Perhaps the reason why I feel like I'm stuck in my life at the moment is that I'm trying to do everything at once. My academic career keeps my left brain whirring smoothly while my extracurricular activities allows me to relieve the creativity of my right. When I'm not doing either, my alone time is spent on reflecting and on analyzing my soul (with the help of music) if I'm not writing or perusing my notes on my experiences in life, love, and friendship. The scientific disposition I acquired through my education paired with an unquenched longing for new experiences allows me to tackle topics in an unnatural point of view - like romanticizing science or reducing love to logic.
Many times, this awareness of my nature led me to question whether I am where I truly belong. I mean, I am supposed to be writing my proposal at present, but I can't seem to focus with all these thoughts in my head so I just had to take another break when I know that I have no right at all to indulge myself with the deadline looming so closely. Many times, I've asked myself: "Is it supposed to be this way? At this age, don't I already have the right to be doing what I want?"
I feel that what I need is something to shake my world. A personal cataclysm. Of course, that will be initially devastating for me (just thinking about it gives me the jitters) but if that is what I need in order for me to find my direction then it's worth it. I only hope that I will hold on long enough and survive that upheaval until I reach my goal.
Don't get me wrong though. It's not that I am making excuses for my inability to write a proposal. Even the people around me know that my problem is that I'm not progressing fast enough not because I cannot do it but because I simply do not want to. The most difficult part for me is trying to motivate myself. To put it in terms the scientific community will understand, I cannot reach my activation energy.
I believe that if I were a freelance writer, by this time, I might already have been moderately successful. Not really because I write well but because that is where my passion is. I feel like I'm a well of ideas - I do not run out of things to talk about (in fact, I had to choose from several topics already half-formed in my head before I settled on writing about this). I feel like I can express myself clearly enough and that I have a lot of things to share. I have a wealth of experiences I can draw material from, and most importantly, I enjoy doing it.
Perhaps the greatest praise I received about my writing is when I showed a real writer one of my old blog entries (it was called "Jewels") and he called it well-written and heartfelt. He liked it! That was me writing without actual training and I thought that maybe if I really hone my writing skills, I might just make an impact out there. Sometimes I daydream of having my own column in the newspaper, and to be honest, I feel like the things I can put in there will be more engaging and relevant than those who are given paper space just because they're popular. Even my friends who also write can better them. At least we can talk about something sensible without resorting to describing the lifestyles of the rich and famous just to add a bit of pizzazz to our work.
But then, maybe I'm just saying all of these now because I am not an actual writer. Maybe if that was my occupation, writing will lose its attractiveness with it being required and all.
Oh, I don't know.
This made me think though. Is there an adult person out there who actually daydream of becoming a scientist? Like they'd rather trade their places to be one? I haven't heard of one. Have you?
Oh well, enough digressions. Whether I like it or not, it's back to work for me. My God, what I'd give to change "back to work" to "back to fun"!
Many times, this awareness of my nature led me to question whether I am where I truly belong. I mean, I am supposed to be writing my proposal at present, but I can't seem to focus with all these thoughts in my head so I just had to take another break when I know that I have no right at all to indulge myself with the deadline looming so closely. Many times, I've asked myself: "Is it supposed to be this way? At this age, don't I already have the right to be doing what I want?"
I feel that what I need is something to shake my world. A personal cataclysm. Of course, that will be initially devastating for me (just thinking about it gives me the jitters) but if that is what I need in order for me to find my direction then it's worth it. I only hope that I will hold on long enough and survive that upheaval until I reach my goal.
Don't get me wrong though. It's not that I am making excuses for my inability to write a proposal. Even the people around me know that my problem is that I'm not progressing fast enough not because I cannot do it but because I simply do not want to. The most difficult part for me is trying to motivate myself. To put it in terms the scientific community will understand, I cannot reach my activation energy.
I believe that if I were a freelance writer, by this time, I might already have been moderately successful. Not really because I write well but because that is where my passion is. I feel like I'm a well of ideas - I do not run out of things to talk about (in fact, I had to choose from several topics already half-formed in my head before I settled on writing about this). I feel like I can express myself clearly enough and that I have a lot of things to share. I have a wealth of experiences I can draw material from, and most importantly, I enjoy doing it.
Perhaps the greatest praise I received about my writing is when I showed a real writer one of my old blog entries (it was called "Jewels") and he called it well-written and heartfelt. He liked it! That was me writing without actual training and I thought that maybe if I really hone my writing skills, I might just make an impact out there. Sometimes I daydream of having my own column in the newspaper, and to be honest, I feel like the things I can put in there will be more engaging and relevant than those who are given paper space just because they're popular. Even my friends who also write can better them. At least we can talk about something sensible without resorting to describing the lifestyles of the rich and famous just to add a bit of pizzazz to our work.
But then, maybe I'm just saying all of these now because I am not an actual writer. Maybe if that was my occupation, writing will lose its attractiveness with it being required and all.
Oh, I don't know.
This made me think though. Is there an adult person out there who actually daydream of becoming a scientist? Like they'd rather trade their places to be one? I haven't heard of one. Have you?
Oh well, enough digressions. Whether I like it or not, it's back to work for me. My God, what I'd give to change "back to work" to "back to fun"!
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