Cough It All Out

I have lost so much this month. October.. Maybe that is why this month was almost falling off my made-up Harry Potter calendar. I keep pasting it back but it keeps falling off.. So much has changed. Somehow, I want to turn back time.. Wake me up when September ends because here comes October to give me a good beating..

I have never been happy since the Eleventh.. Why do I have to lose so much in such a short time? You realize I'm rambling, do you? Well, it is because I am just so sad that I can hardly organize my thoughts.

I miss my class most. I know.. Maybe it isn't normal for a teacher to be so attached. It is my fault.. I always look at their photo album everyday. And it makes me miss them more. I like to see how happy they were together. All smiles. Especially the last picture where they all jumped. I like that most.. There were three excess pages in there. I will be using those. I have already placed in there the receipt from the videoke and the skating rink. I've also placed the list of questions I made - the quiz I gave them.

One thing that makes me sad is that not everybody showed up on the Eleventh. It.. makes me.. uneasy. I have not said a proper goodbye to those who did not come. Too bad they do not realize how much they matter to me. Too bad I may not be able to see them again.. Too bad. I am just so sad.

Another loss is my fone. I am missing it so much because I have saved in there the most memorable text messages I have received. Memories lost.. Well, it was my fault I lost it. I was so engrossed, thinking about <never mind> that I did not notice where my fone has gone to. I guess it fell off my pockets.. It was a premonition, though. The date was October 4. 

I lost my ring too. Not lost, really.. gave it away. Yeah, there were times when I wish it back. The few days after October 4, I keep noticing its absence on my middle finger. But now, I do not notice anymore. There were times, especially on lonely nights, when I wanted to ask for it back. It was a good thing I did not give in. This is the best.. for her. I was about to type "for the both of us", but it isn't for me. Hell, I was just too hurt about losing <never mind> that I hardly thought about why I will be giving the ring back. The next thing I knew, everyone was drunk, releasing their sorrows.. except me. Getting drunk and not being able to let it all out. Because no one will understand. Everyone's attention was on the ring. Not on me. Not on me! Well , it was because the ring needs them more. Yeah take care of the ring, you do not know that I was hurt too, for a stupid reason, and that makes it hurt more! YOU do not know about me and my <fone>, and the times we had together! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MATTERS! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT TOO! ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT I WAS IN THE WRONG AGAIN!

Fool.. Here I am again. Why am I so passionate? I have given all in that night. Gathered up all my inner strength just to be able to know the outcome. I thought about it. I thought about my chances, I thought I have prepared myself. But I was wrong. I am still into the blue. I am not thinking about <never mind> anymore.. I am just feeling sad. Maybe it has something to do with me.. just being me. this person who you thought you knew. Sometimes, it just gets too.. hard.. to bear. Please help me..

I have lost count on how many times I have looked at my borrowed fone today. Just to check if I have messages.. None. No one remembers me anymore. No one has to say anything to me. I am not used to this disconnection. I just keep on telling myself that <you know who> is probably just helping me forget. And that, perhaps, is the best thing to do. But I am just too passionate. And I keep making a fool of myself.

I did not choose to feel this, though. Why did it have to happen to <never mind>? Why not to other people? Why do I have to have all this shitty feeling inside? I want to let it go. I want to.

Maybe it's time I return to the place where all my sorrows started.. Im coming back up to the rooftop. And perhaps jump. Hehe.. no. Im just going to smoke it all out. And cough <never mind> out of my system.