaw ung green-minded hindi ako ha. Hehehe.


Salamat sa pagbabasa. Sana may natutunan ka. (Bukod sa tips, hehe.)


P.S.
Totoo pala yung nahuhuli ng mga misis kung nambabae si mister nila dahil sa amoy ng damit or ng katawan. Wala lang, kasi naaamoy ko pa din sya sa akin hanggang ngayon.