Simple Is Sex

July 16, 2009

I want my baby. I want him back. It doesn't matter what I need. It doesn't matter what I want. I am nothing. I am stupid. I take everyone for granted. I hurt the people who love me so I don't deserve to be loved. I deserve to be treated like that. I am nothing, reader. I am nothing.

Oh, those fairy tale endings and those happily ever afters? Well, perhaps, those love stories happen to some but never to me. I am not worth those. I will never be enough. I am worse than the average so I deserve only the bad. My ex made me feel so. All my failed relationships made me feel so. They must be true.

Oh somebody call me up please. Somebody call me up and break my heart. Somebody call me up and hurt me. Bad. I've been a bad boy. I've been a stupid boy. Somebody call me up and shove some up my ass. Oh I don't care if I get sick. I don't care if I die in pain. Sometimes you just want things to end you know? Sometimes you just don't care. Sometimes you feel that you're hurting inside so much, you want to be hurt outside as well. Just to take your mind off it. Just to be able to cry once and for all.

There is a storm coming and I was smoking outside Ministop. I didn't care about the rain. I wished someone would have picked me up. There was an old gay guy lingering and I wished I talked to him. It just gets so lonely sometimes you know? When people make you believe that you deserve someone better but then you ask yourself that if you do, then why can't you sleep at night? Why are you still alone?

Oh yes, I can say that I loved him more. I can say that finally, I get to discover my own worth, but the fact never changes that I was left alone. The fact never changes that I treated him badly. The fact never changes that I was wrong. Maybe I was right, but I'll just swallow my pride because I just can't bear to be alone.

Oh reader, sometimes you try to be the worst person you can be with your partner only so you can feel loved no matter what you do. Only to confirm that you've got someone solidly behind your back. They keep on reaffirming their love for you and somewhere along the way you fall for it. But when trouble comes, they'd leave and save themselves first.

Now I know why too many people are into sex. It's not because they are shallow. Maybe it's because they've realized that it's the only thing that is real.

Love?

I don't know what love is anymore.

But sex, yeah. I'll give it a chance this time. I'll sleep around until I fucking die of exhaustion.

Life gave me no choice.