I've never been as aware of how really skinny I am as when I'm at O-bar. Well, not since I've stopped going to the gym four years ago. At O-bar, everybody's body is okay. Sure, there are those who are a bit on the bulky side but almost always I am the skinniest person present. Only some of the ladies sometimes beat me to that and I suppose they are a bit envious of my slimness. Hehe.
Contrary to what some of you might believe, I do am aware of my physical state of emergency. And how can I not be when everytime I see pictures of me and I notice my elbows jutting out by a mile or how my arms almost disappear into the background if you squint hard enough? When everytime I meet my high school friends or family relatives they keep on exclaiming how skinny I am becoming? And they do that almost everytime. I keep thinking to myself that at this rate, I will be reduced to thin air in a few years. I never really believe those people when they say that I'm skinnier than last they saw me. Because to my knowledge I've never been other than skinny. Unless of course, they are referring to the time when I was little more than a baby.
When I'm dancing with my friends at O-bar, I never get approached by strangers. I suppose they judge me as a lose-lose situation. Someone with a loser face and a loser body. Sad, although I don't really mind since my primary reason for going there is to have fun with my friends. Honestly. But I do wonder sometimes how it feels to be "picked up". Though to be fair to myself, I've been picked up in a couple of places but not in O-bar, where people like me frolic.
I've ranted about this so many times in my earlier blogs and I have always come to the conclusion that how you look isn't very important. Of course I'll do that, since I wanted to comfort myself. And I wasn't really as concerned then because I was in relationships where I am accepted for who I am, with muscles or no muscles. But now, when I'm in that phase of my life when I am beginning to explore gay bars, I realize that your body DOES matter. Though not in the way most of you will think.
When I was 16, I asked my doctor why I was so skinny and he said that that was normal for my age group. Five years passed and aside from being taller, I didn't notice any major changes in my muscle bulk at all. I thought then that I was simply too stressed with college life and I daydreamed instead of how I'll get the body I wanted by the time I'm 25 when I can take better care of myself. I'm 25 now and absolutely nothing has changed with my body. Now I have to move my "dream body" deadline by another five years.
If you're wondering why I am so skinny, don't ask me because I really don't know myself. It would have been a bit comforting (if humiliating) to blame it on worms if only the medical tests proved I do not have such things in my belly. I suppose I'm not eating right since I only eat two meals a day. I smoke a lot. I stay up late until morning. Some nights I do not sleep at all just because I can't (like right now). I'm sure I am not the only one who is living this unhealthy lifestyle yet why am I the only one who is getting skinny as a rail? Metabolism shemabolism!
The truth is, I don't really have the motivation to work for it. Some people do it to snag a guy, but I've been able to do that with this weight. Some people do it to be chased, but that doesn't really give me lasting satisfaction. And for the rest, well I suppose they do it for their confidence but the funny thing is, I do am confident with the little that I have already.
I know that some of you are also having problems with your weight. But what I've realized, and that's why I am sharing these with you, is that we can be beautiful like US. There are many ways to be beautiful and sexy, and the easiest way is to simply believe that you are. I mean look at me, I am so skinny that sometimes I'm afraid social workers will soon knock at my door to take me away, but I've accepted that this is the body that I have right now and I just have to make do with it. Worrying or being ashamed about it will not solve it. You just need to realize that being a hunk or a pussycat doll is NOT the only way to be attractive. Choose which paths to beauty are available to you and take it.
So next time I'm in O-bar, I'll continue to do what I've been doing. Just dance and have fun. Dance and celebrate that at least, pick up or no pick up, I can be myself. That even if I may not fare well in the looks division, nobody can deny the power of my heart and my spirit. Yeah, maybe I can be better-looking with a little effort now and then. And yeah, maybe someday I will work out just to experience how it feels to be admired for your body but right now, I am happy just as I am. And there's no reason why you shouldn't feel the same.
Your body does matter, in the long run. But it doesn't matter in the sense of how others think whether you're sexy or not but on how YOU see it. If you think you're ugly then you are, no matter how many admiring looks you get. If you think you're okay then you are, even if no one looks twice at you.
Hehe. Others (especially the good-looking ones) may believe that I wrote this only to convince myself that I'm doing fine. Maybe. Maybe not. Only your own experiences will prove whether what I wrote was sensible or not.
I'll end this note with an illuminating quote from the Pet Shop Boys' song "Love, Etc." which summarized the fact some of us have been trying to avoid.
"You don't have to be beautiful. But it helps."
Contrary to what some of you might believe, I do am aware of my physical state of emergency. And how can I not be when everytime I see pictures of me and I notice my elbows jutting out by a mile or how my arms almost disappear into the background if you squint hard enough? When everytime I meet my high school friends or family relatives they keep on exclaiming how skinny I am becoming? And they do that almost everytime. I keep thinking to myself that at this rate, I will be reduced to thin air in a few years. I never really believe those people when they say that I'm skinnier than last they saw me. Because to my knowledge I've never been other than skinny. Unless of course, they are referring to the time when I was little more than a baby.
When I'm dancing with my friends at O-bar, I never get approached by strangers. I suppose they judge me as a lose-lose situation. Someone with a loser face and a loser body. Sad, although I don't really mind since my primary reason for going there is to have fun with my friends. Honestly. But I do wonder sometimes how it feels to be "picked up". Though to be fair to myself, I've been picked up in a couple of places but not in O-bar, where people like me frolic.
I've ranted about this so many times in my earlier blogs and I have always come to the conclusion that how you look isn't very important. Of course I'll do that, since I wanted to comfort myself. And I wasn't really as concerned then because I was in relationships where I am accepted for who I am, with muscles or no muscles. But now, when I'm in that phase of my life when I am beginning to explore gay bars, I realize that your body DOES matter. Though not in the way most of you will think.
When I was 16, I asked my doctor why I was so skinny and he said that that was normal for my age group. Five years passed and aside from being taller, I didn't notice any major changes in my muscle bulk at all. I thought then that I was simply too stressed with college life and I daydreamed instead of how I'll get the body I wanted by the time I'm 25 when I can take better care of myself. I'm 25 now and absolutely nothing has changed with my body. Now I have to move my "dream body" deadline by another five years.
If you're wondering why I am so skinny, don't ask me because I really don't know myself. It would have been a bit comforting (if humiliating) to blame it on worms if only the medical tests proved I do not have such things in my belly. I suppose I'm not eating right since I only eat two meals a day. I smoke a lot. I stay up late until morning. Some nights I do not sleep at all just because I can't (like right now). I'm sure I am not the only one who is living this unhealthy lifestyle yet why am I the only one who is getting skinny as a rail? Metabolism shemabolism!
The truth is, I don't really have the motivation to work for it. Some people do it to snag a guy, but I've been able to do that with this weight. Some people do it to be chased, but that doesn't really give me lasting satisfaction. And for the rest, well I suppose they do it for their confidence but the funny thing is, I do am confident with the little that I have already.
I know that some of you are also having problems with your weight. But what I've realized, and that's why I am sharing these with you, is that we can be beautiful like US. There are many ways to be beautiful and sexy, and the easiest way is to simply believe that you are. I mean look at me, I am so skinny that sometimes I'm afraid social workers will soon knock at my door to take me away, but I've accepted that this is the body that I have right now and I just have to make do with it. Worrying or being ashamed about it will not solve it. You just need to realize that being a hunk or a pussycat doll is NOT the only way to be attractive. Choose which paths to beauty are available to you and take it.
So next time I'm in O-bar, I'll continue to do what I've been doing. Just dance and have fun. Dance and celebrate that at least, pick up or no pick up, I can be myself. That even if I may not fare well in the looks division, nobody can deny the power of my heart and my spirit. Yeah, maybe I can be better-looking with a little effort now and then. And yeah, maybe someday I will work out just to experience how it feels to be admired for your body but right now, I am happy just as I am. And there's no reason why you shouldn't feel the same.
Your body does matter, in the long run. But it doesn't matter in the sense of how others think whether you're sexy or not but on how YOU see it. If you think you're ugly then you are, no matter how many admiring looks you get. If you think you're okay then you are, even if no one looks twice at you.
Hehe. Others (especially the good-looking ones) may believe that I wrote this only to convince myself that I'm doing fine. Maybe. Maybe not. Only your own experiences will prove whether what I wrote was sensible or not.
I'll end this note with an illuminating quote from the Pet Shop Boys' song "Love, Etc." which summarized the fact some of us have been trying to avoid.
"You don't have to be beautiful. But it helps."
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