My eyes opened to the hazy sunset over Manila Bay and its muted hues somehow made my landing back to the real world softer. The gentle rocking of the bus helped in that illusion as well, and I felt the boundary of my world and the real one blur again. But then, my mind seemed to have perked itself up completely by that time, and I was left again to my usual past time on my hour-long bus ride home - involuntary thinking.
***
It gets so lonely up here, I thought. It gets so lonely and that is why I need to be loud in the virtual world. I need to make myself feel connected because I do not want to have to resort to isolation just to keep my sanity. My loudness keeps me grounded and I desperately need that otherwise I might just fly and never return.
***
Is it true what she said? That people do not really care about who you really are? That people only want to understand the aspects of you which are helpful to them in dealing with you and if they can do without knowing the mechanisms of your personality, they'd prefer that? That they don't really give a fuck about what is really you or more likely, they're not even aware that they aren't giving a fuck?
***
This thirst to change the world is draining me and I feel like rolling that proverbial rock uphill. Why are the others so blind? Why can't they see the truth? I keep pushing, enticing, and lambasting alternately and they stay put. I spend time arranging the facts nicely on their shelves yet they are ignored. Slowly, slowly I am succumbing to the fact that the reason is not that they cannot see reason but that they are not equipped with the perfect capacity to reason. Such a horrible idea! One that I will not readily accept about humanity. I have embraced the fact that I am different but surely, I am not that different. Surely a little more coaxing will light up that proverbial bulb in their heads. Surely they have that bulb in the first place. All they need is some spark and yet what is happening to me and them? Why do I feel my alienation more and more? Where have I gone wrong? Why has this pursuit of the truth and knowledge being placed in a sickeningly twisted and perverted "holy" fucking light?!
***
It gets so cold up here. So cold with the winds howling, threatening to make me stumble down to where I began. I look down and see some of my friends struggling upwards, still trapped in their own bogs. Some lazy, some deluded. Some going around in circles and some too cowardly. From up here, I can see how they can get out of their mazes but I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate my meddling into their affairs. There are so very few of us up here and what's worse is that we are hidden from each other by thickets. I'm certain I am not at the peak yet. I'm certain there must be some who have already reached the peak. I just wish they'd holler down at me and help me a bit here. It just gets so very lonely that I'm shouting my lungs out yet they are not responding. What have they discovered? Why don't they want to help? Are they really just keeping silent or is there no one really here with me?
***
Ropes up here leading to my friends still below. Thick taut ropes and I tug them to keep them going. I tug them to pull my comrades up. They are my comrades. We are the world. Only we are the world and we have to save ourselves. We have to go forward together. Go upward together because we are responsible for ourselves, for the world. For our future, if we are to survive.
***
But am I really here? What if I was the one deluding myself into being here? And does this really matter in the real world? I am struggling and exhausting my energy trying to make sure all of us get up here. It is such hard work. And getting no thanks for it besides. But up here, what I want does not really matter in the long run. I brought myself up here and it is my duty to pull the others up. It is only my duty. So I grabbed the nearest rope and tugged, dodging the occasional rock from below. Hoping against hope that when they're up here they will understand.
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