Veritaserum

It is weird. I think I am a chicken after all. No, I havent watched "Chicken Little", and I never will. I just realized that I went on boasting how brave I was about killing myself, and not believing in God, and yet I cannot face that person.

How chicken shit is that? I am not going into that phase anymore. Sometimes I just have to put some more guts into me. Messing up relationships has always been a bad thing to me. But now I wont. Sometimes, you just have fun. You fool around.

You made a fool of yourself? Laugh at it! Make believe that you meant to look that way all along. Somebody hurt you bad? Laugh at it! Why will you be affected by that pathetic person? Laugh and tell yourself that they dont know what theyre missing, leaving you like that. Do you need them more than they need you? Of course not! You are an independent being. You dont lean on anybody, they lean on you. You are the best, the greatest, and losing you was the worst mistake they ever made!

Ha! Who was I kidding? I am not this person. I am honest with what I feel. If I feel hurt, I write that Im hurt. If I feel shit, I give you shit. If Im pathetic, I tell you Im pathetic. Do I need to pretend? That sucks! I am not ashamed of what I feel, thats how I am! I mean, if people dont believe in what you feel anymore, will you do the same to yourself too? I am the only one Ive really got and I will not desert myself. If I feel stupid shitty feelings, I help myself let go of them. I dont reprimand myself. I wont pretend that theyre not there and try to live another life.

Some people may say that that is the way to get over some things. Maybe true for some cases, but not with this. I believe that I will get over this without pretending and fooling myself. Without ignoring what I really feel. Just let it out. Dont hide it. And I think I am feeling better. Not perfectly okay though, to be HONEST. Sometimes I wonder whether I would return to normal again. Hey Im referring to this one issue, okay? I am normal in other aspects (in fact better in some). Hehe. Here goes my big head again.

You know one good thing about all my blogging is that I learn while I blog. When I sit in front of the computer, I do not know all that I will write. I just go on typing. Sometimes I get an idea. Most of the time though, when I want to blog, i just blog. And I usually end up my entries nicely-suited to my initial intentions.

Yes, I learn while I blog. Its just like talking to somebody when youre trying to find a solution to your problem. But unlike mere chatting, you organize your thoughts when you write. And you wont be distracted. Also, you get all your ideas from yourself. It gives you a good feeling when you realize that all along you have the answers to your hells within you. You just have to distill them.