My Teacher

August 8, 2007

My playlist includes songs from my past eight albums, and that includes songs about you. And when I set the play mode on shuffle, and songs about you start playing in my ears without warning - it's been two years and more but - I still get to think of you.

I can still remember how I felt then, how my chest felt empty and raw. I can still remember how I summoned the courage to confess that fateful October night. How I cried when you said goodbye, not considering how I would feel. How I felt when the friend that I used to have (that was you) is now deliberately causing me pain. How you forgot me. How you changed my life and you didn't even give a damn no matter how much I was hurting.

It's been two years and more, and I still get to think of you everyday. But when I think of you, I don't feel pain anymore. I don't feel regret. I remember you as a dream, and I can laugh now about how foolish I have been. Yes, I admit I was foolish. But I wasn't wrong about what I did.

Yet you will always be the dream that I never had. You will always occupy that space in my heart. (And you know what, reader, I'm listening to music now and "Never Had A Dream Come True" just came up. Coincidence.)

I can't say if I'm lucky or not to have met you. Lucky, perhaps, in a way that I got to know you. That I got to experience some of the most special moments of my life just because you were in the same room with me. And unlucky, perhaps, because I crossed paths with my "dream guy" only to be hurt in the end. Only to make me realize that I cannot have everything that I want.

To test myself, I keep imagining you coming back to me, no matter how improbable that may be. I keep imagining that you've realized that you've fallen in love with me too. And I keep imagining how I would refuse you. How I'd hurt you too because I want you to feel how much you've hurt me. How I'd tell you that you were too late, that once, you had my heart in your hands but you threw it away. That you cannot have it back. And I keep imagining how you'd look then. How your eyes will fill with anguished tears and regret. How you'd feel pain. Oh how you'd hurt. How I'd relish that moment - seeing you in my pain.

And I will walk away from you, not bothering to turn back when you call me. I won't come back. I won't show you my own tears. Because I know that you will always be the dream that I never had.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe you were meant to treat me that way because someone better is coming my way. And he is here, now. Here he is with me, my baby.

There are things I wouldn't have learned if you didn't treat me that way. You were only an instrument, I can see that now. I taught you chemistry, but you taught me about life and love.

I learned the hard way. But I learned more. And I am a better person because of you, and what you've put me through.