The Upper Hand

Yes, reader, I am seeing someone new. And he's actually okay, all things considered, and maybe if we met earlier (like years ago) I might really have kindled a spark between us. But the thing is, all my failed romantic attempts these past twelve months have left me jaded. This may surprise some of you, and believe me that no one can be more surprised at this than me, but I just don't seem to want to be in a relationship anymore. It seems that I have really learned to like being alone.

(Gasp!)

Nah. I admit that the more probable reason is that I'm "not just that into" him. And now, after years of going through all kinds of emotional twists and turns, I am facing a new dilemma - how to reject someone.

As far as I can recall, I've only gone through something like this twice so far. One of them I cannot share with you (Do I smell another lawsuit?), and the other... well, I just disappeared from the guy. Without an explanation whatsoever.  But this new guy is different because, we're actually seeing each other quite often recently. I mean, if we are to count the hours we've had together this can already qualify as something bordering on what I had previously with thesis guy.

I just never really thought about this situation ever arising in my life. Shaming as it is to admit it, but it just goes to show the abysmal confidence levels I have about these things - that I never really imagined myself having the "upper hand." I was so used to the idea of reaching up to the guy I like, and the idea alone of someone doing the same to me... The possibility alone is so alien I haven't really given a single dime of thought about what to do in such an eventuality.

Now, friends, this is different from my past relationships, ok? There, I admit that I was always the one who screws up and ruins the relationship. This is dating.

It just feels so unkind to say "no" that I feel I'd rather be the one rejected than to be the one breaking someone's happy thoughts. I am actually crossing my fingers, hoping that this new guy has been fooling with me or using me all along. That way I can pretend to be hurt, and he will leave me none the wiser, his pride still intact.

I suppose I can break it to him gently but maybe that will only prolong our torment. If I tell him to his face, I'm afraid that I may not be able to face it if he feels rather sad (I will not use broken-hearted). Oh what is it with clinginess that makes me want to run fast in the other direction? Why does my attraction end when the person I like likes me back?

It makes me look a fool if I publicly admit that I really am among the worst lovers a person can ever have. I am the worst because I genuinely try to make a relationship last but in the end I really do not know how to deal with people who I got to love me back. It makes me an evil dictator of sorts. It makes me want to make that person go through hoops just for my entertainment. It's like my way of getting back at those heartless souls who rejected me before. This is very wrong, and I will have to come to grips with my black side before I can deem myself ready for my next LTR. I am aware of these, but one cannot simply choose what to feel or think.

Well, look at me... For the first time I am actually not hurting and it makes me sound like the most overconfident jerk you've ever met. I think I'm just panicking, and I'm only getting ready for the worst possible scenario.

We had a chat about the both of us wanting to settle down (not necessarily together ok). About finding someone who is NOT only there for the thrill. And I promised him that I am going to be true (not necessarily to him, but as a person) and I have this ugly feeling he took it differently. And now he can't dispense with the "mwahs" and the "i miss you's" when he texts me.

I am such a jerk. And I suppose I deserve all the ill luck that has happened to my love life lately.

Is it a redeeming factor for me if I lean more on the chance that I'd like him better eventually rather than on me wishing he was a total fluke?