Heathen's Heaven

In this godless path I chose, I struggle to find meaning.

I search within. In my ability to learn to love and be content with whatever I have. In my ability to learn from others and absorb their skills. In my inner clarity. In my innate cruelty and insensitivity. In my laziness and escapism.

I search my soul of music. In my albums. In the simple melodies. In my ever changing taste. In expression. In forcibly crossing the borders of your world with my relentless spirit.

I search in the people who have occupied spaces in my heart. In my mother. In my lost brother, long buried in the deepest crevices of memory. In my estrangement with my father. In Esme's bracelet. Joy's laughter. Rhay's ring. Lui's silence. Ian's dreams. In my husband, Darwin's love. All my friends. How easily I can let go. At least on the surface.

I search in the upturned faces of my students. In how I open up their minds but destroying their innocence in return. In passing the flame. In pulling them close so tightly to my heart I crush them and move on. In sembreaks and the never ending cycle of letting go. In the eventual certainty of forgetting their names with the influx of new faces.

I search in nature. In the beauty of the sky, the night, and the mountains. In the force of the wind. In my cigarette smoke as it swirls up in patterns. In the peaceful face of Jupiter as he lies sleeping on my lap.

I look at my life from the outside. And I see myself going through the motions. Finding real happiness and real pain. Taking notes and learning, highlighting. Leaving fingerprints on everyone I get to interact with. Because I know I'm never going to heaven. And this is the only heaven I'll get to know.

Earth is my heaven. My life is my heaven. Music is my heaven. My teaching is my heaven. In his arms, lies the only heaven I will know.

After this life, there is nothing left for me. I rely on my strength and my courage in accepting the nonexistence of an after life.

When you understand too much...

When you think and feel too much...

When you question and resist too much...

When you demand for proof...

That is when you should stop.

Because at the end, you will only see the futility of living.

Stand up and open your arms. Close your eyes and ask, "What is the meaning of my life?" as the camera swiftly zooms away from you to the planet to the whole universe, where your voice will not even echo.

Notebook to Notebook

Once upon a time, there was a man who fell in love with a boy. It was the first time such a thing ever happened to the man, and in his confusion, he bungled up what friendship he and the boy had. The boy, perhaps not knowing what he did, hated the man and began to avoid him and then finally learned to forget. The man grieved for the loss of his first boy-love and after three years of reaching out, the boy finally agreed to talk to the man. It was a happy ending of a sort.

Months after the renewed "friendship", the man fell in love again with another boy. This time, it was deeper. This time, it was more intense. It was the most intense feeling the man had ever felt and he ruined his life just to be able to get closer to that boy. But everything went wrong - so wrong towards the end and nobody in this world knows the complete ugly details of how the boy wronged the man. That was how bad it was. A man was broken and a boy walks free from justice.

***

From the first tale to the last, this blog was the sole record of the important happenings in my life. It was only four years ago when I first wrote my entry but now, the weight of those additional years is upon me. I feel more experienced. I feel more mature. I feel old. Old enough to stop my manic writing.

Because I've finally reached my goal of self-realization. I know myself better.

Now, I prefer to just read and look back on who I was then.

I admit that it is scary - this growing old. It makes you wonder what other problems would come. But no matter, I know I'm ready.

I took notes while I could.

Something Hardens

I've been teaching chemistry for the fourth year now and through those semesters I have developed a teaching style which I've proven to be fun and effective - based on my students' replies. If you've been my student, as the majority of my Multiply and Friendster contacts are, then you will understand what I'm talking about. But this past semester was different.

I have always taken a private pride in my SET scores, and though I might not get the highest score in the whole Institute, I am pleased whenever I get at least an average rating. Students may not realize this but some teachers really take those SET's very seriously. I am one of them. I like my job that's why, and every semester I try to do something new in order to improve my teaching skills based on the SET feedback.

This semester was the beginning of a big change in Chem 16 as it heralded the use of bigger classes. Instead of the usual 40 or so students, lecture classes have been expanded into accomodating up to 80 students separated into four lab sections. It was an experiment for the whole Institute, since from my knowledge, this hasn't happened in Chem classes before (except perhaps for CWTS). I was under a lot of pressure especially since I was assigned as the Chem 16 lecture coordinator (which reminds that I have yet to make the removal exam tsk tsk).

Anyway, I was lucky to have really great lab instructors "under" me. With the three of them (I was handling one of the lab sections), we made Chem 16 into Potions 16 and divided the class into the four Hogwarts houses. I had a lot of fun, as I usually do in Chem 16, and it's mostly because of my very cooperative colleagues. Our semender party was a blast! From the thank you's and love I was getting from my Potions 16 students, I thought I did a great job, until I saw my SET that is.

SET's weren't supposed to be given this early yet but we were allowed to have temporary copies of them during an evaluation meeting. I do not mean to brag but I am pleased to have a high score, considering that I'm taking the average of about 80 students here. I read the comments and was glad at the usual heartwarming ones. There were bad comments in which I had no control like making the class smaller, going on trips, etc, And to my very ill surprise, I read this one comment about how the course can be improved saying: "It's stupid! Teach in a way all students can relate to." Or something nearly like that.

This comment wasn't detailed but I suppose this had something to do with the Harry Potter theme or my relaxed teaching style or my openness about myself. I think it's the former though. I also believe that this same student was the only one who marked me as "one of the worst" UP teachers he/she has ever had. And that was only about the second or third time I was marked as that.

It really breaks my heart to hear such things from my students. It really does, considering that I do my best to make them understand not only the lessons but why I'm digressing and other stuff.

I was having this conversation through text with one my students just this past semester and she shared her views about this saying that I care too much about what other people say, that if I believe that I'm doing the right thing why should it bother me, and that the students are entitled to their opinions.

What surprised me here is not the comment itself actually but that there are really some "unkind" students out there. Ever since, I've given my best whenever my students need extra help - I can go out of my way just to make them learn as long as they have the initiative to ask - and yet some students can really go on and hurt your feelings despite everything you've done for them. Some still do not understand no matter how you try to explain and make things clear. And I did explain! My Potions 16 students cannot gainsay me in that.

It bothered me a lot, so much so that I pondered on changing my style this coming semester. I thought of how I'd teach my subject without making it fun or without making friends with my students. I thought of giving my next students all work and no time for reflections on life and love. I will give them no albums. I will arrange them no semender party. I will make them forget me. Maybe if I did that, nobody will call me stupid anymore?

I want to break the norm, I told the student I was chatting with. I want to teach more than chemistry and I want to be an example.

And then she told me hours later, as an "aftertext", that if I were to break the norm about students and teachers then I should be strong. How can I do that if with one harsh criticism I break down to pieces?

That was when it hit me - she was absolutely right. She got it. I know I cannot please everybody with my personality. I suppose some really do hate me for whatever reasons they may have. But as long as I believe I am doing nothing wrong and the majority of my class agrees with me and benefits from my way of teaching, I should push through with what I am doing.

I realized it just now. I thought teaching would be a breeze. I thought that, with my style, I will encounter no barriers. Well, I am smarter now. I realize that I cannot win everybody's hearts. I realize that I should be thankful that at least most of my students understand me and think kindly of me. I should be thankful that I have so many friends out of my former students that it is actually very difficult now to keep in touch with ALL of them. I realize now that I should use such criticisms to make myself stronger and be a better teacher and ultimately, a better person.

I won't let that one student put me down.

I won't let that student stop me from spreading openness and awareness and clarity.

I am sorry I wasn't able to make that student comprehend my message, but that shouldn't stop me from fostering those who did.

I am a teacher.

I am a mentor.

I have a mission.

And I believe.

(BOW)

***

"Happy Teachers Day" my mom texted me earlier. How heartwarming.

A shoutout to all my past students there! I miss you all!

We may not be foremost in each other's thoughts anymore but I still remember.

I remember.

We had our days and they will always be in my heart no matter if some consider it stupid.

Precipice

And so I've proven it haven't I? That you really didn't love me as much as you thought you did.

Of course I'm going to write nonsense stuff in here. Do you think I'll admit it to the whole wide fucking world that I'm barely surviving without you?

I hope you're doing this for a damn good reason. I hope you're not playing with my feelings. I hope you're not blindly following what other people told you. If you think we're over, tell it to me. Tell me I'd never reply to you again. Tell me you'd never want to see me again. You and your talk of openness. Who's the one being left in the dark now?

At least I was honest to you. I was clear in my intentions. I told you I needed to go away because I wanted to know how I really feel for you. It didn't take me long really to find that out but I kept my control because I wanted to be sure. I didn't want this to happen again. I told you, this is for the best of our relationship.

And when I realized that there was no point in prolonging this issue - when I realized that maybe you're hurting like me - that's when I tried to communicate with you but then you never replied.

I'll give you a day. If you changed your number, I think I deserve to know the new one. You should have told me, as a matter of courtesy.

I'll give you a day. If you don't reply then perhaps this is it.

Don't dismiss me for the sake of dismissing me. Don't hurt me just because you want to get even. Don't make me run to you just for the sake of making me run - is that your idea of love? If it comes true from your heart then I'll accept it.

Just tell me when it's over. Give me the clarity that I gave you. Just that, so I'll know the next thing I'll do.

Because I don't want to be here in this state anymore, and that's why I texted you in the first place.

Falling Down

If fears what makes us decide,
Our future journey,
I'm not along for the ride,
Cuz I'm still learning,
To try and touch the sun,
My fingers burning,
Before you're old you are young,
Yeah I'm still learning

I am falling down,
Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fall right on my face,
It's an uphill human race,
and I am falling down

I'm standing out in the street,
The earth is moving,
I feel it under my feet,
And I'm still proving,
That I can stand my ground,
And my feet are there, haven't washed my hair
To be lost before you are found,
Don't mean you are losing

Some day I'll live in a house
Etc., etc., etc.
But you know that's not for now
and for now I'm falling
down...down...down...
down...down...down...
down...down...down...
Yeah e Yeah..Yeah e Yeah,

I'm falling down,
I'm falling down... I'm falling down...
I'm falling...
Feels so good to hit the ground...
I am falling

Wearing Your Underwear (The Fun Never Stops)

WARNING: May contain adult content.

The next thing I knew I was in your house. I hardly even know your name yet and I kept on trying to recall where I saw your first (on hindsight, it was on Friendster). Everything happened so fast. From the flirting back in the jeepney, our common friends egging us on to you sitting beside me, and all of a sudden my arms were around you and yours were on mine and then we're in your room. It would've been perfect if it wasn't still daylight!

So we were there among your clutter on the floor or on the bed (I can hardly remember) and we were groping each other although I wasn't too keen on it in the beginning. One thing I clearly remember though is that even if I wasn't responsive enough, you still kept on going. I was about to tell you that I'm always like that on the first "night" so you won't be offended until your younger sister peeped in at the window!

We quickly disentangled ourselves from each other and it was a good thing (your sister's timing) that she caught us early - there was no need for more embarrassing... visions. I was shocked and I arranged my clothes quickly and watched you attend to your sister who was beginning to be rather noisy and annoying. Surprisingly, your sister didn't seem surprised at her discovery. It seemed to be normal for her catching his brother in the act and in fact, I was dumbfounded to hear your sister talking to your younger brother who came right after about you giving me a blow.

"Well," she told him, "You know what he likes - lean and fair. He's gonna give him a blow."

What a house your parents were keeping!

After a while of settling them down, you came with me inside the bathroom for some privacy to continue what we were about to do and I was already rather excited about it but then (the fun never stops) your parents came in! So you rushed out to meet them and I can hardly think of an excuse you can make up to explain why a stranger is inside their bathroom. From the narrow door opening (you didn't even close it though I was already wearing little) I saw that your parents were displeased but I was happy that at least, they didn't rush in to throw me out of the house.

It was a long time you made me wait in the bathroom and I was beginning to get cold so I decided to take a shower and that was when I discovered that I was wearing your underwear (how that happened, I can't imagine). Before I could turn on the warm water you came in and approached me and then I felt a vibration near my head which made me open my eyes

to find myself on my dorm bed on my own, bright sunlight streaming in through the window. The vibration was from my fone and I saw that (fuck!) somebody was calling me and (fuck!) it was our Director and (fuck!) we were supposed to have a meeting at 10am and (FUCK!) it was already 10:10!

Danger of a Loaded Gun

Night. Walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket. Mentally and emotionally drained and hadn't eaten yet except for some smokes since the day started. I wished I had my jacket on. It was cold.

A long way to go. Had no choice but to walk with one peso in my pocket. I was waiting for my body to pass out. Surely, it would be minutes from now, I thought. Surely. Surely... only if I wasn't strong enough to handle all these.

Had an exam three hours ago. Studied only for a few minutes. Wasn't in the mood to do some studying. Didn't care about it. Everything in my life seemed in tatters. Didn't care if I failed. I never really cared about grades anyway. Such a small thing compared to what really matters.

It was 1pm when I got out of bed today. I didn't go to my first MS class. I didn't go to my lunch date with my summer friends. I didn't go to the library to study (I didn't even know what the coverage of the exam was). I just didn't want to leave my bed. I just wanted to dream, even if the sunlight was making my eyes squint already.

The first thing I checked upon finally deciding to rouse myself was my fone. The usual four or five messages greeted me. But none of them was my baby's. Or Darwin's rather. No right to call him "baby" anymore, I remembered.

So he wanted to play games? I thought. So he wanted to make me run to him huh? A flicker of emotion to do exactly that, quickly ebbed into apathy. This is the end, I thought. If he's going to do this, it's the end. I didn't want to think any more about it.

To school and responsibilities. Being the Chem 16 lecture coordinator was taking its toll on me. The weight of it on my shoulders. Add the burden of my studies this sem: all of them demanding lots of time. Piles of papers on my table. Loads of quizzes to check. And oh, it was my brother's birthday, and I got an instant reminder of the financial burden my inadequate parents are passing on to me.

Last but not the least, let us not forget Baby's recent death. My ever beloved pet cat died of old age, giving me one less reason to go back to my parents'.

With these unwelcome dark clouds on my head, I went out to the fire escape to have a smoke. Can you not blame me for wanting to die early?

To th exam where I purely relied on my wits since I didn't know a fucking thing about it. To my Chemical Kinetics class where my professor gave us yet another problem set. To the ATM to withdraw some money and finally have some food in me, only to find that my salary was again delayed.

And so there I was, walking along the oval with one peso in my pocket.

No pet cat.

No refuge at home.

No break from studying forever.

No unburdening of my responsibilities at work.

No money.

No baby to go to, to hug and to kiss.

But I've got my smokes and I've got my music. I've got my friends and my students.

I've got me.

And I know I'm made of tough stuff and I'll surely get through all of this one day soon.