A Glass Full of Water

February 22, 2010

"Why don't you marry? Go on and have children?"

"I have given up on that ages ago. Don't be silly. Haha."

Lately, it becomes more and more often that I find myself wishing I have never grown up. At 25, I feel as if the clock is moving faster than it used to. I feel like I am being forced to be an adult and face challenges I used to leave for the older people to deal with. Now, there is no one but me. I, alone will have to face what is ahead.

If I were married, I will have someone by my side. Someone I need to help me get through this phase.

But I am gay. And I am denied marriage. I am denied of a secure life.

I have accepted that the path I am taking is perilous. And there is no use ranting against the church. Against society. There will always be people who will be blind to the greater struggles my kind are facing. They will not see that it is us who need more help.

This path has been set before me. It was not my choice to be gay and there is nothing I can do to change it. But what I can do instead is to tread it with dignity and courage.

Growing up is never easy. Growing up gay is doubly so. And during the most difficult times, sometimes I wish I had someone behind my back. A hand to hold whenever I feel I can't do it alone.

Perhaps it is this realization which explains why I prioritize love over everything else. This awareness, which explains why I keep losing my head whenever I meet a potential partner. How can one keep cool when one's long-term happiness is at stake?

***

For my next relationship, I want to be like a glass full of water. I want to learn how to be complete on my own and not be dependent on my partner for my happiness. I want to be brimming with love, I can share the extra to people all around me.

I will always give each of my tries my best shot.

I want to give you my best shot.

If my arrow hits home, I will just know.

We will just know.