I keep seeing it in my head - that moment when you'll let me down.
I'll be there early. An hour early because I need to compose myself. I need to summon up the courage because I'll finally be seeing you - my baby! - after more than a year. I'd have consumed a whole pack of cigarettes because I will be very nervous. I'll be practicing what to say, maybe even consulting mental notes. This could be my last shot.
And then I'll see you coming out of your office building. I will not be forewarned since you will not consent to give me your number. And then you'll turn this way and I will have to run after you. You will not stop walking. I will not be able to look you in the face. My steps will be shaky. I will be silent. I will not be able to say anything at first because my mind would have abandoned me by that time. Only my heart will be there with me. Beating like mad that I'll begin to fear I'll be spouting blood out of my orifices soon. My face will be beet-red by then.
And when you finally deign to look at me, you'll be amused. And you'll shake your head just so. And then you'll sigh and say my name in a most disparaging way. And then you'll tell me that there's nothing more to talk about. And then I will bow my head and clench my fists, even if that was exactly the answer I'll be expecting.
And then we'll reach the corner of the street and when we turn I'll see your new boyfriend waiting for you. He'll be eyeing me up and down, a smile on his face. His face will be painted with curiosity but his eyebrows will rise. I will know what he's thinking - that he is much better for you than I am. You would have told him all about my mistakes by that time. You would have told him how bad a boyfriend I've been to you.
And then he will carry your bag for you and you will turn to face me, one last time. And then you'll tell me that you're sorry but you need to go. You'll tell me to take care, and you will smile, as if nothing happened out of the ordinary. As if I wasn't a part of your life. Like those two and a half years meant nothing.
And I will have no choice but to smile back. I will have no choice but to look at you and him, walking away, already talking about where the two of you will have dinner that night. You will not look back.
And then people will bump into me, reminding me that I'm blocking the way.
And people will be looking strangely at me, reminding me that my eyes are not dry.
And then I will laugh at myself for being such an emo, and I will walk away. And I will be happy because at least someone in this world has finally found happiness, even if that person wasn't me.
And then I will hasten my steps and hurry up because I still have a long way to go.
I'll be there early. An hour early because I need to compose myself. I need to summon up the courage because I'll finally be seeing you - my baby! - after more than a year. I'd have consumed a whole pack of cigarettes because I will be very nervous. I'll be practicing what to say, maybe even consulting mental notes. This could be my last shot.
And then I'll see you coming out of your office building. I will not be forewarned since you will not consent to give me your number. And then you'll turn this way and I will have to run after you. You will not stop walking. I will not be able to look you in the face. My steps will be shaky. I will be silent. I will not be able to say anything at first because my mind would have abandoned me by that time. Only my heart will be there with me. Beating like mad that I'll begin to fear I'll be spouting blood out of my orifices soon. My face will be beet-red by then.
And when you finally deign to look at me, you'll be amused. And you'll shake your head just so. And then you'll sigh and say my name in a most disparaging way. And then you'll tell me that there's nothing more to talk about. And then I will bow my head and clench my fists, even if that was exactly the answer I'll be expecting.
And then we'll reach the corner of the street and when we turn I'll see your new boyfriend waiting for you. He'll be eyeing me up and down, a smile on his face. His face will be painted with curiosity but his eyebrows will rise. I will know what he's thinking - that he is much better for you than I am. You would have told him all about my mistakes by that time. You would have told him how bad a boyfriend I've been to you.
And then he will carry your bag for you and you will turn to face me, one last time. And then you'll tell me that you're sorry but you need to go. You'll tell me to take care, and you will smile, as if nothing happened out of the ordinary. As if I wasn't a part of your life. Like those two and a half years meant nothing.
And I will have no choice but to smile back. I will have no choice but to look at you and him, walking away, already talking about where the two of you will have dinner that night. You will not look back.
And then people will bump into me, reminding me that I'm blocking the way.
And people will be looking strangely at me, reminding me that my eyes are not dry.
And then I will laugh at myself for being such an emo, and I will walk away. And I will be happy because at least someone in this world has finally found happiness, even if that person wasn't me.
And then I will hasten my steps and hurry up because I still have a long way to go.
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