I left my mom crying and I didn't care. My heart was aching but I still went on picking up my things. I wasn't looking at her but I knew she was crying. She has these habits she does when she's on the brink. I didn't care whether she was hurt or not. What I want to do, I do. That's how hard I am.
I left because there was no more food on the table. I was fetching my special plate, ready for dinner, when my mom said there was nothing more to eat. They have zero money. And I suppose it was my responsibility to provide for them now but I do not want to. How can I? When all they do is sit there in the house, twiddling their thumbs? Lie on the sofa, and sleep all day when they're not watching TV? Useless fools. Spending their money on useless things instead of food. Why can't they help themselves? Well, if they think they are going to profit from me they are sadly mistaken. They can't disown me and now that I'm on my own, pull me back to help them. I'm going to leave them on their own if need be. I can.
Why do I feel that my family is pulling me down? Why can't they just let me be? How can I soar when they keep tugging at me?
Oh, they were very wrong about me! They say they are proud of me for being here and all that? Fools! I'm a monster of a son. I don't care about them. Sometimes when I send them money, I want to tell them to use that money to buy poison and kill themselves (including my crazy brother), just to get it over with. I am that bad!
And when they are sick, I don't think I'm going to scrounge up money for them to get well. I am going to convince them to accept that it is their time to go. They've had their chance and bungled it. It's over, I'm gonna tell them. Pick up your courage and be ready to die. I'll be fine on my own.
Oh, maybe if my mom hugged me just ONCE when I was little. Maybe I'd feel a little more affection for them. If only I felt I was a little special and not just a brat who kept wasting their time, asking too many questions.
Now look at me mom! I am desperate for some loving. I am risking my neck out there just so I can hug someone! I've been trying too hard to believe in love because I just don't believe it when you say you are there for me. What can you really do for me? Nothing but bring me down! You cannot help me anyway so your love doesn't have a point!
The world makes monsters out of us sometimes.
Oh God, why am I so different?
My death will be a relief. For all.
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