One Big Fraud

January 18, 2008

Bryan de la Isla is a big fraud. I saw him looking at Hunter's Multiply profile again. I caught him reading his blog, checking his pictures. I heard his voice waver as he read about Hunter's feelings towards this other girl person. I saw his eyes shine when he saw Hunter's pics where a girl was hugging Hunter and holding his hands. I saw him crumple on his seat as the people behind him mentioned something about Hunter's pictures being about pre-nuptial rites.
I saw him. I caught him red-handed. He who tells everyone that he has already moved on. He who tells everyone that it was no big deal and that he has already awakened from his stupidity. He and his fucked up albums. He and the tales he tells his students in class. He and his big mouth, telling lies in front of his friends.
I saw him after, wandering around in UP. I saw him, looking up at the night sky, looking lost and letting himself be drenched by the rain. I heard his mind and his heart arguing. His eyes were bright in the yellow lamp lights, but he shed no tear. Reason was about to win but his heart asked, "What is the truth Bryan?" and he had no answer.
He thought about his baby. About how unfair this would be to him. But his baby doesn't understand because his baby hasn't felt how it is to be heartbroken. His baby cannot fully understand the impact of what Hunter did to him because his baby was a man of reason and little emotion.
Somebody told him that the key to forgetting is love not time. But how can he get his fill of love from his baby when the truth is that...
Bryan de la Isla is a big fraud and he is hopeless. Drawn to the flame and is willing to burn. Giving his all for the person he will never have...
He is a fraud. He is a fool. And I for one know that his upcoming dance album isn't a celebration but merely a distraction from the truth that is nagging at his heart.
Hunter is surrounded by girls. Hunter is getting married. Hunter doesn't give a damn about what happens to him... And still he comes back everytime his defenses weaken.
And later he will cry. He will let it all out so that he'll be okay when he meets his baby tomorrow. But Bryan de la Isla... is one big fraud.
***

There's a corner of your heart for me.
There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I will pack my bags just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

There is room beneath your bed for me.
There is room beneath your bed just for me.
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed.
Just to sleep underneath your bed.

There's one minute of your day.
There's one minute of your day.
I will leave this man just to occupy one minute of your day.
Just to occupy one minute of your day.

Just to sleep underneath your bed.

Just to stay in the corner of you heart.

[Ingrid Michaelson/ Corner of your Heart]

The First Time I Touched Your Hand

 December 19, 2007

...and then someone texted me - Vianka, a past student, and she told me that she was in the same jeepney with you, and that you have a girl with you, and that even if Vianka told me that the girl you are with is "chaka", that doesn't change the fact that you are, indeed, with someone else and I was wondering how Vianka can tell at first glance that it was your girl, so I thought that perhaps, you were openly being sweet with her (which she later verified), and then I thought that, maybe, you are straight after all, and that there was no way that you can be with me, or perhaps, that the girl was just a coverup - that you're really gay and just fooling around with the girl, whoever she is, or that perhaps, you are also like me, a bisexual, trying out things for the meantime, but you know, whatever the reason, whoever that girl is, whether she's your jowa-jowaan or not, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and I've been moving through my life, going through the motions, experiencing real happiness, believing in another chance, but I know that whenever I look into a dark corner, I feel like I've lost something deep inside me, a lack I cannot explain, and I know that, whenever I talk about you in class, whenever I tell them that I am okay now, I know that I am telling the truth, but despite all that, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and that you are with someone else, and that someone else, hopefully, will give you the happiness you will not let me give, the happiness I cannot give no matter how I try, and no, don't think that I still want you, don't think that I still care about you because it's obvious that I don't, so I'm content just watching from the shadows, just hearing occasionally about you, and being unaffected, just looking up at this blue sky, careless, and empty, because I AM NOT WITH YOU, and you're with someone else right now, and I remember that line from that song, "am I not deserving one second of your touch?" and I still remember clearly, as if it was just yesterday, the first time I touched your hand, and how it sent a thrill down my spine, how the blood rushed to my head, how... how indesribably blissful the feeling was, but it has been three years now, and... and...  you're not here now, and... and I hate you, because you're... you're you, and nobody else can be like you, and wherever I go, whatever I do, nobody can ever... ever be like you... and that emptiness, that feeling of losing someone connected to me in some way, that endless searching for you, will remain with me
I don't have to pretend
It just is

My Teacher

August 8, 2007

My playlist includes songs from my past eight albums, and that includes songs about you. And when I set the play mode on shuffle, and songs about you start playing in my ears without warning - it's been two years and more but - I still get to think of you.

I can still remember how I felt then, how my chest felt empty and raw. I can still remember how I summoned the courage to confess that fateful October night. How I cried when you said goodbye, not considering how I would feel. How I felt when the friend that I used to have (that was you) is now deliberately causing me pain. How you forgot me. How you changed my life and you didn't even give a damn no matter how much I was hurting.

It's been two years and more, and I still get to think of you everyday. But when I think of you, I don't feel pain anymore. I don't feel regret. I remember you as a dream, and I can laugh now about how foolish I have been. Yes, I admit I was foolish. But I wasn't wrong about what I did.

Yet you will always be the dream that I never had. You will always occupy that space in my heart. (And you know what, reader, I'm listening to music now and "Never Had A Dream Come True" just came up. Coincidence.)

I can't say if I'm lucky or not to have met you. Lucky, perhaps, in a way that I got to know you. That I got to experience some of the most special moments of my life just because you were in the same room with me. And unlucky, perhaps, because I crossed paths with my "dream guy" only to be hurt in the end. Only to make me realize that I cannot have everything that I want.

To test myself, I keep imagining you coming back to me, no matter how improbable that may be. I keep imagining that you've realized that you've fallen in love with me too. And I keep imagining how I would refuse you. How I'd hurt you too because I want you to feel how much you've hurt me. How I'd tell you that you were too late, that once, you had my heart in your hands but you threw it away. That you cannot have it back. And I keep imagining how you'd look then. How your eyes will fill with anguished tears and regret. How you'd feel pain. Oh how you'd hurt. How I'd relish that moment - seeing you in my pain.

And I will walk away from you, not bothering to turn back when you call me. I won't come back. I won't show you my own tears. Because I know that you will always be the dream that I never had.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe you were meant to treat me that way because someone better is coming my way. And he is here, now. Here he is with me, my baby.

There are things I wouldn't have learned if you didn't treat me that way. You were only an instrument, I can see that now. I taught you chemistry, but you taught me about life and love.

I learned the hard way. But I learned more. And I am a better person because of you, and what you've put me through.

Goodbye, First Guy

July 5, 2007

Sometimes it's stupid. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes, it's embarrassing. Other times, it's alright.
Goodbye, first guy. Just thought about everything being over now.
And I thought about everything starting to be really okay with my baby.
I know that, sometimes, we just have to leave everything behind. That sometimes, we can't fix things. That we have to leave things broken. That I'll never ever see you again, and if I do, it will not be as I want it to be.
This is how it is meant to be - you and I. And it's sad. But I have to accept it.
This will be my last entry for you. This will be the last time I'll ever write about you. From now on, I won't think of you. I won't talk about you with my friends.
I had my one last cry. On the bus home. I didn't mind the other passengers. I cried, and I wasn't able to stop it. I thought of what I've done for you without getting anything back.
But I won't dwell on you anymore. I'd love to, you know I do, I love pain. But my baby needs me, and I need him. He's the one I'll be with for the rest of my life. Not you. Though I used to think it was you.
Goodbye. You don't fucking know what you've missed in me. But I don't care anymore. You can fuck other people and I won't ever give a damn anymore, even if you do it to my face.
I'm throwing away your picture. And I know that when I tear it, I'm tearing my own heart. And when I burn it, I'm burning away your memories.
Sometimes, things just end up bad. And that's that. No amount of crying will ever change that.
Goodbye to the first guy I ever loved.
Nothing more... No more.
I did my best.
No more.
Goodbye.
***
I'm listening to this song...
Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Casual

WARNING: This entry is for mature readers only. If you're below 18, you are discouraged from reading this.
***
Some people think that just because I'm vocal about these stuff, I am promiscuous. Believe it or not, I'm actually against casual sex.
I won't deny that I do get attracted to some people (in other words, I get horny), and it may feel alright for the first few minutes or so but when I'm actually there, something in me shuts off. Despite myself, there's this voice within me, reminding me that I don't know this person. That I have no feelings for this person. And what the hell was I doing have I gone insane I'm a teacher?!! But I just can't back off without being impolite so I am transformed into this mechanical... device, doing things without really enjoying them. Just to be polite. And in the end, I am left with nothingness and coldness... I am not exaggerating.
I do envy other people sometimes when they tell me that they've done this with this person because no matter how I try, I just can't do it casually. I did not think that my emotionality will extend to my physical activities. And no matter what I do, that block is there. I really have to love a person first before I can share myself with him/her fully. Step by step. It's an automatic guard against unfaithfulness.
My advice is that, to those who are still virgins (meron pa ba dun?), do it with someone you really love. It is true, what they say - that you'll lose something within you. (At least it was true for emo people like me)
I'm writing about this because my boyfriend just told me about certain things from his past and I was really really bothered and my only reaction was "God...", and I was hurt because it took him seven months before he can tell me.
But we made it through. I am big enough to understand. Still I can't take it off me... Whenever I think of the things he's done...
"God..."
So you see why I'm against casual sex?

How Will Turner Turned It

I've found out that HE has a multiply account. It's Orlando Bloom's fault entirely. I shouldnt've watched At World's End with my baby. Will Turner made me remember. He made me live it all over again.
So later, I was checking my multiply account because I had to reply to some messages my students sent me. And suddenly, I had this thought of searching multiply for his account. I keyed in his email (I cannot erase it from my memory), and voila, there he is! I browsed through his page, saw his pictures (very vain but with good cause, I have to admit), and read his blog. And I was in pain. His entries were dated last year, around his birthday. He isn't a regular blogger like me. Just four entries on his vague trials, on his birthday (I clearly remember Milenyo wrecking Manila on that date... how coincidental), and on this special person! Fuck it!
Hell I was mad. I illogically felt hurt. I have no call on his feelings. No call at all. I was thinking, hoping that he was too engrossed with his studies - that he will have no time for love. It's one of those small things busted people like me hope for. That they'll remain single. That they'll be looking at no one else.
I was hoping. Hoping that he was gay, or bisexual like me. I had good cause. Uber good-looking people like him cannot stay single for long. He will be snatched up by girls and gays... So I was thinking, why is he isn't in a relationship? Maybe he's gay, I thought, with an evil grin.
But my hopes of that delusion aren't really squashed yet. He has this special someone, but he didn't say (or at least, I can't remember) that the person was a girl. And they aren't in a relationship. I have yet to see him holding hands with a girl. But still, that isn't enough. He could be bisexual.
Foolish. I should stop hoping. It's just that, in this world, I only get attracted to very few people. It would seem illogical, I know, because I'm not attractive myself. Quite the opposite. But it has something to do with their attitude. With who they are and what they look like that I'm attracted to. That fatal combination which will make me fall head over heels. And so far, I've found only three. And he's the best among them.
It's with my ego perhaps. I cannot let him go because I cannot face failure. He was the first I lost. The first I failed to get. Maybe. Maybe that. Or maybe I just cannot find someone else like him. Maybe no one will ever make me feel like he did.
In the movie, before the credits came up [spoiler alert!], there was this scene with Will and Elizabeth on the beach. Another weird thing - I've always thought of myself as an island (the friendster blog title, my yearbook description, my juvenile journals). I imagined he was Will and I was Elizabeth. I had no choice! I don't want to be a girl though. And he looks so much like Orlando Bloom (except perhaps for the guy I had sex with once, though I didn't enjoy that). And Will had his heart in this chest, which he asked Elizabeth to keep. And Will was about to go to the Flying Dutchman, leaving Elizabeth for 10 years, and Will told her, "Keep your eye on the horizon."
How it all fits. It was like he himself telling me to keep my eye on my boyfriend (his album, if you can remember is called "On the Horizon"). The setting, the sun about to set (Dusk at Red Island), Elizabeth left on the beach and Will Turner gone... It all fits.
***
I should be happy with everything I have now. But I learned that I can't just put out the light of my inner fires entirely. Until someone comes along to douse it. Until someone comes along which can match what he has done for me... Maybe then, when the time comes when I'll completely feel that I'm worthy of the person. When I get my confidence back... Maybe then I can figure things out.

A Crowd of Others

Some people in Chem? Oh, they love to talk about chemistry. They love to talk about their researches. They love to brag about the foreign universities they'll be going to once their contract as being an instructor ends. They love to brag about how much money they are making with their sidelines. They love their intellectual masturbation, exchanging chem questions left and right without any real objective but to hear the sound of their voices.

Some people in Chem? All they think about are their careers. All they think about is getting more recognition. If you ask them about their love life, they wouldn't know what you're talking about. If you ask them about their personal lives, they will scold you for focusing on such mundane things. If you ask them whether they are happy, they will tell you that there are more important things than that.

Some people in Chem? They don't seem to care whether the people around them are happy. They don't care whether you're okay, as long as you get your job done well. They don't ask about the things which make you fulfilled. All they want to know is whether you are on the right track to becoming a soulless scientist like them. All they want to know is whether you passed this exam or not.

Some people in Chem? Oh, they don't really care about teaching. They don't really care about the nobility of working for UP. All they see is money. All they see is that teaching is but a convenient stepping stone towards where they are going. They are not really teachers. Their passions lie elsewhere.

But I am in their world and I have to fit in with people like them. I have to understand that everyone is different and that each have their own goals, their own ideas of what is good and what is right.

Only sometimes I wish that they'd look outside once in a while and appreciate how blue the sky is.

Just once in a while, so that I can feel like I belong because I'm feeling lost, reader. I feel so lost in a crowd of others.