War

I went home to my parents' yesterday. And I just left a few hours ago. It was weird. I was reluctant to go. because, perhaps, I still did not want to be in my own element. When I am at the boarding house, especially now that Joy has left, I feel.. solitary?

I will feel Joy's absence more in the few days to come. Who will I talk to now? I think Id be spending more time with my cigs up at the rooftop.

Perhaps I wanted to stay home because of my mom. Or my pet baby. I didnt get to spend more time with my family. I arrived home from the party 6am. I slept, woke up at noon. Played my PS, rocked the house with music from the Sugababes. After eating dinner, I left. It was funny how I thought I was more comfortable living on my own before. Well, things were different then. I had a reason to go back to the boarding house to.

I am still not feeling okay. I am tolerably fine, but I dont feel like jumping. I am not leaking with tears. I dont want to be back in my own element. It will only set me to thinking about things past. About the two paths I used to tread and explore.

About the left path, I have nothing more to say except explanations. Nothing more will happen there. Thinking about it is painful. Like scraping my insides with something sharp. When I think of it more, I hurt myself more. I still cannot get over it because things were not fully explained for  me to be able to close the book and move on.

At last night's party, I had the opportunity to talk about it with a friend. Her conclusions matched those of my other friend's. Their explanation was reasonable, and if proven true, will probably lessen the pain by making me happier. They said that the left path did consider opening itself to me, and was surprised that it did consider, and so tried to run away from all of it by leaving me behind. It sounds egocentric, I agree, but possible. I dont really want to consider it anymore. I dont want to try lighting another flame on that stubbornly wet wood. It is over. OVER! I have to hear it from myself. It is OVER! Not even friends, everything about that is OVER. FORGET ABOUT IT!

I consider myself pathetic. Telling you about that stupid possible explanation. Sometimes, it is just hard for me to accept that I failed. That I messed up. That I did not think of things well. In fact, I do not really believe that I failed. Hahaha. I believe I still made something happen there, on the left path.. Here's something..

"cant you understand? didnt you think what the effect on me would be by your negative reaction (the negative feeling you have for me now)? i am not talking about you rejecting me. i have passed through that a long time ago. it was our friendship i cared for!

"now if you feel that you want to be disconnected from me, just say it! just tell me that i have destroyed our friendship because i made the mistake of being in love. just say that all the memories we all have had can all go to hell because the one who made it all possible has fallen in love with the wrong person. i need you to say it straight! dont do it like what you did. dont lie to me. saying that it wasnt a big deal to you, and yet proving the contrary with your reply."

Enough about that. It makes me feel sick. I dont want to explain the bit of correspondence above. I think that it sums up the things which have happened. That is why I included it here.

Now on the other path... the right path. What has been happening? Confusion. On the part of the path. On my part.. expectation. It gets terribly hard sometimes. This waiting. Especially when the subjects involved are in front of you. And you get the thought that all except you will be okay. And perhaps a memory loss (or modification) has happened..

It does make me suffer, watching things happen before I close my eyes..  But if its the best thing for the path, then what can I do?  I would let it be. All I need is a word to stop waiting - if I really am to stop waiting. But if there is still hope, I will hang on. No matter how painful it is for the both of us. But for now, it will be enough that the path will be made aware that there are effects to its actions.. Often undesirable in my part.  But no complaints. I have to bear it.

I am afraid that I will end up losing the right path, too. A sarcastic but fitting ending to my previous actions.

Life has never been this complicated. Before, I used to worry about school stuff. Org stuff. Money. Sometimes, domestic problems. Now.. I get to think about these. Relationships. The game of love. Hitting and missing. Meeting emotions at the same time. Knowing what is right and what is wrong. About losing your face. About nights under stars, thinking, with my smokes. Or sometimes with the srars themeselves. Just talking with them. About losing sleep for unknowable reasons. Knowing myself and how it brought me nowhere. Being honest and how it brought me nowhere.

But not everything has been bad. My friends are there. Now. In fact, I am not alone in fighting this war. They are with me. Encouraging me. I am not saying this just because it sounds nice to place in here. They ARE with me. Even those who do not know the whole story. I am fighting this war against despair, not alone, but with my friends, my pet cat Baby, with my mom (even if she does not know it), and with Gwen Stefani and the rest of her colleagues in music. We are fighting this bad feeling inside of me. Victory is not in sight yet, but it will come. I know it will!I cant wait to win, its been so long..  but for now, I will have to go on fighting. Fire! Fire away (in my blog) and be careful of being hit (in my heart).