In the post-college years of my life it had become more and more evident that I had been diverging from what society considers as the norm. This has always been a major source of frustration for me since, like most of you, I do have a longing to belong. This deeply established desire stemmed from my initial adolescent struggles against my impending homosexuality. I did not want to be considered a freak so I fought against it. All I wanted then was to find a girlfriend and settle and have a family. I did not want to be singled out, pointed to in the streets (in my mind it's KNL's) as a target of insults. I've cried myself to sleep so many nights, cursing God among many things for this confusion, until I learned better - that society is the one which is wrong in its standards.
This victorious but painfully earned acceptance of my sexuality gave me the courage to question other social mores (e.g. authority, aesthetics, hypocrisy, the meaning of life and death, and most recently, religion) and with the hundreds of hours of contemplation (over coffee and smokes and music) I've devoted to thinking about these things, I came to formulate my own rules. My own standards of living. It was during these years that I developed an autonomy when it comes to my own personal growth. I did not let myself be dictated by anyone. I jumped off the path everyone was taking and forged my own, regardless of the cost. I just shrugged my shoulders and told everyone that this was the way for me to learn.
Most of my friends only shook their heads at my folly, especially when they found me drunk or heartbroken or catching this embarrassing STD or failing at my academics. I had a very strong feeling that some of them were already thinking of me then as the embodiment of what would happen if you destroy your own life. And by looking at how stable they were in their own lives, how outwardly happy they were, I believed them.
Despite this, I struggled on with my own convictions. I just couldn't... change. I surrendered to my own instincts. I was out of control and I let myself be carried by the downward spiral I've set in motion for my own doom. I had this strong inexplicable desire to crash and let myself hit rock bottom because I was somehow excited at the prospect of that amazingly new experience. It is known that mostly, I've had a successful life despite all the odds I've had to go through. Whatever I did (or did not do), I somehow made it through and sometimes I even ended up on top of things. It was all too easy, I thought. I wanted to feel what it means to really work hard for something.
FIRST CONTACT
I had my academically-perverted wish fulfilled served in two tasty morsels. First, when UP kicked me out and second, when I failed my Compre (by a fingernail and an eyelash, how frustrating can that be?). I was like "Wow this is finally happening to me now..." That easy-go-lucky person who many used to look up to was now cast down, humiliated, and thrown aside as unwanted.
I will be a hypocrite if I claim that I enjoyed every moment of my downfall despite my "subconscious" desire for it. To be honest, those were some of the most trying weeks of my whole life. I didn't care much for my MS but I tearfully lamented for my post in UP. I lost my outlet to change the world. I lost the one thing which kept me going and I found myself restlessly pacing at the ruins of my supposed-to-be bright career, unable to move on and rebuild. I was clueless as to what to do next and you couldn't blame me since this was the first time that such a thing ever happened to me. This was the first time that I failed at something very big and life-changing.
But the good thing about all this unpleasantness was that I did receive what I expected to receive - knowledge. This year marked my biggest leap in maturity in life and love and my close friends (to their own surprise) can attest to that. I was able to channel these external negative energies in forging a better outlook in life. My vision was sharper. My focus never been clearer. It may have looked like this was a delay in my career growth but I know that in the long run, it is better to fail now than fail later when you are more or less, already cemented to a certain path.
THE TRIUMPH OF REASON
I have to mention that my conviction as an atheist was most instrumental in helping me survive this debacle. It opened my mind to this wider and more meaningful world view, and it placed my fate squarely on the palm of my hands and not on some imaginary being. This acknowledgement of the fact that I had no one to rely on but me inspired me to become stronger and wiser. Everything around me started making more sense once religion was out of the way. With reason and logic at hand, I understood more about myself than in all the other years of my life combined.
Atheism may have accelerated my growth as an individual but not without its own problems. It taught me how to trust myself and my own instincts more than the opinion of many, and this led to a lot of conflict between me and the world. Sadly, there was little my own set of values had in common with the rest. I found society shallow, dishonest, blind, and delusional. Many times, thoughts like these kept me up at night, occasionally bursting out of my mind as posts in Facebook. Atheism gave me an internal sort of peace of mind, but in dealing with the others? It almost made me tear at my hair in frustration!
With every single rational, logical concept or view summarily dismissed or refuted through flawed arguments by some of my peers, the rift between myself and the world grew more and more. I could not understand why they cannot realize what I have realized. Despite the levels of unease I may have caused, I kept on expressing my views because I haven't lost faith (pun intended) that sooner or later, some of them will have to acknowledge the truth in what I was saying. The truth will worm its way through their minds in one way or another. And even if they blocked themselves from my message, that act alone should ultimately lead them to question their own supposedly unshakeable beliefs.
SIGNAL FIRES
A minor personal enlightenment within this enlightenment was that I discovered how passionate I was when it comes to the things which I value. I did not care about the feelings of my religious friends because I believe that the truth is superior to their comfort, no matter how inconvenient it may be. When I post such things, I really am into what I was saying, and I have this sinking feeling that hundred of eyes are being rolled by my Facebook friends after seeing yet another one of my challenging views (they do seem to keep rollin' do they?). Many times, after spending another sleepless night spent reading on relevant articles about this, I realize that it is actually scary of me how I cannot let a topic go. Like a dog with a bone in its jaws, no one can make me let go until I've wrangled the life out of the argument.
Other than existentialist endeavors, I also realized that I've been spending a ridiculously large amount of my time on seemingly useless things like my albums, semender parties, and this blog. I knew that I was doing these because I have a very powerful conviction that I need to leave something behind for this world. Memories, happiness, recorded experiences, life lessons. My students are aware of this oh so very well. I have an overwhelming need to change the world for the better, and I kept pointing it out to my friends that isn't this just the way things should be? Isn't it spontaneous for everyone to try and make an impact? Why aren't you doing anything similar? Why aren't you doing your part?
ALIEN NATION
Things like these only emphasized how radically different I was to most of my friends (wider the rift). To my knowledge, none of my friends are as active as I am to such causes. Some are even indifferent. No one is as manic as I am when it comes to understanding one's life. No one was even entertaining the idea of making something out of one's own experiences. To each his own, they will tell me. We have different interests, they will tell me. Oh okay, I will reply. And so this leaves me with no one to share this overflowing force within me. I kinda kept it to myself because I don't want them to think me any weirder than I was. I felt like an alcoholic partyphile with his priorities upside down. A blasphemous social rabble-rouser. A hedonist freakazoid granted with impunity.
And there were times when this feeling of detachment reached unbearable levels (hence the title of my blog) that it was all that I could do to keep myself sane and functional and breathing. From my own set of values, it was all so very clear-cut and logical, but why do I feel that I am still wrong? Why was it that even after being enlightened, I returned to my initial state of being alienated? Why am I not getting the expected fruits of my ruminations? I'm convinced I got it right but it wasn't getting me anywhere but down. My life became a paradox.
To cope with this, sometimes I seriously considered that I was mentally unstable. Why not? I am suicidal. I cannot turn my mind off. Sometimes I cannot sleep no matter how exhausted I am just because my brain is on a high (like at this moment). I talk to myself in public. I'm too emo. I feel too much. I have grandiose ideas of myself. I'm a paranoid. I run away from problems. I don't know how to deal with some of them. And best of all, it runs in the blood.
This gave me the excuse and the release I needed. I behave like this because I'm insane, I told myself. I don't need to force myself to adjust to others. It was a delicate comfort to me, believing I was crazy, although it was debilitating and lowering. Still, I thought it was better than shamelessly squeezing my ass in a couch with no room for the likes of me.
AN UNEXPECTED ANSWER
And so time passed with me debasing myself as a threat to the people around me. I began to be seriously fearful for my own sanity and in my lowest periods I was actually wishing I could just call Dr. Del Mundo and tell her that sorry I couldn't go to work because I was raving mad after all and it was a wonder I held it in this long, really. Despite these episodes, days passed and I somehow found myself still intact. Since I had no one to talk to about my lunacy (even if I did, no one can give me a lasting comfort) I asked help from dear old reliable Google and read up on depression one fateful afternoon. I typed in my symptoms. I read on a lot of psychological self-help articles, expecting myself to be told to submit myself to the nearest mental institution. And then I stumbled upon this one article which seemed to describe me in unnerving detail. The frustration and the passion. Reason and emancipation. Creation and depression. It was a description of a gifted individual.
And I suppose you can imagine how I held on to that after contemplating the possibility of psychosis. Oh how I held on to that possibility, considered it my beacon of hope since it will explain so much about the things I have done and the things that were happening! Yes, the life of a gifted individual is far from being awesome. Like a sword, it can hurt the bearer too. But it gives me an overwhelming comfort that I was somehow right in the things I did. That step by step, I was following the path of a gifted individual all along. That after all this time of isolating my innermost psyche from most of the people around me, I was still understood.
Now I don't want you to think that I am bragging. It's actually a silly notion and it's best to disabuse you of that. To brag about being gifted is like bragging about having an acne-scarred face. It's like bragging about having an illness. It is a misleading name. Remember that I've been previously thinking of myself as a psychotic individual, most likely doomed to a difficult life. I just want you to be aware of how fortunate it was for me to be able to discover a better explanation other than dementia. From a liability, I discovered that I can be an asset to humanity. I wrote this not to exult, but to express my relief and awe on how it all fits. I just love that there are people out there who have suffered the very same things I've gone through. I love how we look at things from a similar point of view. It was all so refreshing, this sense of belongingness. It makes me feel connected to the world again. It helps me know that I do have a place in it.
Suddenly, all the blog entries I've made, all my shameless revelation of secrets became signs of a capacity to do wonderful works instead of the death throes of a wounded ego.
THE LAST PIECE OF THE PUZZLE
All things said, it isn't really important whether you believe whether I'm really gifted or not. That's not going to change my personality anyway. That's not going to make my life any easier and my objective was not to convince you anyway. But I realize that what matters more is how one chooses to view oneself. Maybe I fall into this category. Maybe not. All I know is that I've never felt more understood and I've never understood myself more. And if recognizing and accepting to myself that I just may be gifted will allow me to keep on living and lead a more fruitful life then why stop me? The whole world will benefit from it anyway.
Still, I know that my depression will return. My frustration with the world, dark moments of existential angst, hopelessness for humanity, my never-ending struggle to make a change - all these things will recur to cause me strife in the future. It will never really go away. But at least this time around, I know that they're but part of the package I have to deal with. I know now that they're to be expected. And now I can focus more on getting more out of my life and transforming my dreams into reality.
Come to think of it, haven't I been doing that all along?
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