The Course of True Love

March 4, 2010

I was researching in Youtube for video materials some time ago when I encountered this quote from Shakespeare:

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

I smiled. Then I frowned. And shuddered. Disgusted at myself for believing, even for a few seconds, that what J**** and I have now is true love.

***

He hasn't texted me for around 12 hours now, the longest interval of silence since we met and to be honest, what I am feeling now is pain. I have planned, since those days when I discovered his first lie, of pushing him away so I can finally be free of his lies and now that I think I have finally succeeded, I am feeling everything but satisfaction.

Did I love him? Did I really love him for this never-even-happened relationship to matter this much to me?

Oh reader, it all started so sweetly!

I remember how I hugged him through the night. How he'd hold on to my hand even if he had to sleep at an uncomfortable position. How when he woke up to find I've shifted my sleeping position, he'll find my hand under the blankets. How he insisted on holding it even though I know he was half-asleep.

I remember how I almost threw him out of the house. How he kept on entertaining other guys even if he was staying with me at my parents' house. How he texted them in my face and never even bothered to be discreet. How he said that he was going for a late night walk when I knew he just wanted to go to an internet shop to chat with his supposed "friends" because when I said I wanted to walk with him, he declined. How I checked his fone when he got back and called him a liar. But when he threw his arms around me and held my hand and asked for a kiss, my anger melted away like snow on a summer day and I couldn't help but smile and forgive him. Oh how stupid I was!

I talked to him about it, with his head lying on my lap and when I asked him not to do that again, he immediately agreed. But he did that again to me, and I couldn't confront him that time because I just did not want to ruin the mood.

I remember how he went out on a date with another guy while he was staying with me at my parents'. How he asked me to wait for him so I can unlock the gate and let him in the house. How I waited for him until 4 in the morning when he said he will go home around midnight. How I couldn't contact him because he said his fone was low batt when we both knew perfectly well that he just charged his fone before he left the house.

Oh, he said he was going out with his "Tito" and when he said that I immediately thought that he was going to meet his uncle. Only to find out last Saturday that "Tito" was actually a kind of sugar daddy. And it all came crashing down on me, those numerous times he had to cut our date short because he had to meet this "Tito". And how he even asked me why I was feeling so down after my discovery?! How I retorted, "Well, what did you expect? That I'd be jumping up and down to know that you prefer to be with your "Tito" than be with me?"

I did not mention that, once again, I spent for EVERYTHING on that date. That I helped him get a job by taking him through the Job Fair. That I edited his resume, paid for it to be printed, to be photocopied, gave him advice on how to choose the work which best suits him only to receive THAT in return?

And all those messages for his "friends" he mistakenly sent to me?! How he lied with his teeth just to get away from my questioning.

And that time I was giving him head... All throughout it he was texting his "friend". He never considered my feelings at all. He did that again lately, by the way.

And how he'd flash his smile at me when he did something wrong. Did he think that will be enough to mollify me?! I only smile weakly in return, as if to say that it's all okay, because I just did not want to embarrass him.

And how, after all of these reader, I still gave him a chance. How I believed everything that he said! How I hoped that he would change, everytime he failed me again. He was just after my money, not my company. Just after the attention. He never loved me.

But I believed him! I believed him when he said that what he needed was something stable because his family is broken. I believed his tears were real, those nights he was crying on my shoulder.

I told him so. I made it clear that if he wanted to leave then he can leave. If he cannot give up his flirting with his ex's (his code name: cousins) and prospects (friends) then he can go and I will find another. I am not forcing him to stay with me. But he stayed! And I thought he was staying because he really wanted me...

Oh reader, I thought wrong. I was wrong. I was wronged! And I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

I thought it wasn't going to hurt if I stay. I was already slowly detaching myself from him, ever since that day I found out he was a big liar. I told my friends this was just for fun. That this was just an experiment to teach me what to do in case i go through this again.

But in the end, I lost. Because I thought I did not love. But I did. I gave him my all... and he treated me like a fool. He used me up to the point that he was blatantly asking me to give him a new celfone. He used me up to give him money for transpo so that he can meet his sugar daddy. I paid for it all. Even those times he visited me here in UP, I have to pay him back his fare.

Sometimes I just ask God or whoever is up there why should this happen to me... I mean, of all people... Because I know of people who are wicked... Who are unfaithful in relationships... Who are superficial... Who are liars... But they get through. They don't suffer as much as I do.

***

I wish I can stop loving.