Courage

It is common knowledge to those who know me that I wanted to be Harry Potter (and sometimes I make believe that I really am him). Ive been a fan since I was in high school, before the movies started. It was just that I found myself like Harry in many ways. He was skinny, with a messy mop of black hair, bespectacled, green-eyed (green is my favorite color), and abused by his cousin and uncle (I was too, by my dad and my bro before he went mad). It was rare for me to find someone I can relate to, especially in those times when everybody is waiting for me to grow up. It was the start of my obsession.

Unfortunately, magic is not real in the scientific world where I am now. It is quite confusing, making believe there is magic when scientific data proves there is and will never be such a thing. They are indeed opposite - phenomena you cannot explain through science is called supernatural or magical. I really do not believe in magic anymore. I am, like most of us, am growing old and starting to lose my imagination.

Besides physical appearances, there is one more thing which is common in both of us - the thirst to prove ourselves. And Harry did. He survived encounters with dark wizards and became the hero he never thought he could be. He found a home in the magical world, where many thinks he is special. I did, too. I proved that I can excel in many of the things I like. I simply had to let go of myself, and do what I want. I made things happen. I did not pass through events without making ripples if not waves. I made myself known. I made my mark.

Like Harry, could I have been sorted into Gryffindor?  I was in doubt about that for some time. Gryffindor needs courage - something I thought that I was lacking. I mean, I am peace-loving. I am not the bully. I dont pick fights with just everyone..

But I was wrong. Courage cannot be measured in that sense alone. We may not have monsters, or dark wizards in our world which we can fight, but we have our own problems. It is through those that we can show true courage.

For instance, just last month, I summoned all my courage to be able to tell someone about my feelings. It was very hard in the beginning. Something inside told me - No! Dont be a complete fool! Think! But I never listened to that voice. I told myself that if it is going to happen, I will make it happen. I will know the outcome NOW. The chance may never come again. I do not want to just sit watch, and let it pass by.

It was not easy though. That night was one of the most difficult times of my life. Like I was passing through this grinding machine all the hours when I was doing it. It feels the same as when you are facing a real monster (as if I would know). It did not turn out.. good. And that is the reason why I fell. It is puzzling that however you think you have prepared yourself for the worst, you are still not ready.

But I am proud of myself for doing that - showing how I feel. It may not seem like it was the best thing to do, in those circumstances. The good thing is, I ended it. I survived (not strictly correct - still surviving). It was true - what cant kill you makes you stronger.

And so, there. I have told you about how brave I was. Could you have done it in my place? Maybe. But it isnt as simple as it seems to be. It wasnt your typical scenario. Not at all.

I am happy about my decisions. And I think I will be making another big one soon. Before my birthday or on my birthday itself. I will show you how brave I can really be. Be ready. I hope I am.