Every now and then I still come across women who kindle something more than friendship in my heart. I realize this when thoughts of them come unbidden to me at night, with me struggling to get a hold of my senses and not do anything about what I was feeling. It's not a sexual thing, mind you. It's more of an outburst of affection. And as the world knows that I'm a big fan of free expression, you can just imagine how it feels to have these... urges and not be able to do anything about them.
You see, courtship is more or less a natural thing for me. I have wooed women's hearts before (truth be told, I was actually more successful in that) so I know exactly how it feels. Since I was hindered from showing what I was feeling, I poured out these tendencies by getting myself lost in fantasies of surprising this girl with flowers or just doing something unexpectedly sweet for her. I imagine her just resting her head on my shoulder with me holding her hand. I imagine myself being her stronghold - when things around her fall apart, I'll stay and she can put her woes down on me. There were even times when I almost did do something about it, but luckily, I was able to desist that urge, changing my mind at the last minute.
To be truthful, I am not really worried that I would be caught. I mean, at this stage in my all-out war against homophobia, who would even dare to claim that I'm developing feelings for a girl? I actually use my gayness as something to hide in because sometimes I slip and I do something extra special for these women which I never do to my other female friends.
It is a shame, really, because these women are worthy of a man's adulation. I suppose my being gay allows them to put down their guard when I'm around, unexpectedly showing me their true personalities. Maybe they forget that I am still partly a man.
It just hit me earlier that if I were straight, I'm quite certain I won't be single right now. Not because I can't live without a relationship, but because of the sheer number of amazing women who surround me in my life at the moment.
Despite my exaggerated gayness in the virtual world (yes, I do exaggerate), there is still a small part of me which regrets that I was born this way. I just think that things could have been more smooth sailing in my life. Maybe I'd be more self-disciplined. Maybe I'd be more normal. Maybe I'd even be married by now.
I have long accepted the fact that I really am more inclined to having a relationship with a man. It's just more convenient for me. Finding the right guy may be more difficult but a boyfriend makes me feel more... complete. Still, there are times when I wish that I was straight. Because who knows, I might just be able to give these girls the happiness that they deserve.
I simply adore what you have written. :)
ReplyDeleteHope your doing well.
Take care.