Scientist

Reality check - I'm already three years into my straight-PhD career in chemistry, but I'm still feeling rather lost about my life. Where am I really going? Am I really fully decided on fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a scientist?

I remember way back in elementary school when people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up. "To be a scientist" was always my ready answer since I was a very curious child, always wanting to know the why and the how about stuff. I thought it would be fun being a scientist, inventing stuff and mixing chemicals. Discovering new things and winning Nobel prizes. But now that I am really on that path (too late) I realized something - it is not that easy. Not at all.

There are two major things wannabe scientists have to go through - the course work and the research. The former, I can handle well enough. It is a passive thing. You go to class, you listen, you study, and you pass the exams. That's it. But conducting your own research is... umm... quite beyond me, at present. I'm the laziest person in the world, even eating is a chore for me.

In doing research, you have to set a rigid schedule, do experiments on time, buy your own reagents, arrange stuff... Just the thought of meeting deadlines, having no time for yourself strangles me. What if, in the middle of the experiment, I felt like resting a bit? What if suddenly, I felt like I'm not enjoying what I'm doing anymore? What will my adviser say?

Rhay knows I only went through my undergraduate thesis because of her rigid time frame. Left to myself, I would probably leave everything undone til March, postponing every activity, procrastinating everything I might not have graduated on time.

With exams, you can cram. And you can think on the spot while taking it. But experiments cannot be crammed - procedures take time, instruments have to be conditioned, etc. etc! I'm just not organized enough for it.

Recently, I've been attending seminars by scientists who have gone abroad where they studied and did their research, and one of them said that if, at this age, we haven't started our own researches yet then we're going nowhere.

So that means I am going nowhere?

Frustration. The drive is there within me. I know it. I still have that childhood thirst to study about something and do actual experiments and learn something new. But I do not have the initiative. I need somebody to force me to do it, like what Rhay did on our theses. But isn't that what the Institute is already doing to us graduate students?

I've taken it easy since I graduated from college. I needed to take a step back from busyness and enjoy my life a little. But now that I've been to the other side of life, I feel like I don't want to go back to the rigid world of science anymore.

But time is running out. I have to go back. Maybe three years of resting is enough.

I want to be a scientist. I want to be called a doctor. I can do what needs to be done.

When I Die

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't want my loved ones to look down on my dead body. I don't like the idea that they'll remember me lying there, lifeless. I want them to see me in their minds while I was alive. I want to be remembered that way. I don't want to be seen wearing formal clothing barefoot. Not my style. Also, whatever healthy organs I still have when I die, I will gladly donate. Or perhaps they can be sold. I don't care.

On my wake, I don't want people to think too much about whether I'll be in heaven or not. That topic is taboo. I don't need them to pray for me, though I can hardly stop them I suppose. I'm not sure worrying will do much good and it will only give them headaches. I won't be bothered about the traditional "40 days". Remembering me is enough. There is no need to pray for the peace of my soul. I am responsible for my actions while I was still alive.

I suppose I can't get around the priest's ceremony or the occasional group prayers. I don't know what my parents and friends will do. That ceremony will be for the older ones, my relatives. They need that. Anyway, no matter what my or my friends' beliefs are, that will serve as a time for reflection. On me, of course.

I want complete silence on my wake. Whispers are allowed. Sobs are allowed. Laughter is allowed only if it was caused by memories of me. If you want to play card games or want to talk about something else, I suggest you do it outside where I cannot hear, though I know I won't be able to scold those who are noisy. You may talk about how I died.

I trust my parents will choose a suitable picture, to be placed next to my ashes. Maybe they'd use my grad pic. Though I'd prefer it if all my album covers were there instead, except perhaps for the "Lovely" cover since that would scandalize my conservative relatives. I want a lot of pictures displayed, showing the different phases of my life. I require pictures taken when I was a toddler, when I was in elementary, in high school, in college, after college. I require pictures with my family, with my relatives, with my friends, with my students, with my pet cat Baby. I want a picture of me and my real Baby there, and I'd trust my Baby to defend his right if my parents will object. I want pictures of me caught in a happy moment, in an emotional moment. Pictures with meaningful special effects.

I want people to see my pictures and think on them. To catch glimpses of how I lived my life. I want them to think on how reserved I was in the beginning and how I slowly opened up to the world. I want them to learn from my mistakes, and follow the things I did right.

I want a video presentation to be shown just before my funeral. The soundtrack will be songs from my albums. The video presentation should include excerpts from my blogs, pictures of objects which are dear to me, including letters, gifts from my students, personal possessions. If possible, I want my written works printed (including those not published in the internet) and published as a book to be given to those who want copies. Copies of my albums, most probably my greatest hits, should also be made available to those who want copies.

I don't want to think about funds. I don't have enough money to pay for every expense. I guess I'd escape that responsibility. I sure am sorry for dying on you penniless. But I know I am worth every dime you contribute to my funeral expenses. I'd try to repay you in some way. I am a grateful person. Maybe you can sell my written works or my albums.

I want all my past students to be there. It is my last requirement. I want them to reminisce on our class. I want them to talk to my other students and remember as many memories as they can. I want them to talk to me, no matter how silly that may seem. It will mean very much to me. I want them to cry, if possible. Because wherever I may be at that time, I'm surely crying for them, too.

I want my pet cat to be there, too. I want my friends to talk to him and explain that I am gone and will never be able to hug him or pet him again. I want him to understand, too. That cat loves me.

I want my friends to comfort my parents. I think my parents will really be devastated with me gone. I need my friends to be strong for me. I am a coward, you know. With me dying early, I am able to escape a lot of responsibilities, including the deaths of my loved ones. I don't want to die this early. But somehow, it's rather okay because I tried to live the fullest life I can. I was ready. I've always been aware than I'd die sooner or later. If I wasn't, this entry will not exist.

I'd miss being alive. Just thinking of me dying makes me cry. What a silly idea, writing this entry. But I should be prepared. With this entry, I ensured that I will be remembered the way I want to be remembered. That my last wishes will be followed.

My baby will be the one to explain these wishes to my parents. If my baby cannot, it will be Rhay. If Rhay cannot, it will be Esme.

I don't want the priest to dictate how my funeral will be carried out. My wishes should be given utmost importance. I want speeches to be made during my final ceremony. Someone should arrange what the order should be. My only requirement is, aside from their speeches being meaningful, they should be honest. I don't want them to gloss over the things I've done wrong, or try to inflate the small things I've done. After their speeches, the audience should get to see me in another light, and will therefore get to know me more.

I want this part read aloud on that same ceremony:

To my students, I've reminded you that anytime we can die. Remember the fun we've had inside and outside the classroom. I've learned a lot from you. Remember me, and spread the word. Live your life to the fullest while you can. This is my last lesson.

To my friends, God I'd miss all of you so much. I am lucky to have been surrounded by such good friends as you. This is rather hard on me, you know, dying, and I want you to be strong, okay? You can cry. Come on, cry. (Pause until sobs are heard) This is my last attempt to make you laugh.

To my family, please accept it that I am gone. Mommy, remember what you told me? Things like this should be accepted and not questioned. Kung may lungkot, may ligaya.

To my baby, hey...

Dawn at Red Island

It has always been my bad habit to focus on the things which are wrong in my life. Ever since, I've always talked about my failures and deficiencies, lost relationships, things I cannot have... I was blinded by these faults in my personality and in my surroundings. Time and again, I've continually picked at the holes in my life's tapestry, letting myself be carried away by my own self-pity and my overly-analytical mind coupled with my overly-emotional heart.

That phase in my life, I believe, has come to an end.

From now on, I will focus on the things which I have, which after some reflection, are not bad at all.

First, I have a good job. I am an instructor at the premiere university in the country, of a subject that the university excels in. Chancellor Cao was right, I am a part of the best of the best. Few can become UP students but fewer are qualified to be UP instructors. I am proud of my job.

Second, I am working in an intellectual community. I am taking my MS degree and that keeps my brain sharp. I enjoy what I'm learning. I like it how biochemistry can make impossibilities (like me having superpowers) closer to reality. And grade-wise, I think I still am closer to the top than to the bottom.

Third, I am rather famous. With every sem that passes, more UP students get to hear of my name. Being famous has always been one of my life's dearest ambitions and I never thought teaching will give me that!

Fourth, I love my students and I suppose most of them love me back. I love teaching them about chemistry, life, and love. I get to know really good friends and the love I get in return is priceless. I virtually have a real army of friends (hundreds of them) behind me!

Fifth, I am living comfortably. I'm staying in a new and nice dormitory. I can afford to splurge a little on things that I like. True, I still cannot buy everything that I want but at this point, I am getting enough and I am contented with the possessions that I have.

Sixth, I am remembered. My relatives notice when I'm not present family gatherings. My relatives ask how I am doing. My students and friends remember me by texting me quotes, posting comments, sending messages, inviting me to events occasionally. My company is wanted. And my monthly friendster viewings (so far) have not fallen below the hundred level.

Seventh, I am living the life that I want. I am free to do what I want to do. I am free to express myself and to be who I really am. I do not feel threatened to stop being me and people like me just the way I am.

And lastly,
the reason why I'm feeling so good right now
that no matter what kind of problems you throw at me, I know that somehow I'm going to be okay because I have the greatest treasure life has to offer


I've got true love
I have my baby


And that is a reason to celebrate

:)

I Wanna Suck You

I wanna kiss you and suck you til you're dry. I wanna suck you til you're devoid of life. I wanna suck you til you beg me to stop, though I know you don't have the means to resist. Once I ignite you, you're putty in my hands.

I wanna suck you anytime, anywhere. I don't think many can have sucking here in school, but we know secret places they don't. So I suck you almost everyday, whenever I have the time. Before classes, before taking exams. We sneak to our secret place and you let me suck you til you're hot and I'm satisfied. Other teachers may see me, and know that I'm getting myself some (for the nth time), but I don't care. They're too good and normal. They don't suck as often as I do. Most haven't done any sucking at all.

So I suck. I suck you until my throat is dry. I suck you and let you into my deepest crevices, and I get high. Oh, how I get high.

Those around me tell me it's bad, sucking you. Some tell me to do it less often. But I don't listen to them. They're just jealous and they don't understand. This is between you and me. I want it, and you're willing to let me have you so I suck you. And I get you hot then you let me put my lips on you. Simple as that.

Now enough of this entry. I wanna get myself some throat-deep sucking.

***

Wow what an entry. Somebody should help me quit smoking.

This Blog

Ah. It's been ages since I've been here in this blog. The longest time I've gone without rattling the keyboard. So much for that "regularly annoying" blogger...

There was a reason, reader, why I was away. For one, I have been very busy with work and my acads. For another, I got sick. You've missed a lot of happenings in my life, reader. The anniversary, my aunt's death, things at home, my escapades, and discoveries about myself. And I missed recording the significant ones here. It is my loss.

There was a time, reader, some days ago, when I thought that blogging was just a phase in my life and that I'm over it now. For the first time, I felt that I needed no audience. I needed no outlet. That I was complete and that writing, from then on, would be a chore.

I was afraid of that feeling. I was afraid of that big change in me. For two years, aside from my albums, this blog was the most constant thing in my life. This blog was my free domain, where I can say almost anything that I want. This blog contained almost everything that happened. I lived in this blog. I've made a world out of my entries and now, I'm having thoughts of quitting?

Then, I realize, reader, what my utmost reason in writing is. I learned that it wasn't really for the comments or for the attention. It was not really for self-actualization or for self-expression. I discovered that I write simply for myself. For the small pleasure I get seeing my words on the screen.

I change, reader. And there may come a day when no more entries will come out of this blog. But even so, what I've written here will remain as a testament of the life I once lived. I am proud of that life. I may have made a fool out of myself a number of times. I may have hurt some people, but I don't regret the things I've revealed in here. That was who I was.

Ah. I'm rambling and being emo. Bye for now.

I missed being in here.

Music Update: Electrique Cools It Down with "The Ice"

Oh well, here I go again planning my next album...

SOMEWHERE IN HYPERSPACE....

Q: There's this amazing gossip that your next album, against all custom, will be a hyped up dance album! Is there any truth in that rumor?

A: That is very true, Q.

Q: Oh wow! What brought in this sudden change?

A: Well, I've always wanted to make something new everytime I release an album. I had the initial idea last sem, while I was making "Reason". That album was, you know, very serious and toned down and I thought: What if I make a completely opposite album next sem?

Q: Oh wow. This sounds exciting!

A: Very. I am enjoying making this album. So much fun!

Q: Since this will be an upbeat album, will there be room for you to share your experiences like with all your previous albums?

A: Not in an explicit manner like with my previous works where the lyrics are meaningful. The objective of this album is for my listeners to have fun - that's all. As I've mentioned in an announcement in Aldasiel's Army, there is a time to be sad and a time to be happy. At this point in my life, especially with the closure which was "Reason", there is absolutely no more reason for me to be emotional. I've vented out my angst, my tears, my wounds. It's time for me to celebrate.

Q: In that case, how will this album be different from "Forca", since it was also a "celebration of life"?

A: "Forca" was a greatest hits album, and hence, I had limited room to really make a unifying theme for it. That album did contain some happy songs but they were not dance tracks. "The Ice" will be made exclusively of dance tracks.

Q: Why the title?

A: When this album is done, it will undoubtedly be my coolest album. Also, it came from the title of the supposedly lead single of this album. I don't want to spoil the surprise so I have to leave it at that.

Q: Do you fear that "The Ice" might be viewed by some as a step back in your music?

A: If they want to view it on surface level. In some ways, this album may even be more mature than "Reason". And besides, just because I classify it as an all-dance album doesn't mean it has to be cheap. I have three rules in selecting songs for "The Ice". The songs have to be cool to the ears, high-powered, and relatively fresh.

Q: I am so excited with this new turn of events in Electrique. Which artists have you enlisted to work with you for this record?

A: I have Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani, and the Spice Girls currently on my list.

Q: An all-girl cast?

A: As of now... I couldn't help it. These artists are the leaders when it comes to popular dance music. Given time, I will of course shift my attention to other artists. As long as the sound fits, I will include it.

Q: Any messages to your listeners who, I am sure, are avidly waiting for this album?

A: Brace yourselves for this one. There is nothing like the excitement one gets whjen listening to a new good upbeat song. I'm sure most of my listeners aren't strangers to this new music high. I assure you, this will be the best dance collection you've ever heard in your life.

Q: Strong words. Whether they be true or not, I can't wait for it to be completed this March!

A: I share your excitement, Q.

***

NOTE: Electrique will conduct soft launches of this album in selected private events across the metro, especially this Christmas season. Watch out.

Remember the Spice Girls

I remember the Spice Girls. I remember the high school days. I remember pop music and how it still defines my musical taste to this day.

I remember the fun and friendship. Those days when I still consider myself young and innocent. From Wannabe to Let Love Lead the Way, I've followed the Spice Girls music. I know all their songs and have all their albums, and I am far from being their number one fan.

I remember elementary school where my classmates were singing "2 Become 1" from a songhits. I remember how I'll always play "Mama" during Mother's Day. I remember how Bubble Gang made a spoof of "Who Do You Think You Are". I remember myself waiting for the radio to play "Spice Up Your Life" so I will be able to record it with my cassette player. I remember how we used to dance to "Stop" and how we listened to "Viva Forever", feeling glum because Geri has left.

Now the Spice Girls are together again. But the younger generation will not be able to appreciate them as much as we did. Because they don't have the memories we have.

The Spice Girls is but one reminder of how much everyone has changed. They say I've changed more than most. I keep saying I've changed for the better yet it hurts to remember who I used to be.

I'm older and still getting older, and people are changing. At least I should be thankful I've had moments I can look back to.

Cheers to the Spice Girls. For reminding us of those days.

Maybe they'll have a spot in my upcoming album.