In a few hours from now, my colleagues are going to have this sendoff party for me and the other instructors who are not returning this coming academic year. A part of me is delighted at the idea that they were thoughtful enough to plan this, but mostly, upon hearing about this party, I didn't feel particularly overjoyed, mostly because it forcefully reminded me that I am indeed leaving my beloved university. For real. It was something I did not really want to dwell on, and it didn't help that something as big as this was moved to the back of my mind with my recent heartbreak coupled with all the stress and havoc my comprehensive exams wreaked on my already sensitized nerves.I thought I had a few days to recharge and spend for myself. But no, reality came back to fling its ugly truth to my face.
I suppose one might expect that I might have already adjusted to my academe fate since a couple of months had already passed since that memorable day when I received my sorta termination letter. But I don't know... As I said, I really hadn't come to terms with it. It was always at the back of my head but I just couldn't bring myself to face it head on, like a sigma bond. Maybe I'm only dealing with it like how I dealt with my brother going insane - keep it cool, and run from it, even if it really feels terrible within.
Oh, what am I to do without my teaching? I have made this the center of my life! It gave my life meaning, being of service to all these wonderful students. My faculty room has been my home for six years. I have made some really good friends in there. And to come to terms with the fact that I won't be coming back to my dirty old cubicle... Well, it needs some alcohol for that to go down smoothly. And that is what I'm actually doing right now, FYI.
But to be blunt about it, it's not like this is going to be then end of my life you know. I'm going to miss my faculty friends terribly. I am going to miss my UP students. But somehow, I do have this confidence in myself that wherever I end up in, I know I'll get through. I don't have a plan of what to do next. Nothing concrete at all. I'm like this dead leaf, floating in the water. I don't care where the currents will take me. I'm just happy to be.
Oh I don't care if the PhD's think me a waste of their time. That some of them actively did something to kick me out of the Institute... Why would I listen to them? Like they're completely blameless for the fiasco they did of my career. And they're doing this horrible politicking to me? To one of the most dedicated teachers IC has ever known? I mean, false humility aside, I wouldn't be voted as UP's favorite IC instructor for nothing right? I just wish they'd know how I accomplished that just by being me and without trying! Only to rile them up more.
And yeah, just to get this straight between you and me, I don't care as much as my other colleagues if I fail in my comprehensive exams. I mean, yeah, I don't care what other people think. I don't see my failing as failure. It will just be a sign that being a scientist is not for me. Unlike those one-sided intellectual people, I spent time to get to know myself, you know. I know my capacity. I know my worth. And I suppose I can say that I'm worth more than what the comprehensive exams will show.
Although I do recognize that if I get my MS degree, it will make things more smooth-sailing for my career. Either way though, I know I'll be fine. I am not afraid to start all over again. More new experiences only means a more meaningful life for me. I won't really get the meaning of life if I don't make a few detours every now and then right? Like, for the longest time, I've been this really successful student. For once in my academic life, I really want to experience how it feels to not get something everybody expects me to have. I wouldn't learn if I don't stumble. Hard. And the people closest to me can attest to that.
Anyway, what I'm really getting at is that sometimes, having a plan helps. Knowing what you want to be in the future helps. But at this moment in my life, I don't really fucking care where this road will lead me. It's like preparing for comprehensive exams you know. You have absolutely no clue what will come up because of the almost infinite exam coverage. You only have your guts to rely on, in the end. And no matter what happens in my future, I know I have invested in myself - my personality, my strengths, a knowledge of knowing what makes me tick. And that will help me make it through, whatever it is I happen to come across in this life.
I may be right. I may be wrong. At least I have this self-awareness.
Hahahahaha! I think I am drunk now. See you guys at the sendoff party.
Fah King Soo Pah!
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