Lightning-Shaped Scar

I am in doubt whether I should still post my journal entries in here
They are all so full of sorrow that I dont think it will be very enjoyable to read
And besides only a select few will know what I am so sorrowful about
I am so tired.. of being like this
Why do I have to keep these things secret?
Why do I go on writing these things in here and yet not fully give it away - i should always leave some things in vagueness
I hint yet I dont always support my hints
I long for the time when I do not have to be this secretive
when I can be just ME
because there are so many things I would have liked to discuss in here if not for this "hiding"
Why do I always have to cope with you?
Why dont you try coping with me?
Fitting in in your world, try fitting in mine!

I long for the time when I do not have to look down on myself
havent I thought myself great?
that is still true
Great in comparison with other people
with my personal standards though, I am not up to scratch
But why should I base my standards on you?
Just because it has always been that way?
No..
Because that is the way it should be..

Now I am sad again
But a different sadness
Internal, and not triggered by other people
I am robbed
Of things I have a right to
Of things which make life really matter
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why dont you have it?
Why dont you try it for a day, and see how frustrating things could be?
Why does it rob me of happiness I deserve?
Why does it have to be this way?
You, having fun, lying back - just enjoying life
Me, having fun, lying back - trying to enjoy this life I was meant to endure than to live
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why do i have to carry this all my life?
I just want to have fun just like you, you know
I just want to enjoy living
I dont want to be in this state
I just want to be like you
And I cant
Thats what makes it worse
I cant!