What Books and Jerks Have in Common

I'm already 23 years old yet there are still a lot of things I haven't learned about life and love. This past summer was one of the most trying periods of my life. As your teacher and as yourfriend, I feel obliged to relate what has happened to me because I believe that you might get something out of what I've gone through. It took me this long to write because I had to let time do its job of cooling me down. Right now, I am sober and I am ready to tell you all.

It all began when I met Beta...

Beta was one of my students this past summer. The first time I saw him in class, I knew that there was something about him. Somehow, I knew that he will shake my stable world out of its foundations. I was hardly able to get to know him very well in the course of only a few meetings but, as if it was long foretold, I fell. Again.

It has always been my weakness - falling for students. As Tickle said, my romantic fantasy is a mentor-protegee type of relationship. I am attracted to younger men because I am attracted to innocence. Perhaps it is because I have the heart of a child. Perhaps I see myself in these people when I was younger. Perhaps I like the feeling of taking the lead and showing them the ropes. I don't really know.

As Darwin once mentioned (when he tried to sit-in in my lecture class during those tumultuous days of our relationship), this is the third time that this happened to me. The first was with Hunter, the first guy I ever "loved." The second was with Alpha, which hardly counts at all since my feelings for him weren't really that deep and I was attracted to him only because he looked so much like Hunter. And now, here came Beta.

How do I describe Beta? Boyish. Childish. Innocent-looking. All these applies to the three of them and with him I was able to clarify to myself what attracts me to a person.

But before I proceed, I'd like to give my stand about student-teacher relationships. It has always been a taboo for teachers to get romantically involved with their students and I agree that this is forbidden while he is your student. You cannot risk his grades because of your feelings. Once the semester is over, however, it is a different matter.

I am not ashamed about this. I can hardly control my feelings and I believe that as long as I am not causing the student any sort of harm, I am not doing anything wrong. I know my limits and rules are rules so I follow them. These restrictions are deeply ingrained in me, that is why I am not worried that I might break them just because I've developed something for a student. And besides, my teaching style allows me to interact with my students in a friendly manner and this allows me to get close to them such that any extra friendliness will not be taken amiss since I am friendly to all of my students.

Enough said about that topic, let us proceed with my story...

Before Beta arrived, I was already plagued by doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. Minor issues about us were piling up within me and Beta only emphasized what my boyfriend lacks. Beta made me think that these are the characters I am attracted to. These are the type of people I would have courted and pursued. And it made me think that my boyfriend is not really who I want.

Back then, Beta was only a crush and my initial goal was to be able to get close to him so I can know him better. I was hoping that, when I get to talk to him, I will realize that these emotions were unfounded and, laughing at how foolish I was, I will be able to move on and proceed with my real relationship.

It took me several tries before I was able to get close to him. The worse thing was that Beta liked to cancel his appointments, leaving me more and more frustrated each night until my boyfriend got wind of the whole issue until he broke up with me in the end. If only it would have ended sooner, I would have been able to fix this on my own without involving my boyfriend. I was reluctant to tell him at first because I knew this would hurt him very much, and as I looked at it then as a personal issue, there was really no need for his attention in this.

With the passing days, I became colder and colder to my boyfriend because the issue wasn't being resolved (Beta kept canceling) until I had to tell him about Beta and so we broke up.

I didn't feel sad when he broke up with me because my eyes were all on Beta at the time. I didn't feel his loss because I was preoccupied with how to get closer to Beta until that fateful Labor Day came when I was finally able to talk to him alone at length.

My hopes of getting over Beta were smashed to pieces that day because instead of me discovering that I didn't like Beta at all, it was the opposite that happened. Never have I liked a person more than I liked Beta. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night after we talked. He really was the person I was looking for all these years. Or so I thought.

With the following days, I was able to be even closer to him and although he might deny it, he was flirting back in his own little ways. I held on to the hope that he might feel the same for me.

It was a difficult time for me, especially after hearing negative thoughts that he might be straight or that he's bisexual but he isn't open to same-sex relationships or that he is too religious or that he is already happy being single. I suffered through it all, so much so that I forgot to eat. So much so that I wasn't able to sleep well for how many days. I held on to that hope and discussing to my class this summer's album (which was about chasing dreams) didn't help to make me see the truth. It would have been a bad example to my students if I were to let go of my dream (which was him.) I just had to hold on. And besides, I had nowhere to go to. I've already given up my boyfriend for him. I had to give Beta my all. I didn't have a choice.

During these difficult times, my students never left me behind. They were my comfort and my strength, especially during the days when I was about to give up. They told me that they were behind me, no matter what the outcome of this would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived this summer.

My ex-boyfriend was still at my back despite the hurt I've caused him. When I needed someone to stay with me through the night, he was there. When I needed someone to lay my confused head on, he was there. A part of me wanted to go back to him already but I knew that this will not be over until I directly confront Beta about what I feel so I held back and decided to push through with it.

Beta agreed to have a lunch "date" with me (after the finals) and it was then that I confessed. I already knew what his answer would be even before I opened up to him but it is not in my character to play safe. I wanted a direct refusal from him and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it at the time. He just didn't want to talk about it, so the issue was left unanswered.

After that, Beta wasn't replying to my text messages anymore and I was very afraid of what I've done because it looked like he will be another Hunter again. It took me three years to get over Hunter, with the little that has happened to us. What more for Beta, when we've gone beyond what mere friends do? How much longer will it take me to recover from this? I needed a closure.

It took me yet several more attempts to make him reply to my text messages. Another meeting was out of the question since he was already back at his hometown by then. With the help of my friends, I was able to make him understand the urgency of my need to talk to him. I wanted to fix things up with my ex-boyfriend and I will never be able to fully come back to him until I hear it from him straight that he doesn't like me the way I do him. That way, I am sure. That way, there will be no what-ifs.

And that was what happened that night. The night after I wrote "I Want To End My Life". I was serious then, while I was writing the entry. People do not understand the impact of what my past experiences have done to my life, and to see it happening again and again to me was more than I could bear. If Beta did not reply that night, my mind would have snapped.

Beta was cold. He knew that it wouldn't be helpful for us if we continue to text each other often. I was able to make him listen to me, to make him understand my situation, until he sent me a reply which left me very angry at him.

That reply (I'm sorry) proved to me that he was a jerk. That he was a user. That he didn't give a damn about how I am feeling right then. That reply proved to me how rotten he was. That he doesn't practice what he preaches. That all he thinks about is himself.

And so that made me realize how foolish I was to fall for a person like that. That he didn't deserve all the things I've done for him.

All the time I was wondering why people don't see him the way I do. That was why. It turns out that he was simply pretending...

Sigh.

All the nights I've wasted. All the tears I've cried. All the love I was willing to give.

FOR A JERK!

Geez.

But don't get me wrong though. I am not angry at him. He is young. Maybe he doesn't mean to make me feel this way. He doesn't understand yet.

I am ashamed of myself for falling so fast but I'll never regret all the things I've done because without them, I wouldn't have been able to learn this lesson to heart:

"NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER"

No matter how well you think you know this person, you really have to make sure you are investing your feelings on someone worthwhile. You have to know your worth because, unfortunately in this world, there are those who will take advantage of you.

Take it from me. I learned it the hard way. But still, I learned.

If he goes away, I know that I've lost nothing. I've shown nothing but good intentions and I don't deserve how he treated me. But him? He lost me. And false humility aside, I know I am a way way better person than he is right now.

***

So what about my ex-boyfriend? How are we right now?

The truth is, I don't know for sure. Neither of us is certain about what will really happen to us now.