- Sugababes
***
Dear D,
Hey Baby. I wonder how you are. I've been sending you messages over Facebook you know, but you never seem to receive them. You must have blocked me from messaging you. Well, I'd rather believe that than the possibility that you simply do not want to reply to me.
I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. I bet you'll be with your barkada and your new guy this coming New Year's Eve. I bet you'll be at Carlo's rooftop, drinking and dancing and all.
I dated a lot of guys this year, Baby. Nine guys, not counting those which did not last more than the first date. Not counting those which were just for sex. I dated nine guys, Baby. And all of them failed.
The first was a rockstar. He is a vocalist in a local band from UPLB. I used to travel long distances for him, from Diliman to LB many times a week. I helped him in his thesis manuscript you know. We used to have coffee at this chic place in Laguna while he poured his heart out to me. I brought him to school once, and my students met him. I also brought him home. He carried me up the stairs like a bride (like you and I used to) and he placed me on my bed. He pinned me down and kissed me all over. It was one of the best feelings ever, Baby. I really liked that guy. But he left me days before my Compre over a trivial matter. He graduated and I failed.
The second was a bagger at SM San Lazaro. He was poor but he was cute. He had an awesome history, you know, much more colorful than ours would ever be. I brought him to O Bar once and one O Diva even asked us to kiss in front of many people. He was a real sport. Even though he did not have much money, he wanted us to have a fair share on our dates. We met many times Baby but on our last dates, I felt dragged down by his family burden. I cut off communications with him slowly and then I vanished. I still think of him sometimes. He had been really nice to me, even though I was an ass.
The third was... a bum. He only just passed the board exams that was why. At first, it was supposed to be just for sex. I tried to fuck him the first time we met but as I had no practice at all (you should know the reason why) it turned out to be quite a fiasco. We just laughed it over after, as we sat down on the table to smoke. He looked at me and that was when I knew that this was turning out to be something more than just sex. We dated for a while. He was intelligent, and I loved his sense of humor. I loved it when we kiss Baby. I used to play my guitar for him and he would smile and it was really special. He made me love the song "California King Bed". But he wasn't completely over his ex that time we met. One night I was asking him to come over, but it took him too long to reply to my messages that I snapped. I told him that I've had enough. I deleted his number. I deleted him from Facebook. Days after, I realized my folly and when I tried to contact him again, he was gone. I couldn't find him anymore.
The fourth was... well, another bum. He lived somewhere near SM North and we didn't really last that long. He was okay, though, and I like his interest in things. I gave him a lot of my stuff which I didn't need and I was happy that it pleased him greatly. He was young and he was a really good fuck. I loved his stamina. Sadly though, we fell out of it. Nobody seemed to want to fix things back to where they were and we both moved on with no hard feelings to each other.
The fifth was a Makati call center agent. I've known him for a very long time, Baby. He wanted me to be a fuckbuddy and not as a boyfriend, and that was fine with me. We met several times this year and one time I brought him to our apartment in Sikatuna. After a night of drinking, I woke up to find everything cleaned up. He did the cleaning while we were sleeping. He is weird like that. Many times I kept asking him that we should give us another go but he seemed to want to just keep me as a friend. And in the end, I suppose that is really for the best, considering that if there was a Venn diagram of our interests, only "sex" will be in the overlapped portion. We still communicate, and I have to admire his patience because I only reply to him one out of five times.
The sixth was a writer. I think. Of sorts. He was really smart and he got along with my friends really well. He had a lot of piercings done on his face, weird hair, artsy fashion, and he has a UP-ish sense of humor even though he wasn't from our school. He was really artistic. He knows a lot about books and paintings and music. I believe he can even rival me when it comes to music trivia. Once we had this "guess that tune" game with my friends and he won. One night after a day together, he already went home (a long way off) and I asked him to come back and he did and even brought some food with him. He was really mature and all in all he was okay but I just wasn't physically attracted to him. I was distraught by that realization, but I really did try to summon feelings of attraction for him. Eventually, we fell apart too.
The seventh was my sweetheart. He was half a foreigner so we had to talk in English all the time. Sometimes I make fun of his Tagalog because it was just so cute. He was the sweetest thing ever, Baby. And he loved the book I wrote for you (which you returned to me after we broke up). He was the first guy I kissed in public, too. We were just so sweet, holding hands everywhere, kissing everywhere. He was a dream of a lover. One rainy night we even went to Luneta, and sat on a bench under an umbrella. That will probably one of the nights I will never forget in my whole life, Baby. And when he became my boyfriend, it was the sweetest thing! I can leave him at home and he will chat with my Mom and my Dad and they got along well. I couldn't ask anything more from him, Baby. But I... I felt choked with his love. It was all so overwhelming and I found myself missing my time alone more and more until it became clear to me that I wasn't ready for him yet. I broke up with him in the lamest possible way and to this day, I carry that guilt that I never did him justice. One day, I will find the courage to face him again. I will.
The eighth was... Mr. Complicated. We met at unusual circumstances. The rules were blurred. And... And I suppose I'm still in pain over him, Baby because... Because he was the best guy I've ever met in my whole life. He was better than you. When I'm with him I just feel so different. I feel so understood and I can feel that we resonate somehow. He has this way with me and it was just all so intense that's why I couldn't write about him properly. The first time I hugged him I almost cried. That was how fierce it was for me. We tried to make a story where I as the scriptwriter and he was the director. But... I'm afraid that he does not like me back. Everything had been too easy for him, and boys everywhere fall head over heels for him and I suppose to him, I was just one of those foolish guys. That hurts but that is the truth. I wish I can still see him one day... If only to end the story that we have begun.
The ninth was a chemist. He was very sporty too, and he loves to run and do other sporty stuff. He was quite smart and he seemed to be interested in my albums. I invited him over once and he was cuddlier than I originally thought him to be. I felt sad though, because that was the night that I realized that we were never going to be more than friends. That was fine, since he wasn't looking for a relationship, but you know, that will give me less reasons to see him again. It was all quite very recent (only hours have elapsed) so I'm still unsure of what to think of him.
So there, Baby. Those were the nine guys I've dated this year. A record I've set for 2011. Nine experiences and nine lessons in love. Nine kilig moments and nine heartbreaks.
Ask me now, Baby. Ask me who I love the most now. And even if I tell you the answer, it wouldn't really matter. Because I have learned to distrust my feelings. Every single time, I keep telling myself that this was it. That this was the right love for me. But then they fail. They keep failing. But the most amazing part of it all is that I've gone through these whole. I'm okay. I'm still standing, Baby.
You know Baby, when you've gone through a lot of things, it becomes harder and harder to define what real love is. The bar keeps being set higher and higher. The feelings become more and more intense but still, that's not love. I can meet this new guy and he can turn my world around, but no, that's not love either.
I wonder, Baby, what is love for you? Did you feel love when we were together? Do you think I did?
Sigh.
Love (Did I really?),
B
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