Almost Crazy Fantastically

I can never trust myself. Sometimes, I turn out to be this fantastic liar. Why? Its because I keep saying things that I eventually contradict in the end. For instance, I have said in this blog that I am okay. (Remember "Resurgam"?) But I disproved that with "Escape". I do not want to be judged a liar. And I did not really lie in "Resurgam". Back then, I thought I was okay. That was the truth, then. It was not the truth in "Escape". I hate myself in that manner.

Do you think I am foolish? Yes perhaps. Why is it taking me such a long time to recover? In fact, I was about to write in this blog about me being quite okay now, but then, I saw this something, and now it appears that I would be writing about me being not okay after all. Silly. I have never been this inconsistent. With my heart.

What would it take for me to truly escape? Or perhaps I am just rushing things? You, how long did it take you? Here are some of my thoughts on my quest for finding out why this is happening to me. It could be because of the person, the experience, or my ego. Or it could be two of them, or all of them.

Lets analyze one - the person. Hmm.. Hmm.. Thinking about it gives me jitters inside. Lets say I am in front of that person right now. What would I say? I was actually preparing for that moment when I was riding at the Ikot jeep a while ago. You can never know who you will meet.. No. I would probably ignore it.  When I am in the right mood, I could be as cool as hell. There were times that I raise my chin so high that if I bumped into that person right then.. I will come out in my best. But there are times (like now) when I would rather not. I would probably do my best to avoid the encounter. What is happening to me? Fuck me! Why am I like this? I feel like I am really in need of a memory modification. Or perhaps I could just kill myself.

I have seriously considered killing myself a lot of times before. I think its cool. Killing ourself. It just shows that you are the master of your own life. A fast car does not hold the end of your life, neither does your enemy. Or bacteria or viruses. I think that is, in a way, deprecating.  Bacteria killed you. Those almost brainless simple creatures. No. Im sorry if I offended some people. But really, Id rather kill myself than be killed by anything else.

What would happen when I kill myself? Id try to tell you how it feels. Id find out a way. A bloody way. I dont want to die through an overdose of pills. Thats a  chicken-hearted way of dying. Id have it all messy, all painful. I want to feel my own life's worth. No sleep. Id feel every second of my remaining  life. How Id love that!

And I dont want to die without causing a commotion. Ill engrave it inside people's minds - the manner of my death. I dont want to be easily forgotten. I want to be the one told in ghost stories - how this seemingly cheerful and content boy, no, man, died so horribly, and how he left his farewell message in his friendster blog. That is terrific!

It is weird but I am actually feeling excited about killing myself. I really am! Believe it or not, i have that anxious feeling in your stomach right now. Like when youre in a contest and the winners are about to be announced. That feeling. It IS weird.

Okay, lets take both sides. Lets find reasons why I shouldnt kill myself. First, I will be missed by those who love me. Will I? Yeah, probably. But if they really love me, they would understand and let me be. Theyd say, "Oh, he wanted to kill himself. We let him do what he wants." There, those are my friends! They cry for themselves but not for me, since I did what I wanted to do. Dont worry I wont leave this world without leaving some notes to you. That would probably take a long time - writing to every one of you. Perhaps Ill just make a general-sort-of letter. And Ill just write your names there. Aint I nice?

What about my family? There, thats the catch. Id probably hurt my mom by killing myself. That I can never do. Perhaps if she dies ahead of me, I will probably follow her death very very very very soon. A matter of weeks, perhaps? Ah here's an idea! Id be the worst son there'd be! So she wont miss me when I finally go. Or perhaps I will kill myself when Im already out of touch with them. When Im abroad, so they wont know until its too late. No, my mom loves me more than all of these. No matter what I do.. Hmm.. Ill have to find a way to get around that before I decide to kill myself.

Hush, dont worry, though. Perhaps when I am drunk, I wont remember my mom, and then I could go on and kill myself! Thatd be great! Or perhaps when I am in a low state - so low that Im almost crazy I wont remember anything, even my mom. But I have to remember to kill myself in a fantastic manner. That I should not forget. Perhaps I should have it tatooed on my arm or something - "Hey Bry, die fantastically!"

I dont want to discuss the other two points I have picked out way above anymore. No, I just want to talk about death. Death, yes, death! Hell's glare! Finally!

Im an agnostic. I dont really care where I go to when I die. If I go to hell, and suffer there, then Id suffer. Dyou think Id cry out? NO. It was my decision that led me there, and Ill stand by it. Sometimes, I believe that those who believe in God are chickens. Some of them. Those who just want assurance that when they die, theyd be in this "better" place. Those who cant fight demons on their own. I dont believe in demons either, thats part of my being agnostic. Sometimes, it takes guts to be an agnostic. Because being one will mean losing your pretty little guardian angel. You are all alone in this world, dumb ass. Cant you see that?

Hey, perhaps that was a bit too hot. I was just carried away. Anyhow, death death what more to say? I want to feel hell, feel pain inside me. Masochistic. Its because I have this shitty feeling inside me still (how many fucking times have I said that?). I am so FUCKING TIRED about having no other topic to talk about here. I am SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! What does it take? Tell me!! What does it take to forget??! Ive drank all the alcohol I could and still I cant let this out. I need more! More! Its just not enough.. I am trying to forget and still I end up here. I am so damn weak.. What does it take? How can I forget all this, fuck YOU!!!

Sigh. Writing here helps though. Right now, I feel a little bit tired. Like the tired feeling you get from bashing things when youre mad. That kind of tiredness. A tiredness that wants to make you feel relaxed.. Like you just want to close your eyes for a while, lie down, and not think of anything. Turning away from people for a while because they can never really fully understand you. Especially me. I am more complicated than a normal person. Really.

I actually considered trying to tell you something. But I have lost my momentum. And besides, if you just read carefully all my entries here. If you think, if you put pieces together and has a good hold of grammar, you will know by now what I am talking about, and so I dont need to write it out here. If you are not smart enough to figure it out, then perhaps, it is best for you not to know for now. It really isnt that big a deal, and if I still have enough writing momentum, I could easily type it here.  But as Ive said, Im quite tired now.. I will tell you what you want to know. One thing at a time though. One thing at a time.