The Path to Wisdom

DISCLAIMER:
Forgive me for (once again) being self-indulgent and egocentric, but what I want my reader to understand is that I've been spending the last seven years of my life in filling up the gaps and holes in my life. I cannot move forward without looking back at my past. I suppose many of you are lucky to have survived through your adolescent years with your ego intact, or you may have the talent of multi-tasking, getting to know who you are while achieving something longer-lasting. But I am not as fortunate as you are when it comes to these things. One-track heart. One-track mind.

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These past few nights, I've spent idle hours lying on my bed, tossing and turning. My sembreak has technically begun, and it has left me with some free time I've been sorely lacking since I began teaching in my new school. My laptop has been deemed beyond repair (I'm now back to renting), and it significantly cut off the many possible ways I could have whittled away this dead time in my hands. But beyond that inactivity, there was this even more massive force which drove me away from my bed and my books, my smokes, and my mp3 player - the need to blog.

My life wasn't exactly at a standstill all these weeks I've kept quiet here in my blog. On the contrary, too many things have happened, and I am actually overwhelmed, choosing which event to write about. My mind has been racing all this time away from the keyboard, trying to sift through all the experiences I've managed to mangle myself into, and selecting which ones to cast perpetually in the amber of cyberspace. I actually have a headache right now. Whether it was caused by too much thinking or something less psychological is still debatable.

As might be expected (if there's anyone at all who is interested in what I have to say), I've been spending most of my free time thinking about... life. I don't really understand why I am so obsessed with this, and I don't understand why not everyone is into it either. See, I am doing it again. I am trying to understand why I want to understand.

Anyway, the loss of my laptop has made me realize something important about myself. Deprivation has always been one of the effective means for me to learn the value of things and this time, I realized that what I miss the most among the many capabilities my laptop gave me is my virtual voice. In Facebook, yes, but this blog above all.

I suppose mediocrity and insignificance are two of the major fears which have shaped my life recently. The former, I can deal with without exerting too much effort (I'm not being cocky, it's a plain statement of fact), but to maintain the latter, I need a platform. I need a voice. One can hardly consider someone significant when one stands for nothing and says nothing, right?

It makes me afraid sometimes, realizing this need and learning about why I want to teach in the first place. Is it really because I enjoy teaching per se or maybe because it gives me an opportunity to air my views? Am I really that noble or am I just enjoying the chance to influence others to my way of thinking?

I think all these musings give me enough clues as to where I want my life to be heading in the coming years. I  need a platform. I need an audience. And above all, I need to make a change. I need to make people aware of the things they may have forgotten.

Only a few days left before I turn 27 (it's so scary to approach 30) and as is often the case, one's birthday is the perfect opportunity to reassess what one has accomplished. I have no significant financial investments. My career is at a roadblock. My health (with my smoking) may have gone worse and I do not even want to dwell on my sorry physical attributes. I am almost 27 and what have I to show? Where are the groundbreaking achievements I used to expect from myself?

I really don't know if I'm only making excuses for my failures but if I were to answer that last question, I'd say that my biggest achievement is that I've set my path to wisdom. Not the mere acquisition of material things. Not the directionless accumulation of knowledge. Not the manipulative thirst for control, power, and domination. But understanding.

Seven years of working and I have nothing to show.

But at least, I have something to say.

And with laptop or no laptop, I know that I will continue on this self-imposed advocacy. For once, I've identified something which drives me. And I am going to use this to point me to where the world really wants me to be.

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P. S.
You know reader, I have fancies of being remembered for a very long time. One of my wildest fantasies is this blog and my other written works being dissected and discussed inside a classroom. Right now, of course, I am not worthy of that. But maybe in the future. Who knows? I just love challenges.