Where Dead Flowers Go

The sun was extra bright that morning, I remember. There was a comfortable pre-Christmas breeze and I had a smile on. People were greeting me left and right as I walked briskly towards the Chem building. I was running late but I did not care. It was my birthday.

The security guard on duty that morning had a ready smile for me as well, to my mild surprise. I was about to greet her back when she handed me this package. It was a long and thin white box with "Flowers Express" on the outside. "Happy B-day" the card with it said. I smiled. It came from D.

***

The sun was extra bright that morning, I remember. We were walking along the oval and sunlight was streaming through the gaps of the branches of the trees overhead. The university was already bustling, but it was nothing compared to the emotional turmoil going on between us at the time.

We found a spot under one of the trees and we sat facing the wide expanse of Sunken Garden. There was an uncomfortable silence. It wasn't easy to start a conversation about breaking up. I brought out my Walkman fone and had him listen to Avril Lavigne's "Tomorrow".

"Do you love him?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "How can I love him? I barely know him."

"But..." I added. "I like him. Better than I like you."

After a while, we stood and prepared to leave. I had never seen him so... violent. He kept banging his bag on the lamp posts along the sidewalk and I was actually afraid the policemen walking by will take notice.

We hailed an Ikot jeepney and we sat in front beside the driver. He got off at NCPAG without saying goodbye. I looked back and saw him running. Running away from me even as the jeepney was already taking me away.

***

It has been years since D and I broke up, and I honestly have no news about him whatsoever. I tried to meet him, during the brief period when I was dating no one. But he kept on cancelling and delaying. Days stretched into months and I just had to drop it. I may have been rash. I may have been overly emotional. But I had to save what was left of my pride. If he wanted to see me, he would have made an effort. I was only asking for an hour or two and he couldn't even find that for me. What more if I asked to be with him for the rest of my life?

I had this dream about him yesterday. We were talking. He said he was with someone new and that he was hoping his new guy will be the one he will be with for the rest of his life.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. It took me a few seconds to realize that it was nothing but a dream. I should have been comforted by that. But the pain the dream caused... That pain is real nonetheless.

***

Dreams. They're like virtual reality machines. They show us, creatively, the things we've been hiding to everyone and to ourselves. Dreams are traitors. Once you thought you've already effectively erased someone's memories, dreams will dredge them up back to hound you.