For me, you were an unexpected visitor who turned out to be an unexpected friend. I found in you someone I thought worthy of something better. And I thought myself your Messiah. The more I got to know you, the more I thought I was right that there was something more to you. I let myself get lost in fantasies of making you feel better. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, I got myself carried away.
We made a deal to not make things any more serious than they need to be. But it was an open-ended deal. And when things started falling apart, you conveniently forgot about me. Just when I was about to close the gap, you vanished. Without a word. And why should you deign to explain? You've done your job. I was but another one of your victims. I've been had. I've been used. I've been disposed of.
You guided me to this position. You led me into falling for you. You were the one who started calling me names. You and your sweet nothings, which meant nothing at all to you. And when it turned out that your mini-project that was me was a success, you dropped it and went to pursue another one.
We made a deal, that's true. But that does not give you the right to play with my feelings. With all that I've done for you, this was the least that I deserved. I wasn't expecting you to like me back, but I also wasn't expecting you to leave. Just like that. You made a show of not being a user. I did not think you were. I've always tried to find the best in everyone. But in the end, you turned out to be exactly that - a user. I thought there was more to you. But there was none. You were no one but a user, floating from one lucrative relationship to the next. Using one up and moving on to the next.
I wonder, have you had a relationship where you gained nothing more than love? I wonder, have you liked anyone at all for who they are and not for what they are and what they have? Have you ever really loved, or did you simply like to be the center of attention? When you were asking me what I was feeling, was it really concern for me or were you simply feeding your ego?
But I'm not angry with you. I don't have that right. And I don't really believe I knew you enough for me to be able to paint an accurate picture of your character. All these, they may all turn out to be just plain bullshit. I admit that.
That night will remain vivid in my mind. No matter how ugly it turned out to be in the end. It was a night when I remembered who I used to be. It was a night which reminded me that my heart was still capable of feeling something intense.
I was right when I told you that whatever happens, I'll be alright. And I am. It took me a while but I am.
I know you don't give a damn but I want to thank you anyway. Thank you for leaving before you can hurt me more. For killing my trust. For distrusting my instincts. For making me fall farther back into finding my way into love again. But most of all, for making me wiser.
When it comes to love, I have had a reputation of always being the loser. Of always the one giving his all yet always getting hurt. But I want to change that. I may have fallen flat on my face several times already. But I always get back up. And instead of the one who keeps failing in love, I want to be remembered to be the one who always gets back up on his feet again.
No regrets, my dearest Dorian Gray. If this was a game, you may have won. But you winning means nothing. Because I did not play the game.
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