Whoever PhD it was who said that I am "not for the Institute anymore" has a valid point.
***
Perhaps a major part of why I am demotivated with my career is that at this phase in my life, I actually kinda despise scientists. It's ironic because ever since I was a kid I've always dreamed of becoming one. I was always curious about the why's of natural phenomena and science has always been my strength at school. And yet now that I am more knowledgeable about what being a scientist really requires of you, sadly, I find that I cannot imagine myself wearing a lab gown for the rest of my life.
But don't get me wrong though. I admire how scientists try to solve the problems of the world. I admire the "quest for knowledge" thing. Being a scientist is a noble job and I have absolutely no issues about how necessary they are to the world and to society. What I dislike about most scientists is that they tend to develop this rather limited lifestyle.
Most scientists, well, they tend to be consumed by their work. Scientists are notorious for not having a life, and as much as I want to defend my colleagues, that is mostly true. I can count with my fingers the number of well-rounded full-fledged scientists I personally know. They are that few.
My adviser told me that science is a way of life. It's like scientists are born not made. To be a scientist, you really need to be passionate about it. It demands a lot from you, including your social life and as much as I love science, my own life, my personal growth, are more important to me.
Let me make it clear that I am not judging scientists as being "lower" than other people in terms of attitude. Of course not. What I am saying is that most of them do live their lives differently. They tend to look at things pragmatically and are rather disconnected from their feelings. They often forget to develop their other sides. In some things, they're really really good but in others (usually involving other people), they fail. In those aspects, their values are completely opposite from mine.
For example (forgive me for this, these are only my opinions) some of my friends here in Facebook often post statuses about their scientific know-how. Everytime they do that, I cannot help but feel aversion. I know that everyone is free to post whatever they want (I admit that I am wrong here) but I just hate it when people use their scientific superiority to boost their egos. To show the world that they understand such and such complex ideas, deliberately using the most difficult terms, in the hopes of inspiring awe from whoever reads it. I do understand that some are naturally like that and are unaware of what they are doing and those people, I accept for who they are. But the others, the show-offs, well, I find that what they do is not very agreeable and I know they feel the same about me.
I never could have predicted this, but my artistic leanings seem to have completely overcome my scientific side at this point. The lifestyle and mindset I have acquired through the years will become more of a hindrance if I continue to pursue being a scientist. And as it is, it is becoming a real struggle to connect "what I am" to "what I am training to be for the rest of my life".
If I did not need money to support myself and my family and if I did not enjoy teaching, perhaps I would have long abandoned this career and took a new one. I am not afraid of beginning again and I don't care what other people will say. I've always believed that starting anew in a field which is more me is better than suffering forever, being someone I really do not want to be. I know that there is probably a place out there where I can be myself and still be successful. I enjoy teaching, and I suppose I have proof that I was good at that. I abhor research, and my proposal was a miserable mess.
Unfortunately, I am not privileged enough to have that luxury. I have to finish what I've begun because I need to earn a living. I need to get this over with and then I will leave and find my real calling. Find something more to my liking because I know that I will never be successful as a scientist, the way that I am right now.
It is an unhappy realization. Because the Institute has invested and relied on me and it is not very grateful of me to leave just like that. I will try because I owe a lot to my Institute. But if this ugly debacle forces me to choose between my loyalty and my individuality I will have to choose the latter. What would it do for me to stay if they dislike me for who I am anyway? No use to struggle to be a scientist if I cannot live my life the way I want to live it.
Career is very important. But in the end, it is only a part of one's life. And life itself is what I want to study and explore.
***
Perhaps a major part of why I am demotivated with my career is that at this phase in my life, I actually kinda despise scientists. It's ironic because ever since I was a kid I've always dreamed of becoming one. I was always curious about the why's of natural phenomena and science has always been my strength at school. And yet now that I am more knowledgeable about what being a scientist really requires of you, sadly, I find that I cannot imagine myself wearing a lab gown for the rest of my life.
But don't get me wrong though. I admire how scientists try to solve the problems of the world. I admire the "quest for knowledge" thing. Being a scientist is a noble job and I have absolutely no issues about how necessary they are to the world and to society. What I dislike about most scientists is that they tend to develop this rather limited lifestyle.
Most scientists, well, they tend to be consumed by their work. Scientists are notorious for not having a life, and as much as I want to defend my colleagues, that is mostly true. I can count with my fingers the number of well-rounded full-fledged scientists I personally know. They are that few.
My adviser told me that science is a way of life. It's like scientists are born not made. To be a scientist, you really need to be passionate about it. It demands a lot from you, including your social life and as much as I love science, my own life, my personal growth, are more important to me.
Let me make it clear that I am not judging scientists as being "lower" than other people in terms of attitude. Of course not. What I am saying is that most of them do live their lives differently. They tend to look at things pragmatically and are rather disconnected from their feelings. They often forget to develop their other sides. In some things, they're really really good but in others (usually involving other people), they fail. In those aspects, their values are completely opposite from mine.
For example (forgive me for this, these are only my opinions) some of my friends here in Facebook often post statuses about their scientific know-how. Everytime they do that, I cannot help but feel aversion. I know that everyone is free to post whatever they want (I admit that I am wrong here) but I just hate it when people use their scientific superiority to boost their egos. To show the world that they understand such and such complex ideas, deliberately using the most difficult terms, in the hopes of inspiring awe from whoever reads it. I do understand that some are naturally like that and are unaware of what they are doing and those people, I accept for who they are. But the others, the show-offs, well, I find that what they do is not very agreeable and I know they feel the same about me.
I never could have predicted this, but my artistic leanings seem to have completely overcome my scientific side at this point. The lifestyle and mindset I have acquired through the years will become more of a hindrance if I continue to pursue being a scientist. And as it is, it is becoming a real struggle to connect "what I am" to "what I am training to be for the rest of my life".
If I did not need money to support myself and my family and if I did not enjoy teaching, perhaps I would have long abandoned this career and took a new one. I am not afraid of beginning again and I don't care what other people will say. I've always believed that starting anew in a field which is more me is better than suffering forever, being someone I really do not want to be. I know that there is probably a place out there where I can be myself and still be successful. I enjoy teaching, and I suppose I have proof that I was good at that. I abhor research, and my proposal was a miserable mess.
Unfortunately, I am not privileged enough to have that luxury. I have to finish what I've begun because I need to earn a living. I need to get this over with and then I will leave and find my real calling. Find something more to my liking because I know that I will never be successful as a scientist, the way that I am right now.
It is an unhappy realization. Because the Institute has invested and relied on me and it is not very grateful of me to leave just like that. I will try because I owe a lot to my Institute. But if this ugly debacle forces me to choose between my loyalty and my individuality I will have to choose the latter. What would it do for me to stay if they dislike me for who I am anyway? No use to struggle to be a scientist if I cannot live my life the way I want to live it.
Career is very important. But in the end, it is only a part of one's life. And life itself is what I want to study and explore.
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