People passed me by and I passed by them. All kinds of people they were. All kinds of strangers and I felt nothing for them. No kinship. No interest and no sympathy. Not even desire for the better looking ones.
The night was black and so were the clouds in my head. Thoughts were swirling (they always were) but I left them unformed. All I knew is that I have to keep moving forward. For once, I have a direction. I have a target. And nothing must stand in my way. Not even love.
"What is that?" I asked myself. I am on the point of forgetting. Vague memories of intense emotions but I couldn't recall them any longer. People used to scold me for letting love take the reins of my life so I learned to live without it. And I learned very well. I excelled in the task I've set for myself. Now I don't need love any longer. I don't have room for it in my life anymore.
I'm a drifter now. I don't let myself linger in any one state. I must keep moving forward. Always to the next lesson. Always to the next higher level. I have a target and I need to focus.
The sky was black and beyond the clouds there must have been stars but I got myself blinded by the city lights. I can't see them any longer and I do not even bother. Like a bubble rising through the bog, a memory of innocence floated to my mind. A memory of chasing dreams and of wonderful fantasies. Memories of who I used to be. So much has changed, I thought. I lost who I was yet there was not a shred of regret I can dig from the remnants of my so-called soul.
The buses honked and the neon signs flashed. My mind floated and my heart succumbed to the coldness. This, then, is what death must feel like.
Friend, this is such a sad post. And it feels like there's a hint of finality...how come? Aren't you interested in turning things around? I'm sure you have what it takes to be great. Five years after graduation, you h=may have lost some allies but your true friends are still here...believing in what you can achieve...waiting until we can yell our boisterous cheers again because once more you've outdone yourself...
ReplyDeleteThis post was a true depiction of the emotional state I was in at the time. As of the moment, I am helpless about this. I suppose I'm only feeling the aftermaths of the complete fiasco I've made of my love life...
ReplyDeleteI burned myself out in my studies. I suppose the same has happened to my heart.